Transcript by the lovely volunteers at TAZscripts.
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Griffin: Hey everybody, uh real quick I wanted to set up before you listen to this episode, what it is you’re about to hear, uh, instead of putting up a new episode of Amnesty this week, we thought it would be super appropriate to put out our episode one day early today - on Wednesday - because it’s Halloween! And our most recent live show from Seattle, Washington, is a very Halloween spooktastic episode. I— It is probably my favorite live show we’ve ever done, if you are not super into our live shows, I get it, but I would encourage you to give this one a try because, uuuh, it was very very good and we were very very happy with it. Uh, very haunted, very spooky, uuuh, not suitable for people scared of spooky Halloween stuff, skeletons and mummies and stuff like that. But if you got the nerve to stick with it, I hope you enjoy this very haunted episode of The Adventure Zone Live. We will be back in, well two weeks and one day, November 15th, so, uuh, that’ll be the new episode, but for now, enjoy the spooks and scares of the Adventure Zone Live.
[THEME MUSIC: “Déjà Vu” by Mort Garson (full song on YouTube)]
[crowd cheering]
Griffin: It is... it is the afternoon of the midsummer solstice festival, the annual harvest time observation of one of Faerûn’s most spectacular phenomena, the solstice eclipse. You witnessed this once before, during a fair atop the Bureau’s headquarters when voices in the sky knocked everyone unconscious. Boy, that was weird, wasn’t it?
[audience laughs]
Griffin: I bet nothing strange like that is gonna happen this year.
[audience laughs again]
Griffin: The three of you are celebrating the midsummer solstice in the traditional manner with food and drink and dance and... frolicking and, of course, costumes. What did you attend your chosen solstice function in?
Travis: Magnus dressed up as Taako.
[audience laughs, cheers]
Clint: Merle dressed up as a footstool.
[audience laughs, cheers]
Justin: Why’s that… just, why’s that.
Clint: Just because he wanted to.
Justin: Okay.
Travis: Why does anyone do anything?
Justin: Taako dressed up as Captain Ron and then was really upset when nobody got it.
Griffin: Aww. I’m not sure I would have gotten it, Taako. Do you all think it’s definitely been, a… at least a year since the proceedings of the finale, the Story and Song. Do you all attend the... same halloween party? Or uh, do you have your own sort of circles you’re moving in now?
Travis: I mean… uh, yea—
Clint: Have we even been in touch?
Justin: Yeah, have we kept in touch?
Travis: Yeeaaah!
Justin: Roll to see if we kept in touch.
Clint: Yeah, okay.
[audience laughs]
Griffin: I got a nineteen, that’s [crosstalk] pretty in touch.
Justin: [crosstalk] Okay, so, we are very in touch. Yeah.
Travis: I think probably like Magnus organizes it, and Taako keeps saying like “if nothing better comes along.”
Justin: Yeah. And then nothing does. [Travis: Right.] And so he goes.
Clint: And Merle forgets where the location of the party is.
Griffin: Sure.
Justin: Shows up late…
Travis: He’s just there from last year still.
[audience laughs]
Griffin: Okay, you all were enjoying the solstice party that Magnus put together for everyone. And you were anticipating the approaching eclipse, when suddenly you all do hear a noise. You hear the same noise together. You hear music, tiny percussive notes like melody from a music box. You each are at peace as you hear this tune, and then you are super at peace. And then your actions are no longer your own. You each leave the party all together and walk away from it. And you sort of perceive the passing of streets and people and walk together in this trance, and find yourself unable to stop this impromptu journey, and then, as quickly as it came upon you, this fugue state ends as the song fades out.
You are standing on a cliff, just outside of Neverwinter, overlooking a cape that opens up into the trackless sea, which roils several hundred feet below you. Beside you, are your two adventuring companions as you snap out of this trance and, uh, you know they were just in the same state that you were in. What do you do?
- Magnus: Hey.
[audience laughs]
Travis: I was just— sorry. I fell into a trance of my own because of Griffin’s amazing narration.
[audience cheers]
Justin: Wow. That’s a very good cover for “You weren’t listening.”
- Magnus: Hail and well met, other two folks!
Justin: There you go.
- Magnus: So uuuuh, d’you do this?
Griffin: Who?
Travis: Other— the other— uh, you know, the other people.
Griffin: Okay, you looked at me when you said it.
Justin: And in a sense, yes.
Travis: Is it? Now when you said the other two companions, you mean like, them and me, not like, [Griffin: Right.] and there’s not two other people there suddenly.
Griffin: No, its the three of you. I don’t know why this is [crosstalk] such a stumbling block.
Travis: [crosstalk] Alright, I got it wrong! I thought you were saying, like [laughing] and there’s two other people there, too!
Clint: Merle casts, uh, does a perception check.
Griffin: Okay!
[audience cheers]
Justin: How competent.
Clint: Iiiit’s… a two.
Justin: Donesie. Yep.
[audience cheers, Justin laughs]
Clint: Merle’s eyes explode.
Griffin: Taako and the real Captain Ron are standing in front of you, Merle.
[audience and Justin laughs again]
Travis: I got a twelve.
Griffin: You got a twelve? It’s pretty weird, huh? That’s what you pick up on. That’s weird, why did we do this? Why did we walk all the way over here? That’s weird. That’s about all that you get with a twelve. But then the plot keeps moving forward [snickers] because this isn’t working.
Clint: Thank God.
Griffin: With that... great conversation, a shadow passes over all three of your faces in unison. The sun slips behind the moon, and just off the cliff’s edge, an immense spectral shape starts to take form. A new landmass stretches off the cliff you’re standing on, and atop it, a glimmering, iridescent light arcs upward from your feet, and this upward slope of light takes shape as the eclipse reaches its full occlusion. It’s stairs: a grand staircase leading up to a massive door built into the face of a castle unlike any you’ve ever, ever seen.
Travis: Magnus starts running.
Griffin: In which direction?
Travis: Towards it!
Griffin: Okay. This castle is imposing yet narrow. Its shape is punctuated with these odd spires and antechambers that hang off of its sides. The tallest point of the tower is pointing directly into the center of the eclipse, and around that pinnacle you see a cloud of bats circling the perimeter of the building. The castle’s door opens, and a blood red carpet bounds down the stairs, unraveling to your feet.
Travis: Yaaaaaaaaay!
- Taako: Well... this seems normal.
- Magnus: Yes. I’m— listen, I don’t know what’s going on, but I’m loving it…?
- Taako: Yeah, for sure! The aesthetics are on point.
- Magnus: Magic castle, [Taako: Yes,] spires, [Taako: Thank you,] a carpet? [Taako: Oooh yeaaah.]
- Merle: I’m glad I perceived that.
[audience laughs]
Griffin: Uh, do you all head into the—
- Magnus: Yeaaaaahhhhh!
- Taako: Heelll yes!
- Merle: [donkey-like] Uh-huh.
Griffin: Okay, you all step into the castle, and the double doors slam behind you.
- Taako: Ah, shit!
- Merle: That’s not good.
Griffin: You are—
- Magnus: [calling out] Helloooo?
Griffin: You are—
- Taako: [getting softer] Hellooo?
[Tres Horny Boys all continue to say hello repeatedly, imitating echoing in a cave]
Griffin: It’s dark in here, and as you shout ‘hello’, candles hanging on the walls and columns around this room start to ignite by themselves and you see that you are standing in the foyer of this castle.
Travis: You know, it occurs to me that as you are describing this, it’s probably hard to achieve that kind of like “jump-scare, door-slams, no one was there,” when like, one-third of everyone can do magic.
Griffin: Sure.
Travis: So it’s like, the door closed on its own! [crosstalk] Like I see people do all the time.
Griffin: [crosstalk] I get it, doors close on their own all the fucking time.
Clint: And its two-thirds.
[audience laughs]
Clint: Sir. Thank you very much.
Griffin: The foyer of this castle is perplexing, just as perplexing as the building’s external architecture. It was once a beautiful, intricately designed room, but centuries of violence and decay have left it decrepit. A grand staircase climbs towards the back of the room where a large statue, a large gargoyle, with its wings curled around it and three large holes carved out of its chest watches over the rest of the foyer. [Justin inhales sharply as if to start speaking] ...Yes?
Justin: I’m going to play Dungeons and Dragons very quick. Um, I want to, uh—
Travis: Everybody stand back!
Justin: Stand back! I would like to, uh, roll a History check? [Griffin: Okay.] Looking at some of the architecture, the design, [Griffin: Sure!] see if I’m picking up on any sort of like, cultural... touchstones or anything.
Griffin: Sure! Do you want to retcon so you did this outside? Or are you [crosstalk] doing this as you are walking in?
Justin: [crosstalk] No, as I am walking in, yeah.
Griffin: What didya get?
Justin: 15.
Griffin: Hmm. Uh—
Clint: Oh, add your history modifier!
Justin: I did.
Clint: Oh.
[audience laughs]
Justin: It’s five.
Griffin: You… you don’t know the history of this place, but I do think you recognize that this place is… this place is ancient. It is maybe the oldest place you have actually been to, the oldest like structure, you know, man made structure that you have ever stepped foot inside.
Justin: Okay.
Griffin: So, you’ve got the gargoyle. Uhhh, gargoyle, gargoyle, gargoyle…
Travis: You’ve got the gargoyle! Go for gargoyle!
Griffin: The candles hanging on the walls and columns of this room cast this stygian chamber in a gentle warmth—
Travis: This what?
Justin: The what?
Griffin: Stygian? Isn’t that— Did I use that word right?
Clint: You did, yes.
Griffin: Alright.
Justin: Oh fuck off! Like—
[audience laughs]
Justin: Seriously, 80% of this audience is like, “I know what that word is and can address your usage!”
Griffin: The uh, there are a few exits from this room on the ground floor level, but the most noteworthy thing is a... person [Travis: Oh!] standing in the center of the room. Yeah, I was trying to get to this NPC and you all were like, “Well, let me do my checks,” and I guess he just stood there the whole time like “Yep, go ahead.”
Clint: Yeah, well it was so stygian dark we couldn’t see him!
[Travis and audience laughs]
Griffin: This figure has his hands clasped in excitement in front of his face. He is tall and muscular and pale with dark hair that ends at a widows peak and two fangs that extend [Travis: [exasperated] Alright.] beyond his lips’ capacity to enclose them. He’s wearing a long black leather duster over a blood red vest and a black collared shirt. And seeing you enter, he says... [clears throat]
Justin: [chuckles]
Travis: Do it.
Clint: Come on. Come on.
- Unnamed figure (obviously Dracula): [in a false Romanian accent with a low, nasally voice] Good evening, gentlemen!
[audience cheers, Travis laughs]
Clint: [Imitating Griffin’s accent, as the Count from Sesame Street] One! One mysterious stranger!
- Dracula: Welcome to my home! I hope your journey here was not too discombobulating.
[Clint and Justin laugh]
Travis: Do you need to finish chewing? We can wait.
- Taako: Hail, friend! My name is Taako, these stygians to my left are my compatriots, Merle and Magnus.
- Merle: Yo!
- Magnus: Hi!
- Dracula: A pleasure.
- Magnus: Okay.
- Dracula: My name is Dra-coo-laaaaaaaaa.
[audience laughs]
Justin: Twist, right? Y’all were surprised?
- Dracula: Certainly my reputation precedes me. [Travis, Justin, and Clint laugh loudly] Have tales of my sanguine customs reached Neverwinter’s shores?
Justin: [laughs so hard he begins coughing]
[audience laughs, cheers]
Travis: Alright, that’s gonna do it for us tonight, thank you so much!
Justin: In my head right now, friends, if we can take you inside the game, in my head, I am trying to figure out how Griffin is gonna prompt me to attack this figure, because currently, [audience laughs] odds are at zero percent of me raising a hand against this incredible person.
Travis: He’s going to become our fourth party member.
Justin: Yeah, right. Gonna get a new DM cause Dracula is always with us.
[everyone laughs]
Griffin: Damn. That’s season three right there.
Justin: Yeah. [in a mocking ‘pretentious artist’ voice] We’ve been looking for a new creative approach to the material, so we put Dracula in it.
[Clint laughs]
Griffin: Dracula has asked if you’ve heard, if you know his flavor.
Justin: [barely audible through his gasping laughter] Yeah—
Travis: Do we?
Griffin: You have to stop asking me if you know things!
Clint: Chocolate!
- Magnus: Yes! I do, you are, uh, Dra-coo-laaa, as you said, um, and you are a— if I am not mistaken, a vam-peer?
- Dracula: Yes, how did you knowww?
- Magnus: Context clues, mostly.
Clint: [laughs] And the voice, and the voice.
- Dracula: I try to keep a low profile, unlike the other Dracula, always going around, biting people in public. Getting books written about them and stuff.
- Taako: Hold on, you’re a different Dracula?
- Dracula: Are you saying there can’t be two vampires named Dra-coo-laaaa? This is— this is like saying there can’t be two bus drivers named Keith!
[everyone laughs]
- Dracula: I am new to the area and looking for enterprising individuals with leadership experience to serve in execu— [Magnus: You got a start up?] in executive roles in the new chapter of my organization.
- Merle: The JC’s.
- Dracula: No! You could think of it as something of a [in a low, croaky voice] b-bloood baaaank.
- Magnus: A what?
- Dracula: A bloood baaank.
[everyone laughs]
- Dracula: Only we will be the bank. It’s something of a peer-to-peer blood banking service.
- Magnus: Wait, hold on, are you gonna eat us?
- Dracula: I have no interest in eating you, I want to hire you!
- Taako: Okay!
[audience laughs]
Griffin: He says,
- Dracula: No, I have heard your story from the strange space fish, [audience cheers] and I assume you may be hesitant to accept this lifestyle, and so I have prepared for you something of a, a presentation on my company.
- Taako: [laughing] Oh like a Pow— like a PowerPoint?
[audience laughs]
- Dracula: A bit more interactive than thaaat.
Griffin: He says,
- Dracula: I will be waiting for you atop of my castle. Only once you have completed the three trials located in the rooms around you... only then after you have collected the key spheres from each of these chambers, will you be able to place them into the gargoyle’s torso and come up and see me.
- Magnus: Okaay!
- Taako: So, can I just clarify something? So, real— real quick, [Dracula: Yes.] is this your house?
[audience laughs]
- Dracula: Yes.
- Taako: So you just live— is this your daily routine before you go upstairs, you complete your three challenges, put the key spheres into the gargoyle’s torso, or..? That must be really hard if you wanna run upstairs mid-movie. Gotta pause...make the popcorn...do the three challenges, get the three key spheres, put it in the gargoyle’s torso, then go upstairs.
- Magnus: Additional question along with that: [Dracula: Yes.] When the eclipse ends, do you just fall through the air into the ocean?
Griffin: It’s funny you say that, actually through the like, few windows that are in this room, the eclipse hasn’t ended, it is...stuck. For whatever reason, the eclipse is not passing.
Travis: Probably Dracula did it.
Griffin: Probably Dracula did it.
[audience laughs]
Travis: That’s also my favorite running joke in Family Circus. “Dracula did it! It was Dwa-coo-la!”
- Dracula: These trials will be difficult, at least, they will be for... the mortal soul.
Griffin: And he chuckles,
- Dracula: [chuckling] Mhm!
- Taako: I— Not an exaggeration, literally don’t know if we are [giggling] mortal or not!
Travis: Yeah.
Griffin: No, you’re defo mortal.
Justin: Okay. For sure.
Travis: Well. Hmm.
Justin: Uhm, ok. Sooo, I have to ask, you, Griffin— [Dracula: Yes] No, lemmie get— Dracula, can you turn—
Griffin: I can’t turn him off at this point.
[audience laughs]
Justin: Okay. Then I’ll talk to Dracula, then. Gosh, this is just like backstage. You can’t talk to Griffin directly, you have to talk to Dracula.
[audience laughs]
Justin: I’m sorry, by the way, balcony, I keep moving the hat so you all can get the full... show.
Clint: Justin Experience.
[audience cheers]
Justin: Nah but, for real, uh
- Taako: Do you, uh, do you want us to attack— there’s three, so I have to— and three of us, so I have to ask, did you intend for us to do these... together or…? One for each of us? What’s the plan?
- Dracula: You can tackle them however you want. I have heard things about [slightly louder] splitting the party not being the smartest idea, but...
- Taako: What are they— what are they balanced for? Are they balanced for one to three players?
- Dracula: [sarcastically] This adventure is for level five hero— what are you talking about?!
[everyone laughs]
- Magnus: Alright! I’m going with door number one, we’ve got twenty minutes before intermission—
- Taako: Wait!
- Merle: Wait, what door!
- Dracula: I have to ascend before you start doing the—
- Magnus: Why?
- Dracula: Because I can’t be here while you are doing the challenge—
- Magnus: No, you go up and we’ll start the… like, you go, and we’ll go same time!
- Dracula: Okay, bye, see you sooon!
- Magnus: Okay, byyeee!
Griffin: And he turns into mist and floats up through the ceiling.
Clint: [whooshing noises]
Griffin: As you look around the foyer you see three exits on this floor, two— to your right there are two doors side by side, one is labelled “Kitchen”, the other is labelled “Laboratory”. You have one door to your left which is labelled “Ballroom” and behind this door you hear some just funky music playing. Just really, just nasty bass slapping going on behind that door.
- Magnus: Okay byyeee, I’m going to the ballroom!
- Taako: I’m going to the kitchen!
- Merle: I’m going to the lavatory!
Justin: [crosstalk] No, come on.
Travis: [crosstalk] Oh, no.
Justin: No, no we— let’s not do that. I don’t wanna do that.
Griffin: Do you all wanna split up or no?
Justin: I don’t.
Clint: No!
Justin: No, I don’t. Uh—
Clint: Don’t cheat them!
Justin: Follow, follow— are you really excited about the ballroom?
Travis: Yeah!
Justin: I felt like he was leading us, which is why I was... [Travis: Yeah!] Okay, ballroom it is.
Travis: [crosstalk] Yeah!
[audience laughs]
Griffin: You enter into the ballroom, it’s a cavernous space with a floor made of gleaming polished wood. To the left— as opposed to carpet? Why did I include that, it’s a ballroom. Anyway, [crosstalk] to the left side of the room—
Travis: [crosstalk] It’s a, it’s a bounce trampoline floor.
Griffin: To the left side of the room, there are a row of towering windows, but they are all covered in these dark blackout curtains that stretch floor to ceiling. There is some light in this room, however, not from the candles in the foyer. There are none of those in here, but there is a large rotating disco ball positioned above the center of this room. It’s throwing little spotlights all around, twirling in time to a song emanating from an old gramophone in the far corner of the room, one with a particularly large horn that is just blasting some old disco music.
To the right side of the door as you enter is one object that looks really out of place. It is a small pedestal made of intricately woven black metal, reaches up to about Magnus-waist height, and right atop it is a black claw gripping a small vial full of bubbling red fluid. Whaddaya do?
[pause]
Travis: I mean… probably drink it.
[audience laughs]
- Taako: [crosstalk] Yeah—
Griffin: [crosstalk] I did not mean to prompt— like, “Magnus, this is your vial of red fluid,” I was just using you as a height, [crosstalk] sort of. Um.
Travis: [crosstalk] I see.
- Magnus: Well, I think I know the thing: we have to dance.
Justin: I’m gonna, I’m gonna in— no, we’re— okay. I’m gonna investigate.
Travis: [crosstalk] Magnus begins dancing.
Justin: I’m, that’s fine.
Travis: That’s 7, plus 10… 17.
Justin: Wait, he has a—you have a +10 to dancing?
Travis: It’s Athletics.
[audience laughs]
Justin: Arguable.
Griffin: Is it?
Justin: Arguable.
Travis: Yeah!
Justin: Arguable. Um, Acrobatics, I would argue. But—
Griffin: I would argue Performance, more than anything.
Travis: No, I’m not performing for anyone, this dance is for me.
Justin and Griffin: Okay.
[audience cheers]
Justin: I’ve got— I’ve got a 14 investigation, I’m looking at the pillar specifically, like, what [crosstalk] anything interesting about it.
Griffin: [crosstalk] There’s no pillar.
Justin: The black, woven…
Griffin: [crosstalk] Oh, yeah, okay.
Travis: [crosstalk] Oh, what a trip that would have been!
Clint: [crosstalk] The pedestal.
Justin: [crosstalk] Pedestal. Pedestal. Sorry.
Griffin: Okay, let’s resolve these in order. Magnus, you take a step forward to just get groovy on this dance floor and… you are… something runs into your head and hits you pretty hard. You take four points of bludgeoning damage.
Travis: I thought you said it hit me hard.
Griffin: I mean, it wasn’t pleasant, and you are knocked backwards. [to Justin] Now with your 14, you’re looking at the pedestal?
Justin: Yeah. And the vial of blood, I mean, like, just that scene.
Griffin: Yeah, you can tell it’s not trapped, it’s not... it’s not cursed by magic in any way that you can tell, it’s just—
Justin: The vial look like anything I recognise?
Griffin: It looks like a potion.
Justin: [thoughtfully] Potion.
Travis: Um, I’m going to do a Survival check.
Griffin: [surprised] For what?
Travis: I’m going to smell it and see if I detect any, like, poison, you know, uncork it and—
Griffin: Okay!
Travis: That’s a 5 plus 11, 16. I’ve never gotten to use my survival skill before!
Griffin: Yeah, I was gonna say, I don’t even know what that one does. [audience cheers] Yeah, doesn’t, doesn’t smell poisoned.
- Taako: Go ahead— well, go ahead, Merle.
[audience laughs]
- Merle: I can name that tune in six notes.
- Taako: No, drink the, drink the shit.
- Magnus: Yeah, drink the, drink it.
- Taako: Drink it.
- Merle: What?
- Taako: Like half, probably.
- Magnus: Drink it, Merle.
- Taako: Drink like half.
[audience laughs]
- Taako: You’re like, small— [crosstalk] — okay.
- Merle: [crosstalk] Tell you what. [sticking his tongue out] I’ll take my tongue [Magnus: Let’s all three roll.] and just put [crosstalk] No, you did your turn!
- Taako: No, we’ll roll, [Magnus: Yeah—] and whoever gets highest— [laughing] sorry, whoever gets lowest has to drink it.
- Magnus: Yeah.
[audience laughs]
- Taako: [laughing] Bring your— you got your dice? [crosstalk]
Griffin: [chuckling] What does this look like in-game?
Travis: It’s us like, rock-paper-scissor-ing. [crosstalk]
[sounds of rolling dice]
Justin: 3.
Travis: I got 5.
Clint: I got 6!
Justin: God— son of a bitch. [crosstalk]
[audience laughs]
Justin: [upset] Goddamnit. Alright, fine.
Griffin: Alright, you drink it up?
Justin: Yeah, I lost.
Travis: “I drink it up!”
Griffin: Uh, you feel awesome. You feel super good. You actually feel, um, you’re already a pretty, like, nimble wizard, you are— you are the flip wizard. You feel actually your, like, dexterity and your agility, is, like, doubled. It is, like, out of control. You are straight-up American Ninja Warrior material right now.
Justin: Okay, well, I’m gonna— I’m just gonna roll with it, I’m gonna go on the dancefloor. I know he got bludgeoned but I don’t think I’m going to.
Griffin: Okay. Uh… heheh. [Travis starts singing “Stayin’ Alive” by the Bee Gees] Make an Acrobatics check. With an advantage. Make an Acrobatics check.
Justin: Sure. [mumbling, then amused]... that’s a miss. I’m just guessing it’s a miss.
Griffin: Okay.
Justin: 10, altogether.
Griffin: No, that’s a— that would not be good.
Justin: And a… s-guh! Oh man!—
Travis: You have triple advantage.
Justin: Triple advantage?
Griffin: Nope!
Justin: No, that’s a— it’s like a 6.
Griffin: You are bludgeoned for six points of damage and knocked backwards.
Clint: Merle... cartwheels out onto the dance floor.
Griffin: You guys are so good at adventuring it blows [crosstalk] my fuckin’ mind.
Clint: [crosstalk] And does this!
[audience laughs]
Griffin: Go right ahead.
[pause]
Clint: ...And rolls a seven.
Griffin: [immediately] You’re kicked in the face for 5 points of damage.
Clint: Wait a minute!
Griffin: [crosstalk] I’ll give you that! Now you can— you’ve all been hit by this thing so many times, you know that that was a foot hitting you in the fucking face. You’ve been kicked in the face.
- Magnus: Alright.
Justin: Alright.
- Magnus: Taako, you try it again.
[audience laughs]
- Taako: Okay, well I drank— hold on, let me think. [a beat] Maybe it’s this style of music. Th— I need different music to dance to, maybe that’s—
Justin: Is there any other records?
Griffin: Why don’t you make a Perception check to see if you see any other records, if that’s what you’re...
[audience laughs]
Justin: [in accepted defeat] It’s a— I rolled a one.
[audience laughs]
Clint: Go, roll, perceive! Perceive!
Griffin: You are gonna die in this— [crosstalk]
Travis: [proudly] I rolled a nineteen.
Griffin: Okay.
Travis: Plus one.
Griffin: There are no other records. You do see, with that check, the curtains hanging on the windows are moving as if they’re like caught in a very faint breeze from time to time. And as they move, they let in a little of that weird gray eclipse light from inside, and when they do, you can swear that you see, like, shapes. Just for a second, and then they’re gone.
Travis: Ooh, I pull down one of the curtains.
Griffin: Okay. You pull down one of the curtains and it floods this room with this grey light, and then you can see... you see figures taking shape all around the ballroom. Hundreds of spectral forms all disco dancing, and couples all wearing adventurer’s gear, floating through the air, just sort of quickly moving around the room, all revolving around the disco ball at the center. They are just tirelessly grooving to this music, their flailing limbs forming a formidable gauntlet for any who would attempt to move further into the room.
But you also see, seated just to the side of the curtain you just pulled down, a young human woman. The ghost of a young human woman, who is also dressed in adventurer’s clothes. She’s got some light leather armor, and like a triangular leather hat, and a quiver of crossbow bolts, the whole deal. And she’s just kinda hunched over looking at the dancers, looking kinda bored.
Travis: So the people dancing on the floor are all dancing in pairs?
Griffin: Yes.
Clint: Disco dancing in pairs.
Griffin: Yes.
Clint: Merle casts Speak with the Dead.
Griffin: Okay.
Travis: You could have also said “hi”.
Griffin: No, I like this.
Clint: Well, th— but if I’m just now speaking with ‘em, that’ll be one of the things I say to them.
Griffin: Okay. Uhh, Merle, this— this ghostly human woman looks up at you as you cast this spell and uh, says— can everybody hear this, or just you if your Speak to the Dead spell— does it say?
Clint: Uhm.
Griffin: You don’t have to lie.
[pause]
Clint: No, I—
Griffin: Okay, she speaks to everyone. She says...
Clint: Okay. Phew.
Griffin: She says,
- Ghost Woman: [in a high-pitched, sing-song, ghostly voice] Hellooo, this is what ghooosts sound liiike.
[audience laughs]
Justin: Lotta really good character work from you today.
Clint: It really is.
Griffin: Thank you.
- Merle: Um, hello. I’m Merle, and these are my sidekicks.
[audience laughs]
- Magnus: Uh. Do you wanna dance?
- Ghost Woman: Absolutely nooot. I’m goood. You all shouldn’t have cooooome heeeeeere probably.
- Magnus: Okay.
- Ghost Woman: Sorry, it’s real annooying to taaalk like thiiis.
- Magnus: You could not.
- Ghost Woman: Uhh, lemmie tryyy. [a beat] [strained] Heyyy— nope it’s gonna coome oout thiis waay.
- Magnus: Um, do you have any insight here as far as like, what we need to, [crosstalk] you know, do?
- Ghost Woman: You know, I’ve gooot insight for daaays. I, liiike everyone here, came to this castle to kill Dracula, but ooobviously beeefed iiit.
[Travis and audience laughs]
- Merle: Why aren’t you dancing?
- Ghost Woman: I don’t feel like iiit.
- Merle: Hm.
- Magnus: So what do we need to do?
- Ghost Woman: Well, big piiicture, kill Draculaaa—
[Travis laughs]
- Merle: [crosstalk] Yeah.
- Ghost Woman: I had a few weapons Iii thought were maaybe promising, but they were taaken from me when I beeeefed iiiit. [Travis and Justin laugh] I heard Draac say he was going to buuurn one of my weaaapons, seems like I was ooon to something… but! Little pictuure, you need to get the keeey sphere, it’s inside the diiisco ballllll.
- Magnus: Okay.
Travis: And I chuck Chance Lance at the disco ball.
Griffin: Uhhh, okay. Make an attack roll.
Travis: [rolls] Uh, nope.
[someone snorts like, right into the mic]
Travis: Uh, I mean it ends up being like a 12.
Justin: Dracula is ruinin’ our rolls.
Griffin: It gets hit by one of these dancing, uh spectral disco dancers, and gets just knocked across the room.
Travis: I call it back.
Griffin: Okay.
- Taako: Um, so if I danced good enough, could I.. .get… to the… ball?
- Ghost Woman: Yeah, probablyyy. You didn’t driiink the poootion diiid yoou?
- Taako: I did [crosstalk] drink the po—
- Ghost Woman: [crosstalk] Ohhh beeeeans.
- Taako: Aw no, is that— was that wrong?
- Ghost Woman: I don’t know.
Justin: Okay, well, now that I can see everybody, I’m gonna go back out to the dance floor and try to really [Griffin: Okay.] shake… shake… the stuff.
Griffin: Gimmie an Acrobatics roll.
Clint: I think— I think this demands some kind of audio component, Griffin. At least give us a disco song that everybody’s dancing to.
Griffin: [defeated] Sure. Uh, it’s like, this one’s like— no yeah, this one’s like [makes funky disco noises].
Clint: So like the Ohio Players, [crosstalk] we’re talking like—
Griffin: [crosstalk] Yes. Sure.
Justin: Okay.
Griffin: Roll an Acrobatics check for me, Juice.
Justin: It’s not Performance?
Griffin: Uh, sure, Performance works too.
Justin: It’s Acrobatics.
[Audience laughs]
Travis: You have advantage.
Griffin: You have advantage.
Justin: Well, let’s see how that goes… ayy, a natural 20!
Clint: Whoo, a nat 20!
[audience cheers]
Justin: All right!
Griffin: Yeah, you groove right to the center of room, and make it past all of the dancing couples, and as you reach the center of the room, you are now standing immediately underneath the disco ball, and have access to it. Everyone else is just kind of spiraling around you, sort of— you’re in the eye of the storm.
Justin: Umm… I will— can I reach it? [crosstalk] Is it out of reach?
Griffin: [crosstalk] Yeah!
Justin: I’ll grab it.
Griffin: [laughing] Okay! You grab it, and as you do, the mirrored pieces of the disco ball just fall away and now you are just holding this sphere. It’s a small black sphere, about the size of a grapefruit, and carved into it with red ink is this symbol in the shape of a bat. And as you hold it, all of the other ghosts in this room vanish from sight.
Travis: [to the tune of the Final Fantasy Victory Music] Babababum ba bum [crosstalk] ba ba baaa!
Griffin: [crosstalk] Yeah, I guess so, that took a long time.
Justin: [crosstalk] Yeah! Whoo!
Clint: [crosstalk] Yeah!
Griffin: Where are you going next? Which chamber?
Travis: The kitchen!
Justin: Kitch— yeah, kitchen.
Griffin: All right.
Travis: We’ll go to the laboratory—
Griffin: It takes a moment for your eyes to adjust as you step into the kitchen. The entire room is just brilliant, illuminated by these lamps on the walls which refract light off of gold-plated cookware and gilded cutlery. Everything—
Travis: Tell me about the backsplash.
Griffin: It’s gold, and beautiful, good bla— backsplash. Nobody in HGTV’s House Hunters would have anything shitty to say about this backsplash. Uh, everything in here is immaculate and fancy and beautiful. Taako, you know your way around a cooking room— I don’t know why I said that, um—
[Travis laughs]
Travis: You know—
Griffin: [Crosstalk] And this is—
Clint: [Crosstalk] You know, a cooking room!
Griffin: [Crosstalk] This is like—
Travis: [Crosstalk] If only we could come up for a better word for it than cooking room. Maybe someday!
Justin: Everything’s there. The cut— the cut sticks, the stir wands.
[Audience laughs]
Justin: All the great, the great different things!
Griffin: And this is—
Justin: The heated box!
Griffin: This is like, top five best kitchen you’ve ever been in.
Justin: Okay.
Griffin: Just off to your right as you enter, though, is one object that doesn’t match the aesthetic. It’s another one of those pedestals, holding another potion. Uh, and you also see movement out of the corner of your eye, and you see an object laying on the kitchen island. It is a golden spatula, and it starts to rattle a little bit on the table, and then it grows arms and legs, and it stands up on its handle. And it grows a little mustachioed face on it, and it says,
- Spatula: [a dramatic voice] Guests, welcome to the Master’s kitchen! You must be tired after your journey here. Please, make yourselves comfortable!
- Taako: Okay.
- Spatula: I take it you’re in the process of considering the Master’s job offer? I believe you’ll find the benefits quite enticing.
- Taako: Did you come here to kill ‘im?
- Spatula: [incredulous, bordering on sarcastic] Why, no!
- Magnus: Did you used to be a person?
- Spatula: [sing-song] Maybe! [audience laughs] I’ll never tell!
- Merle: Did you used to be a singing candelabra?
[audience laughs]
- Spatula: I don’t know about candelabra, but I could sing a song.
Griffin: And he starts to break into song as other objects in the room [Travis: No wait, don’t— !] lift up and spring up— [crosstalk, Clint starts singing “Be Our Guest”]
Justin: [crosstalk] No, no, no, it’s different. [To the tune of “Be Our Guest”] Visit us! Visit us! Sit on down, and eat some food.
[audience and Clint laughs]
Justin: We think you’re really gonna like the food! [Griffin laughs]
Travis: Please leave a Yelp review!
Justin: Don’t make it one star or two, just visit us, eat some food— we made it.
Griffin: He goes— [audience laughs and cheers] he go— [crosstalk]
- Merle: So what is your name, Spatula? [crosstalk]
Travis: [crosstalk] Wait, he’s trying to talk!
Griffin: [crosstalk] — I’m not gonna sing your song, it’s done, uh, [Clint: Oh.] it just goes on—
Justin: Dad’ll never learn any of the names.
Griffin: Yes, it just goes on and on like this, and the whole kitchen is getting into it. There’s dishes twirling in sync, there’s champagne bottles firing off just fountains of bubbly, it’s a remarkable display, and one that you feel pretty certain is not gonna help you at all in finding the orb hidden somewhere in this room.
There are several areas you can check. There is the— there are cabinets above and below the kitchen sink, there is also a china cabinet off to the side, there’s an oven, a fridge, a freezer, uh, silverware drawers, a liquor cabinet, and a furnace.
Justin: Oh my god.
Griffin: You don’t have to memorize all those, just name one that you wanna [crosstalk] check out.
Justin: [crosstalk] I’m looking in the cabinets.
Clint: [crosstalk] Liquor ca— tshoo.
[audience laughs]
Travis: Magnus drinks the potion.
Griffin: Oh, yeah there’s also the potion. Let’s resolve that first! Go ahead. You just chug it down?
- Magnus: I mean, Merle, you wanna roll again? [to Taako] You’ve already got the red potion.
- Merle: ...Okay.
- Magnus: This time, high— high one wins.
- Merle: W-wait a minute. [laughing] High one wins by not having to drink it?
- Magnus: No, no, I wanna drink it!
- Merle: A’ight.
Travis: I got a four.
Clint: I got a sixteen.
Travis: Merle drinks it.
Griffin: Okay.
Clint: Wait a minute.
[glass clinks as Clint presumably picks up a drink as if it were the potion]
Travis: Nope, no, that’s real beer, Dad, no!
Clint: Oh!
Griffin: You would hate that! Uh, okay, you drink the potion, Mac, and—
Travis: [in the background] No, that’s my water. [crosstalk] You can’t have that either.
Clint: [crosstalk] Okay.
Griffin: [crosstalk] [laughing] Let’s play Dungeons and Dragons. Look at the clock. Do you see the scary low number on it?
Clint: [makes glugging noises as if drinking] Ahhhh.
Griffin: You down the potion in the worst foley I’ve ever heard in my fucking life. [audience laughs] And suddenly you feel your senses heightened supernaturally. You have these very powerful senses, a Sixth Sense almost, you could call it. And you can tell there is—
- Merle: I see dead people.
Griffin: Okay.
- Magnus: That was the other room.
- Merle: Oh, sorry.
Griffin: There is nothing, you can tell, there’s nothing in the oven, there’s nothing in the overhead cabinets, or the silverware drawers. There is something powerful in the furnace in this room. That’s what you can tell with your heightened senses.
- Merle: Hmm. [Griffin: So, underneath—] Taako! Go look in the… furnace?
Griffin: Sure.
- Merle: Remember she said that Dracula tried to burn up her weapon. I bet there’s [Taako: Right!] a really groovy weapon in there.
- Magnus: Ah, sick memory!
[scattered audience laughter]
- Taako: Um.
- Merle: Thank you.
- Magnus: It’s not gone yet.
Justin: Uhhh.
- Merle: What isn’t?
- Magnus: [unamused] Okay.
[audience laughs]
Justin: Okay, I will check out the furnace.
Griffin: Okay! Uh, you throw it open and there is indeed a very powerful heat coming out of the furnace. And the— the cookware and stuff still singing the song kind of eyes you, looking kind of nervous as you start poking around the kitchen not sort of being entertained by their song. You can see, uh, something in the ashes of the fire, uh, that— not ashes, but there’s something in the fire you can tell.
Clint: Fire.
Griffin: Um, [Justin: Uh.] you see a shape, not a spherical shape, but there’s something in there.
Justin: I will, uh… pull my hair back in a ponytail, [Griffin: ‘Kay] one. Two, cast Fire Shield. [Griffin: Okay.] On myself.
Griffin: Alright, I assume that gives you a shield against fire.
[Justin clicks his tongue and Clint laughs.]
Griffin: Okay, you are shielded from fire!
Justin: Truth in advertising. And I’ll just fuckin’ root around in there.
Griffin: Okay! It doesn’t take you long, you reach in and at the bottom of the furnace you pull up what looks like, uh, a long cable that’s been fashioned into a whip. It is a long metallic whip.
Travis: [laughing] I just heard someone go “Yess”! “Yess”!
Griffin: That is what you find. [crosstalk] Magnus.
Justin: [crosstalk] Okay, I pick it up with t— my thumb and forefinger [laughing] and hand it to Magnus.
Griffin: Okay! Magnus, uh, where do you wanna check? We still have—
Clint: And it burns his pocket.
Griffin: Underneath cabinets, china cabinet, uh— uhh—
Travis: I’m gonna check that china cabinet.
Griffin: Okay.
Travis: I’m gonna check it real hard!
Griffin: You see as you— [Travis makes a growling noise] you open it and you see inside a small lil' teacup and a teapot next to him, and he hops over to you and he says—
- Magnus: [yells in surprise]
Griffin: He says,
- Teacup: [in a high pitched voice] Mama, mama, look! It’s a… it’s a human man!
[audience laughs]
Griffin: He says,
- Teacup: Let’s get ‘im!
Travis: I close the cabinet!
[audience laughs]
Griffin: Make a Dexterity saving throw.
Travis: Hoo boyy! Uhh, that’s a twelve.
Griffin: Uh, small teacup and the teapot next to him, you hear the teapot go,
- Teapot: [in a false Romanian accent] Yes, dear, let’s get him.
Griffin: And they smash themselves against the side of the cabinet, and just razor sharp porcelain comes spraying out at you.
[audience and Justin laugh]
Griffin: You take nineteen points of, uh, damage.
[audience and Justin laugh again]
Griffin: Merle, where do you wanna look? We have the, uh, the fridge, the freezer, the underneath cabinets, uh, the... liquor cabinet. I think that’s it.
Clint: [quiet and gleeful] Let’s do the liquor cabinet.
Griffin: Okay! You pull it open, there is no trap in there waiting for you, you do see some bottles of wine, and some bottles of booze. You do see one small strange crystal vial, sort of hidden, tucked away in the back, and as you pull it out, uh, you can sense— you’re a cleric. You know what this is. This is holy water.
Clint: Ch’yeah!
Griffin: And there’s a little post-it note on it that says [in Dracula’s voice] “Do not drink this.” [audience laughs] Uh, Taako.
Justin: Uh, where do I have left? I’ll check the fridge. I’m goin’ to the fridge. [Griffin: Okay!] Yes, check the fridge.
Griffin: You open up the fridge. There are no traps in there waiting for you, there’s just some… I mean… some blood. Uh, there’s also—
Travis: Is it loose?
Griffin: There’s also— Yes, just loose blood. Uh, and in the crisper, there’s a whole bulb o’ garlic!
Justin: Nice, I’ll put that in my pocket.
Griffin: Okay! Magnus— [laughing] you all are cleaning up this fuckin’ room.
Travis: Um, I’m gonna check the— what’s left?
Griffin: Underneath cabinets, cabinets, and freezer.
Travis: I’m gonna check that freezer.
Griffin: Uh, okay. You, uh, open up the freezer and [chuckling] make a Dexterity saving throw.
[audience laughs]
Travis: Damnit. [a pause] Nope.
Griffin: And some icicles shoot out of the freezer. I guess living icicles? And they’re like singing along the song? Like…
- Icicles: [to the tune of “Be Our Guest”] We’ve… we’ve got wine, we’ve got soup… have some chicken, have the coop!
Griffin: Um, and…
[audience cheers]
Clint: “Have the coop”?
Justin: It was good. That was good.
Travis: “Borrow my car!”
Griffin: You take 9 points of ice damage as these jab into you— but! As they enter your body, you see laying at the bottom of the freezer, the next key sphere.
Travis: [defeated] I pick it up.
Griffin: And... everything in this room just starts falling over. That spatula, uh—
Justin: [amused] It’s not instant, is it? It’s like, slow.
Griffin: It’s slow, it’s like— [Justin laughs] and the spatula doesn’t realize that all of his friends are— [crosstalk] falling down—
[Travis starts singing “Whatcha Say” by Jason Derulo]
Clint: [crosstalk] [getting gradually lower] “Be our gueeest...”
Griffin: He says,
- Spatula: [to the tune of “Be Our Guest”] Juicy fruits, and crispy pastries— hot and fresh, and soup— [he stops abruptly and there’s a beat]
[audience and Justin laugh]
Griffin: Falls over and dies.
Justin: They all die.
Griffin: Onto the laboratory! So fast! You enter the door marked “Laboratory”— Or laboratory. I don’t know what’s wrong with me— and step into a cramped, cold, and profoundly filthy chamber. There’s a flight of stairs leading down to the ground level of the laboratory, all over there are lab notes made unreadable by the passage of time and the spillage of various fluids. There is one container in this— there’s a bunch of broken beakers all over, there’s one container left intact, it’s, uh. ‘Nother potion.
Travis: Magnus just goes in and downs that.
Griffin: Okay! Uhh, I’ll tell you what happens, in a second. The largest feature in the room is a machine that takes up nearly the entire back wall, it’s about ten feet tall with two Tesla coils that emerge from its peak. There are large pipes and, uh—
Clint: Two ‘testicles’?
[audience laughs]
Griffin: Woof. There are large pipes and bundles of cables that form a labyrinthine tangle across this machine’s surface, and it ends at a console [Travis is containing his laughter in the background] at the center of the machine with a lever. [a beat] [laughing] It wasn’t that good.
Travis: It was pretty good.
Griffin: The, uh—
Clint: They come in pairs!
[audience laughs]
Griffin: Fair. The uh, this lever, either— it’s binary, it either points to the left or to the right. Right now it’s pointing to the left, and flanking this lever on both sides are two metal beds, both of which appear to be hosting a humanoid body covered in a large cloth. Waddaya do?
Travis: Drink the potion.
Griffin: Okay, you drink the potion? Uh, and... Merle and Taako, um… Magnus just seems to have more presence in the room than he did before.
Clint: He always gets the most presents.
Griffin: Um, not like that, he— he seems like… you wanna, like… you wanna talk to Magnus. You wanna see how Magnus is doin’. He just seems more— he seems more charming than he did before he drank the potion.
Travis: Impossible!
[audience laughs]
Griffin: What do you all do now?
Travis: I look— [stutters]— the bodies, are they, like, under sheets?
Griffin: Mhm.
Travis: [low] I’m lookin’ under those sheets.
Griffin: It’s a Frankenstein.
Travis: Oh, okay.
[audience laughs]
Justin: Which one’s the Frankenstein?
Griffin: Both.
Justin: Two Frankensteins?
Griffin: Can you even imagine!
[audience and Travis laugh]
Travis: You know what? Magnus sees the lever, he’s gonna pull it. [Griffin: Okay.] Switch the lever over.
Griffin: Nothing happens.
Justin: [groans in disappointment]
Travis: I’m charming, though.
Griffin: Yeah.
Justin: I— I— I, uh, ask Magnus, like,
- Taako: So, wh-what was the idea?
- Magnus: Well, there was a lever, so I pulled it.
- Taako: Oh. Alright. That’s cool, I just wanna keep talking to you.
- Merle: Hey, uh— [some crosstalk with Taako] [Taako: Yep.] Hey, uh, could I heal you? Would you let me heal you?
- Magnus: Uhh, so…
- Merle: Pleeease? Pleease? You’re so charming.
Travis: What is there other than the lever?
Griffin: Uhh, [Clint: I heal Magnus.] why don’t you make a roll— okay.
Justin: Not an action, you can’t just heal somebody, you gotta use a potion, or an item, or a spell, or…
Griffin: That’s what he’s doin’.
Clint: I did! Healing Word!
Travis: [crosstalk] What am I— am I investigating?
Clint: Wait a minute, am I not healing you?
Griffin: Yes, Merle, how much do you heal Magnus for?
Clint: You know. Um. [audience laughs] Do you have a d4?
Travis: I’m back to full!
Clint: Can I use your d4? [blows air into the mic] 1d4—
Travis: That’s four.
Clint: Four, plus my spell modifier.
Justin: He doesn’t know that.
Griffin: Uh, let’s say… yeah, that’s twelve points of damage you are healed for, Magnus.
Justin: [insincere] Good job, Dad.
Travis: Great.
Clint: You’re welcome!
Justin: [insincere] Good job. [audience cheers] I beg of you, don’t.
Clint: I finally do something cleric, and everybody [laughing] busts my ass!
Travis: I got a seventeen for Investigation.
Griffin: Uh, the machine’s unplugged.
[audience laughs]
Travis: I plug it in.
Griffin: Okay! As you plug it in, the machine comes to life. Your hair stands on end as electricity crackles between the two coils, passes through the circuitry and into the lever’s station, and into the bed on the right, where the lever is switched over to. And as it passes through, the Frankenstein under there sits up and says, uh,
- Frankenstein: [in a light, relaxed voice] Oh, hey!
[audience laughs]
- Magnus: Hello!
- Frankenstein: Hey, I’m Frankenstein.
- Magnus: Hi, friend.
- Frankenstein: A lot of people will say I’m Frankenstein’s monster, [Magnus: No.] but they’re pedants and j— kinda jerks.
[audience laughs]
- Magnus: I mean like, if I had a child, right? If I created life, [Frankenstein: Yeah.] it would be named after me, they wouldn’t say “That’s Magnus’s kid”.
- Frankenstein: Sure, sure, sure. Hey, you all wouldn’t happen to need the key sphere to go on with this job interview—
- Magnus: I would!
- Taako: Indeed!
- Frankenstein: Oh, that’s easy!
Griffin: And he pounds his fist against the bed he’s sitting on, and a compartment on the machine flips over, revealing a blue and a red button. And he says,
- Frankenstein: All you have to do is press that red button right there.
- Magnus: And what will that do?
- Frankenstein: It’ll give you the key sphere!
- Magnus: Well, hold on—
Clint: Merle casts Zone of Truth!
[audience cheers loudly]
Justin: Alright, I’ll give it up. I’ll give it up.
Griffin: Oh, I have to roll to save. [a pause] [quietly] I rolled a six.
Clint: [laughing] Nah, dudn’t do it.
Justin: Ya think.
Griffin: Okay. Yeah. He is bewitched.
- Magnus: So what happens when I press that button?
- Frankenstein: The red button?
- Magnus: Yeah.
- Frankenstein: It’ll give you the key sphere!
- Taako: What will the blue button do?
- Frankenstein: It’ll kill ya.
[audience laughs]
- Taako: What would the other Frankenstein tell us?
- Frankenstein: Well, my companion over there always lies— [crosstalk, Clint laughs] he’ll tell ya that the blue button—
- Magnus: [crosstalk] Oh, okay.
- Taako: [crosstalk] It’s kinda one of those— You know what, I’m gonna check his flavor real quick.
- Frankenstein: Okay.
Justin: [laughing] I’ll flip the lever to the other side.
- Frankenstein: No, that’ll kill me!
[audience laughs]
Griffin: The other Frankenstein sits up and says,
- Left Frankenstein: [sounding the same as the right Frankenstein] Oh, hey! I’m Frankenstein.
- Taako: Are you— Is it—
- Left Frankenstein: A lot of people say I’m Frankenstein’s monster—
- Magnus: [interrupting] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Taako: [laughing] Okay we get it.
Justin: Is this Frankenstein in the Zone as well?
Griffin: Uh, yeah.
- Taako: [holding back laughter] These button’s over here, what would the red one do?
- Left Frankenstein: Oh, the red one? It’s the key sphere one. I would’a told you it’s the blue one.
- Taako: [laughs] Okay!
Justin: [laughing] I slam the—
- Left Frankenstein: I’m the— No, listen! Listen, listen. [louder as Justin bursts into laughter] No, listen, listen, listen! [Travis: I flip—] Stop wait! [beat] I’m the liar Frankenstein.
[Justin bursts into laughter again, and so does the audience]
Justin: I hit the red button.
Griffin: Okay. You press the—
Travis: [laughing] I do switch it back over to the telling-the-truth Frankenstein—
- Left Frankenstein: No, that’ll kill me!
[laughter]
- Right Frankenstein: Hey, what’s up?
- Taako: [laughing] Heeey.
- Magnus: Hey, you wanna come with us? We’re putting together a team of monsters.
- Right Frankenstein: No, I’m-I’m good. Uh, actually—
- Magnus: If you get off the table do you die?
- Right Frankenstein: I don’t know, never tried it, uhh—
[Travis laughs]
Griffin: As you reach in and touch the red button, it just turns into the orb as you pull your hand backwards and the machine shuts down, and you have all three orbs. And we’re— [audience cheers] I didn’t really— [chuckling] I forgot about Zone of Truth a little bit.
Justin: I rush in there and put ‘em right in the gargoyle’s ass.
[audience laughs]
Griffin: [chuckling] Alright.
Travis: We all take turns putting it in the gargoyle’s ass.
Griffin: Cool, cool, cool! As you place the final orb into the gargoyle’s... ass, [rushing now] the ground beneath starts to rumble, the wings spread out, it turns into an elevator, it’s super cool! We’re so behind.
Clint: Twenty minutes ago this would’ve been described [crosstalk] in intricate detail.
Griffin: [crosstalk] Oh, so much description. The gargoyle had a whole thing. Um, and uh, it turns into an elevator that ascends, and you are passing through the castle quickly, now, going up this elevator shaft that cuts through the whole of the building, passing by alcoves and hallways and dungeons, and just, spooky... shit. Uh, but it ends as you reach the top of the castle, and you are in a large, rectangular room, it is lined to the left and right with these large, gothic, stained-glass windows depicting Dracula in various fashionable poses. [audience laughs] Several of these windows are covered in tattered, red curtains; at the back of this room is a dais with a wide, dark, wooden throne on top of it, with another red carpet running down the stairs right to your feet; behind the throne, against the far wall, are several large painted portraits of Dracula in which he’s— he’s just working it, he’s just smizing and tooching, and the whole deal. And as you lift up through the floor, you see Dracula seated on this wooden throne, about fifty feet away, and he says,
- Dracula: [from far away] Greetings!
- Magnus: [yelling] What?
- Dracula: [far away] Gree— Co— you have to come over here, th— [audience laughs] They made the room like, crazy big, I don’t know why.
Travis: We walk closer.
Justin: We approach Dracula.
- Dracula: [close now] That is better. [audience laughs] So what did you think of my presentation?
- Magnus: [stumbling] It was— I mean, it was—
- Taako: [“I don’t know” sound] Impactful.
- Magnus: Yeah.
- Taako: For sure.
- Dracula: Did you drink the potions?
- Taako: All of ‘em! [Magnus: Mhm, yeah.] For sure.
- Dracula: Um. So the powers they imbued you with, they are only temporary. But what if I told you they could become permanent? All you have to do is let me… sire you.
- Magnus: Excuse me?
- Dracula: Sire you. [slower] Sire you.
- Merle: Sire us?
- Magnus: You wanna make us vam-peer.
- Dracula: Uh, executives, yes.
- Merle: Wh-wha— which is it?
- Dracula: [a pause] Yes.
[audience laughs]
- Taako: You wanna turn us into businessmen vampires?
- Dracula: Yeaaas.
- Taako: [enthusiastically] Yeah!
[audience laughs]
- Magnus: Ah, wait. Hold on, Taako. [a beat] Do you really wanna have to go to meetings?
- Taako: [emphatically] No!
[audience laughs]
- Dracula: There will also be slaughter.
- Merle: [crosstalk] Of… us?
- Magnus: [crosstalk] That’s fine.
- Taako: [crosstalk] Okay, I’ll milk toast on that, [Dracula: Ok-ay!] but the meetings were— no thank you!
- Dracula: The process also does hurt a lot, but only for a little bit and then only just kinda of… a bit for… the rest of your… life.
- Taako: [groaning] Oh. This is sounding less appealing.
- Dracula: We have to tell you this stuff up front, we’ve gotten in some legal [crosstalk] trouble.
- Taako: [crosstalk] Figures.
- Magnus: [crosstalk] Yeah.
[audience laughs]
- Taako: What’s the cape situation?
Griffin: Huh?
- Taako: What about capes? Where do they fit in?
- Dracula: They’re a little plain, black leather dusters are hot now.
[Clint laughs]
- Magnus: Uh, I think… we’re gonna have to pass?
- Taako: Yeah.
- Magnus: Yeah.
- Taako: This has been great though, thank you so much.
- Magnus: [insincere] Yeah, totally chill, let’s hang again.
- Dracula: That is disappointing [Magnus: Yeah.] because it means we have to fight.
- Magnus: [crosstalk] Oh no!
- Dracula: [crosstalk] I know!
- Taako: [crosstalk] What!?
- Dracula: There’s one thing I have to do before the fight, hold on one second.
Griffin: He’s, like, come down to talk to you about this, and then he runs back up to his throne, and he pours himself a glass of wine, and he takes a swig and he shouts,
- Dracula: [yelling] What is a man?!
[audience cheers, Justin laughs]
- Dracula: [yelling] A miserable little pile of secrets. But enough, have at you!
Griffin: And he throws it to the ground. And then— then he kind of— sheepishly walks back down to the three of you and he says,
- Dracula: Okay, that— sorry, I have to do that every time, but, um. Where were we? Oh, yes, we were going to fight. It doesn’t seem quite fair though, three on one.
Griffin: And he gazes at the three of you. How many uh, potions did each of you drink?
Justin: One each, I think. Right? [Travis and Clint agree] Yeah.
Griffin: Okay, go ahead and roll a Wisdom saving throw.
[audience “ooh”s]
Justin: That’s a natural 20.
[audience cheers]
Clint: Natural 15.
Travis: I’m going to use—
Clint: +3, for 18.
Travis: I’m going to use Indomitable to roll again, can I do that?
Griffin: [crosstalk] No, come on!
Justin: [crosstalk] Come on! Let it be tense!
Travis: I rolled a 5.
Griffin: Okay. Magnus, this, like— this, like, uh, anger that you feel before a fight, this, like, energy that you use to psych yourself up to defeat your opponent at hand, you feel it shift away from Dracula. You actually feel it turning towards your companions.
Travis: Specifically Merle?
[audience laughs]
Griffin: Uh, both of them. And you actually, you feel yourself walking over to Dracula’s side, and you feel yourself draw your weapon as you face your former friends, and Dracula says,
- Dracula: Congratulations, Magnus! You’re hired!
{Intermission/Ad break 50:51-56:29}
Griffin: Hey, let’s roll initiative.
Justin: 14.
Griffin: Okay.
Clint: Um. 20.
Griffin: Oh, damn.
[audience cheers]
Travis: Well, he got a nat 20 plus a 2. So.
Griffin: Okay. What’d you get, Magnus?
Travis: I got a 19 plus a 2, a 21.
Griffin: Perfect!
Justin: Wow.
Griffin: Alright.
Justin: Lotta good— Burnin’ a lotta good rolls. [Griffin: Yep.] On initiative.
Griffin: Uh, alright, Merle, you are up first. You have [in Dracula voice] “Dra-coo-laa” and you also have Magnus facing you and Taako down. Whaddaya do?
Clint: Um. Boy. Okay, um, Merle casts… uh, Shield of Faith.
Griffin: Okay. On whom?
Clint: Um, [reading from the spell card] “It surrounds a creature of my choice.”
Griffin: Yeup, so. [crosstalk] Kinda the question I asked.
Justin: [crosstalk] Yep, tryina make that choice, homie.
Clint: Uh, Taako.
Griffin: Okay. Great.
Clint: Surrounds Taako and it adds +2 to AC for the duration.
Griffin: Awesome. Alright, you have +2 AC, Taako. You… are gonna need it, Magnus is up next.
[audience laughs]
Travis: Yee-up!
Griffin: Now Magnus, you feel compelled to attack your two compatriots. I’m not gonna tell you how to do it, but… don’t chicken out. But also. [laughing] Maybe don’t— [Clint: No! No-no!] Maybe don’t one-shot them with your…
Travis: I’m going to use my new found whip.
Griffin: Okay. I thought you were just gonna omni-slash Taako with the, uh, the Flaming Raging Poisoning Sword of Doom, [Travis laughs] and that would be a series wrap on Justin McElroy.
Travis: Um, and you told me backstage it was the same [crosstalk] stats as Railsplitter—
Griffin: [crosstalk] Yeah, same as Railsplitter, so d10, and the— plus your regular, uh, to attack roll.
Travis: Oh. Well, that’s a critical miss.
Griffin: [disbelieving] You’re kidding me! Confirmation.
Clint: [crosstalk] One.
Justin: [crosstalk] That is a one.
[audience cheers]
Griffin: Unbelievable.
Justin: He cannot hurt his friends!
Griffin: You…
Justin: His heart is true.
Griffin: Here’s what it is, you go like this to try to— but it’s like a whip and you aren’t like— you maybe haven’t used a whip, you’re maybe not proficient, this is the one thing you’re maybe not—
Clint: Oh! And it cuts your chin!
Griffin: Yeah. This is maybe the one thing— Oh god yeah, there’s that great YouTube video of the guy tryin’a do the whip that’s like 30 feet long, and it just destroys him because he doesn’t know— I think that’s what happens. And, uh, Taako, you are safe.
Clint: And you’re dead.
Griffin: Yeah. Are you gonna take any other actions, or…?
Travis: Yeah, I’m gonna do my second attack at Taako.
Griffin: Okay.
Justin: [flatly] Great.
Travis: Uh, that is a 9 +9, 18 versus AC.
Griffin: What’s your AC at now?
Justin: [laughs] 15.
[audience laughs]
Griffin: Plus? 2?
Justin: 15.
Griffin: H-oh shit, that’s bad. Okay.
Justin: Yeah, I’m a wizard.
Griffin: Yeah, d10 damage.
Travis: Uh, 4 plus 4— [crosstalk]
Justin: [crosstalk] — modifiers in there—
Travis: [crosstalk] — 4 plus 5 so that’s 9—
Justin: [crosstalk] — gotta get all of ‘em— yeah, every— get every juicy point.
Griffin: Nine. Nine points of damage. Now, Magnus, make a Wisdom saving throw, it’s going to be a tough one.
Travis: Uh, nope. Uh, 6—
Griffin: No, you are still enthralled. Taako, you’re up.
Travis: Plus 1.
[audience laughs]
Clint: You’re not quite as enthralled.
Griffin: Yeah, you’re still pretty enthralled.
Justin: Uhh buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-bahh… [laughs] Okay, here’s what I think Taako would probably do is he’s like,
- Taako: Don’t worry, guys, I’ve got this.
Justin: And he would pull out the bulb of garlic that he has [Griffin: Okay] and just throw it at [wheezing] Dracula.
[audience laughs]
Griffin: Roll—
Justin: And then he says— he says,
- Taako: I banish thee!
[Griffin and audience laugh]
- Taako: You have no sway here!
Griffin: Go ahead and uhh, roll a d20 for the garlic throw.
Justin: Uh, 17?
Griffin: Okay. Uh, with a 17—
Justin: Plus my garlic throwing.
Griffin: You get it in his open mouth. [Travis and audience laugh] He sees the garlic coming and is— he opens his mouth aghast [Travis gasps] like “What are you throwing?” It’s like a reflexive— something’s being thrown, he opens his mouth, it goes right in. And then he crunches down on it, and then crunches again and eats the whole bulb of garlic, and he says,
- Dracula: How do these rumors about my weaknesses get spread, [Justin: [exasperated] Okay! Alright!] I mean honestly! Jus— I am weak to garlic like someone might be weak to chocolate, I cannot help myself. [a pause as the audience laughs] Weak— “weak to running water”, I have a water slide into my infinity pool in the backyard! Honestly!
Griffin: He is undamaged by the garlic, and he’s up next. Uh, he is going tooo…
Clint: I thought you threw— you threw it at Dracula?
Griffin: [laughing] Not Magnus, enjoy Magnus! He shoots a fireball at Merle, that is 20? Versus AC? Yeah. Yes.
Clint: Hmm. [Griffin: Right?] Yes. Well—
Travis: Yeah, that’s 19, which is one lower than 20.
Griffin: Oh, that’s a bad roll, uh, that is just 8 points of fire damage. And then with his second action, he is going to try to toss Taako. Taako, we’re gonna have a Strength contest, roll a d20!
Justin: You’ve come to the right place. [audience laughs] I’ll be damned. That’s a nat 20.
Griffin: Hell yeah.
[audience cheers]
Justin: Alright.
Griffin: You also would have advantage on the roll [Justin: Wow.], but with that you uh, [Justin: Not needed.] he tires to grapple you and throw you across the room, but you kinda just grab his wrist and [chuckling] set yourself back down. Uh, Merle, you are back up.
Clint: Um, Merle casts Dispel Magic on Magnus.
Griffin: [intrigued] Hm!
[audience cheers, Justin sneezes in the background]
Griffin: What’s that do?
[an audience member shouts “Bless you!”]
Justin: Thank you.
Clint: Um, [reading from spell card] “Any spell of 3rd level or lower on the target ends.”
Griffin: [pause] Yeah, okay, Magnus, you snap out of your trance that you that you have been placed under because of your— [audience begins to cheer] potion drinking. [cheering ends] Uh, next is—
Travis: As soon as I snap out of it, I Sneak Attack Dracula.
Griffin: Okay! Sneak Attack Dracula?
Travis: Yeah, ‘cause he doesn’t know I’m out of it.
Griffin: [hesitant] Alright, I’ll give you that, what is— you’ve been rogue-trained for so long and I don’t know what the fuck Sneak Attack does.
Travis: Whoops! Flip, flip, flip, flip.
Griffin: I think it gives you advantaaage… ? [singing] Let’s look up Sneak Attack…
Travis: Yeah, uh, do-do-do [gibberish as he skims the description] “Once per turn, you can deal an extra 1d6 damage to any creature you hit with an attack if you have advantage on the attack roll…”
Griffin: Okay, I’ll give you advantage on this roll because you are getting the drop on ‘im.
Travis: “You must use a finesse or ranged weapon.” Is that the—
Griffin: Yeah.
Travis: — whip?
Griffin: The whip would be that.
Travis: Um, yeah, okay.
Griffin: Okay. Roll your Attack roll.
Travis: Uh, 13 plus 9?
Griffin: That is a hit. Roll d10 plus uh— roll a d10 and a d6 together.
Travis: Not great. But— so that’s… [someone in the audience shouts something] No, I mean it was high, [crosstalk] it was a 19.
Griffin: [crosstalk] Oh, you have advantage, you have advantage on the roll, okay.
Travis: Ooh, actually, that is a crit, Magnus crits on 19 and 20.
Griffin: Okay.
[audience cheers]
Griffin: So roll another d10 and uh, probably just the same d6.
Travis: Uh, so then, all together, we’re looking at… [huffs] Math. [audience laughs] Okay. So plus 5.
Griffin: The answer’s not gonna be on those papers, my friend. The answer’s in your mind.
Travis: [crosstalk] 7, 9… 10…
Clint: [crosstalk] It’s in your heart.
Griffin: [crosstalk] Unlock the secrets.
Travis: 4. So 14—
Justin: Can we get a white board out here?
Griffin: 14, it actually hits him for 28 points of damage. It— [audience cheers] It cuts him across his vest and as it does it leaves like a little trail of light around where you whipped him. And he looks, uh, he is shocked, first at your betrayal, then he’s disappointed in you. [audience laughs] And then he—
Travis: This is gonna come up at the quarterly review.
Griffin: Absolutely. Uh, next up is Taako!
Justin: Uhh, I, uh, I walk up to Dracula and I say,
- Taako: Hey, good news, I’ve decided to reconsider the job offer. And I still don’t wanna do it.
[audience laughs]
Justin: [laughing] And I c— I cast Sunburst.
[audience cheers]
Griffin: He again looks kind of disappointed, um, and then he waits for you to tell me what Sunburst does.
Justin: So “brilliant sunlight flashes in a 60 foot radius centered on a point I choose within range—” [a beat] His butt. [laughs] “Each creature in that light must make a Constitution saving throw. On a failed save, the creature takes 12d6 radiant damage—”
Griffin: Oh my god!
Justin: “— and is blinded for a minute.”
Griffin: Okay. You all are definitely in this zone, right, in the Sunburst Zone?
Justin: I— That was— did I not say that? I should have said that at the beginning. I get 60 feet away from Drac— 30 feet away from Dracula— [audience laughs] And then I—
Griffin: With-with your agility, [smiling] you can do that.
Clint: It was implied.
Justin: Implied that I would not wanna be... [Griffin: Sure—] you know, I’ve been in the game a while…
Griffin: But Magnus and Merle are definitely gonna be up ins… the Sunburst.
Justin: It’s— Listen, you can’t make a Dracul-omelette without— [Griffin laughs] et cetera, et cetera.
[audience laughs]
Griffin: [laughing] Breaking a few hero eggs.
Justin: Without breaking a few hero eggs.
Griffin: Alright, so uh, I’m rolling a Constitution saving throw?
Justin: Indeed.
Griffin: Uh, that is a… 16?
Justin: Ties.
Griffin: Tie goes to the— you, [crosstalk] yes, hitter.
Justin: [crosstalk] Great! Okay.
Griffin: So I’m gonna need you two to also make— also I’m pretty sure yours is higher than 16 isn’t it?
Justin: It’s 16, last I checked.
Griffin: Okay, uh, go ahead and roll a Constitution saving throw, Magnus and Merle.
Travis: I got an 18, 9 plus 9.
Clint: And I got a 19.
Griffin: Damn. Okay.
[audience cheers]
Clint: Plus 3. 22.
Justin: [in the background] 7, 13… 17...
Griffin: Do you want me to… do? Oh you’re just doin’ it.
Justin: Sstt-twenty one… 26.
Clint: [crosstalk] Carry the one… 18…
Justin: [laughs sarcastically] So funny, Mac. You’re so funny, everybody loves old Mac McElroy. 29, 33, 37.
Griffin: ...37… times 2… [Travis: 74.] 74— [sarcastic] thank you, audience!
[audience laughs]
Justin: Thanks for all the great d6s you have, Travis.
Travis: You’re welcome.
Justin: You have a lot of d6s.
Griffin: [crosstalk] Uhh, okay. Dracula says,
- Dracula: [sheepish] It’s a pretty good spell.
[Justin and audience laugh]
Griffin: Uh, he holds out a hand like this and a column of flame appears below each of you— rather, a circle of flame that— [whispering] shh, it’s about to turn into a column [hushed voice] if you don’t roll a good Dexterity saving throw and get off of it, Taako has advantage.
Justin: 7. [an audience member shouts something] Uh, it’s a—
Griffin: [laughing] Please stop yelling your suggestions, we got it. [crosstalk] Thank you.
Justin: [crosstalk] Please stop yelling.
Travis: [crosstalk] We got it.
Justin: Uhh. [sighs] Dang. I rolled three times now, and it’s like a 1, a 3, and a 7, [Griffin: [laughs] Okay.] I’m definitely— Doesn’t matter… [Griffin: Magnus—] I rolled too many times and it’s all bad.
Travis: Ye-up. I got a 7.
Clint: 18 +1, that’s 19.
[audience cheers]
Griffin: Alright!
Justin: Woaaah! [in the background] Yeah! [He highfives Clint]
Griffin: Merle just sort of, step— step school— step stool scuttles out of the way, and Taako and Magnus are not as lucky. They are both hit in this column of flame for 19 points of fire damage.
Travis: Okay.
Griffin: And then with his second action, uh, Dracula, who is getting a little bit worried, says, um,
- Dracula: Hey, where did you find that whip, I thought I put it in the furnace.
- Magnus: [stuttering] Yeah— the— oh, thi— what?
- Dracula: The whiiip-uh.
- Magnus: Yeah.
- Dracula: Where did you find it, I thought I put it—
- Magnus: In the fur— in the furnace.
- Dracula: That’s a pretty good whiiiip.
[Justin laughs]
- Magnus: Yeah.
Griffin: And then he turns into fog. And he flies backwards and disappears through one of the large portraits hanging on the room— on the far wall of the room.
- Magnus: ...We won!
[audience laughs]
- Taako: Congratulations, everybody!
- Merle: [sighs in relief]
Justin: Well, thanks for comin’, folks, it’s been a great time, thank you, we beat Dracula together, couldn’a done it without ya’.
Travis: Magnus runs and— and attempts to run through the painting that—
[audience laughs]
Justin: Yes. Yes, he does.
Griffin: Uh, you do, the wall is not there behind the painting, [Travis: Oh, thank god.] so you just smash— [laughing] you smash right through it.
Travis: [laughing] I wasn’t sure how that was gonna go.
[scattered audience laughter]
Griffin: Uh, do Merle and Taako follow in pursuit?
Clint: ...to run into the wall?
Travis: No, there was no wall!
Justin: [crosstalk] There’s no wall.
Griffin: [crosstalk] There’s a tunnel. Behind.
Clint: [breathy] Ohh.
Justin: [crosstalk] A tunnel, it’s a secret tunnel.
Clint: Yes.
Justin: Yes, following. Yes.
Griffin: Okay.
Clint: In pursuit.
Griffin: You all move through the tunnel behind the portrait, and uh, you make it to the other side and step foot into, again, this shower of grey light from the eclipse that is still hanging above. You’re in some kind of, like, observatory? You’re in this semi-circular room with a large plate-glass dome for its walls and ceiling. You are atop the castle here, overlooking the sea and cliffside hundreds of feet below. In the center of this room is a black coffin, propped up on a slanted table, flanked on both sides with urns full of wilted flowers. Right at your feet as you step inside the room are the bones of a long-dead adventurer. Their gear has long since been reduced to dust, save for one salvageable object: a long, wooden stake. Waddaya do?
[audience cheers]
Travis: I pick up the stake.
Griffin: ‘kay.
Travis: And I examine the construction to see how well it’s done— [audience laughs] Is it carved real nice?
Griffin: It could be sharper?
Travis: [confidently] I sharpen it.
Griffin: Okay.
Travis: Wai— hey! Time out! [clicks tongue, like the sound of carving wood]
- Magnus: Weather’s nice.
[audience laughs]
- Taako: Yeah.
Griffin: The stake is now sharper, I’ll find some mechanical [laughs] thing to do with that. You now have a sharper stake. [Justin laughs] Now what?
Travis: I assume, like— do we wanna do, like, the walk towards the coffin, like [deep and menacing] “Let’s finish this” kinda deal?
Justin: Yeah, I’ll sprinkle salt around the coffin. I’ve seen that in movies.
Griffin: Okay.
Travis: I’ll sprinkle pepper.
Griffin: Alright. [audience laughs] Just covering the bases.
Clint: I’ll sprinkle holy water on the stake.
Griffin: [intrigued] Oh, interesting.
[Travis and Justin “ooh” in sync]
Griffin: Okay. [audience cheers softly] Are you using all of it?
Clint: Nope.
Griffin: Okay.
Clint: [chuckling] No, no.
Griffin: Alright, [loudly] now this is a good stake, guys. [Justin: [laughs] Yeah.] You have made this stake very good. [Justin wheezes] You have buffed the shit out of this one... wooden stake.
Travis: Uh, I throw open that coffin ready to— to just jam it.
[Justin snorts into the mic]
Griffin: Uh, the lid creaks as you pull it back, revealing: nothing, the coffin is empty, and from a distance you hear a voice shout,
- Dracula: [far away] Now you’ve fucked up!
[audience laughs]
Griffin: Roll a Dexterity saving throw, all three of you.
Justin: Fuckin’ walked into that one. That’s a— a 10 for me.
Travis: A 7 for me.
Justin: [laughing] Can’t catch a fuckin’ break tonight!
Travis: I know. You know what, now I’m gonna use Indomitable, though, ‘cause like—
Griffin: No!— What does Indomitable do?
Travis: It lets me re-roll my saving throws.
Justin: Not fun. [Griffin: Okay.] Just take it.
Travis: [squealing in protest] Ah— you get to cast spells!
Justin: [crosstalk] Take your coffin damage!
Griffin: [crosstalk] No, roll your Indomitable. Go ahead.
Travis: Nope. [laughs]
[audience laughs]
Griffin: Okay. Merle? What’d you get?
Clint: Don’t I have advantage on Initiative rolls?
Griffin: This is not Initiative, it’s a Dexterity saving throw. It’s a— [the audience begins to laugh] don’t laugh at him, he’s doing his best!
[Justin laughs and the audience gets louder]
Travis: Taako, did you roll your— advantage?
Justin: [crosstalk] Yeah I did.
Clint: [crosstalk] How ‘bout a 6?
Griffin: [surprised] 6, Jesus Christ.
Justin: [hushed] Really beefing it...
Griffin: Another shadow appears above all of you, a figure blocks out the already-pretty-blocked-out sun, and this figure smashes through the plate-glass dome as he falls downwards, which explodes under the force of his dive. All three of you… aaaare… shredded, uhhh... [Travis: Yeup.] by shards [Travis: Oh.] … forrr… Oh, not really shredded, 17 points of slashing damage. [someone sighs deeply] And the walls of this room fall away, this dome is just gone, just sort of exposing you to the open air, and you take a look at Dracula, he is unrecognizable from what he was inside. He is just this big, muscle-y, blue monster with leathery wings and a beastly face with a mouth lined with these jagged, razor-sharp teeth. He also, I think, has like a slash across his chest from where you got him with that whip. Uh, and we’re back into the order, I forget who went laaast? I believe it was Taako because he made the sun explode and then Dracula went, Merle is up.
Clint: [sounding disappointed] Merle casts Prayer of Healing.
Griffin: Okay.
[audience begins to cheer]
Travis: Why—? Dad sounds defeated every time he has to heal somebody.
[Clint grunts]
Griffin: [crosstalk] What’s it do?
Clint: [crosstalk] It’s, uh, “Up to six creatures of my choice”, [Griffin: ‘kay.] so that would be us three.
- Dracula: [begging] Oh, come on.
Clint(/Merle?): And since it’s supposed to be—
- Dracula: [interrupting] No, let me get a little bit. Hey—
Clint: Wait a minute— !
- Dracula: No, let me up ons!
Clint: If you heal the undead—
[Travis laughs]
- Dracula: Ooh it’s worth a try, I think! [audience laughs] Ooh, maybe it’s a Final Fantasy Rules, [Travis: Yeahhh] I feel you! Hurt more— [mocking] it hurt me so bad, don’t do it, Merle! Oh, it hurt me so bad, the healing magic, I hate it! I am afraid of that.
Clint: Are we still in the Zone of Truth?
- Dracula: No, we’re far away from it.
[audience laughs]
Travis: [insistent] No.
Clint: [muffled] It might—!
Travis: [laughing] It wouldn’t!
Clint: [defeated] Alright, just on us three.
- Dracula: [disappointed] Aww. Where is your adventurous spirit, Merle?
Clint: 2d8 and it’s a 5... oh, do I roll it again, or I just double it?
Griffin: That’s what “two” means.
[audience laughs]
Clint: 9. Plus my spell ability modifier.
Travis: 8. +8.
Griffin: +8. Nuh— 17.
Clint: [crosstalk] 17, I heal you guys for 17.
Griffin: [crosstalk] You are healed for 17 points of damage.
Justin: Nice.
Griffin: Alright.
[audience cheers]
Griffin: Magnus, you are up.
Travis: Um, well. I’m going to whip him.
Griffin: Okay.
Travis: And whip him good.
Griffin: Sure.
Travis: Okay, so that’s a 19, and as we’ve determined, that’s a crittt.
Griffin: That is— oh shit. [audience cheers] Damn that’s a good ability.
Travis: Yeahhh, especially when I re-member it. Um, so that’s 3, plus 5, 8… uh, 15 points of damage?
Griffin: 30 points of damage. Uh, what’s this look like? Where you— where you whippin’ ‘im?
Travis: Uh, how big is he now?
Griffin: He’s much bigger than he was inside, he’s uh, he’s like… he’s close to eight feet tall at this point.
Travis: [softly] Alriiight. I’m whippin’— I’m goin’ for the neck.
Griffin: Alright. You whip his neck, he’s like,
- Dracula: [laughing] Oww, my neck. [audience laughs] You’ve whipped it…
Travis: Um— Ooh! You know what I’m gonna do, Griffin?
Griffin: What?
Travis: Gon’ take the Chance Lance…
Griffin: Ohh…
Travis: And I’m gonna tie the stake to the point with the whip…
Griffin: [as Dracula?] Interesting… [regular voice, laughing] So you’re combining three weapons—
[audience laughs]
Justin: So as part of— lemmie figure this in. As part of his turn—
Griffin: Yeah, that’s what I’m gonna say [crosstalk] is you can—
Justin: [crosstalk] So the camera turns to Magnus—
Travis: Okay—
Griffin: You can create this omni-weapon, [Travis: Right.] but it’s gonna be the rest of your turn.
Travis: Totally cool.
Griffin: Okay.
Travis: [crosstalk] And then I’m gonna Second Wind.
Griffin: You— you whip him acro— [crosstalk] you whip him across the chest, and then you say, “That was badass, hold on.”
[audience and Justin laugh]
[Clint briefly sings “Think!” by Merv Griffin from Jeopardy!]
Travis: And now I’m going to Second Wind and attack again.
Griffin: [exasperated] Oh my god.
[audience cheers]
Travis: [crosstalk] And I haven’t even—
Clint: [crosstalk] I thought you had ‘im for a second.
Travis: I haven’t even Action Surged yet. So I’m gonna throw… gon’ throw…
Griffin: Okay.
Travis: [proudly] My beautiful, beautiful spear son…
[audience laughs]
Griffin: [laughing] Okay.
Travis: [shouting] At his heart!
- Magnus: [still shouting] Have at thee, you devil!
Travis: That’s a 7.
[audience and Justin laughs]
Travis: Plus 10, 17.
Griffin: That is a miss.
Travis: And then I’m going to use [crosstalk] Precision Strike.
Griffin: [crosstalk] No, it goes— it goes fucking flying, way past him.
Travis: Precision Strike, hold on— ! Oh, and then add an 8 to that.
Griffin: Uh, that does hit.
Travis: 25.
Griffin: Okay.
Travis: That’s Precision Strike.
Griffin: Okay.
[audience cheers]
Travis: So now do I do damage with all three, or—?
Griffin: No, I think you would only do it with the stake, which I’m gonna say, uh, is— because you like did some good shit to it, is, uh, 2d10. Uhh, radiant damage.
Travis: That’s 9 plus 5, 14, 19 points of damage.
Griffin: 38 points of damage, um—
[audience cheers]
Travis: Wow.
Griffin: Just gets ‘im— gets ‘im in the gut. It gets him right in his leathery gut, and he says— he— I don’t think he says anything, I think the sort of jovial Dracula is gone, and he’s starting to turn more monstrous, and just— fuckin’ scary… [audience laughs] at this point. Uh, and yeah. Who’s up next?
Travis: Oh, and I recall the Lance.
Griffin: Okay, it comes out of the— [laughs]
- Dracula: So thank you for that, it would hurt a lot inside me.
Griffin: Uhh, Taako, you’re up next.
Justin: Umm… Okay— ehh. Yeah, I think this’ll work. Uh, I’m gonna activate— okay.
Griffin: [fearful of Justin’s famous campaign-ruining moves] Oh shit.
Justin: I have my, um— yes, this will work. I, um— I’ve got my transmuter stone, I haven’t activated it yet, which I can use once.
Griffin: Sure.
Justin: And I’m gonna use Panacea. Uh, “It removes all curses, diseases, and poisons affecting a creature that I touch with the transmuter stone.” And I’m gonna use it on Dracula.
[audience laughs/cheers]
Justin: I’m not— I’m not— I don’t know… this is your world. And I don’t know how vamp— the rules of vampires, but I feel like Taako would try this, because of the nature of vampirism, he is not… very familiar with, [Griffin: Sure.] so he would give it a shot.
Griffin: Why don’t we… roll for it. I could roll like a saving throw, I think it’s more exciting if you roll, like a— a— use your spell casting modifier, there’s like a magic effect you are trying to do on Dracula. [Justin: Okay.] ‘Cause in order— for me to just say [laughing] “you touch this dude with a stone and now he’s not Dracula anymore” [audience laughs] is a lot.
Justin: Okay, it’s a lot. I grant you. It’s a… I rolled a 12.
Griffin: Plus your magic?
Justin: Well, my— I mean, my—
Griffin: Your spell casting modifier.
Clint: Don’t you know it?
[audience laughs]
Justin: Oh, here we go. We got 17.
[pause]
Griffin: I’m gonna roll now… a Constitution— if it’s like a curse or a disease it’s decided by— that’s what he’s gonna have to save against is a 17.
Justin: Fair.
[pause]
Griffin: [meekly] That’s a 13.
[audience cheers]
Griffin: [resigned] Alright! [audience laughs] You touch him with the stone… describe this scene for me, Justin, you’re… you are… you are undoing Dracula, I just— I think this is your moment to take the camera and tell us what happens.
Justin: I mean, I have the stone, I already came up with a good idea, I don’t know why I have to write— [Clint laughs] a soliloquy about it. I run up, and I could probably reach his, like, knee-cap at this point, right?
Griffin: Okay.
Justin: And I just like, slap this rock on his knee-cap!
[audience laughs]
Griffin: Uh, you slap the rock on his knee-cap and, uh, his wings just go flying off of his body [audience laughs] like nerf darts, they just like pop off of him. Uh, and… [breath-laughs into the mic] [audience laughs]
Travis: He turns back into Derek Reginald Acula.
Griffin: Yeah. [Justin and audience laugh] And he says,
- Dracula: What are you doing with a ro— aahhh!!!
Griffin: And as his— the holes where his wings used to be just bats start flying out of him? Just like this spray of bats, and his form is shrinking back down, back to the, uh, sort of person-shape that you fought indoors. Uh, and he crumples to the ground, and then he looks up at the three of you, and he says,
- Dracula: Well… [Travis snorts loudly] looks like I’ve come to the end of my rainbowww. I, uh… [Travis laughs] This is embarrassing. I had a fun time when I was being Dracula, um.
- Magnus: Do you regret any of it?
- Dracula: Oh yes, I mean now that you have restored my soul [laughing] the guilt I feel is immeasurable.
[audience laughs]
- Magnus: You know, we work with an organization, you could come… work with us and maybe... do some good in the world.
[audience cheers]
- Merle: With your corporate building expertise… ?
- Magnus: [crosstalk] [enthusiastically] Yeahh.
Griffin: [crosstalk] He says,
- Dracula: [despondent] I don’t— I don’t know, I don’t have any powers or anything…
- Magnus: [offended] Hey…
- Taako: Well, no, no hear us out, we’ve been looking for somebody to run HR… [audience laughs] the last guy was named Brad, and he was, if you’ll pardon the expression, the pits. [audience laughs] And, uh, we’d love to get’cha on the team! We could pull a few strings, no problem!
- Dracula: That sounds— that sounds excellent, let’s— let’s— I’ll start filing out— filling out the paperwork [Magnus: Yeah—] and something—
- Magnus: [laughing] There’s some training videos you’ll have to watch.
- Dracula: The on— the only like, thing is that now I am not… Draculaaa anymore, I’ve lost my control over my castle.
- Magnus: [groaning] Oooh.
Griffin: And sure enough it is starting to disappear beneath your feet.
- Magnus: Aww, let’s beat cheeks!
Griffin: Uhh, okay, which—
- Taako: Get on my back, Dracula!
Griffin: [laughing] Dracula grabs onto your back,
- Dracula: Okay, what does this accomplish?
- Taako: [laughing] We can go faster now.
- Dracula: I used to be able to fly like a bat, but now I seem to not have that ability anymore, because of your weird rock.
Justin: And I say,
- Taako: Leap from my back to Magnus’s back, Dracula, I didn’t think through it.
Griffin: [laughs] He leaps to Magnus’s back, the castle disappears some more.
- Magnus: Now let’s run!
Griffin: Uh, okay, which way are you running?
Travis: Out!
Justin: Out!
Griffin: Back towards the elevator—
Travis: Entrance.
Griffin: Okay.
Justin: Yeah, back towards the entrance.
Griffin: Alright, you run back towards the entrance. Uh, make a— make an Athletics check, all of you. Dracula is not going to roll, he is on Magnus’s back.
Justin: 20! [chuckles]
Travis: I am retiring this dice. Um, mine is— [mumbling] well, let me see what my thing is, ‘cause it’s good— oh, it’s over there. [normal voice] Uh, 15.
Griffin: Okay. Merle?
Clint: [very quietly] 2.
[audience laughs]
- Magnus: [yelling] Bye Merle!!
Griffin: Magnus and Taako, you all make it to the elevator, and start heading down as the observatory you were just in vanishes. And as you’re going down the elevator, you see Merle… [audience laughs] pshhew, just fall right past you. What—
Travis: I whip him.
Griffin: You whip him?
Travis: I’m gonna catch him with the whip.
Clint: Hey— you don’t need to! [pause] He has a flying broom.
Griffin: He does.
[audience cheers]
Travis: [crosstalk] Alright. Fine.
Clint: [crosstalk] He whips out the Womb Broom—
Griffin: Not the Womb Broom— [crosstalk] what did you just say?
Clint: [crosstalk] The Vroom Broom!
Travis: [enunciating] Vroom. Broom.
Justin: [crosstalk] [enunciating] Vroom. Vroom.
Clint: [crosstalk] I was speaking like Dracula! The Vroom Broom— [Griffin: ‘Kay.] And yells the phra— uh, “Hang ten”!
Griffin: Alright.
[audience cheers]
Travis: I still whip him.
Griffin: Okay. [laughs]
[audience laughs]
Clint: I deserve that.
Griffin: Uh, you all on your various forms of transportation make it outside of the castle back onto the cliff’s edge as the eclipse— as the moon finally passes beyond the sun and the sun’s rays start glistening down off the gentle waves of the Trackless Sea below. And the castle slowly fades from view. And Dracula looks kinda bummed out, he’s lived there for quite some time.
Travis: Yeah, did he grab like his box full of like important documents?
- Dracula: [yelling] My important documents!!
[audience laughs]
Griffin: And you just see this box just [high pitched, gradually getting lower] peeeeeewwww [Travis laughs] splash.
Travis: [as Dracula] The pictures of my kids!
[audience “ooh”s]
Griffin: And he says, uh—
Travis: [about the audience’s reaction] Yeeah, it got real. [audience laughs] You were worried about Dracula’s kids.
Griffin: He says,
- Dracula: Well, it’s, uh… do one of you have a place I can crash?
- Magnus: [sucks air through his teeth and groans hesitantly]
- Merle: [groans]
- Taako: Yeah, we, uh. We live on the moon, you can just come… stay with us! There’s plenty of room!
- Dracula: Sounds good, can I invite my friend the Wolf-Man? Oh, it’s joke! It’s a joke, [laughing] I don’t know the Wolf-Man!
- Magnus: [laughing] Oh no, what happened to the truth-telling Frankenstein!
- Dracula: Oh no—!
Griffin: You see them both—
- Frankensteins: Woaaah!!
[audience laughs]
Justin: One of them says, “We’re fucked!”, the other one says, “No we’re not!”
[Clint, Travis and Justin laugh]
Griffin: The four of you take a look at one another, exhausted. You have saved the world once again, in the span of just a couple of hours it’s starting to get kind of old hat, the treasures and the monsters and the injuries— especially the injuries— uh, in fact— Magnus, you, uh, you notice a wound on, like, Taako, just from like the damage from the battle that’s still fresh and, like, bleeding, and there’s something about it that just looks… so deliciousss…
[audience clamors]
Griffin: [in a spooky voice] Happy Halloween!!
[audience cheers]
Griffin: That’s the episode, thank you all so much for coming! This was so much fun, thank you all!
[THEME MUSIC: “Déjà Vu” by Mort Garson (full song on YouTube)]