Transcript by the lovely volunteers at TAZscripts.
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[Theme music (The Adventure Zone: Commitment Theme by Griffin McElroy) plays]
Clint: Alright, to kinda just reset the scene a little bit, you are in this debriefing room in the security branch of the Berg. Also in this room, lounging in a very large, I dunno, throne-like looking chair, is a man who just identified himself as Richard, the king of the USA.
Griffin: I think he said “I’m the fucking king of the USA”. [Clint: [crosstalk] The fucking king.] And that cuss? Should’ve been–
Travis: Hardcore.
Justin: So unnecessary.
Clint: The fucking king of the USA, baby.
Travis: Maybe he said he’s the fuck king of the USA. [laughter]
Justin: Possibly.
Travis: That’s what it says on my license plate!
Clint: I dunno.
Griffin: Um. I think Remy pretty much reflectively responds,
- Remy: [disbelieving tone] Nooo you’re noooot.
- Richard: Yeah? I understand listen, hey, look. This is a wild concept. But lemme tell ya ma’ story, and.. and then we’ll chat! We’ll have a confab–
- Nadiya: No…
Travis: And Nadiya turns to walk out.
- Richard: Wait! Hold on, I think you’ll find this interesting. And this is gonna impact everything that comes after this. Okay so we’re gonna start off with a little history lesson, okay? By the way, I got croute up here, I got sparkling water, there’s some shrimps if you guys want to munch on something while we–[crosstalk]
Griffin: I already have a mouthful of shrimp and I say,
- Remy: [muffled] What’s croute?
- Kardala: I too will eat your shrimp.
- Richard: Yeah I asked for stromboli but apparently we’re out. I don’t know what’s the deal there.
- Kardala: Yes, I claim the stromboli.
- Richard: Okay so, go back in history a little bit. King George the Third, King of England, did’cha know his reign as king was longer than any other monarch before or since in England, sixty years and he was a fighter! He fought lots of wars, he fought in Europe, in Africa and Asia — well, he dispatched armies — but like any good fighter he knew when he was beaten, and in the fall of 1781 he got— he figured it out. He knew he was not going to be able to win
- Remy: Hell yeah
- Richard: against the American colony.
- Remy: America baby, we did it!
- Richard: Well it was too expensive! I mean, financially and his reputation, y’know— for five years he couldn’t beat a bunch of scrowdy row farmers in a war? Y’know, other colonies were talkin’ about it, the other crown heads of Europe were talkin’ about it, so Georgie Three was y’know, lookin’ bad to France, to Spain, to all his country club buddies, all the hoi polloi. So King George the Third decided he’d make a last ditch, hail Mary play to hold onto his rep. He realised he was probably gonna take a check in the loss column, but maybe he could put an asterisk next to it.
- Richard:August 12th, 1781, he signed a royal decree naming a regent over the Americas, basically named a king to rule. But he did this in secrecy, and in secrecy, he had that decree immediately dispatched to America on his fastest ship. But don’t matter how fast your ship is, the Atlantic Ocean? Not a good collaborator. So it didn’t show up until October 26th, that was one week after General Cornwallis surrendered to George Washington in Yorktown! Which basically made the American colonies a free state— but not really.
- Remy: Should I be taking notes on all this?
- Richard: Oh no no no no no, noooo, just let it work on you, let the story wash over ya,
- Remy: Okay.
- Richard: ‘kay. Now, people forget, it was almost a year of negotiations with England! Negotiating the peace! And those negotiations were headed up by the very man who was in fact, the new king of this country. And that is Ben Franklin. Ben Franklin was named the king of the colonies. And it makes sense, for most of his life, Ben really considered himself to be an Englishman. As a matter of fact for like, ten years he was in England and before the war started he argued for colonial independence, so he was loved in all of Europe.
Travis: Uh, side note, Clinton. This is Travis speaking, not Nadiya. How much of this is real to actual historical fact, and how much is Dad’s game bullshit.
Clint: Well, the royal decree is, could have happened.
Travis: Ahhh, right.
Griffin: Ah right, hey, second question follow up— are you uhhhh… Illuminati? Maybe? A little bit?
Justin: Just, you will have to tell us if you’re Illuminati.
Griffin: You legally have to tell us.
Travis: You mean dad, or the character?
Justin: I think dad.
Griffin: Uh right now, dad.
Justin: Yeah right now dad. Dad?
Clint: I’m really not allowed to tell you if I’m Illuminati, boys.
Travis: Ah right. Okay.
Justin: And that’s a confirmation. [Griffin wheezes]
- Richard: Alright and so, when the document finally got to Ben, he was torn, didn’t know what to do. Uh but he really thought that this young country would have a better chance of survival as a democracy so he never told his wife. And he never told his son William. He was a bastard by the way, don’t know if you knew that or not.
- Nadiya: Hey that’s not very nice.
- Remy: Yeah that’s kinda mean. He’s a kid.
- Richard: But Ben did tell his grandson, Temple was his name. Also a bastard. Y’know, Game of Thrones didn’t invent this shit. It was Temple who kept all of this going. And down through the ages, it passed from grandparent, to grandchild. And that was the legacy of the King of the USA. With a bloodline leading all the way to—
- Remy: Dick.
[brief pause]
- Richard: To Dick!
- Nadiya: To King Dick.
- Richard: King Dick! I love that! Don’t you? Don’t you love that? King Dick the Third?
- Remy: I don’t think I can overstate how much I don’t love it. I— I— this is, this is great, and all, very National Treasure Book of Secrets 2, I just— it doesn’t confer any special powers right?
Justin(?): Yeah it’s not really how it works, like, at all.
- Nadiya: I’m queen of Belgium, like, it— it doesn’t—
- Remy: One time I was—
- Nadiya: Once everybody kind of agrees on it, it’s…
- Remy: One time in middle school I won the state spelling bee and I got a sash that said ‘Best Speller in the State’ on it, but I don’t— I’m not still the best speller in the state and it didn’t give me any sort of like, control of an army, y’know what I mean? It’s just a title.
- Richard: Oh no yeah, it’s a title but that’s what my family has done, down through the generations.
- Kardala: Irene’s grandmother once gave her a star. She did not claim the star. She never visited her star. It’s like that, yes.
- Remy: It’s a lot— yes it’s a great example.
- Richard: Yeah, those are great points. But the key is the Do-Good Fellowship has been doing great things for hundreds of years. And it’s an example of what can be accomplished under, well, basically my leadership. Let me give you an example, I understand your concerns, I understand your fears, but I, and my descendants before me, we really believe in this. We’ve made all this money— y’know, Ben didn’t believe in patents. He said that if you invented something then it’d be shared with everybody. Temple didn’t agree with that. And so, he has a reign— he arranged things, and all through history, that’s what my family has been doing. Do you know that Ben was the first US Postmaster?
- Remy: Yes
- Richard:Postmaster General of the United States.
- Remy: [crosstalk] I did know that
- Richard:The first one.
- Nadiya: Yeah, even Remy knows that.
- Remy: Yeah I knew that.
- Richard: And it was— but what you didn’t know is—
- Remy: Is he’s the secret king of America.
- Richard: As a reward to Ben Franklin and his descendants, it was decided that a tenth of every penny of every stamp minted would go to the Franklin family.
- Nadiya: How did they cut that up, I mean—
- Remy: Yeah, how are you going to spend a little sliver of metal—
- Nadiya: Just this little wedge of a penny—
- Richard: Savings. Oh! Oh you’re taking me literally, I understand.
- Nadiya: Yeah it was a joke. I don’t know if that— was that clear?
- Remy: Yeah we do jokes here.
- Richard: We invented bitcoin too, so.
- Remy: Are you asking us to be subjects to your secret monarchy? Is that the sort of, tldr here?
- Richard: I’m glad you called the question. Tonight is my first big step towards assuming the throne. I would like you guys to be on my side in this. You’ve seen what we can do, you’ve seen what the Do-Good Fellowship can accomplish, you see the technical breakthroughs we’ve come up with, and everything else, and… I would like to know if you guys are with me, or against me.
- Remy: If we choose the latter are you going to— is it gonna turn into this sort of a kill-on-sight situation in here or what’s the deal there.
- Richard: Oh! No!
- Remy: Richard…
- Richard: If you decide— No! If you decide that you don’t want to do it, we call a deal a deal, you go see Mr Garfield in the finance department [someone snickers], you get your last pay checks, and it’s, thanks!
- Nadiya: Um
- Richard: Listen, listen! This is not a military coup, this is not a revolution or anything like that—
Clint: Just then there’s a voice that you hear behind you in the room.
- Unknown person: Alecksa. Play ‘Royal playlist M’.
Clint: And Tears for Fears’ “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” starts to play.
- Remy: It’s a good jam. A little on the nose.
Clint: Richard says,
- Richard: Damn you do love that song, my love. Oh, by the way guys I think you’ve met the royal consort, Martine?
Clint: And Martine walks into the room, and stands next to Richard.
- Remy: Is Martine the one that threatened us with a gun while we were getting our spray tan?
- Martine: I was just doing my job, fellas, head of security, you know that.
- Nadiya: Oh the one I— I’ve hit, with like a cinderblock or a hammer—
- Remy: Do you mind? Can we— we’re kind of a package deal I guess, do you mind if we confer for a little bit?
- Richard: Oh absolutely, this is what it all comes down to. The time has come for you… to show your commitment. The greatest president— although I’m not really that big a fan of the title— John Adams said, “There are only two creatures of value on the face of the Earth, those with the commitment, and those who require the commitment of others.” You know, we’re talking like commitment to a friend, commitment to a lover, commitment to a family, commitment to an organisation, to a government, to an ideology… I just want to know if you three — Remy, Nadiya, Kardala, Irene if you’re in there — If you are committed… to me! I’m gonna leave you guys alone, Martine and I are gonna leave you alone, let you talk about it a little bit. When you’ve made up your minds, just tell Alecksa, and she’ll give you instructions.
- Remy: D’you—
- Richard: I gotta go, Martine and I gotta get ready. Okie dokies?
- Remy: Sounds good, thanks,
- Nadiya: [crosstalk] Great, great, great
- Remy: thanks a lot. Mmhmm.
- Richard: Alright, you guys.
- Nadiya: Bye!
- Remy: Yeah have a good one!
- Kardala: Bye weirdos!
- Remy: See ya, okay, yeah bye byebye bye.
Clint: And they walk out the door.
- Remy: [urgently] Okay hey we need to get the fuck out of here right.
- Nadiya: Yeah, yeah.
- Kardala: It would seem, yes.
- Remy: Okay cause w-what do you say to um, all of that, great, but secret king of America I don’t— this guy seems pretty dangerous.
- Nadiya: Okay listen it’s not that I super, duper love our current government, or—
- Remy: No it’s whack.
- Nadiya:with governments in general, but as soon as someone starts talking about like, I’m the secret king of America and ascend the throne or whatever, it starts to kind of cross outside the realm of y’know, normalcy and logic and into the realm of okay, bye!
- Remy: Also, Martine did threaten us with guns when we didn’t really do anything.
- Nadiya: Yeah yeah yeah yeah
- Remy: So I’m worried about what sort of— where they—
- Nadiya: I mean she’d fit in well leading America right now but.
- Remy: [despondently] Sure. Uh, Kardala, how’re you feeling.
- Kardala: Kardala serves no man.
- Remy: Yeah.
- Kardala:This should not come as a surprise.
- Remy: And it doesn’t.
- Nadiya: Yeah yeah that’s fine.
- Kardala: I serve no one. But —
- Nadiya: The rhythm.
[sputtering and laughter]
- Kardala: Kardala, and Irene, we are bound. Kardala serves no one, but I am bound to you two. I care not for the king. I care not for the president. I care not for anything other than you two because we are bound and without you, I am forced back into the intolerable prison of Irene, which is a fate I shall not pursue. You have my support.
- Nadiya: You old softie.
- Kardala: It is not, I should make clear, an emotional decision for me.
- Remy: Fantastic.
- Kardala: If the two of you were to die and be replaced by others in different shapes and personages and personalities, and different looks and different everything, Kardala would still feel the same. I still—
- Remy: [crosstalk] No no no, yeah—
- Nadiya: [crosstalk] No no no, we get it.
- Remy: We’re still workin’ on this thing.
- Kardala: If you do die, is there a plan to replace you as soon as humanly possible? [someone holding back laughter in the background] This is my worry. If we lose this ‘Do-Good Fellowship’, and one of you two were to die and I would be, of course, inextricably locked in the prison of Irene, never to return,
- Remy: Right. Right.
- Kardala: that would be a problem for me.
- Remy: Sure.
- Nadiya: Yes.
- Remy: I mean Kardala brings a good point, if we take off we might lose these powers? I’m not exactly sure how this works.
- Nadiya: If I may. Let us approach this logically. If we leave, we abandon all influence of the situation. If we remain, and say yes, we are not bound by law to do anything.
- Remy: Oh hell yeah dude sedition time! Is that what you’re—
- Nadiya: That’s exactly what I’m saying. We could do more from the inside than the outside.
- Remy: Oh once— hey hold on one second. Alecksa?
- Alecksa: Yes?
- Remy: You’re not like recording all this, are you?
- Alecksa: I don’t know, maybe? [crosstalk] You don’t know how I work—
- Nadiya: [crosstalk] Okay delete the last—
Griffin: Um. I go over and unplug the Alecksa machine, if there is one.
[Clint laughing]
- Kardala: Wait. Plug it back in for a moment.
Griffin: Okay I plug it back in.
- Kardala: We were just kidding. Ha! Another fine joke from you two. I can’t wait to serve… this… great king.
- Remy: Yes. Very powerful and just.
- Nadiya: Ha ha ha.
Griffin: Okay so Alecksa— I’m just gonna unplug it.
- Kardala: Did you see? Subterfuge!
- Nadiya: Yeah you did great.
- Remy: That was very good, you’re the royal spies! Let’s… I guess tell them that we’re in?
- Kardala: You get me? I didn’t mean it!
- Remy: Yes
- Nadiya: Uh huh.
- Kardala: We won’t serve the king, you see. It was a joke! A joke I played on the robot.
[Clint snickering in the background]
- Nadiya: Yup.
- Remy: Alright. So. Let’s. It might get tough. Like, we don’t really know what we’re going up against, and to be frank I don’t really know why I’m going up against this, it’s just sort of like this—[crosstalk] gut feeling, and—
- Nadiya: [crosstalk] Well, let’s take stock, alright? You have like, you can jump real good, and punch real good.
- Remy: Mm.
- Nadiya: I can turn my body into weapons, and Kardala is a god.
- Kardala: Thank you.
- Nadiya: So I think we’re cool.
- Remy: Alright.
Griffin: Uh, I plug Alecksa back in.
- Remy: Uh Alecksa, we’re down to clown.
- Alecksa: Step out into the lobby, and follow the 24 question mark logo.
- Nadiya: [muttering] Oh god.
- Remy: Alright.
{16:44}
Clint: So you step out into the hallway and there is a big, projected 24 question mark logo, and it leads you down the hallway. It leads you from the security wing into the very central hub of, of the Berg. Um, you have not been in this particular area before. It’s a very large chamber. It’s a large chamber that is similar to the installation room you were in before, in the fact that it’s cut in half by a very large glass wall with a door in the middle of it. In the far side is a raised platform, a big square platform in the far side, in the far half, with a 24 question mark logo on it, and on this side of the door, you have three of your friends— well, co-workers that you remember from the mixer. Sylvane, the security guy who is carrying two very large knives. [crosstalk] Also—
Griffin: [crosstalk] Great.
Travis: [crosstalk] Is that his superpower, he can have two knives?
Griffin: Knife-haver.
Clint: You will find out soon, ho— well, maybe not. Maybe you won’t find out soon. Uh, another male, Lid, and, uh, Jaime, who you’ve also met. And they’re all geared up in their vests, and ready to go. But in front of them, between you and them, stands Richard. King Dick wannabe. Smiling, his arms spread wide, and he says,
- Richard: Alright, my friends, have you made your decisions?
- Kardala: Yes! We’re very excited to serve you, a real king.
[Griffin laughs a little]
- Richard: Excellent! What about you guys?
- Kardala: It may seem
- Nadiya: Oh, god.
- Kardala: like we are too excited.
- Nadiya: [crosstalk] Yup! Yup, yup, yup, yup, we are in.
- Remy: [crosstalk] Yes, yes, super excited, super excited.
- Nadiya: [crosstalk] We are in. Super in. To-totally.
- Richard: Well, I want to make sure—
- Remy: [crosstalk, interrupting] Ah, ah, ah— My liege.
- Richard: [thrilled laughter] Ah ha ha ha, I love it! So all three of you are in?
- Kardala: We had no hesitation, [more laughter in background] so glorious was your vision. We are— we are so excited to serve you, a real king.
- Richard: That is what I—
- Nadiya: Yep.
- Richard: I— see, I told you, this is gonna work. I told ya!
Clint: And he’s calling back through the open door to Martine, who’s standing there,
- Richard: I told you this was gonna work, I told you they’d be on board. Excellent. Ok. We’re about ready to get started. Um, I tell you what, since you’re the most fervent and the most excited, Kardala, I want you to come with me and help me out with the next phase of this plan. And you, you guys, y’know just, Nadiya, Remy just chill out here for a while with uh, your buddies, with Lid and them. Kardala would you come with me? Just into the- into the next half of the room?
- Kardala: No, my king! No! [Clint laughs] Thank you for your kind guidance, my king!
- Richard: Well I could really use your help, and as your king, I’m kinda making it a royal decree.
Travis: Nadiya just makes eye contact with Kardala and like, kinda nods a little bit, like, nnngh just, go.
- Remy: Hey my liege this is-- and I’m-- your royal authority is just beautiful, and uh, the chosen one and all that, but it does feel a little-- it’s-- there’s a bit of like a sort of a trap vibe...? If I’m being totally honest and like to-- we said we’re down, I don’t really know… why [crosstalk] we’re in this situation–
- Richard: [crosstalk] I understand, no no no no– [crosstalk]
Travis: [crosstalk] Uh, Nadiya turns both of her hands into blades and points them at Kardala and [Griffin: Woah] uh, and Remy and says,
- Nadiya: How dare you question the king!
- Kardala: Yes, you are right, I do love the king, and everything he says is… so grand. And I will come with him, I just need… these two to come with me. I’m like, their king. Uh, I--
- Remy: A sub-king [crosstalk] situation.
- Kardala: [crosstalk] You’re my king, and I’m sort of their king. I think-- If I understand [crosstalk] the relationship.
- Richard: [crosstalk] That’s cool, that’s fine! That’s-- you know what, let’s all go into the the other half.
- Kardala: Yes.
- Richard:Everybody, come on, everybody come in there, I want you to see what’s up, because… I think you still aren’t completely convinced. I know you’ve agreed to be on my side, so let me tell you what’s going on. Like I said, there’s no-- there’s no coup, there’s no blood, this is gonna play out in the court of public opinion. I am going to debate, and everybody in the country is gonna watch. I’m just gonna lay my case out there, get the public behind me like I convinced you three…
- Remy: Mmhmm.
- Nadiya: Yes.
- Richard: Not attacking anybody, not hurtin’ anybody,
- Remy: Uhm.
- Richard: but I just need one of you, somebody who is plugged into their humanity I guess, to serve as, as my… debator! We’re gonna debate this! And I need one of you to debate me!
Griffin: Is there a roll I can do to like, get a feel for Dick’s… [crosstalk] in--
Travis: [crosstalk] Is there an insight?
Griffin: There’s an empathy roll, but I don’t know if that’s necessarily it.
Clint: Who has the highest empathy among the three of you?
Travis: Ha, fuckin’ Irene.
Justin: Right.
Griffin: We could-- I have two, I have two empathy, I could take a-- I could take a swing at it.
Clint: Alright.
Griffin: No. [Clint starts laughing] I got a negative--
Travis: No that’s a negative--
Griffin: [crosstalk] Wait a minute. [Travis: Mmhmm] You have to contest it with deceive, or rapport, if you’re telling the truth, but--
Clint: I tell you what, um, you get a read from Richard that he’s sincere! That he’s honest! This is really what he feels!
- Remy: He seems to be level… Uh uh Richard, my liege, my king, uh my lord. Do you… think that if uh you go public with this right now we’re gonna have the, y’know, the marines or something on-- on top of us by like, the end of the hour.
- Richard: Well, trust me we’ve thought about that. This? This base, the Berg, is completely defensible. Trust me, and if things work out the way I think they are, we’re not gonna need very long.
- Remy: Let’s just kind of see how this plays out.
Clint: From the other room, Martine says:
- Martine: Dick, honey. Time to go, we gotta get started.
Travis: His name is Dick Honey?
Clint: No it’s actually Dick Poer, Richard Poer [Travis: Oh. Oh I see.] Poer-
Travis: Like poor Richard!
Griffin: [completely exasperated] Oh come on-- Ohhh, gooooosh.
Travis: I see!
- Richard: Come on in, guys, come on, come on, everybody come on in the room.
Clint: So everybody goes into that half of the room. And I’m moving icons here, so you don’t freak out--
Justin: [crosstalk] Awwww here goes!
Griffin: You have to like, set it as the [Clint: Got it] active page, there we go, got it
Travis: Ohhhh there we are!
Clint: Got it wrapped up.
Justin: Eeeeyah, yabba yabba.
Griffin: Well this is a… this is a helpful m-
Travis: It doesn’t seem like a welcoming room…?
Clint: Alright, right off the bat, you notice something. On the far side of the raised platform, Richard is now standing on the raised platform. There is a-- a large chair. And seated in that chair, is… Mary Sage, Space Cadet. And standing next to her on either side, are two men, and they are operatives you remember from the mixer that weren’t total jerks-- Addison, and Flanagan. Also in this general area is another operative named Grey, who I don’t think you’ve encountered yet. Richard steps up onto the raised platform, and says,
- Richard: Kardala! Come on, we’re getting ready to get started.
- Kardala: Yes.
Clint: So Kardala goes up onto the raised platform with Richard. Martine turns and looks at Flanagan, who raises a hand in the air, and suddenly this black energy surrounds Flanagan. And Flanagan places a hand on Addison’s shoulder, and that black energy seems to flow through, through Addison, into Mary Sage. And Mary’s thing of her hair starting to wave up, her eyes lighting up, she is powering up. But she’s powering up like never before. Her powers are, incredibly enhanced. And Richard turns to you and says,
- Richard: See? This is how I’m gonna talk to everybody.
- Remy: You couldn’t get a fuckin’ webcam or something my dude?
- Richard: I did-- that wouldn’t ensure that everybody would see this. This is gonna show up on every screen, in every digital readout, in every computer, in every game, anything with a chip in it, hell it might even show up in somebody’s microwave oven I don’t know! But this message is gonna go to every. Body. Courtesy of Mary’s power, enhanced by these two! Is that not awesome!
- Nadiya: I mean yeah, actually like, yeah.
- Remy: When you’re done doing your thing can I just put my mixtape out there?
- Richard: [laughs uproariously]
- Remy: Hey!
- Richard: Oh, that’s a great idea. I wish we had, eh I don’t know if we can do sound.
Justin: So Addison’s a conduit, Flanagan creates--
Clint: The energy.
Justin: The energy, okay--
Clint: And it goes into Mary.
Justin: [crosstalk] Okay.
Griffin: [crosstalk] Got it okay.
Travis: So they are three operatives, they are three--
Clint: They are three operatives, correct.
Travis: Okay.
Clint: So. Richard looks up, and says,
- Richard: Alecksa? Play ‘Royal Fanfare 1’.
{26:18}
[Music plays]
Clint: And he says,
- Richard: [grandly] Friends! I am your king.
- Remy: Big bold start.
- Richard: Richard Poer! King Dick. Ha!
Justin: Public opinion.
- Richard: And I am here to pass along a very important message to you. This nation has outgrown its’ method of choosing its’ leaders. [Music ends] Think about this. Every four years, sometimes eight years, this country is bitterly divided. Every four years a new person steps into the leadership of this country, and has to reinvent the wheel! Reforge alliances! Restate his or her vision! I believe in vision, not di-vision.
- Nadiya: [under her breath] Gross.
- Richard: Let me bring everybody together. I am the legal, rightful king of the United Sovereignty of America. Alecksa? Attach the file ‘Visual of the royal decree’?
Justin: Dad you assume at this point everyone thought they were getting viral marketing for a new Kingsman movie and are already trying to close it. [laughter]
Griffin: Yeah!
Justin: You have to assume.
Clint: Can’t close it. [Justin: [crosstalk] Can’t close it.] Can’t close it. Nuh uh. [clears throat]
- Richard: I want to provide the leadership to you, that will make this country not only the most powerful country on the planet, but the best country in the planet, doing great stuff like the Do Good Fellowship has done, for years! I want you to show the same courage that those scrowdy row farmers showed! I’m not talkin’ about a revolution, I’m not talking about a coup, I’m talking about replacing a CEO! What if you had to change the boss to the business every four years? And start all over again? No violence, no bloodshed, just me providing a vision. Kardala! Tell ‘em what we’re talkin’ about!
- Kardala: … Yes. My name is Kardala, and I love this excellent king. For many… minutes, I have served [Griffin laughing loudly in background] him, and he has always shown himself to be the king… of… America. And… I am very excited about how much I love this great king, and um, this is not a joke. Or a trick.
- Richard: Uh good try, good try. Right now, uh, my head of information tech is uploading a file to each one of you listing all the amazing things the Do Good Fellowship has done for the last couple of centuries.
Clint: And Potts pushes a button in his operating station.
- Richard: From our R&D department comes a list of all the marvelous scientific innovations we have initiated.
Clint: And Joe pushes a button.
- Richard: Medical breakthroughs!
Clint: Grey pushes a button.
- Richard: New techniques in finance!
Clint: Mr Garfield pushes a button.
- Richard: International relationships!
Clint: Scully pushes a button.
Travis: Dance moves!
- Richard: [laughing] Look at all these attachments go. Recipes! This is what I am offering! This kind of leadership from an organisation that believes in me and what I stand for, that a king would be the best thing for this country.
Clint: And at that moment, Mary Sage starts to scream.
- Remy: Hey, hey hey hey!
Clint: Mary Sage is completely surrounded by this quivering black energy, and she screams again. And you see blood coming out of her nose. Addison says,
- Addison: Uhhh… boss? I-it’s too much for her! I-i-i-i-i-i-i think it’s waaay too much for Mary!
Justin: Kardala looks into the camera and says,
- Kardala: America. Meet your king. You have met him, and you know his great wisdom. Now, behold your god.
Justin: And then tackles Addison.
Clint: Okay. [dice rolling]
Travis: Nadiya is also ready to-- like, Nadiya has just been watching Kardala this whole time and kind of counting down an imaginary countdown in her head like--
Griffin: [crosstalk] Yeah, sure.
Clint: Mmhmm. Alright so [dice rolling] you move to tackle her, okay.
Justin: Uh that’s a… four. Which in the Fate ladder is great! Great tackle from Kardala.
Clint: A great tackle from Kardala. As Kardala starts to make the move towards Mary… Sylvane moves. And… with super speed, which is his power, places himself between Mary and Kardala. Kardala tackles Sylvane, and Sylvane’s momentum carries Kardala off the platform, and off to the uh left side, off to the floor. He takes two in physical stress, and a mild consequence that his uh, ankle, is kinda dinged up. He can still move, but he can’t move very fast--
Justin: [crosstalk] The injured ankle, that’s his aspect--
Griffin: [crosstalk] Owie owie owie, owie on the ankle.
Clint: He’s got an owie. He’s got a big owie.
Griffin: Yeah.
Travis: Oh my goodness.
Clint: Richard says,
- Richard: Woah, woah woah woah woah waait a minute waaaait a minute there’s no need, no need for that, let-- let-- y’know, if it’s, if it’s killin’ Mary, let’s shut it down, and we’ll-- we’ll y’know, we’ll finish this later. We kinda made our case already.
Clint: And Martine takes her gun out, and points it at Mary’s head, and says,
- Martine: I… don’t think so sweetheart. I think we need to finish this.
Griffin: Um. I say,
- Remy: Well this sure didn’t last very long.
Griffin: And I jump at Martine to try to interrupt this hostage situation. [Clint: Awesome.] I mean if this thing is popping off we may as well do this. Uhhh I got a five on my athletics roll.
Clint: Okay. [dice roll]
Griffin: I’m not trying to like tackle or like, injure in any way, I’m just literally trying to uh jump, jump into her to keep-- keep, to-- to cool this situation a little bit.
Clint: And as you’re coming down on her, her eyes flash red because she too is augmented with stimplants.
Griffin: Fantastic, fantastic.
Clint: Her eyes flash, and heat beams come out of them.
- Remy: Son of a-- no, this sucks!! This is bullshit!!!
Clint: They just barely-- they miss you, but she does shoot heat beams out of her eyes.
- Remy: Damnit.
Clint: Nadiya, what do you do?
Travis: Uh, well while this is going on, Nadiya walks up calmly, turns her hand into a knife and puts it to Richard’s throat.
Clint: [laughing slightly] Okay?
- Nadiya: Martine, I think we’re done.
Clint: Let’s say, let me think here for a second, gimme a second, I did not expect this.
Travis: Yeah I can roll to intimidate.
Clint: Do a roll to intimidate!
Travis: Oh, sorry, I said intimidate, and then, I realised there is no intimidate in Fate. [Clint laughs] It’s uh, um, I believe what I meant to say was provoke, um, so plus five provoke. And I am attempting to create an advantage by, uh, invoking, or provoking, an emotional state from the target, and the target opposes with will.
Griffin: So what did Martine roll on the will roll. Did uh, [crosstalk]
Clint: Martine… [dice rolling] uh… pl- uh zero, and Martine’s…
Justin: You gotta talk into the mike.
Clint: Sorry.
Justin: Yup.
Travis: These mikes, when do we start using them?
Justin: Our last dad was a radio professional, so it’s [Clint laughs] hard for us to keep up with our new dad.
Clint: Uh, plus one on that roll. So… [Griffin: [crosstalk] What’s the-] you successfully provoke her.
Griffin: What’s the emotional aspect that you have put.
Travis: I would like to, uh, create an advantage with hesitant?
Clint: Okay. Ummm. Just, y’know, she’s got a gun pointing at Mary…
Griffin: Aww she’s got heat eyes and it seems redundant to also have guns, but.
Travis: Well I just want to create a little, just some hesitation there to be invoked later.
Clint: Alright. I like that. That’s good, there’s a little hesitation there. She isn’t quite sure. So. She uh, she powers down her eye beams, and says,
- Martine: You-- you really wouldn’t hurt him. He’s an innocent, he’s a--
- Nadiya: Oh.
- Martine: He’s a good man!
- Nadiya: I really would.
- Remy: She super would, trust-- trust me on this one.
- Nadiya: I super, duper would.
- Martine: Alright. Okay, well we’ll… up the ante a little bit.
Clint: And she turns to Mary, and she says,
- Martine: Mary, shut down all electronics in the United States of America.
[TAZ: Commitment theme fades in at 35:03]
[The Money Zone 35:23-41:40]
- Martine: Mary, shut down all electronics in the United States of America.
- Richard: [horrified] Martine! You’d-you’d be cutting off power to- to hospitals! And-- and-- and and vehicles and, stoplights and, people depending on technology to live! You’re gonna kill a lot of people like that’s not what I want!
Clint: Martine says,
- Martine: I don’t think so. I love you Dick, but I just don’t think you had what it takes to follow it through.
- Remy: Uh Mary, belay that order? Don’t-- don’t do that. Please, that’s-- you don’t want to be responsible for that.
- Nadiya: Um, Onyx, Conduit, are you just, like, cool with this?
- Remy: You cool with that guys, you two are just super cool with it?
Clint: Onyx is so deep in concentration summoning all this energy, but Addison says,
- Addison: Paaah, no, not really, I gotta, I got a really bad feeling about this.
- Nadiya: Yeah!
- Remy: [simultaneously] No kidding!
- Nadiya: Yeah she just said she was gonna shut off all electronics, it’s not a feeling!
Clint: And Mary screams again.
- Remy: Alright, Addison, you better let go, or I’m gonna, I swear to god I’m gonna come at you, like a fuckin’ tiger. [snorting in background] This is not a joke. Let go right now.
Clint: Addison says,
- Addison: Maaaaaan, I don’t think I can! I-
- Remy: Alright! I did-- I just straight up though, just, just right now, you understand, I did give you a fair warning.
Griffin: And I jump at Addison now. [Clint: Okay.] I’m just gonna fucking like, ping pong around the room I guess, jumping on whoever needs to be. [background giggling] Uh, uh…
Travis: Jumped.
Griffin: Jumped at. Uh, and this one is gonna be a fight roll.
Clint: Okay. Roll it. [dice rattling]
Griffin: Uh that’s gonna be… a... one plus five, a six.
Travis: Hooo!
Justin: Wait you-- wait your fight’s five?
Griffin: It’s a three plus with my natural weapon, [crosstalk] that’s two.
Justin: Oh, cool. Neat. Okay.
Griffin: I’m just trying to knock hi-- I’m not trying to, like. I’m not trying to [Clint: Alright.] punch to hurt him? But uh my punch is uh, sort of pass on this kinetic force. I’m going to knock, [Clint: Alright] knock Addison as far away from Mary as I possibly can.
Clint: Describe it.
Griffin: Uhhh I leap off of Martine, uhh and kind of fly over Mary and with my knees up, uh…
Travis: Oh like Ong-Bak style.
Griffin: Ong-Bak style, [Travis: Yeah.] I collide with Addison, and uh, right as I, right as I hit Addison I sort of extend my palms and this wave of force shoots out and uh, knocks them across the room.
Clint: [laughs] ‘Kay.
Justin: Presumably, cause we don’t know what Addison’s, uh, opposition that was.
Clint: Yeah, it was a negative one, so.
Justin: Hachi machi.
Clint: Yeah, you-- you not only knock Addison down and away, but he goes flying. And… I--
Griffin: That’s seven, that is-- I did hit Addison for seven points of stress. [crosstalk]
Travis: [crosstalk] Non-lethal. Non-lethal.
Clint: [crosstalk] And I think you knocked him out, you didn’t just knock him all the way, you knocked him out.
- Remy: I’m so sorry that was waaaay more, waaay harsher than I thought it was gonna be, still gettin’ used-- he’s unconscious. Okay. Well!
Justin: You can also add an added benefit on top of that Griffin, since you succeeded with style.
Griffin: Uhhhh oh yeah! So… uhhhh…
Justin: You have to add an aspect to the situation.
Griffin: You can add an aspect-- yeah, so. But I actually get a, uh uh special effect, which is the thing that each of our characters have. Uhhh you add an aspect to the target which you can invoke once for free, or you can move up to two zones for free. So I’m gonna say, I’ll take extra movement and just like, after I collided with him, I do a perfect backflip through the air and, and am standing right next to Martine, again.
Clint: [laughs] Alright. Martine, her eyes flare up again… [crosstalk] and--
Griffin: [crosstalk] Is Mary is Mary is, uh.
Clint: Mary’s head kinda slumps forward, and…. And uh, Onyx is still summoning energy but there is no longer a conduit. But Mary’s power is still activated, it’s not as powerful as it was, but her hair’s still extended and you can tell that she’s still got her power but her head is kinda slumped forward, uh, in pain and in exhaustion. Matter of fact, she has taken three physical stress, um, because of, because of all the things that were going on. [Griffin: Okay.] Um. [dice roll] Martine fires a heat blast from her eyes at Nadiya. Uhhh one, two. Uhhh has five in shoot, so one, two, she shoots the heat beams effectively at Nadiya. Nadiya what do you do.
Travis: Okay.
Griffin: So you’d have to defend with athletics again, shoot.
Travis: Yes, so! That’s a plus one to athletics, and my athletics is plus one, [Griffin: [whispering] Yikesss] so that’s a two, versus what was it?
Griffin: A… seven?
Travis: Was it? What?!
Griffin: It was pretty freaking good.
Clint and Travis: Well.
Travis: I’m going to use, uh, Collateral Damage. If an attack is going to hit, rather than me becoming denser, you can decrease your mass so that the attack passes through you, but! [Griffin: Uh oh.] The attack will continue on and damage another target.
Justin: [wheezes] Ohhhh nooooooo.
Travis: So sorry Richard! Byeee!
Griffin: Ohhhhh shit!
Clint: Okay. Who’s the other target?
Travis: Richard.
Griffin: I mean it’s gonna, you knew it was gonna be Richard, right dad?
Clint: It smashes into Richard, because you are intangible. Alright?
Travis: Uh huh.
Clint: It knocks him away from you, knocks him off the platform, aaaand he is really fucked up. He is-- [Travis: Yeah.] his clothes are on fire. [Travis: Aww yeah!] Uhhh he’s screaming--
Griffin: I say I say,
- Remy: Martine! Why did ‘chu do that? Woah!
[laughing]
Clint: Um. And Martine just wigs out. Just absolutely wigs out. Raises her gun, her eyes flash, aaand she’s just gonna bring down seventeen kinds of hell on all you guys. That’s when Mary looks up and looks at Martine, and says,
- Mary: You! Shithead! You were gonna make me kill thousands of people!
Justin and Griffin: [simultaneously] Probably millions. [laughing]
Justin: Right. Probably.
- Mary: Probably millions! Screw you!
Clint: She squints her eyes, and there’s this humongous tremor, that runs through the entire room. Hell, runs through the entire Berg! Instantly, the twelve branches that house the different departments separate from the central hub and start to submerge. And the central hub is rocked by this. It was never designed for all of the branches to separate and become, distinct vehicles or whatever, at the same time. And… things start goin’ to that seventeen kinds of hell all of a sudden.
The central hub’s now basically a huuuge floating platform, starts to rock back and forth, and the stress on the building is-- is, is huge. Cracks start appearing in the walls, and in the ceiling, and… Martine rushes over to Richard’s side. Um, and but, this has started a chain reaction that, that just, is not gonna stop. Um. Onyx, and… runs over and picks up Addison, and takes off, they flee, they-- they run. So does Grey, Grey runs after them. Um, and-- and so do uh, the other operatives, except for Sylvane. Sylvane is still standing there, waving his knives. He has positioned himself between you guys, and Martine and Richard.
Griffin: And they’re by-- and they’re by the door?
Clint: Yeah. The cracks in the walls start getting even larger, and large chunks of the ceiling start falling, exposing the sky and-- and the air outside. Um, the machinery, technology, start exploding, and you hear a claxon start to, start to ring. Um, telling people to escape, to-- to leave, and Martine looks up from Richard’s body and says,
- Martine: He’s still alive no thanks to you!
- Remy: You’re the one that shot him.
- Nadiya: Yes you, you did that.
- Martine: Well. Shut up!
- Nadiya: Okay. Mary? Could you stop? You’ve made your point.
- Mary: N...no, I can’t stop anything. Um. I’ve sent them away, I’ve split it all up…
- Nadiya: You did great.
- Remy: No you did awesome, but- but we’re still here, and we really need to get out of here and it’d be a lot easier if you weren’t tearing the base apart while that was happening
- Nadiya: Can you walk?
- Mary: I… can, um, wait a minute. I have an idea.
Clint: And all of a sudden, through one of the cracking decrepit walls of the room, a skimmer comes blasting through, and settles down amongst the debris, and the dust, and everything else. And through that hole in the wall, you can see that the central hub is starting to submerge.
- Nadiya: Okay byee!
- Remy: Everybody on. Pottsy? Come on bud. Oh Pottsy already left.
Justin: It just sounds right, now everyone’s split.
Clint: It’s just you guys.
Justin: [crosstalk] Okay.
Travis: [crosstalk] Alright.
Justin: We’re leaping onto the skimmer for sure. Martine can fuck right off.
Griffin: Well I-- I say,
- Remy: Come on, you all should get onboard, we don’t--
- Martine: Nope!
- Remy: No, guys, come on.
- Martine: Nope!
- Remy: You’re gonna die if you stay here and we-- we really need to get going, if you want your king to be safe we, we, we gotta go right now.
Justin: Kardala, um, runs over to Martine and Dick and uh, picks them up, one in each arm and says,
- Kardala: Please. my king, uh-- [crosstalk overlapping with Remy] Your safety, is paramount to me.
- Remy: [crosstalk] Kardala we’re not, we’re not doing that, no.
- Kardala: I’m saving the king! Surely I will be honoured for this-- for this, amazing contribution.
Justin: Kardala is uh running towards the skimmer with both of them.
Clint: I-- And Sylvane, can’t follow very quickly cause of his injured leg. So he goes limping, and he runs out the door to try to find some other kind of escape.
- Nadiya: Okay byeee.
- Remy: Bye Sylvane.
Clint: And-- and you guys took Mary, right?
Griffin: [crosstalk] Yeah.
Travis: [crosstalk] Yessss.
Griffin: Yeah, for sure.
Clint: So, she looks down, and she’s lost a lot of blood. And. She tries to start the skimmer, and… it’s just not responding. It’s damaged itself when it came crashing through the wall. And the platform, the central hub, is now starting to sink below the waves. And the water is, is starting to come pouring in, and basically is surrounding the skimmer.
- Nadiya: Remy--
- Kardala: Allow-- Allow me.
Justin: And Kardala claps her hands and summons a thunderbolt to hit the skimmer.
Clint: [in a strangled sounding sort of voice] This is great!
Justin: Kardala has a, I would say, a poor understanding of electronics but thinks that this should do the job. [giggling]
Clint: Oh no!
Justin: Uh, so that is, I’m rolling against an opposition of two, and it’s a will roll… zero… [Clint: [crosstalk] I’m going to--] plus… [Clint: [crosstalk] I’m going to-- okay go ahead] plus three. So, three. So I do create the, the lightning bolt.
Clint: The lightning bolt hits the skimmer, and somehow that kind of jumpstarts everything. And Mary says,
- Mary: Hang onto somethin’!
Clint: Just as the platform starts to go under the waves, and the skimmer backs up out of the hole, and hovers there on the waves. And you see the, the central hub, sink under the water. You also see in the distance, a number of other skimmers start to fly off. And they’re all gone. You’re watching this awesome hole in the water come crashing in like the Red Sea, filling back in after parting.
Griffin: I say um,
- Remy: I have to buy some new clothes. Shit.
Travis: I look at Martine and I say,
- Nadiya: Oh, oh this is so important. I can’t, I have to tell you one thing. Bonk!
Travis: And I turn, uh Nadiya turns her right arm into a baseball bat and clobbers her, trying to knock her unconscious. [laughing]
Travis: Oh no! Well. It all ends up being uh, a plus two, not great.
Clint: Okay a plus two, and an athletics roll to defend… [dice roll] Ah it’s alright. It’s a minus four! [laughter]
Travis: Okay.
Justin: So, real comedic {verity} we’ve got going on here.
Clint: That whacks up against her head, and she collapses right next to Richard.
Justin: Okay.
Griffin: Is Richard conscious?
Clint: He is conscious, but he is in a lot of pain.
Travis: Good.
- Remy: Um. Sorry about your kingdom. I, this is, uh, wow what a waste.
[Clint laughing]
- Kardala: Yes, I believe that represents… many stamps.
- Nadiya: Uhh bummer, I guess.
- Richard: [choking, in a croaky voice] [coughs] It’s… not the end… of the kingdom…
- Nadiya: Hmm?
- Richard: And it’s not the end… of… me… you might have shut down this… but I believe in what I stand for. I am committed…
- Nadiya: Bonk!
[Laughter]
Griffin: Travis just rolled-- [descends into laughter] [indistinguishable] programme again.
Justin: That’s a, uh so what is that Trav-- [more laughter]
Travis: That is [laughing] plus four.
Clint: Okay. In this weakened condition that knocks him right out. He’s gone.
- Kardala: You know demon, I like you more and more.
Griffin: I talk to Mary and I say,
- Remy: Hey I’m glad you’re doing okay, d’you-- are you the one flying this thing right now? With your uh brain powers?
- Mary: Mmhmm. Where’d you wanna go?
[pause]
- Remy: The White House I guess?
- Mary: And what’re you gonna do?
- Remy: Hand over the king of America? I dunno I’m just thinkin’ out loud.
- Nadiya: You know the White House isn’t a prison, right Remy? Like we could go to like, Joliet, or, I don’t know.
- Remy: Yeah but you can’t just like take a guy to jail and be like “Here I got, got a new one for ya”.
[laughing]
- Nadiya: That’s true.
- Mary: Wh-what exactly, uh, crime, do you want him to be charged with?
- Nadiya: Sedition. Treason.
- Remy: Treason’s a good one, I mean he did sort of broadcast his treason to all of America so I think it’d be pretty easy to make a case.
- Mary: Maybe. Maybe… he wasn’t entirely wrong.
- Nadiya: Well okay.
- Remy: Alright, but--
- Mary: You tell me where to take him and we’ll take him there.
- Remy: I like the idea of the White House, I don’t know about you all, but I think it could be fun.
- Nadiya: I dunno, maybe the Pentagon?
- Kardala: Why does the colour of the house figure into our decision?
- Remy: Oh, great.
- Kardala: That was a joke.
- Remy: Oh it was-- hey
- Nadiya: Oh!
- Remy: that one was actually a joke!
- Kardala: Thank you. Thank you.
[End music fades in]
Clint: And the skimmer goes zippin’ along the Gulf Coast, headed towards Washington D.C. Mary says,
- Mary: Oh wait, okay! There’s something else.
Clint: She squints her eyes, and a little panel opens, and out come a bunch of strombolis.
Travis: Yes.
Griffin: [laughing] This motherfuckin’ Archie Comics ending to this.
Justin: I love it.
Griffin: And Jughead gets his burgers.
[Clint laughs]
[End music starts fading out at 58:24]
Griffin: So how close was that to what you were envisioning for the episode?
Clint: Uh.
Justin: Yeah I think a little bit of wrap up would make sense.
Travis: Okay.
Clint: That was fairly close, I knew I wanted to have a confrontation. I actually was gonna involve a couple more operatives but then I realised that would have been too confusing and too big. And I really, I wanted, I want there to be a conclusion. I had no idea how it was gonna end. [Griffin: Yeah.] I wanted there to be a conclusion, but I wanted it to still be open-ended if we still wanted to, y’know revisit these characters in the future, so… that really went-- I’m very pleased with how it came out!
Griffin: Alright!
Travis: Well good.
Justin: Good for the day.
Griffin: Uh, as long as we’re debriefing, cause the point of this is to learn, learn stuff. I like the Fate system, I don’t think it’s gonna be a good fit for [Travis: Yeah] the show. Just because kinda-- the, the, the way that combat is almost like a negotiation? Or, uh, you’re constantly tryna to like, calculate things with aspects which I should say right now we were not especially good stewards of those, [Travis: Yeah] we did play a little bit Calvinball to suit our needs--
Travis: It’s great for gameplay, it’s not so great for like, rapid narrative storytelling? [Griffin: Yeah, sure.] Especially when it comes to like, if you attack with this, which one do you defend with, that kind of stuff?
Clint: Well I think it’s good, I think it’s good for storytelling, I really do think it’s good for narrative.
Justin: Um.
Griffin: It’s just not necessarily what we’re, what we’re doing but I had fun! I had fun with it! I think--
Justin: Oh I loved Fate. It’s great.
Griffin: Um. Um yeah. I think-- I think we keep trying some. I mean obviously whatever we do next is gonna be a different system we’re still figuring it out, but yeah, that’d be great--
Travis: Then we’ll be back with a different story.
Griffin: Yeah great work dad, that was cool.
Justin: I liked all your great voices.
Griffin: [simultaneously with Clint] You worked very hard on voices.
Clint: [simultaneously with Griffin] I worked very hard on voices. [laughter]
Clint: Apparently what was limiting me was just doing one!
Justin: Just doing one-- [crosstalk]
Clint: [crosstalk] Yeah, I needed to do twenty-four!
Justin: [crosstalk] You’re too, you’re too multifaceted.
Clint: Yeah I was just too big--
Justin: Like a diamond with one facet.
Clint: I was too good for the room.
Justin: I guess.
Griffin: So… I guess that’s it?
Clint: We might have one after credits sequence.
Travis: Oh shit yeah!
{61:31}
[Music]
Clint: It’s a hospital room, and Richard is hanging onto life. He is surrounded by monitors and wires and uh, Martine is by his side, Sylvane is standing over the side. The doctor walks in, checks the monitors, looks at her clipboard, looks at Martine, and says, um,
- Doctor: He has a very long road ahead of him but I believe he’s going to survive. As a matter of fact, I would be willing to bet he’s going to… thrive.
Clint: And she reaches up and flips over her medical ID tag, and it has a twenty-four question mark logo on it.
THE END