Transcript by the lovely volunteers at TAZscripts.
Griffin: It is Candlenights Eve, the night before the world’s most inscrutable and modular wintertime holiday. As everyone knows, Candlenights can shift and transform, expand and shrink of its own volition, making pinning down its beginning and end a tricky process. By your best guess, it is Candlenights Eve. The four of you are attending a Candlenights party aboard the floating headquarters of the Bureau of Balance.
The entire surface of the HQ has been transformed into a festive, wintery scene, with floating enchanted candles hanging above a yard of long, food-filled tables and great vats of warm, potent ciders. That’s the most D&D-ass shit ever.
Griffin: As you look around the yard, you see familiar faces here and there. Carey and Killian are entertaining some of the party’s younger guests with their flips and stunts. Lucretia sits at the head of one of the tables, regaling her guests with stories from your adventures thus far.
Griffin: Your eyes meet those of Angus McDonald, He sees you and waves enthusiastically. And, just then Johann steps into your line of sight, inches in front of the four of you, gesticulating enthusiastically. He says,
Clint: I am! I’m being very… my—
Travis: Or maybe keep it together!
Clint: My spondooli is protecting me.
Dracula: Aren’t your legs cold wearing that up here? It’s a bit - it’s a bit chilly, and I must say— I know I’m reformed, but those calves look delicious.
Clint: It’s actually very liberating! It is very freeing.
Griffin: [imitating Dracula at first] Do not commit crime [drops accent] on this stage, Clint. This is actually Griffin saying it. Keep it under the table.
Justin: That makes sense, ‘cause that was Dad answering, so…
Griffin: Yes, good.
Dracula: While I have you, I can now reveal: I got the three of you for the Bureau Secret Santa Gift Exchange.
Griffin: And he—
Travis: Wait, you got three for one?
Justin: [laughing] Is that how Secret Santas work?
Griffin: You’re sort of a package deal at this point. He reaches into the pocket of his duster and pulls out three small packages. As you unwrap them you find three small, white square devices. Dracula looks at you and nods.
Dracula: It is the iPod Shuffle.
[Audience and Justin laugh]
Taako: [laughing] Oh, this is great!
Magnus: Is this the one with the U2 on it?
Taako: [crosstalk] Fantastic.
Dracula: I deleted that immediately.
Magnus: Thank you! You did great!
[Crosstalk]
Merle: I can lose my Zune now!
Taako: Looks like you’ve— you’ve preloaded it with the complete works of Franz Ferdinand! Fantastic!
Dracula: Some of my favorite jams are on there. I believe you could call them… the music of the night. [Audience laughs] Warm tidings to you and yours!
Griffin: And he, like, scrunches his face up and pulls his arms in tight, and he stands there for a few seconds, and then sort of stands up and says,
Dracula: Sorry, I was trying to transform into a cloud of bats. I, uh, I used… used to be able to do that. Uh, still learning how to make a polite exit. Excuse me.
Griffin: [crosstalk] And walks—
Clint: [crosstalk] That’s the hardest thing of all to do.
Griffin: —and he walks away. And soon after, Lucretia waves the three of you over to her table [audience whoops], and Lucretia says,
Lucretia: Are you all having a good time?
Taako: Yeah, I actually got you a gift, Lucretia.
Lucretia: Oh. That’s, uh…
Taako: I know, I know, it’s the thought that counts. It’s an iPod Shuffle!
[Audience laughs]
Lucretia: Uh, I don’t know what this strange technology is, but, uh, I assume—
Taako: But I do? What is this world?
[Audience and Clint laugh]
Magnus: I got you a gift too, Lucretia. I sold my wood-carving tools to get you this staff polish.
[Griffin and audience laugh]
Lucretia: This will come in handy, thank you.
Travis: Ohhh no!
Merle: I sold my axe to buy you a hunk of wood!
Travis: It’s a three way?
Griffin: It’s a three way! It’s a rock-paper-scissors Gift of the Magi! This is unprecedented. She smiles and says,
Lucretia: Well, uh, th-thank you, I appreciate it.
Griffin: She looks kind of confused. And then she looks kind of wistful. She looks over at Angus and says,
Lucretia: Wow, look at Angus. He’s really growing up before our eyes, isn’t he?
Taako: Yeah.
Magnus: Yeah.
Merle: Yeah.
Magnus: I hate it!
[Audience laughs]
Lucretia: You know, he’s still a kid at heart, though. He keeps— he keeps talking about how he’s so excited about this… Jeff Angel toy? The, um, the wrestler? I think the— what…
Magnus: We’re familiar.
- Lucretia: He was talking about the toy all night, the Turbo Jeff action doll.
Griffin: And you see Angus talking to some people at his table, flapping his arms up and down as if to imitate the action of the Turbo Jeff action doll, and Lucretia turns back to you and says,
Lucretia: So, um… where— where is it? You all got him for Secret Santa, and he made his only Candlenights wish explicitly clear multiple times— you did get the Turbo Jeff action doll, right?
[audience clamors, “No!”]
Magnus: Y— yes!
Taako: This is, uh— yeah! We…
Merle: Wrap— wrapping it.
Magnus: We’re wrapping it.
Taako: We wrapped it! We’re wrapping it.
[Audience laughs]
Griffin: She just got a 24 Insight check.
Lucretia: No, you did not. No, you did not. Boys, this is bad, even— even for you. Angus was really looking forward to that Turbo Jeff.
Magnus: Well, you know, [chuckling] learning about disappointment is part of growing up.
[Audience laughs]
Taako: So true, so true.
Griffin: She says,
Lucretia: Listen, I can keep the party going for a couple more hours and buy you some time. Just run down planetside, hit up the Fantasy Costco , grab a Turbo Jeff, [audience cheers] and get back up here— and get back up here pronto.
Taako: [crosstalk] Fuck, fine!
Magnus: [crosstalk] Can we have some money?
Taako: Do you have money?
Lucretia: I— that’s a great—
Magnus: Do we have money?
Lucretia: [crosstalk] Probably—
Magnus: We’re pretty famous, and I have a school for dogs or whatever.
Lucretia: Probably a great sum of money at this point.
Magnus: Okay, I’ve been selling a lot of Sit Boys, so I think we’re doing pretty good.
Griffin: All right. One nostalgic canon blast later, the three of you drift slowly to a halt into the riverside district of Neverwinter. It’s fairly late, and most of the citizens of the city are back at home, enjoying the holiday with loved ones by the hearth. The only activity you see, which you observed as you came in for a landing, is the throng of people surrounding the entrance to the Fantasy Costco.
Justin: Ughhh.
Griffin: Hundreds of humans, elves, orcs, dwarfs, and countless other beings are mobbing the closed front doors of the store. From the distance, you see a harried Garfield the Deals Warlock floating just above the entrance—
[Audience cheers]
Magnus: We’re gonna have to fight our way through.
Griffin: —shouting something you’re too far away to hear. As you approach the crowd, you hear some conversations in your immediate vicinity.
- Unnamed Shopper #1: [nasally] So they, uh, said they had Turbo Jeffs here, right?
- Unnamed Shopper #2: [low] Man, I hope they’ve got Turbo Jeffs.
Unnamed Shopper #3: [breathy] I’ve looked everywhere, this is the only place with Turbo Jeffs!
Griffin: And then you hear a familiar voice getting closer to you, saying,
Klarg: Where are the Turbo Jeffs?
Griffin: And sticking a good two feet out of the crowd, Klarg the bugbear is approaching—
[Justin laughs; Audience cheers]
Travis: Now, Klarg, are you into Turbo Jeff?
Griffin: Klarg sees you and he goes,
Klarg: Boys!
Griffin: And he scoops you all up in a big bear hug.
Travis: Hugbear.
Griffin: Take five points of crushing damage.
Justin: Oh no!
Travis: Hold on, we should do a Constitution check or something.
Griffin: Nah, I caught you unawares with that one.
Travis: Aw, but I’m a big beefy boy!
Griffin: He says,
Klarg: Dang, sorry. Yeah, I’m here looking for a Turbo Jeff, goofed up pretty bad. I forgot I promised one to my daughter, Blarg.
Taako: [crosstalk] Your daughter’s named Blarg?
Magnus: [crosstalk] Do you mean B’Gnash?
Klarg: I have seven kids: Blarg, Marg, Targ, Sharg, Parg, Quarg, and Klarg Jr.
[Audience cheers]
Merle: You had those written down!
Klarg: [laughing] I did.
[Audience laughs]
Griffin: He puts a tiny scroll back in his pocket.
Klarg: Listen, I thought it was funny at the time. It was, um— not the smartest naming convention. They said they were gonna team up and kill me if I didn’t get one, so [Justin laughs] here I am.
Griffin: And then you hear another voice you recognize, who says,
Cassidy: Boys!
Griffin: And then you see bounding towards you the former explosives expert and current mayor of Refuge, Cassidy, [audience cheers] who says,
Cassidy: Well, what in tarnation are y’all doing here? Don’t tell me you’re trying to get your haaands on a Turbo Jeff!
Magnus: Wait, are you trying to get a Turbo Jeff?
Cassidy: Suuuure tootin’!
Magnus: So then why would you judge us for trying to get a Turbo Jeff?
Cassidy: It wasn’t judgment, partner. I was excited to see kinship in your goals with mine.
Magnus: But then what— okay.
[Audience laughs]
Clint: You really quit on that fast.
Travis: I mean, we only have so much time in the live show for banter.
Griffin: She says,
Cassidy: Seems like you’re gonna have a lot of competition, though I got a little advantage in case it gets hairy in there.
Griffin: And she reaches into her pocket and pulls out, like, five small sticks of dynamite. And she winks.
Taako: Don’t— listen. Don’t do that. It seems like a great idea, Cassidy, but that’s not how these things are done.
Cassidy: Of course…… not!
Taako: Okay, I can see the winking. There’s no winking. No Cassidy, please don’t.
Griffin: And then you hear another voice say, right in front of you,
???: [nervously, in a voice that kinda sounds like Kermit the Frog] Uh, well, uh, heh. It seems like we’re all in the same boat.
Griffin: And the figure talking to you is a human man in his late 40’s, you would assume. He’s balding, with a small mustache that curls over the corners of his mouth. He’s wearing an argyle sweater over a turtleneck. He’s got some functional slacks on, and he extends a hand and says,
???: Uh, sorry for eavesdropping. Gerald Loggins is my name. I’m trying to snag a Turbo Jeff for my stepson, Timothy, uh—
Magnus: Hey, fuck off. [Audience laughs] We were talking!
Clint: Did you notice how quiet it got here? [Griffin: Yeah—] That’s ‘cause everybody’s going, “Which arc is this guy from?”
Magnus: Nobody knows who the fuck you are, buddy!
Gerald: Uh, yeah, of course, I’ll let you get back into it. Gerald Loggins—
Magnus: Yeah, fuck right off!
Gerald: Okay.
Magnus: I haven’t seen Klarg in, like, eight years!
Gerald: Yep. Well, lovely Candlenights to— to you and yours—
Magnus: Okay. Kiss my butt.
Gerald: All right, maybe—
Merle: And happy holidays to all of you.
Gerald: Yeah, maybe if we see each other in there we could watch each other’s— watch each other’s backs, huh? All right, have a good night. Gerald Loggins.
Griffin: And he—
[audience and Clint laughing]
Justin: [laughing] This is really good— this is some really good character development. I like how he said his name so many times.
Griffin: It’s— listen, that’s the How to Make Friends and Influence People, he’s just—
Travis: [crosstalk] Say your own name—
Justin: [crosstalk] Say your own name repeatedly!
Travis: [crosstalk] I’m Travis, everyone, Travis—
Griffin: Wait, that’s the opposite, isn’t it? Okay. You see some sparkling lights surround Garfield and notice his gestures as he casts a spell. Suddenly a large projection of a mouth appears in the sky and from it, you hear Garfield’s amplified voice. He says,
Garfield: Folks, listen! It is true, we indeed have a small selection of toys from the Turbo Jeff collection. Now, because you are a large crowd, the most sensible thing to do would be to hand out raffle tickets, allowing the winners first pick of our stock. But— [audience laughs] As I am always in need of blood, bone, and tissue for my dark machinations— [audience laughs] Let’s just toss the doors open, Battle Royale style! May the odds be ever in your favor!
[Audience cheers]
Travis: Magnus—
Griffin: And all the doors open to the store.
Travis: Magnus rushes in.
Griffin: There— you are towards the back of the crowd.
Travis: No. Shield in front of me, fucking—
Griffin: Barrelling through?
Travis: Yeah.
Griffin: Make an Athletics check that you’re gonna fucking destroy because you have a billion Athletics points.
Travis: Yeah, it’s a 20.
Griffin: A nat 20?
Travis: I— no, I rolled a ten, plus ten.
[Audience laughs]
Clint: That’s how math works!
Griffin: Okay, Taako and Merle, you see Magnus push towards the crowd. He makes a good like, half-way through the crowd towards the door, he’s making good progress.
Justin: I’m going to cast Hallucinatory Terrain—
Griffin: What the fuck?
Justin: I’m gonna— On the store, to make it look like it’s on fire.
[audience laughing and cheering]
Griffin: I’m going to— I love this, I’m going to roll a Wisdom saving throw for everyone. [audience laughs] …All right. I got a 13. This is what’s great about that roll, and what’s so great about sort of the random narrative additions that D&D gives us. About 60% of the crowd just says, “Nope.” And peels off. The rest of them are like, “It’s on fire, but I really gotta get me a Turbo Jeff.” And plow on through, undeterred. Klarg and Cassidy are just gone, as well. You see Gerald Loggins still kind of waiting patiently at the rear of the queue, just sort of stepping behind everybody in turn.
Clint: Merle casts Blade Barrier around Magnus.
[Audience laughs; “what?”]
Justin: What!? We can’t murder people!
Griffin: What’s it say?
Clint: Hey, it’s their choice, if they don’t—
Griffin: If they run into the barrier, it’s their choice, Dad’s 100% right!
Clint: Yeah! It’s a vertical wall of whirling, razor-sharp blades! [Audience cheers] [laughing] Made of magical energy! And so—
Travis: Before he cas— Magnus does do a big, like, Andre the Giant, “Everybody move!” kind of— yeah.
Clint: Oh, do I have to roll one of those things?
Griffin: I don’t think so, right?
Travis: Does it say, like, “and you do it great!”
Griffin: Uh, okay. I think with that, Magnus, you are able to breach through most of the crowd, there’s definitely a few dozen folks who got in ahead of you, but you managed to make it into the store.
Clint: Can at least one person run into the magical barrier of blades? Just one, at least?
Justin: I feel like— okay, can I say something, I feel like our— the thrill that we’ll have if we do eventually get this Turbo Jeff doll will be somewhat invalidated by the friends we’ve killed along the way. Like, I don’t think we need a loss of life, and you’re a cleric, also. No big whoop, but you’re also a cleric.
Clint: I’ll just heal ‘em.
Travis: Would you?
Justin: Sorry, Griffin, go ahead?
Clint: [chuckling] If I have the spell slots for it.
Griffin: Magnus, you find yourself in an aisle titled “The Fresh Produce Section.” Suddenly a watermelon falls from above and explodes at your feet. As you look up, you see a large aarakocra, which is the bird person race from D&D that we didn’t really explore much of except for Jeff Angel, who is one. It’s flying above you. It’s not Jeff Angel. He’s ripping things off the shelves and launching them at you. What do you do?
[A pause, audience laughs]
Travis: I’m being attacked?
Griffin: Uh, with fruit. I’m not going to make us roll initiative. You’re in a sticky situation.
Clint: And he’s also protected by a blade barrier!
Griffin: I mean, some of the fruit is getting caught up in the blades, but it’s more of a vertical— from-up-top assault.
Clint: Oh, how convenient.
Travis: I— everything I’ve got would kill them. You know what? Can I climb the shelf?
Griffin: Yeah, sure.
Travis: I climb the shelf.
[someone in the audience yells “Yeeahh!”]
Griffin: All right. Now what?
Travis: Thank you. [crosstalk] Thank you for appreciating—
Justin: [crosstalk] Some dude up there loves shelf climbing.
Travis: I climb up the shelf and I jump from top of shelf to top of shelf to get to the Jeff Angel section.
Griffin: Duhh— that’s not where the Jeff Angel toys are, but you can definitely reach the aarakocra. Listen, I’ve got this whole thing mapped out in my mind, don’t you worry about it.
Travis: Okay, then I tackle it.
Griffin: All right.
Travis: As much as you can tackle something that’s in the air.
Griffin: Make an Athletics check for this whole maneuver.
Travis: That’s a ten, plus ten, that’s a 20.
Griffin: Jesus Christ.
Justin: Why does he get plus ten to everything? It doesn’t seem fair.
Griffin: Yeah, uh, he’s— well, he can’t—
Travis: I can’t do magic!
Griffin: Well— and he also can’t think. Is—
[Audience laughs and groans sympathetically]
Travis: No, that’s fair. Real dumb-o.
Griffin: He just tackled a bird, so. [Travis laughs] You grab— you jump for this thing, it tries to dodge out of the way but you just grab its feet and just, like, slam dunk it into the ground, narrowly missing the blade storm. And you make it further into the store. Taako, are you pushing into the store, or is Taako’s contribution to this scene pretty much done?
Justin: [confidently] I’ve done my part.
Griffin: Okay, Merle, are you pushing into the store, or are you leaving it up to ol’ Magnus?
Clint: I don’t see what good Merle would do, [crosstalk] he just can’t—
Griffin: [crosstalk] Fantastic. Lot of people, all sitting out of the game.
Travis: [crosstalk] That’s a fine sentence.
Griffin: All right Magnus, we can keep playing with you.
Clint: How— did he— wait a minute. So he took out the bird.
Griffin: Yep. There’s more, we can keep going, it’s fine. Magnus, you make it to the far corner of the Fantasy Costco, find yourself in an aisle called “Nothin’ but Fruit Leather, Jerky, and Nuts.” [Audience laughs] The aisle is empty, save for Gerald Loggins, who’s looking at a box of pistachio snack packs. He waves at you as you step into the aisle and says,
Gerald: I never realised that nuts had so many calories.
Griffin: And he turns back to the pistachios, reading the ingredients. It’s mostly pistachios. What do you do?
[Audience laughs]
Travis: I step carefully around him.
Griffin: You ste— [laughs] he appreciates that. And you go further into the store.
[Audience and Clint laughs]
Justin: Taako has now entered the store to see if there’s any light looting opportunities.
Griffin: Uh, let’s see. There is an aisle— I’m looking through the aisles I have written down. There’s one called “An Ocean of Diapers,” there’s one just called “Bones.”
[Justin chuckles]
Clint: Are there any adult diapers?
Griffin: [laughs] You could make these work for you, um…
Clint: Mmkay. I mean, I’m just asking for a friend.
Griffin: You get some diapers. Taako, you get some booones. Do you want— do you want to try to get the Turbo Jeff now too, or is it still on Magnus’s shoulders?
Justin: No, no, no, he’s distracting Big Bird, I’m going to go get the Turbo Jeff.
Griffin: All right. Taako, you are sprinting through the Ocean of Diapers aisle when you see Klarg—
Justin: I didn’t say sprinting.
Griffin: You are traipsing down the Ocean of Diapers aisle. You see Klarg in an adjacent aisle through the products on the shelves separating you. He notices you, too, and begins to shoulder charge through the shelves into you to knock them over. What do you do?
Justin: I cast Charm Person on Klarg.
[audience cheers]
Clint: Do you really think that would ever work?
Griffin: That is an 18?
Justin: No, Dad, it wouldn’t. Apparently. Apparently, no. Apparently it wouldn’t work.
Travis: What’s your spellcasting thing?
Justin: 16.
Griffin: Oh! Wou— no, it’s higher than that! There’s no way it’s 16.
Justin: All right, Dad. [Griffin laughs] Jesus.
Griffin: All right, he tackles the, uh, thing, and it falls over on you. It’s not a bad crushing, but take 14 points of damage. And almost as soon as it happens, Klarg like stops, and says,
Klarg: [flustered] Well, well, okay.
Griffin: And he starts to pick the aisle back— the shelves back up off you.
Taako: Okay, Klarg, bad—
Klarg: Yeah, I got a little in my—
Taako: Okay, bad news—
Klarg: Yeah.
Taako: That was extremely rude.
Klarg: Yeah.
Taako: Good news, I now have 69 hit points.
[audience cheers]
Clint: Good night, everybody!
Taako: You take the good, you take the bad.
Clint: It’s the facts of life.
Griffin: Merle, you doing anything?
Clint: Yeah, I’m going to cast Heal on Taako.
Griffin: Okay. You stop off in the—
Clint: But wait a minute, no! Then he’s not 69 anymore.
Justin: I will cast perma-death spells on you all day long if you heal me above 69 hit points.
Clint: Fair enough.
Griffin: Do you want to aid in the Turbo Jeff acquisition?
Clint: Yes.
Griffin: Okay. Then you find yourself in an aisle labelled “Literally Air,” and find empty shelves with price tags denoting the cost of the air circulating around them. As you stop to observe this incredibly crass business practice, Cassidy breaks off in a sprint past you. She looks at you over her shoulder and throws two of her small sticks of dynamite in your direction. What do you do?
Clint: Merle casts Control Weather.
Griffin: Love that fucking spell.
Justin: Mmm, I don’t— in the store?
Griffin: No, we can’t fight Control Weather anymore, it ends up being a 20 minute whole thing. You’re controlling the weather.
Clint: And it blows the sticks of dynamite out. It blows out the fuses.
Justin: That’s okay.
Griffin: Uh, roll a d20.
Travis: [directing Clint] Big one. Big one.
Justin: Don’t do this.
Travis: I made him buy extra large dice so he could read ‘em.
Griffin: It’s true.
[audience cheering]
Travis: Today at [simultaneously] Toy Joy!
Clint: [simultaneously] Toy Joy!
[audience cheering]
Clint: That’s an 11, plus—
Griffin: Nothing. Okay, with an 11… let’s use—
Clint: [crosstalk] Wait a minute, why’s it plus nothing?
Griffin: It’s just cause I made this roll up in my head, cause we’re playing Calvinball now. With an 11, we’re going to do Monster of the Week rules, it’s a mixed success. You manage to hit the sticks of dynamite with the wind. They go flying back in Cassidy’s face, and explode at her feet. She’s fine, this happens all the time in her profession. She goes flying through the air and lands on the ground and says,
Cassidy: Yeah, you got me good with that one! Hoisted on my own petard, and that’s the literal definition! That’s how this phrase is supposed to be used, that’s what Shakespeare intended!
Griffin: And then she passes out. She’s fine, but you blew her up… a bit. Magnus, you arrive— actually, the three of you reconvene at the toy department, where a large undisturbed display of Turbo Jeff series toys stand in a tall pyramid. Garfield materializes over this display with wide open arms. He says,
Garfield: I knew it would be you! Only Tres Horny Boys possess the cutthroat instincts required to win the day when the chips are down. How many of your competitors did you vanquish during your hunt?
Magnus: Like, kill em?
Garfield: Yes!
Magnus: I don’t think any?
Taako: How ‘bout that!
Garfield: Well, shoot! Well, the treasure’s yours, enjoy.
Griffin: And he gestures towards the pyramid. You do not see the familiar bird-man form of the wrestler Jeff Angel. Rather, contained within every box in the pyramid is an action figure of a thick human man wearing a brown suit jacket up top and a diaper down below, holding a briefcase in one hand and extending an intense pointed finger with the other. You—
Travis: The business baby?
Griffin: You realise with horror that these toys are from the Turbo Jeff toy line, but sadly are toy versions of Jeff Angel’s widely reviled manager, Cherub Joe.
[Clint and Justin laughing]
Magnus: Garfield!
Griffin: Garfield, sensing your threatening tone, pipes up. He says,
Garfield: Okay, listen, listen, I know. I know. Listen, look at me. I know. [audience laughs] Listen. You all didn’t hear it from me, but I do know where you can find a real Turbo Jeff action doll. There’s this dungeon nearby— [audience laughs] No, audience, listen! Subterranean keep, lair of a massive, ruthless ogre, at the heart of that keep, you’ll find what you desire. Fortunately, I have a map that can show you the way, and because we’re old friends… it’ll just be 300 gold pieces—
Magnus: Give it to us or we’re gonna burn down your store.
Garfield: Looks like you already are!
Griffin: And he hands it over.
Taako: [laughing] Also, can I have the diaper guy? I’m crazy about this. [audience laughs] This is hilarious! I love this!
Griffin: He hands you a doll of Cherub Joe.
Taako: Did you guys see this?
Merle: Make it do the th— make it do the thing!
Taako: It’s— he— [makes a growling sound, imitating the action figure] Rrrrrr!
Merle: [also imitating] Eeeeeehhhh!
Taako: It’s good, right?
Griffin: You pop—
Merle: [continues obnoxious beeping sound] Eeeeeehhhh!
Taako: Its little wings pop out, hysterical!
Merle: [simultaneously laughing and marveling] Ohh ho ho hooo!
Griffin: You pop the Cherub Joe out of its mint condition packaging and put it in your pocket. The three of you follow Garfield’s map into the sewers below Neverwinter, then into an underground water channel leading to a series of subterranean caves. You follow these caverns for what feels like ages, giving you plenty of time to reconsider—
Travis: We see Tom Hanks as we walk by him!
Justin: Sorry, what?
Travis: It’s from Mazes and Monsters?
Justin: Are you shitting me with this?
Clint: Wow.
Griffin: It’s, like, five people saw that film, bud.
Clint: And none of them are here!
Griffin: It gives you plenty of time to wonder whether or not this quest is actually worth it. Just as your resolve begins to waver, you find yourself at the entrance to an underground residence. The cavern you were following is blocked off entirely by a large, wooden wall. A set of steps leads up to a door, flanked by torches leading further into the residence. In the distance, you hear the footfalls of a massive creature. You also hear footfalls behind you, belonging to much smaller beings. As you turn to face them, you see Klarg the bugbear and Gerald, both looking at their own maps and exploring the caverns. And Klarg sighs as he sees you, and sort of balls up his map and throws it away, and Gerald actually looks excited as he recognises the three of you, he says—
Justin: God dammit.
Gerald: Oh, uh, hey there, guys! Fancy meetin’, heh, uhh… [audience laughs] Of all the gin joints, right? How the heck are ya'?
Justin: God almighty, this guy.
Travis: God dammit!
Griffin: And Klarg says,
Klarg: Listen, maybe we should tackle this together, we could figure out who gets the toy after. We’ll flip a coin… or something. I mean, we definitely aren’t giving it to Gerald.
Magnus: Yes.
Klarg: But we can flip a coin.
Taako: Gerald, you’re cool with that?
Gerald: Absolutely, it sounds totally fair to me.
[Audience laughs]
Taako: Gerald, what are you bringing to the party? Precisely?
Magnus: Are you like a necromancer, or… ?
Taako: How many, uh, how many all dimensions have you saved? How many times have you saved all dimensions?
Clint: [stage whisper] Use Planarverse, that drives Griffin crazy.
Taako: Planarverse!
Merle: The Planarverse!
Gerald: I, uhh… I'm trying to save my stepson’s, Timothy’s, Candlenights.
Taako: Christ.
Magnus: How many, uh… planes of existence has he saved?
Gerald: I’m just, uh— none. It would just build a lot of bridges between me and my Timothy, so, I’m just trying to… [Audience ‘aww’s]
Magnus: Have you tried just talking to him? [Gerald chuckles]
Merle: Have you tried being there when he needed ya?
Gerald: Yeah, um. Yeah, it hasn’t worked… so far.
Magnus: Are you sure you wanna build a relationship with him? He sounds like he sucks.
[Clint and Travis laugh very hard away from their mics, and the audience soon joins in. Travis yells, 'Yeah!']
Merle: How are you and his mom getting along?
Griffin: [Moving them back on track] It’s quiet for a minute. What do you do, you're standing in front of an entrance to a subterranean home. What do you do?
Magnus: Should… should we knock?
Griffin: If that’s what your character has decided to do in the game Dungeons & Dragons.
[Audience laughs]
Travis: Magnus knocks.
Griffin: You walk up the sta—
Justin: I would feel better if you patched things up with Gerald first.
Magnus: Hey Gerald— [crosstalk]
Clint: [crosstalk] Yeah, it’s like hanging over everybody.
Justin: [crosstalk] It feels weird.
Magnus: [crosstalk] There was a bug(?) in the air—
Justin: [crosstalk] It was so unnecess— I feel like you said that because there's an audience, I feel like if there wasn’t an audience you wouldn’t have said that to Gerald.
Magnus: Yeah, you know what Gerald? I said that because there was an audience, and… [Justin laughs] I wouldn't have said it if there wasn’t an audience, and I didn’t mean that about Timothy, I'm sure he's great. It was just a joke that I made, and made it at your expense and Timothy's expense and that was uncalled for, and I bet Timothy's—
Justin: Wrap it up.
Griffin: Yeah he’s great. Look at the clock, holy shit, a tear falls from his eye he’s like, “we’re good.” Now, [audience laughs] what do you do?
Travis: Now Magnus— there's a door? Is there a door? You said a wooden wall.
Griffin: There's a set of stairs heading up to a porch with a front door.
Travis: I knock on the door?
Griffin: Roll a Dexterity saving throw.
Justin: All of us or just him?
Griffin: Just him.
Justin: Nice.
Travis: That is a 10.
Griffin: You start walking up the stairs, and as you do, you realize that they are quite slippery; there's a lot of ice actually on these stairs, you slip and fall down the stairs. Take 9 damage, make another Dexterity saving throw.
Travis: Sure. That is a 16.
Griffin: As you land on the floor there's a rumble throughout the cavern and a stalactite falls from the ceiling. You roll out of the way at the last second as it crashes into the floor.
Travis: How much damage did I take?
Griffin: You took 9 points of damage from the falling down the stairs.
Justin: No big deal.
Griffin: What do you do?
Travis: [crestfallen] I still didn’t get a chance to knock.
[Audience laughs]
Griffin: Okay.
Travis: I try again.
Griffin: Roll a Dexterity saving throw.
[Audience laughs]
Clint: God, this is like Tin Cup.
Travis: That's a 13.
Griffin: You… slip and fall down the stairs!
Justin: [laughing] Can I just say Dad said this is like Tin Cup, and it is very much like Tin Cup, thank you Dad.
Griffin: You take 11 points of damage. You fell harder this time and you were made more tender by the first fall. The stalactite trap has already been activated. What! Do you do?
Taako: Wait! [Travis yells and tries again] Wait, Magnus—
Travis: [laughing] Nope.
[Audience and Travis laugh]
Griffin: Take 8 points of damage, you fall down the stairs again. You're gonna fucking die on these stairs.
[Audience laughs]
Travis: I run and jump.
Griffin: Okay, make an Acrobatics roll.
Travis: Acrobatics… 13.
Clint: Don’t, don’t…
Griffin: In the interest of fucking playing the rest of the game, you jump up the stairs, it's extremely close. What do you do?
Travis: [satisfied] Knock on the door.
[Audience laughs]
Griffin: There's no answer.
Travis: Knock harder! I make an attack on the door with Phantom Fist…
Griffin: Okay.
Travis: [crosstalk] That’s a 14…
Clint: [crosstalk, to Justin] Are we— are we not playing anymore?
Travis: [crosstalk] 22, that’s a 22 against the door.
Justin: [crosstalk, to Clint] I’m— listen, I'll listen to this— I’ll watch this all day.
Clint: [crosstalk, agreeing with Justin] Yeah.
Griffin: It’s a thick— It is a thick, ogre door. You pound on it, no results, no answer, make a Dexterity saving throw.
Travis: Wait, the door dodged my attack?
Griffin: You just didn’t knock it down hard enough.
Travis: I have push with the Phantom Fist!
Griffin: We gotta keep going. Dexterity saving throw.
Clint: [laughing] We’re not going anywhere!
Travis: Nope. That’s an 11.
Griffin: Uh, you see the mail slot on the door slide open and a crossbow bolt fires out at you. You take 15 piercing damage as one shoots you in the gut. Hey, make a Dexterity saving throw.
[Audience laughs]
Travis: Nope.
Griffin: You slip and fall down the stairs, take 9 points of damage. Anybody else wanna try something!?
Taako: I feel like this is gonna work.
Clint: Yeah, I just wish I was videoing.
Travis: I’m… I’m almost bloodied, [crosstalk] in case anyone was wondering.
Justin: [crosstalk] Oh wait, hold on, hold on… Okay. Let me look at you… okay. I use the Hole Thrower— [laughs]— on the door.
[Audience cheers]
Griffin: Okay, you use the Hole Thrower, I won’t make you roll for it because it’s a— you’ll be able to make a big enough hole for you to get through.
Justin: [imitating throwing the hole] Th-woop!
Griffin: As you do that, a hole in the door opens up. Behind it, you do see a crossbow set up as a trap. You also see some sort of, um, hot cauldron under the door knob on their side that is making it very hot.
Travis: Fucking Home Alone?
Griffin: Yup!
[Audience cheers]
Griffin: I will also say: the stair ice has been slipped on so much, it melted.
[Audience laughs; Justin and Travis chuckle]
Magnus: [proudly] You’re all welcome.
Taako: [laughing] My hero!
[They all chuckle.]
Griffin: What do you all do, someone else other than Magnus wanna play?
Justin: I crawl through the hole and kick the crossbow over.
Griffin: [resigned] Make a Dexterity saving— [he leans away from the mic]
[Audience laughs]
Justin: Nine. Pluuus—! Three.
[A pause, Audience laughs]
Griffin: Above the door a flame cannon activates and shoots your head. You take 20 fire damage and your head’s on fire.
Travis: This would be a good time for some healing.
Clint: Tough shit.
[Audience laughs]
Clint: I tried to heal before and got nothing but grief!
Griffin: Now that you are inside the building and you have a big hole and you all are in the door and you all are there, you all can see at the top of the stairs… you are in a foyer, where there are entrances to some other rooms around the first floor. At the top of the stairs you see an ogre. A big… big ol’ ogre at the top of the stairs…
Travis: A big juicy ogre.
Griffin: — who sees you and smiles as you are caught up in his traps. Through the door, Klaarg sees Taako’s head on fire and says:
Klaarg: You know what, I’m good, uh… uh, I’ll figure something else out, uh… I’m might go back to the Costco and get me one of them Cherub Joes and see if maybe that’ll pass. I’ll catch y’all— catch y'all on the next adventure!
Griffin: And he walks away out of the cave.
Taako: Bye!
Magnus: Bye, Klaarg!
Griffin: Gerald Loggins carefully pursues the three of you.
Clint: [dejected] Alright… Merle casts Mass Healing Word.
Travis: Thanks, Merle.
Griffin: Okay. What’s that get everybody?
Clint: [reading] "Everyone you can see within range regains hit points equal to 1d4 plus your spellcasting ability modifier."
Griffin: [amused] That’s not very much health!
Clint: It’s "mass". [Travis: [in the background] This one.] Okay… that is a 3 plus…
Griffin: We’ll say 8! That’s 11 points of damage everybody heals, congratulations. Taako’s still on fire, who wants to go next?
Justin: Wait, 8?
Travis: I would like to… I would say Magnus has matured over time…
Griffin: Okay.
Travis: I would like to look at the ogre and say,
Magnus: We’ve come for the Jeff Angel doll, and if you give it to me right now, we won’t murder you.
Griffin: Make a… what’s the threat one?
Travis: It isn’t a threat— [crosstalk] It’s just a simple conversation.
Griffin: [crosstalk] But…? [laughs] I think it’s Intimidation. You've got to be good at that.
Travis: Nope, nope. That was a 3.
Griffin: Okay, he nods his head yes, and the three of you are absolutely convinced that he is telling the truth. He begins to gesture into a bedroom on the second floor, gesturing you all to come up the stairs. Taako’s head is still on fire.
Travis: Magnus goes up the stairs. He has no reason not to!
Clint: Merle beats— [crosstalk] on his head?
Griffin: [interrupting] No! No, no, no— Magnus, your feet are stuck in tar. [audience laughs] You have to take your shoes off.
Justin: I put my hat— head out.
Griffin: Okay. [laughs]
Clint: Yeah, it’s just his hat!
Griffin: You pat your hat furiously, and the fire goes out.
Taako: Okay, you’re gonna pay for that.
Griffin: How?
Taako: That’s my favorite head.
Griffin: Sure!
Justin: Uh, I cast… [pauses, then laughs proudly] Levitate.
Griffin: Okay. On?
Justin: Me.
Griffin: Yes.
Justin: To. Go. Up. The— to the second floor without using the stairs.
Griffin: You do it. And on the way you see so many traps… you see so many traps, and you go ‘mm, good’. Do you tell your friends about all the traps?
Taako: Hey, there’s so many traps! You’re gonna freak out!
Griffin: As he says that, you all see immediately… some nails on the steps, and some paint cans hanging above you. Now that Taako has pointed them out, you can get around them safely. The ogre looks worried though, and runs off into the bedroom. And now you all have made it to the top of the stairs safely because of Taako’s help. What do you do?
Merle: [unenthusiastic] Thank you, Taakooo.
Taako: Feel good about myself, I guess!
Griffin: For sure.
Magnus: Okay, so, he ran into the bedroom. Guys, I think he… wants us to follow him.
[a few people in the audience whoop suggestively]
Griffin: Gerald says,
Gerald: That’s a good point, I’ll, uh—
Taako: What the fu—?
[Audience laughs]
Gerald: I’ll check the uh, I'll check the— the— first floor to be safe. You all— you all, get ‘im. Uhh… Oh, this is fun. [He chuckles.] You all… [a beat] get ‘im. [laughs]
Griffin: And he heads down to the first floor to look around.
Travis: What do we do?
Justin: It’s not my turn.
Travis: Merle?
Justin: I did that great— [laughs] that great thing where I levitated.
Clint: Merle casts… [pauses]
Justin: Kay. [Pauses, waiting] It’s a bad start, but…
Clint: Sh… I already did the weather thing, didn’t I?
Griffin: Ah, you can do it again, I don’t give a shit.
Clint: Alright, then, I’ll save it! [Laughs]
Griffin: Dad elects not to take a turn!
Clint: No, uh! Merle… walks into the bedroom.
[Audience laughs and cheers]
Griffin: Hey, does a 23 beat your AC? Yes. A giant tarantula jumps— [laughs] jumps on top of you and begins biting you furiously.
Travis: As Taako and Magnus look on.
Griffin: As [mumbles]… just watch. That is 18 points of poison damage, you are bit, and you are bit, and bit, and bit. You are also a dwarf, so half that. You’re welcome for me remembering that, our extremely arcane rule about dwarves.
Justin: I walk over and kick the spider.
Griffin: Okay, do it. Roll a d20 with your, just Attack roll.
Justin: [Crosstalk] 2! I had a 2!
[Audience Laughs]
Travis: [Crosstalk]
Griffin: You kick it— you kick the tarantula right in the fang. Take… [audience laughs] Take 11 points of poison damage.
Justin: [Laughs]
Travis: I hit it with the Flaming Raging Poisoning Sword of Doom.
Justin: [Crosstalk] No, you can’t…
Griffin: It dies, it dies, it dies, it dies, it dies, it dies, it dies, you cut it in half, it dies. Go ahead and roll.
Travis: Nope, hold on.
Griffin: Why did you roll…?
Travis: I rolled a one, but I get a re-roll on one because I have [crosstalk] a lucky thing…
Griffin: [Crosstalk] Oh, okay, you’re right.
Travis: The tooth necklace. So that was a 13 plus… I dunno, like, 12 probably.
Griffin: Yeah, you’re good. I can’t believe you remembered a magic item you have, I’m so proud!
Travis: Yeah, only the one that keeps me from fucking up real bad.
Griffin: Yeah, the spider just disintegrates, it died. Um, and there, you see in this bedroom, a Candlenight bush. It’s a progressive family, they keep the Candlenight bush in the child’s bedroom. It spoils the surprise Candlenights morning, but it’s convenient for him, I suppose. He looks kind of scared as you all breach—
Travis: Wait, is the ogre a kid?
Griffin: It’s an ogre, it’s a big ogre, it’s hard to tell. [Whispers] Yeah, it’s a kid. And, um, [Audience laughs] he’s standing over the Candlenights bush, a single wrapped present is under the bush, [Audience ‘aww’s] and as you all break into the room altogether, he looks down and, [crosstalk]
Travis: [Crosstalk] He’s a—
Griffin: He looks at you all scared, and his chin starts to wobble a little bit, and then, through the windows in his room, you see two giant eyes appear and you hear a big booming voice say:
Parent Ogre: Cozgul! We are so sorry we forgot you at home during trip to blood pits! Can you ever forgive us?
Griffin: And the little ogre just breaks out in tears, and jumps out the window to its mommy and daddy, and—
Travis: Is the present still there?
Griffin: No, he picks it up—
Travis: Fuck!
Clint: Travis, why did you say anything?
Griffin: And the big ogre says,
Parent Ogre: You there, small ones! Thank you for keeping our Cozgul safe during our absence. How can we repay you?
Magnus: Give… give us the toy?
Taako: Well, we…
Parent Ogre: Absolutely not! That thing was super hard to find. But! We can do you one better!
Taako: Oh no…
Parent Ogre: I can show you the secret location of the Turbo Jeff Factory.
[Audience cheers]
Justin: [Laughs]
Parent Ogre: You go there and find all the Turbo Jeffs you need!
Magnus: Okay!
Merle: Thank you!
Griffin: He scoops you up, puts ‘em in his pocket, and starts walking away. Gerald Loggins approaches and says,
Gerald: Oh, you guys— you guys go with the—?
Magnus: Yeah, you follow, Gerald or whatever.
Gerald: Alright.
Griffin: And he just starts sprinting, trying to keep up with the giant gait of these ogres. You follow the ogres through the fastest route out of the caverns, and they point you in the directions of the Turbo Jeff— the direction, there’s just one— of the Turbo Jeff Factory. It’s a surprisingly short walk, you’re there in minutes. Although, it takes considerably longer for Gerald Loggins to catch up. It is secluded, built into a span of a narrow mountain pass, it’s a castle-like stone structure, reaching up into the sky, lit with industrial fluorescent lights hanging from its roof. Inside you hear the noise of machinery whirring and clanging, and then you hear Gerald Loggins, deeply out of breath behind you as he catches up. And he gives a faint smile, and he says:
Gerald: [Pause as he catches his breath] …gonna have some stories from this one, huh?
Taako: Yeah, this is easily one of the most exciting things that’s ever happened to us.
[Audience laughs]
Griffin: You notice that some of his clothes are badly singed, and he has some speckles of hot tar peppered across his face—
Justin: Don’t feel bad for Gerald Loggins.
Travis: Don’t.
Griffin: —Which you assume he got from the—
Travis: What you don’t know? He’s been embezzling.
Griffin: He says,
Gerald: I sure hope my, uh… my sweet Timothy appreciates the tremendous sacrifices I’ve made tonight.
Merle: He won’t.
[Griffin and audience laugh]
Clint: Kids!
[Audience cheers]
Griffin: And like a true gentleman, Gerald steps forward and opens the door to the factory open for the three of you.
Taako: Thanks, Gerald. Um… honestly, I assumed we would have taken the break by now, so I’m not sure what to do next.
Travis: We enter the Factory!
Justin: Have you learned nothing?
Griffin: [Crosstalk] You roll a Dexterity—
Travis: [Crosstalk] You mean you think the factory is booby trapped too?
Griffin: The Home Alone segment of the show is— that would be great though! When you least expect it, on an adventure next year, I’m just gonna put more Home Alone traps in it.
[Audience laughs]
Griffin: You all step foot into a loud, expansive, yet orderly scene. Conveyor belts are collecting different components as they pour from dozens of large molds suspended from the ceiling. The belts converge on a large, single rotating platform, where dozens of thin metal arms grab various appendages and snap them together into humanoid… bird form. From there, they fall into a chute where they’re painted, polished, and wrapped neatly in a package. Then, they’re collected by hooks, that pull them upward into a room, suspended by a— in a— on a catwalk. This is like an episode of fucking How It’s Made, man, this is good shit!
[Audience cheers]
Griffin: Inside, you can see a light flashing rhythmically as each completed doll enters and exits the room. Each time, you see a silhouette of a humanoid figure with his arms raised over his head and hear muffled chanting coming from inside. From there, they drop down one last chute, and land in a neat pattern on a series of palettes. This is it, the epicenter of the Turbo Jeff phenomenon.
Justin: Nice.
Travis: We grab like twenty of them.
Justin: Yeah, I just walk over and grab as— like, literally as many as I can carry.
Griffin: As you take a step forward, from behind the machinery on the ground level, you hear someone clear their throat as the four of you… take a step forward. I don’t know why I put that in there twice. They clap their hands, speakers lower from long metal rods from the ceiling, and begin playing a song.
[Music starts]
Griffin: A single spotlight shines down from the ceiling onto the center of the room. You hear the rapping of talons against the factory’s steel floor as a figure approaches the spotlight, then, he steps into view: two long, powerful wings, bare rippling chest, sweatbands around each wrist, and of course jean shorts that end just beyond the knee; Jeff Angel finds his light and flexes to the beat of his theme song.
[Audience Cheers]
Griffin: He says,
Jeff Angel: Jeff Angel has got to start locking the door to his factory!
Merle: Or at least booby trapping it!
Jeff Angel: That’s a good idea, too. Tell me the truth— you should always tell the truth to parents, cops, and strangers! Are you here for a Turbo Jeff Action Doll?
Taako: Yeah!
Magnus: A couple, I think.
Griffin: The room up on the catwalk flashes again, and you hear louder chanting. He says,
Jeff Angel: Is it for some kids?
Magnus: Yeah…
Taako: Just one.
Merle: The others we’re gonna eBay!
Jeff Angel: Are the kids sick?
Taako: Yeah…
Merle: He has an eye condition… he doesn’t…
Taako: No… They aren’t sick.
Jeff Angel: Even— oh. Still good enough!
Taako: They have astigmatism!
Merle: Yeah!
Jeff Angel: That’s all Jeff Angel needs to hear. Go nuts!
Griffin: And he gestures to all of the, Jeff Angel… Turbo Jeff Dolls. There’s another flash, Jeff Angel’s eyes dart nervously to the suspended chamber on the catwalk and back to you.
Jeff Angel: So, just the one Turbo Jeff each? Maybe you got some cousins you want to ship them off to?
Magnus: [Crosstalk] Uh, yeah, I mean we— yeah—
Taako: [Laughs, Crosstalks] I guess… we’ll uh, take like four or five each.
Magnus: Yeah, I got some cousins.
Taako: Yeah, I’ve got a cousin. Couple cousins.
Griffin: Gerald Loggins walks over to the pile and starts picking some up, he’s got tears in his eyes, [Audience ‘aww’s] his quest is almost come to an end. You see another flash up in the room with the catwalk and hear even louder, more frantic chanting.
Justin: I’m gonna roll a Perception check on the— it’s a 2, it doesn’t matter.
Magnus: Hey Jeff, what’s happening up there?
Clint: Merle casts Zone of Truth!
[Audience cheers loudly]
Griffin: I got a critical failure.
Clint: How?
Travis: Tell us your secrets, Jeff!
Justin: Now Griffin has to tell you a truth!
Jeff Angel: Uh, quality control? Nope. We’re doing… evil stuff up there.
Griffin: He’s like clutching his throat.
Jeff Angel: Ah! Ah! [bird-like] Squawk!
Magnus: Jeff, why you doing evil stuff?
Jeff Angel: Listen. Listen!
[Laughter]
Griffin: He flexes.
Clint: [Crosstalk] Oh yeah!
Travis: [Crosstalk] Really weird flex, but okay.
Justin: That’s a weird flex, but okay.
Jeff Angel: Listen!
[Audience cheers]
Travis: I went— I just said it!
Griffin: Travis just said it.
Travis: [crosstalk] I literally—
Justin: You didn’t— you didn’t nail it. You didn’t nail it. Griffin will edit yours out.
Travis: Okay, okay.
Jeff Angel: You come into my factory, uninvited. I offer you free merch. I feel like you’re just throwing it back in my face.
[Audience laughs]
Jeff Angel: Gang! No, it’s me, Jeff Angel. Eat your greens, tell the truth, call your dad, all that stuff? There’s no way I’d be capable of getting into the kind of nefarious business you seem to be accusing me of. Unless…
Justin: [Together] Unless…
Travis: [Together] Unless…
Griffin: And then what happens next happens so fast your eyes can barely process it. Jeff Angel isn’t in front of you anymore, he’s just on Gerald Loggins, he lifts him into the air with his powerful wings, then flings him over his shoulder and does a backwards somersault, diving him into the ground, and suplexes Gerald so hard that both of his shoes go flying off.
[Audience Cheers]
Griffin: And Jeff Angel looks at the three of you, kneeling over Gerald’s crumpled form on the floor and says,
Jeff Angel: Unless I’m makin’ one hell of a heel turn.
Griffin: We’re going to go to intermission, we’ll be right back!
{Intermission 48:12 - 51:50}
Griffin: Roll— what did you all get for the roll?
Justin: Fourteen.
Travis: I got a 14 as well.
Griffin: Who’s got more Dexterity? Probably Taako, right?
Justin: Yep.
Clint: Nineteen.
[Audience cheers]
Clint: Is this one of those I didn’t want to go— to win?
Griffin: I swear to— I don’t know, dude, but we've been doing live shows actually, like, pretty consistently this year compared to previous years— Merle always fucking goes first. You always crush the initiative roll. It’s just— it’s fine, it’s just weird, isn’t it? I guess you get to roll twice. Anyway, this is nothing— Merle, you are up first. Let me, set the scene for you just in case you are meat-drunk from all the Lambert’s we ate backstage.
Jeff Angel is facing down your party menacingly. Behind him, the machinery of this factory still in operation forming pieces, putting them together, packaging them, and sending them up to a room on the catwalk where bright lights are periodically flashing before being loaded up for shipment. At your feet is Gerald Loggins who has just been put directly in the toilet. What do you do?
[Silence, no one answers]
Griffin: You had… 20 minutes to think about this.
Clint: But I didn’t.
Griffin: Yeah.
Travis: Well, there it is. You can’t argue with that, Griffin.
Justin: He’s got you there.
Clint: I have a hunch. I’m gonna heal Gerald Loggins.
[Audience cheers]
Griffin: Do it.
Clint: Which I’m not— he’s not really that good a healer guy— What do I roll, d4? 2 plus my spell cast—
Travis: He healed him for 10.
Griffin: Which heals Gerald Loggins back up to max.
[Audience laughs]
Griffin: He is a small—
Clint: You know, a thank you would be nice.
Griffin: Thank you. Gerald Loggins, I’ve just decided, his D&D class is stepdad.
[Audience laughs]
Griffin: He says— he like leaps up from the floor, he says,
Gerald: Wow, I haven't felt this good in— in years, thanks, Merle. I actually haven't felt this good since Timothy… became my stepson. I feel good about, um, myself, I guess, thank you, Merle.
Merle: It's good to be appreciated for a change, thank you Gerald.
Justin: You healed him so hard he, like, healed Gerald’s sciatica that's been bothering him for years.
Griffin: Next up is Jeff Angel, who points at Merle and says,
Jeff Angel: Hey! I just finished beating that dude’s ass!
Griffin: And he runs up to you and does a move that I've written down here as Punch Storm. It’s 21 versus AC, Merle.
Clint: Uh…
Travis: Yes.
Clint: Yeah, it hits.
Griffin: He bludgeons you for 22 bludgeoning damage. As a storm of punches—
Travis: You actually have disadvantage because I’m standing near Merle and [crosstalk] I’m a protection fighter.
Griffin: [crosstalk] Ooo, Punch Storm! [audience cheers] Fifteen versus AC.
Travis: Nope! Dad has a 19. I’ll speak for him. [audience laughs]
Clint: I know how to play the game!
Travis: Do you?
Griffin: Oh, the evidence would suggest otherwise. The—
Travis: I like to imagine that Jeff just walked over to punch him and I went “Hold on!”
Griffin: “Hold on!” You put your shield up and just held it there while plink plink plink plink plink plink plink! A storm of— a storm of punches comes out of Jeff Angel’s arms. For his second action, Magnus, make a wisdom saving throw.
Travis: It’s a fifteen.
Griffin: Uh, you have failed. You see him wave his arm in front of his face and turn invisible. [audience cheers] He— when he reappears, he is in the process of choke-slamming you to the ground for a eighteen points of bludgeoning damage.
Travis: That’s fine.
Griffin: That is the end of his turn, we are moving on to Taako from TV!
Justin: What is the— I know there’s Jeff— what’s, like, the arrangement of the bad people?
Griffin: There’s just Jeff that you can see. There’s a bunch of sort of machinery putting the Turbo Jeff action dolls together, there’s a room suspended on a catwalk above you, where, Jeff Angel, I guess confessed that bad things are happening up there. That’s sort of in the center of the room. You all sort of have line of sight on it. Other than that, there’s no other bad people. Unless Gerald Loggins is bad! You haven’t really had a long discussion with him to dial into that. He’s not bad though; he’s great!
Justin: I’m gonna… Um… I’m gonna make a run at Jeff Angel and as I’m running at Jeff Angel I’m gonna tackle Jeff Angel, but as I do I’m gonna pop a piece of Mockingbird Gum. Okay?
Griffin: Okay.
Justin: Okay, so I’m running at him, I pop a piece of Mockingbird Gum, and I tackle him. Then I shout into his microphone:
Taako (in Jeff Angel’s voice): Guys! He’s killing me! Tell him the plan, quick!
[Griffin laughs and the audience applauds]
Griffin: This is— Okay— This is like four rolls!
Justin: Would I roll to chew— Okay, okay— Would I roll to chew gum?
Griffin: No.
Justin: Would I roll to talk?
Griffin: No.
Justin: Would I roll to walk towards someone?
Griffin: Now be careful! You would roll to tackle and to deceive. We’ll fold—
Justin: To tackle— Okay.
Griffin: We’ll fold it into one. You’re not going to hurt Jeff Angel with this roll. This is the tradeoff—
Justin: No, this is not an attack roll.
Griffin: But you can roll a deception—
Justin: Of course I’m not gonna— Okay, here’s the thing, I had to get close to him— I could have just hugged him, like it doesn’t matter— close to him to be able to use his microphone and to make it unclear where the voice is coming from.
Griffin: Make a deception check with advantage because of the great gum. Even though in a previous live show you did say you chew all the pieces of mockingbird gum— I believe it was the pirate episode—
Travis: No he didn’t, he tucked it behind his ear.
Griffin: Sure, sure.
Justin: Chronologically speaking this one actually comes before the other one. [audience and Griffin laugh]
Griffin: Except it doesn’t because Dracula was in Act 1!
Justin: It’s a diff— It’s Gary Oldman Dracula and that was Bela Lugosi.
Griffin: [laughs] It’s a third Dracula! [crosstalk] It’s not the Dracula—
Justin: [crosstalk] It’s yet another Dracula.
Griffin: Fuck it, fine. Whatever.
Justin: It’s Leslie Nielson’s Dracula: Dead and Loving It. [audience laughter] Um, yeah so I got a seventeen.
Griffin: Oh yeah, that does it. With that, uh, the, shit. The shutters of the room above you slide open. Inside there you see the process that you kind of figured out through the shadows that you saw every time the light flashed. Dolls are being brought up into this room on the conveyor belt, brought to the center of the room where a figure is casting some sort of spell or enchantment on them before they’re dropped down on delivery pallets. Only now with the shutters open you do see that figure. He is leaning out of the room, sort of looking worried that Jeff Angel is being destroyed. You see a shitty brown suit, you see just peeking out on top of the window a little bit of diaper… [audience laughter] You see the form of Cherub Joe, the manager of Jeff Angel, who looks down at you and says:
Cherub Joe: Uh, Jeff you— Oh I see. [audience laughter] This is one of those uh… one of those ruses, huh? Did you do— Hey you! With the hat! That’s burned up! [pause] Did you do a ruse on me!?
Taako: You’ve had a ruse from the best, my friend.
Griffin: He nods his head.
Cherub Joe: Yes. Yes. [Travis laughs] Well, uh. It’s a cliche but… you seen too much. [audience laughs]
Griffin: And he flicks his wrists outward and just like that, from the delivery palettes, you see fists punching out of plastic. [Audience “ooh!”s] All of the Turbo Jeff dolls come to life and begin springing from their packaging. This swarm of Turbo Jeff dolls is animated and now approaching your party. Next in the order is Magnus.
Travis: Well, they’ve made one mistake, Griffin.
Griffin: Okay. They’ve brought a thousand Turbo Jeffs to a gun fight?
[Audience laughs]
Travis: They let Magnus loose… in a factory that you described having a bunch of thin metal robot arms.
Griffin: Sure.
[Audience cheers]
Travis: So I’m just gonna go ahead and rip those all up.
Griffin: Sure, those are all sort of suspended on this rotating, circular platform in the middle of the room, still putting pieces of new Turbo Jeffs together.
Travis: Do you need me to roll for that?
Griffin: Yeah, roll a… strength saving throw.
Travis: Let’s see, a strength check, that’s a 26.
Griffin: Oh shit. [Audience cheers] You get them all, and with that—
Travis: And then I hold them out like fans between each like, finger, so I’m holding basically— let’s see, one, two, three—
Griffin: Yeah, you look wild, man.
Travis: Yeah, like Wolverine only with robot hands, and then I start just sweeping the Jeff dolls. Knocking them down.
Griffin: They are— I have them in here as a swarm, so this is just gonna be an attack roll. Use like, your Chance Lance stats against them. Obviously you are using a bunch of metal arms, so there won’t be…
Travis: That is a 16?
Griffin: That beats their AC.
Travis: And I hit them.
Griffin: Yeah, you sure do. Roooll… uhh, shit man. 2d10 plus your strength modifier. I’ll give you that. [Travis: ‘Kay] I mean it’s a bunch of metal arms, I don’t know y’all, I’m just fucking making it up.
Travis: … nine… nine, 18 plus 10, 28?
Griffin: Yeah. You clear out a good number of them. Like a third of the dolls you just see arms and legs go flying, and now that you’ve ripped all the arms off, the conveyor belt has come to a complete stop. All of the Turbo Jeffs that were being put together are sort of halted in the middle of their process, and the Turbo Jeffs that go down in pieces stay down. Next in the order iiiis, Cherub Joe. Cherub Joe, hmm. Merle, make a dexterity saving throw.
Clint: 14 plussss—
Justin: One.
Travis: No six!
Griffin: What!?
Clint: 20!
Travis: He has proficiency in it.
Griffin: Okay yeah, with a 20 you see a bunch of objects in the room begin to animate. There’s actually like a little dining area for employees, which I guess is just Cherub Joe and Jeff Angel? [Audience laughs] And the tables and chairs in this dining area begin to animate and walk towards you like the Mickey sorcerer scene from Fantasia, and then they all just fling themselves in your direction, and the two of see Merle just… dodging out of the way and he is not struck by any of the tables and chairs.
[Audience cheers]
Griffin: The next in the order—
Clint: [Interrupting] Now wait, wait, wait! Now just picture how cool that looks.
Griffin: It looks very cool. Next in the order is the Turbo Jeffs, who have been weakened by Magnus’s— let’s see. Uh, Taako. Let’s make a strength contest of it, what do you say?
Justin: Me versus a tiny action figure?
Griffin: Versus dozens and dozens of tiny action figures, who are ganging up on you. Ooh, that’s a 17 for me.
Justin: That’s a 19 for me.
[Audience cheers]
Griffin: [away from the mic] What the fuck! [He laughs] They all come up to you, a bunch of tiny bird men Jeff Angels, and they start like… grabbing at your feet— and your ankles— and just tryna pick ya’ up— tryna pick ya’ up—
Justin: But they can’t.
Griffin: They’re still dolls, yeah, they don’t succeed.
Justin: Yeah, they can’t do it.
Travis: They actually don’t have muscle mass as dolls. [Griffin: And in fact in— ] Unless in animating them… has it put like blood and muscle and sinew in them?
Griffin: Now let’s explore that.
[Audience laughs]
Justin: And souls? Are there souls and free will?
Griffin: And choice, yeah. I’m gonna say—
Travis: [in a Jeff Angel doll voice] “I don’t wanna fight these guys!” “Oh you better!” “[in defeat] N’oh.”
Griffin: It’s the Candlenights special, so I’m gonna say no? On that one? But because of their failed roll, you immediately stomp the ones who are just under your feet, taking out a few more Turbo Jeff dolls in the process. Next up is… ah, god. Gerald Loggins, I don’t know why I included him in on this. [Audience laughs] Gerald Loggins, he gets in a fierce battle with one Turbo Jeff doll. [Audience cheers] And he— he loses it. [Audience ‘aww’s] This Turbo Jeff doll has him pinned to the ground. Merle, you’re up.
Magnus: [laughing] Save— save Gerald!
Griffin: [laughing] No, I won’t— I actually will— You are not allowed to spend both of your turns in a row saving Gerald Loggins.
Clint: I hadn’t intended on it.
Griffin: Okay.
Clint: Let me open— !
Griffin: His magic glowing book!
[Audience cheers]
Clint: Magic glowing book. That changes color.
[Audience “ooh”s]
Griffin: You got like two more live shows where the audience is gonna be impressed by that.
Clint: I know. Especially since I broke it.
Griffin: [in disbelief] You fucking broke it!
[Audience laughs]
Clint: I broke it, yeah. Merle casts Guardian of Faith!
[Audience cheers]
Griffin: That ol’ chestnut? Alright.
Clint: To protect us from the swarm of—
Griffin: I like that, I like that.
Travis: Jeffs.
Clint: Jeffs.
Griffin: Remind me, do you have the card out in front of you?
Clint: I certainly do, Griffin.
Griffin: Read me that please.
Clint: [reading] “A large spectral guardian—”
Griffin: Yes.
Clint: “— appears and hovers for the duration in an unoccupied space of your choice that you can see within range. The guardian occupies that space and is indistinct except for a gleaming—” Well, but we make her distinct.
Travis: [crosstalk] It’s fine. It’s Della Reese.
Griffin: [crosstalk] Yeah, it’s fine. It is Della Reese, okay Della Reese appears and brings out her mighty flaming sword and she just gets to work. Usually Della Reese gets in a defensive pose and just waits, she appears like, mid-swing with her sword and is just cutting these Turbo Jeff dolls to ribbons.
[Audience cheers]
Clint: Because she thinks Candlenights should be about the candles and not the presents.
Griffin: Exactly. It is a purposeful, principled slaughter as she takes out all but just a small handful, a couple dozen of the Turbo Jeff dolls. I’m gonna add another person to the order. Taako.
Justin: Yeah?
Griffin: Mmm make a… perception check.
[Clint laughs]
Justin: Siiiiiix— [with Clint] teen! Plus six, 22.
[Audience cheers]
Griffin: You feel something moving in your pocket. [Clint laughs] And it begins to climb up your shirt and take you by the throat. It is the tiny toy Cherub Joe that you [Justin: No!] got at the Fantasy Costco earlier.
[Audience cheers]
Travis: Not like this!
Justin: I knew it would come in handy later, I just thought it would be for me.
[Audience laughs]
Griffin: He is… still one tiny doll. So I don’t know, he’s probably like a necktie at this point, trying to choke you, but to no avail. What do you do with your friend here?
Justin: I am going to— I’m gonna immolate him.
[Audience laughs]
Griffin: [laughing] Okay. That’s a free— I’ll give you that as a free reaction.
Justin: It’s almost like a— a uh, that cantrip like prestidigitation, just like poof. Gone.
Griffin: Yeah, that’s all you need. He is melting. His wax is melting, and he looks up at you.
Travis: [in response to someone in the audience] Don’t “aww” him!
[Audience laughs]
Griffin: He looks up at you and he says—
Travis: He is an evil doll!
Justin: He was a bad toy to start with!
Griffin: You drop him because he’s on fire, and he lands on his feet. His torso and head is melting, and he looks up at you and he says:
Cherub Joe doll: [slow and slightly distorted] Daaaddyyy…
[Justin and audience laugh]
Travis: [as the doll] “I was just trying to hug!”
Griffin: Next up is Jeff Angel. Everybody make a dexterity saving throw.
Travis: 20! Nat 20!
[Audience cheers]
Griffin: Good roll!
Clint: Nat 11!
[Audience cheers a little less]
Justin: That’s a 21 from your boy.
Clint: Oh wait, wait, wait. I add six.
Griffin: Okay.
Justin: What?
Clint: Right? 17.
Travis: Dexterity saving throw.
Griffin: The three of you see Jeff Angel stop and consider his actions, then he takes a step over towards Gerald Loggins, and grabs him by the ankles and begins spinning him around in a beautiful whirlwind attack. Taako and Magnus, you just kind of like… you step back. He’s still a small man, you understand the physics of how to get out of the way of him. Merle, you do not. You get clocked by a spinning Gerald Loggins. Take 11 points of bludgeoning damage.
Clint: But my roll was higher than theirs!
Travis: No it was not.
Griffin: No it wasn’t.
Travis: Is 17 higher than 20 or 21? You taught us math!
[Audience laughs]
Clint: Too well, my friend. Too well.
Griffin: Next—
Clint: Wait, wait, wait, how much? Take off how much?
Griffin: 11 points of—
Clint: One?
Griffin: One? Eleven points of bludgeoning damage. Next up, he has a second attack. Magnus. Let’s have a strength contest.
Travis: Alright. Fuck off.
[Audience laughs]
Griffin: I got a 23.
Travis: Oh boyee. Umm. That is… better than mine, but I’m gonna use Indomitable.
Griffin: Okay. Roll again.
Justin: [muttering] Just take it. Just take it for once.
Travis: Okay that’s a 27.
Justin: [crosstalk] [muttering] Just what is this strength contest.
Griffin: 27. He— he runs in and the two of you grapple—
Travis: Okay, so, I’ll give it some flavor: He starts to go down. “Uhg!” and then Magnus flexes and pushes back up.
Griffin: Yeah I like that. You two are grappling each other, and you can tell he’s trying to just take you to Suplex City, but you take him to Suplex City. [Audience cheers] He crashes to the ground behind you, and takes 18 points of bludgeoning damage from the reverse suplex. And when that happens, something weird also happens. You see a little split form the side of his arm, and from that you actually see some stuffing coming out of him. [Audience “ooh”s] Next in the order is Taako!
Justin: Uhh…
Griffin: Not— oh sorry, holy shit. He’s a bird. Like cotton stuffing. [Audience laughs] [laughing] Thank you. Somebody sitting right in front of me was like “Mmm, stuffing.” And I was like “oh shit there’s— that could mean…” [Audience continues to laugh] It could mean a lot of things.
Travis: [laughing] It is pretty close to Thanksgiving.
Griffin: It’s also close to Thanksgiving, yes. Taako.
Justin: What’s the situation, how many haters do we have left?
Griffin: There’s not that many dolls left, you’ve got a slightly injured Jeff Angel on the floor with some stuffing coming out of him, and a yet-unharmed Cherub Joe still up in the suspended room on the catwalk. [Justin: Okay, uh—] Also I’ll give you this: on the catwalk, you hear other sounds of activity that you can’t quite see from your vantage point. That’s all I’ll give ya.
Justin: Okay, you know what—
Griffin: [interrupting] If you’re gonna set that room on fire or something, I’m not gonna make you not do it, I’m just— I wanna paint the scene for ya.
Justin: I— you know what, I’m just gonna blast that room with Sunbeam. ‘Cause I’m tired of it.
Griffin: Okay. What’s that do now?
Justin: [reading] That’s “a beam of brilliant light that flashes out from my hand in a five foot wide, sixty foot long line—”
Griffin: That’s a long fucking beam, dog.
Justin: It’s a big beam, baby.
Travis: I love that what just happened was Justin was like, “what’s up with that room”, and Griffin was like, “just so you know, there might be other people in there”, and Justin was like “fuck it”.
Griffin: I’m gonna cut it with my lightsaber.
Travis: I’m gonna nuke it with the sun.
Justin: It’s not gonna be like, a charity.
Griffin: [crosstalk] Do you roll, or I roll?
Travis: You don’t know!
Justin: Constitution saving throw for everybody in there.
Griffin: Oh boy.
Travis: All the orphans and everything.
Griffin: 14 is not gonna do it.
Justin: Nope.
Griffin: The other thing in the room instantly fails.
Justin: Okay. [in realization] Aww no…
Griffin: No, you’re fine.
Justin: Okay. Creature takes six d8 radiant damage. Can you roll for me? Do you have that little dumaflache you can roll with, [Griffin: Sure.] I don’t wanna roll a d8 six times. That sounds incredibly boring. [Audience laughs] These people paid a lot of money to be here… this beautiful venue that Willie Nelson made…
Griffin: I got a 34. [Justin: Okay.] With a 34 you hit— you hit Cherub—
Justin: Wait. What?
Griffin: 34.
Justin: Oh, 34 damage. [laughing] Sorry I spaced out for a little bit. [Audience laughs] I thought that was your roll.
Griffin: 34 points of fiery damage. With that you blast Cherub Joe directly, and he falls to the floor. The beam is so wide and so big—
Justin: He’s also blinded.
Griffin: He’s— fine. [laughs] The other figure— the other thing in the room is not. With your very powerful beam, sixty feet, it cuts through the fucking ceiling of this factory. It also cuts the catwalk in half. It swings down, falling and dropping the room that it was holding, which crashes into the ruined machinery below. And tumbling out of this big crumpled mess, you see a fairly large safe, that tumbles to your feet.
Justin: Oh, nice!
Griffin: Cherub Joe is… fucked up; Jeff Angel is… not great; not that many dolls left. Next in the order is Magnus Burnsides.
Travis: Okay.
Griffin: Yes.
Travis: Magnus is having a choice here.
Griffin: Yeah.
Travis: A choose-your-own-adventure. On one hand, he looks at his thieves tools, and he looks at the safe.
Griffin: Yeah.
Travis: On the other hand, he looks at his Flaming Raging Poisoning Sword of Doom and he looks at Jeff Angel.
Griffin: Yah. [a pause] This is like the guy looking at a not-his-girlfriend meme where— [he and audience laugh] I get you. The Flaming Raging Poisoning Sword of Doom is walking by you on the street and looks very attractive to you.
Travis: I’m gonna go for the safe.
Griffin: [surprised] Oh, wow, okay.
[Audience cheers]
Travis: I’m gonna crack it.
Griffin: I stand corrected. Roll, what is it, you roll— you’re proficient with your thieves tools, [Travis: Yes.] so you get proficiency bonus, roll a d20. Wow, have you ever picked a fucking lock before?
Travis: No. It’s 19.
Justin: Wait, is this the moment you’re gonna do that?
Griffin: [crosstalk] Nah, he—
Clint: [crosstalk] Is this when you wanna do it?
Travis: Listen, a safe is personal— I’ve matured a lot over the years.
Justin: You’ve matured, you’re just gonna pick a safe in the middle of a fight like a mature adult.
Travis: Yes.
[Audience laughs]
Magnus: Everybody stop! [as if opening the safe] tick tick tick… tick… click-click-click-click!
Griffin: Yeah sorry I just had to roll initiative, you pop the safe open and tumbling out of it you see— well, first you see a few feathers that pop out, and then rolling out of the safe you see the somewhat emaciated form of Jeff Angel.