Transcript by the lovely volunteers at TAZscripts.
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Griffin: Previously, on the Adventure Zone…
Griffin: You hear music coming from Minerva. It’s— it’s like a sad and beautiful, like, acoustic blues tune.
You see a black imperial crown coupe wrapped around a tree. In the driver’s seat is your accomplice—
Clint: And I pack— fill my pockets and then I gotta run into the woods!
Griffin: I think you are surprised when you cut clean through the pole.
- Aubrey: Whoops!
Griffin: And it falls over into the store. The counterweight and the tram and— and your car kind of tied up in this cable are very very slowly, slowly skidding to a halt.
Justin: Beacon has now coiled its way around the goat’s throat.
- Duck: Y’all don’t know me. Listen, I— I would not just kill your friend lying here unarmed on the ground like this.
- Beacon: But I most definitely would.
[The Adventure Zone: Amnesty Theme by Griffin McElroy plays]
Griffin: Maybe we should start with like a refresher, ‘cause it’s been— it’s been a Gregorian Calendar year since we’ve played this game. In this one, you hunt big monsters. Or sometimes—
Clint: Ooh, scary!
Griffin: Yeah, sometimes— it is a little scary, I’m going to go ahead and give this one a PG-13.
Travis: Griffin, have we revealed yet that we’re the real monsters? Like—
Griffin: Yeah, I think if you’ve been paying attention to like the subtext of the podcast, we have— the Walking Dead is actually maybe even us? If you can believe it?
Travis: [Comprehending] Ahh!
Clint: Nice! Well I don’t need it because I’ve taken copious notes, but I’m sure that the other two—
Griffin: [crosstalk] Okay, why don’t you—
Clint: [crosstalk] The other two might need it.
Griffin: Yeah. Why don’t you lead us, then, Dad, in prayer?
Clint: Uhh, dear Lord, please bless us with recognition, with cognitive abilities to remember all of the many wonderful things that have happened, and thank you for the blessings of podcasting—
Justin: [crosstalk] All right, he doesn’t— he’s just making— he doesn’t know shit.
Griffin: [crosstalk] Okay, he has no idea, yeah.
Justin: Just pulling that out of his old ass.
Clint: Amen.
Griffin: So basically, things have been happening that are bad. Bad things have happened that are bad. Like accidents. You had Danimal’s wreck because of the Gatorade bottle, you had the Pizza Hut sign falling into the building, and now you had the funicular tram— something went wrong with its brake mechanism, and it fell and was only prevented from wrecking the base station and the people inside of it because of Ned and Aubrey and the brave sacrifice of the Lincoln Continental. So that has sort of been the main threat. There— it’s kind of followed a pattern, where there’s been a sudden storm, and as it passes, that is when things start to go wrong.
You have also seen now these hooded figures that now you know to be these goat men that kind of resemble some of the creatures, including Vincent, that you have seen over in Sylvain. And Duck, you were in the middle of sort of stand-off where you had one of them taken captive with Beacon wrapped around its throat, with two more sort of facing you down. What other sort of stuff has been— Aubrey has kind of had some issues with her magic and her not really understanding how to make it work reliably, I guess?
Travis: I would say that she has some reluctance to safety and danger, you know? And concerns.
Griffin: Sure.
Justin: I think it’s great that Travis’s rolls in The Adventure Zone have been such that, should he actually roll unfavourably, he has to create a narrative reason why this is happening. Certainly this is not within the bounds of reality, certainly there’s a narrative reason why my rolls are bad!
Travis: Justin, the dice tell the story, you know, I’m just—
Justin: [Repeats somewhat incredulously] The dice are telling the story.
Travis: I am a humble messenger, the dice truly pin the tail on the donkey.
[Justin laughing]
Griffin: Let’s do— is there any other— we also had Ned’s sort of realizing that it was Aubrey’s house that he robbed, and that was sort of— that was sort of a fateful event in this campaign. It was the last robbery that he and his partner had before they had their wreck that left the partner behind, and Duck, you had, let’s see… a vision, a pretty bad vision of a meteor falling planetside [Justin: Yeah.] back in the first episode. Anything else that we need— you’ve met the Mothman, that was cool.
Travis: Duck has a sister.
Griffin: Duck has a sister, he also saved Juno from the funicular falling. Oh, these goat men have the tools from Danimal’s car, the one that wrecked, so they took what seemed like his arborist tools from the vehicle after it crashed. I think that’s it, I think we might be belaboring now. You all ready to hop back in, now that we’ve done sort of some groundwork?
Clint: Yeah!
Griffin: Okay.
Griffin: I mean let’s pick things up with— with Duck. That’s sort of the most pressing thing that I’m curious how it is going to resolve. You have this one goat man held captive, you have the sword to its throat — or rather, I guess, around its throat, which is sort of a unique way to put a sword to something’s throat — and you have these two goat men that you are facing off against, one with these long shears and one with a big shovel. And as you and Beacon say this badass shit, the two goat men facing you down don’t really, they really take a beat here. They don’t know how to respond. They don’t look scared, so much as they look, they look confused. They look like the possibility of one of them being in danger actually never even occurred to them. And I think they have a beat here where they are just kind of stopped still in their tracks, and just sort of stare at you waiting for your next move. What do you do?
Justin: I’m gonna try and talk to them—
Griffin: Okay.
Justin: And it sounds a little something— that’s a weird intro. I should always do that before I start talking. [crosstalk] And now my character speaks. [laughter]
Griffin: [crosstalk] And now I speak.
[Clint and Griffin laughing]
- Duck: [More gravelly than usual] Listen, y’all, I’m gonna be honest with you. He’s got a mind of his own. And I’m not playing “good cop, bad cop,” you better start talking so I can call this whole thing off, because he will decapitate your friend.
- Beacon: [Also more gravelly than usual] Duck Newton tells the truth. Nothing would please me more. Please, discussss...
Travis: This is great, because Justin’s been recording the shit out of the Sawbones audiobook, and so Duck Newton’s voice has changed, it’s become a lot deeper.
Justin: Yeah, he’s down— it’s down here, because this is all I have left.
[Clint and Travis laugh]
Griffin: Yeah, the people on the tour we’re about to go on are just gonna get sort of tatters. Tatters of Justin’s soul.
Justin: You know when I get, I got one of those Hollywood doctors to give me the shots of the good stuff. [Clint and Justin laughing] Keep the glitter and glamor from spilling out my pores for the ticket buyers, of course.
Griffin: These two goat men that you’re facing off with, they look at each other, and the one holding the shovel kind of blinks, and then says:
- Shovel Goat Man: *bleating noises*
And you immediately realize that they do not speak your common human tongue. They really have no way of speaking to you, you don’t even know if they understood what you just said. They obviously understood that their compatriot here is in danger, but that’s about the long and short of it. I guess my question for you is like, what are you hoping to accomplish with this hostage situation?
Justin: So here is the questions for me as a player. One, I’m obviously outnumbered and in a great deal of danger: can I secure my safety? Second, I don’t necess— I assume because of the structure of the show, that these people have— no, these goats [laugh] have bad intent, but I, it feels, Duck in the world does not know that. So, that is, I’m trying to ascertain, I think that. Is this a situation where these are hostile, or, you know or, what is the deal? Those are the two things I’m trying to achieve.
Griffin: Follow-up question— this goat man that you have held hostage, is you know, has human characteristics and also animal characteristics. Does Duck feel an actual sort of reluctance to commit violence to this thing? Obviously, the big, you know, omni-bear that you guys fought in the woods, and the water ghost that you fought, you didn’t necessarily have that element of, you know, personification, I guess, for lack of a better term.
Justin: Yeah, well, and I think also this is a situation where he has managed to get the upper hand? [Griffin: Okay.] And Duck is not the sort of dude who’s just gonna like… decapitate an unarmed creature [Griffin laughs] that he has pounced upon with nary a word spoken, one way or the other. I mean, he is— like, even if it was just an animal and not a personified animal, like… it didn’t attack him, yet. It may be responsible for some bad stuff but he’s not gonna, like, decapitate the thing [Griffin: Sure. Okay.] just because he has the opportunity to. He may come to regret that, but that is where he is coming from.
Griffin: Let’s do this, then. I think this is probably going to be a Manipulate Someone. I think that’s how we codify this and it’s how we move the plot forward? You want them to do something, you have something that— you have leverage, which is this captive. So, I think just to firm this up and to move forward, you tell them what you want them to do, and you roll plus charm, and you give them a reason. And I think your reason here is just, “Or I’ll kill your friend.” Or not friend, but, you know [crosstalk] fellow goat man.
Justin: [crosstalk] And I am definitely using some, like, hand motions to try to indicate, basically, weapons down. [Griffin: Okay.] Like, calm— you know what I mean? Like calming, like I would probably with an animal [stammering] you know, as effective as that is, I have no idea. Uh, roll 2d6— [goofy voice] Uh— Oh no! [Travis laughs] It’s a four! It’s a four, innit? Oh no.
Griffin: Aw, buddy. Aw, pal.
Justin: Oh no.
Travis: Oh no.
Justin: Bad.
Griffin: Okay, I’m gonna take a hard move here. They… I think they get one over on you. The one with the shovel sort of just starts taking a step back, it’s holding on to its shovel— it actually grips a little bit tighter to its shovel, because it doesn’t want to lose this tool. The one with the shears starts to put it down, and then— I think its legs just sort of compress and then spring forward at you, just so— just so blindingly fast, and closes the gap between the two of you. And I think before you or Beacon have the chance to react, the shears go through the goatman that you are holding hostage— right through its shoulder, and into your shoulder.
Justin: Aw man, that’s my shoulder!
Travis: Oh, no!
Griffin: You take three harm as this shear goes into you. And it pulls it back, and the goatman that you are holding captive falls to the ground and is bleating— and bleeding, hey! Alright.
[Exclamations of delight]
Griffin: — Just bleating up a storm. And at this moment, you are looking at this goatman that you’re holding hostage— or you were, just moments ago, I think at this point Beacon is now off this thing, and the two of you are just kind of on the ground— and, the other two goatmen have been kind of emotionless, kind of, um, robotic, although they are not robots. Almost like, confused by this hostage situation, and the emotions that you are trying to conjure up. The one on the ground is fucking— it’s terrified. It is terrified, and it is exhibiting a lot more emotion than the other two ever did. And the one with the shears gets ready to leverage another strike down at you, and then both of the standing goatmen, their ears perk up and you see them look, into the trees behind you, and you hear a car pulling up. And as it pulls up, these two remaining goat men run away. And you hear snow crunching, and through the brush comes Barclay. He’s holding his car keys, he has a baseball bat in hand, and he surveys the situation, and he says,
- Barclay: Uh, okay, so it’s goat men this time?
- Duck: Yeah, apparently it’s, uh, goat men.
Griffin: He helps you up to your feet, and
- Duck: [Groans in pain]
Griffin: Yeah, he has a jacket on that he takes off and presses to the wound in your shoulder. Obviously, it’s not as bad as it would have been for a normal person, because you absorbed two of the harm with your chosen armor. But he says,
- Barclay: Alright, let’s get back to the lodge. Did something happen? Did I miss something? Was there another sort of big accident?
- Duck: Yeah, the… what do you call it, gondola? Sky gondola? Had a crash.
- Barclay: Yeah we need to get you back to the lodge and sew up that shoulder. Wh—
- Duck: I’ll be okay. Listen, can you get in there and check on everybody? I’ll be alright, I’ll wait in the car.
- Barclay: I mean I will, but I think we have a bit more of a pressing issue.
Griffin: And he looks down at the ground where there is still the injured goat man just kind of writhing. His bleating is getting a little bit quieter, it seems like his consciousness is starting to wane, and he says,
- Barclay: I don’t really know what to do in this situation.
- Duck: You don’t speak goat?
- Barclay: [Snorting] No I don’t fucking speak goat, why would I speak goat?
- Duck: That was racist, wasn’t it? [crosstalk] Shit, I’m sorry.
- Barclay: [crosstalk] A little bit, kinda.
- Duck: Yeah, I just assumed, he seemed like a Sylvane kinda—
Griffin: Barclay says,
- Barclay: Yeah, he does kinda look like a Sylvane thing, but he’s— he’s definitely not.
- Duck: Wait, w-wait, seriously?
- Barclay: I mean, he would be able to speak if he— I don’t know what this thing is, Duck.
Griffin: And the goat man on the ground is now looking up at the two of you and its breathing is slowing. You actually see, like, tears in its eyes. This being is looking up at you as the two of you are speaking. I think it’s stopped sort of crying out at this point and is just kind of quietly looking up at you.
- Duck: Alright, listen, [sigh], we gotta get this thing back to the lodge, or this, person—
- Barclay: [crosstalk] [stammering]
- Duck: I know, I know, I know, but look at it, man. It’s gonna die if we don’t do something. Hell, we got veterinary equipment down there, we could— somebody will be able to at least take a look, see if we could do something. Can’t just let the poor thing die. For all I know, there’s three of them on Earth. That’s not how I do it.
Griffin: He kinda laughs nervously and he goes,
- Barclay: We can’t tell Mama about this, okay?
- Duck: Yeah, man, it wasn’t high on my list, bud. I just wanna help the thing if we can. It’s kinda my fault, mainly Beacon’s.
- Beacon: Duck Newton, I will persist when you are dust. Do not take a moment to question m— [muffled, unintelligible speaking]
Justin: And I rolled him back up.
[Clint, Griffin and Justin chuckle]
Griffin: Okay, Barclay helps you pick this goat man up. I think, as you get it off the ground, it sort of bleats in protest for a bit. I think its shoulder hurts quite a bit as you lift it up, and the two of you manage to get it— it’s actually a truck that he is driving, it’s Mama’s truck, and Barclay helps you put him in the truck bed and then kinda looks around and realizes, “Oh shit, we don’t want anybody to see this,” and has a tarp back there that he covers the goatman up with, and the three of you head back to the lodge.
Let’s also resolve Aubrey and Ned, you all have just jumped out of a moving vehicle. Ned, you have just seen your automobile be destroyed as it sort of gets tangled up in the cable and counterweight and car. I think all of those things just kind of turned into a big, big ball and stopped just before running into the base station, and you all also came to a stop about 30 feet from the base station. You’re pretty close now, and you can actually see the engineer in there, Mark, I think, is what we named him last time. He is listening to some music on some headphones, and he has his back to this obviously wild, chaotic scene and just has no idea what happened behind him. What do you do?
Clint: We weren’t injured when we jumped out, were we?
Griffin: No, I think that the way we justified it is the sacrifice was the car, and I wasn’t gonna make you all, y’know, break all the bones in your body. You landed in—there was some thick snow here, so you landed in that and were pretty much okay.
Travis: But at this point, like… is the situation done?
Griffin: Yeah. Situation’s done. There is no more threat posed to the base station.
- Ned: So the car’s not… salvageable…? Would you say it’s totaled?
- Aubrey: Yeah, Ned, I’m gonna say it’s totaled. I hope you have insurance.
- Ned: [Sharply inhales] …Yeah!
- Aubrey: Oh Ned, oh no.
- Ned: Okay, I’ll tell you what. Let me get a few things out of the trunk, and then I guess we have to trudge back up the hill?
- Aubrey: I mean, I can call a Lyft. No, wait, there’s no cell service! Fuck!
[Griffin laughs]
Griffin: Got ya again!
Clint: Alright, so Ned goes and gets the Wookie costume out of the trunk. It’s… it’s unharmed.
Griffin: Sure, I love the sort of… unofficial bag of holding that Ned always has on him, where he just always has either one of the objects that we established that Ned had in character creation, or from Heathcliff, or just that you fuckingstole from some celebrity at some point. So I imagine [crosstalk]—
Clint: [crosstalk] My trunk of holding.
Griffin: Your trunk of holding, I imagine that there’s quite a few things. As you’re rooting around in the trunk, which, by the way, is pretty hard to get to, because it’s not much of a trunk anymore as much as it is, like, a can of Dr. Pepper that, y’know, a horse stepped on. [sarcastic] God, that’s a fuckingbeautiful metaphor, Jesus Christ I’m good at this. Holy shit. You guys are so fuckinglucky that you get to play this fucking game with me. [crosstalk, mumbling]
Clint: [crosstalk] You’re like a wordsmith!
Justin: [crosstalk, sarcastic] What a talent. The voice of a fuckinggeneration.
Griffin: Damn. As you’re rooting through, the engineer is alerted to the police sirens that are actually going off as these two sheriff station vehicles pull up in front of the base station, and you see two figures run inside. You see Sheriff Zeke and Deputy Dewey sprint into the station and start checking the area. And I think that they see you, and Zeke looks kinda surprised to see you, especially Ned—he notices you, Aubrey, but when he sees Ned, he’s like:
- Sheriff Zeke: Aw, fuck.
Griffin: Uh, and, the engineer walks over to the train-car-cable-counterweight situation, uh, and starts looking around, and says, he says:
- Mark: Hey, uh, are you two okay? You weren’t in the train, were you?
- Ned: No, no no no. Oh ho, gosh no. We, uh, avoided that. It was a close call, but ah, no, not on the train, not on the train. We were, we were in the car, ummm, uh… it’s terrible, terrible tragedy. Awful. It’s a one-of-a-kind, a collector’s item. If you know anybody who buys scrap metal, I uh, I’m, I’m, they could give me a call.
Griffin: Just, he’s, I think as you are speaking about, uh for some reason, in the moment of him discovering that the train has been destroyed, asking him about secondhand scrap metal retailers, he is now focused entirely on the train, and he says:
- Mark: Oh shit.
Griffin: And he runs back to the base station, and you see him pick up his radio, and try to contact the engineer back at the top, um, but then he puts the radio down and kinda looks at it and slaps it against his palm, and his— his radio has stopped working, uh and then he shakes it a little bit, and you see some brown liquid come out of it, and you see him kinda realise that the, uh, coffee that he was drinking earlier spilled onto the radio, uh which, which kept it from working. And he just starts, I think, walking up the hill just to make sure everybody at the top station is okay. And with that, Sheriff Zeke walks over to the two of you and says:
- Sheriff Zeke: All right so, so, it seems like it’s starting to become a bit of a, uh... habit with y’all, being right in the middle of the mess of things, lately, huh?
- Ned: Total accident, Sheriff. I, uh, was trying to uh, drive down the hill, to warn Mark, because we saw the funiculee-funiculah out of control, and so I was trying to drive down the, uh… new chains [laughs]. So I just thought, yeah we’ll just drive down, warn Mark, he’ll be okay. And... just, uh, the car, weren’t as good of chains as I thought, and uh, just drifted right into the path of the train. Terrible, terrible accident. Thank god no one was hurt, in— in this.
Griffin: Sheriff Zeke looks over at you, Aubrey, and sees you being kinda quiet, he says, uh:
- Sheriff Zeke: Are you— are you okay, miss?
- Aubrey: Uh yeah, like— like you said, you know, just, right place, right time? Wrong place, wrong time…
- Sheriff Zeke: It can’t be both, at— at once.
- Aubrey: Well, we did kinda save Mark, but also kind of wreck the car, so, you know. [Clint gives a long sigh] I would call it a win, but… Anywho, we should get going, uh…
- Ned: Yes, we’ve got a thing…
- Aubrey: Oh, right, yeah that thing, yeah yeah yeah yeah!
- Ned: That thing, Aubrey.
- Sheriff Zeke: Y’all this— this funicular’s been serving this town for a few decades now, and there’s been an accident, and— and I still don’t know what’s going on at the top station, I don’t know if anybody else has been hurt, and as far as I can see, Ned, your car crashed into a train, and all of it got wrecked, so, I— I… [half-laughs]
[Ned and Aubrey protest]
- Aubrey: Well, hold on. Talk to the, the guy at the top of the hill, and he’ll tell you the cable broke long before our car got in the way. We saved Mark— we saved the station! You’re welcome!
- Ned: We’re sorta heroes.
Griffin: He looks a bit caught off guard, he says:
- Sheriff Zeke: That don’t change the fact that now two days in a row something’s gone wrong in Kepler, and y’all have been at the scene, and—
- Aubrey: Yeah, but you’re here too, so, maybe...
- Ned: Hmmmm!
- Sheriff Zeke: I’m the fucking Sheriff! This is how it works, I’m always there when bad things happen!
[Justin chuckling]
- Aubrey: A likely story!
- Sheriff Zeke: Listen, I’m not— I’m not, y’all aren’t under arrest or anything, but—
- Aubrey: Okay, bye!
- Sheriff Zeke: Uh, but, Ned, would you mind just coming down the Sheriff station with me, just— just answer some questions. There’s— I need to know something, okay?
- Aubrey: Okay, Ned, seems like you got this?
- Ned: Whoa, whoa!
- Aubrey: So… [Ned: Uhh] I have to, uh, go… I’ve got that thing, like we said.
- Ned: The thing, the thing, yeah. Yeah. I’ll— I’ll go with the sheriff, and, uh, Aubrey, you go do the thing, and make sure that the thing is... okay, with the thing?
- Aubrey: Sounds great.
Griffin: Do either of you know what he’s talking about?
Travis: No.
Clint: I don’t even know what I’m talking about.
Griffin: Fantastic.
[Music]
Griffin: Duck, you and Barclay have managed to get this goat man back to the uhhh, base… uh, the base?
Justin: The base? That sounds very militaristic, I love it.
Griffin: Back to Amnesty Lodge, back to the Pine Guard headquarters, underneath in the cellar. Uh, Barclay hops out of the truck as you all get there, and sorta gives you like a “hold on” signal, and then runs inside, and comes out, and says:
- Barclay: All right, Mama’s not here, I think she’s out running errands or something, but uh, uh, we’re in the clear.
Griffin: And he helps you get the goat man inside. Uh, and up on the— I don’t actually know what your sort of veterinary-infirmary situation looks like, can you sort of— can you describe, like is this something that Duck knows how to do? Or what— what, what are you sort of envisioning this scene looking like?
Justin: Duck is probably— probably first aid, I would think, as far as like, what he can do. That seems to me to be logical, like he’s not a… serious, you know— he’s not an animal physician, but I think he probably is aware of, um, you know the basics. So what we’re talking about in this area, I think you can imagine a... metal table, in the middle of the room, and then some like, uhhhh, like formica counters sorta surrounding it with wood cabinets above, sort of cheap wood cabinets, that are filled with all manner of, you know, tinctures and medications— tinctures sounds fake. [Laughs] Medications—
Griffin: [Laughing] Salves—
Justin: Salves, and po—
Travis: Yeah, some ointments, linens—
Clint: Unguents? [crosstalk] Some unguents?
Griffin: [crosstalk] Potions, uhh…
Justin: I’m uniquely positioned to keep continuing to crank out synonyms here, after recording the Sawbones audiobook [Clint laughs], so we probably want to stop this game right here. But that is— there is also a scale in the corner of the room. And that is sort of what, uh, we’re looking at here.
Griffin: Okay. Um, so, first off, as you all come in, Thacker, who you’ve seen down here in sort of the little kitchen-dungeon area that Mama set up, every time you all have been down here, Thacker has just sort of been comatose, just sort of lost in whatever state that he is in, seated criss-cross-applesauce, just kind of in the middle of the kitchen there. And as you all come in, and this goat man is starting to shout a little bit more, not— not super loudly, not shout, but sort of starting to make some animalistic noises, Thacker actually looks up, and comes up to his knees, and is just sort of surveying this scene quietly.
You get the goat man laid out the table, and you’ve definitely seen like some cuts and bruises on the trails, and from people sort of hiking Appalachian trail and sort of, getting some grisly wounds along the way. You know that miraculously— or perhaps not miraculously, you don’t really know what the physiology of this thing is— they, they don’t seem to have hit an artery or anything like that.
This thing is obviously very, very injured, with a wound that goes, you know, clean through, but there’s not like a ton of blood. So you get the impression that, you know, maybe you can just seal this thing up and, you know, give it some antibiotics, or something? I don’t wanna sort of tell you how this scene works, but you get the idea that like, you, this is maybe a little bit above your paygrade but you could take a shot at it. Treating this thing. And you have Barclay also helping you out. I think Barclay is actually helping hold this thing down, because every time you get close to this wound, it gets super scared again, it gets very, very scared.
- Duck: Okay. So, there’s a wound right here, uhhh, I, what do you think, clean it? Definitely wanna clean it with alcohol first. I remember that, yes. Alcohol, clean with alcohol first.
Justin: So I go and get the bottle of alcohol from the shelf—
Griffin: Okay.
Justin: I get a clean rag, and I— you don’t really think of clean rags, do you? [Griffin and Justin laugh] Hand towel, dump some alcohol on it, and I say, uh,
- Duck: Sorry?
Justin: And then I pour alcohol on to the wound.
Griffin: I’m tryna think of the best way to do this. I want to you maybe Act Under Pressure and we can let it ride for like this whole process, like this is [laughs] “Duck performing surgery” roll, and we will, we’ll see how it goes. That’s plus cool.
Justin: All right.
Griffin: All right!
Justin: Seven. That’s more like it. Now we’re cooking with dice.
Griffin: [crosstalk] Seven plus—
Justin: [crosstalk] Plus cool—
Travis: [crosstalk; like a TV show host] Cooking with dice!
Justin: [chuckles] Uh, nine.
Griffin: Uh, nine! Okay. On a mixed success, the keeper’s gonna give you a worse outcome, a hard choice, or price to pay. I think the price to pay is… the goat man just screams. Just screams, as soon as the alcohol touches the wound, he screams, and looks terrified, has like, it’s like he’s never felt pain before? And this is a very bad pain? And he screams, and then, I think faints. And is— is now just, uh, completely unconscious. Which is gonna help things, but uh, as he screams, above you, because this is the cellar beneath the Amnesty Lodge, you hear a chair scoot back? You hear like the [chair-across-floor screeching noise] and then you hear footsteps sort of rushing toward the front door. And Barclay looks up at you, and his eyes get wide, and he says:
- Barclay: Uh uh I-I-I got this? I guess keep sewing him up?
Griffin: Barclay almost looks like he’s like, uh, you know how like when you get in a really bad situation that you’re completely out of your depth, it can be almost like… funny? [Justin: Yeah.] Like you almost are like “this sucks, so bad?” I think he’s kinda in that state? He’s like, “oh good, somebody’s coming down to check on the monster we kidnapped.” He races up the cellar stairs and shuts the door behind him, and you actually hear him talking to Agent Stern, just outside of the cellar. What else do you do?
- Duck: Uh, all right. So we, uh, gotta, uhhh… [thinking noises] Let me get the suture kit, uhhh, out here. I’m really [sigh], oh man…
Travis: Now, I am curious, how much of is this Duck not knowing what to do, and how much is Justin not knowing what to do? [laugh]
Justin: I mean I’m trying, it’s little bit of, you know, I try to bring a little bit of myself to every character I play, Trav. [Travis and Clint laugh] Uhhh, alright.
Griffin: I don’t know— I don’t know why Duck Newton would have more surgical experience than Justin McElroy [Justin: Right.], and so I’m totally fine with how this is playing out.
- Duck: I, listen, uh, I’m gonna be, here’s the one thing I will say to you, the one thing I don’t know is, like, anaesthesia, I wouldn’t begin to know how much to dose you for that, so this is gonna hurt a lot, man, I’m really… uh, I’m really sorry. Do you wanna bite down on something, or? All right…
Griffin: Uh, the goat is unconscious.
- Duck: It’s unconscious. All right, well, at least there’s that. Uh, all right, so, I neeeeeeed the… needle driver, and uh, the— the forceps, and scissors, needle and thread—
[Griffin laughing]
Travis: Somebody’s googled!
Griffin: [Laughing] A phone with Google on it.
Justin: This is what it says on the inside of the suture kit. I’m reading the inside of the suture kit, okay?
Griffin: [Amused] Okay.
Justin: These are the things that are in there.
Griffin: Sure. Let’s not, for some of our more squeamish listeners, let’s not do an in-depth, you know, nasty suture scene.
Justin: How ‘bout this: I sew him up.
Griffin: Okay.
Justin: And I, yeah. Duck has probably sewed things before, so he is competent at least at that, and then he knows to like put some like antiseptic on it, cover with clean bandages, et cetera, et cetera.
Griffin: Yeah. Well, let’s hop into like, in the middle of this process, I’m not— we’re gonna let that nine roll, and the price to pay is that Barclay was sort of peeled off. Uh, while you were in the middle of this process, it is uh, it’s starting to get a little bit later in the day. As you are in the middle of sewing, uh, I think you are startled as you hear from behind you:
- Minerva: Duck Newton! Are you prepared for t— [pause] Duck Newton? What is the meaning of this?
Griffin: And behind you, uh, appears Minerva.
- Duck: Minerva, your timing sucks. Um, I, [sighs]. This goat…person… man, whatever, was— got hurt, and I’m just trying to, uh, keep it together long enough to save its life. You don’t know anything about… sutures, do you? I don’t even know if you have flesh, actually, come to think of it, right? You’re like a ghost.
- Minerva: I’m not a ghost, Duck Newton, I have f— is this creature you’re tending to a foe?
- Duck: Ah, you know, I don’t know. I think so. My gut tells me that this guy and his buddies are what’ve been responsible for some of the bad stuff that’s been going down lately, I can’t say for sure, but uhhh, yeah, I mean, I… Beacon almost cut his head off, and like, I felt like shit about it honestly, and he was hurt and I was just trying to fix him up. I don’t know, for um, for information, you know? We could grill him, or something.
Griffin: She shakes her head, and she says:
- Minerva: Beacon tried to do what Beacon is supposed to do, what you’re supposed to do! It— Duck Newton, dispatch this beast at once. It’s vulnerable to you! Strike true! Drive your beacon into its heart!
- Duck: Uhh, listen— I was about to say let’s put it to a vote, but—
- Beacon: Yes, let’s see how—
- Duck: No, we’re not doing that. I’m not going to kill an unarmed, unconscious creature in cold blood! I’m not gonna do it. Especially when I don’t know what his intent is!
Griffin: She shakes her head and looks down for a minute. And we’ve talked about how you always see her in silhouette so it’s actually kinda hard to read her, but she is, she is furious. You can tell just her like, from her body language. And she says:
- Minerva: Your job is not to befriend your foe, Duck Newton, it is to vanquish them. It is to leave them no quarter, no hope to which to cling. Your calling is to paint your besieged homeland in the blood of those who would see your world destroyed! Now strike, Duck Newton!
- Duck: You listen to me. I’m gonna save this weird goat, and then I’m gonna try to teach it English or some shit [Clint laughs], and I can figure out what’s going on here. If you continue to push me to kill this thing, I will walk away from all of this. And if you need evidence that I am not kidding with you, look at the past fucking 20 years, Minerva. I’m gonna do this on my own terms. Now, unless you can hold a thread, I would ask that you leave me the fuck alone, and let. Me. Sew.
Griffin: She freezes, and she puts a hand to her forehead, um, and you can see her silhouette starts to tremble a little bit, and she says,
- Minerva: I— I…
Griffin: And then she disappears. And you finish your operation. And the goat man stabilizes. He’s still unconscious, he is— and again, this is probably something you’ve seen on the trail, maybe with some of the gnarlier sort of injuries that have come through the ranger station [Justin: Mmhm], he’s in shock. And he is, he is alive, and not bleeding anymore, and you can actually tell you actually did pretty good stitches here.
And umm, he is laid out to rest, and you, I— I— it’s a couple hours later, and you’re keeping an eye on him, and something happens that hasn’t really happened before, which is twice in the same night, Minerva comes back. Usually she just comes at the same appointed time that she always comes back, and now she’s making a second appearance.
And she shows up, as you sort of see her appear, she is standing still, and you hear that blues music that you heard so many months ago, when she tried to appear to you, and you saw her sort of frozen in place. Um, and you can’t hear her, and you get the impression she can’t hear you, and she becomes unfrozen, and sorta holds up a finger, sort of telling you wait, and eventually that music fades, and she speaks, and she says:
- Minerva: I owe you an apology, Duck Newton! I was trained in my order’s temple for nearly a century, but it seems that you just— you can’t train temperance, can you.
- Duck: Listen, I’m sorry that I kinda snapped at you. I was under a lot of pressure, and I’ve never had to sew a … well, neither a goat nor man, to say nothing of a goat man, so it was pretty intense.
[Clint laughs]
- Minerva: Yes, I … I hope you don’t think less of me, Duck Newton. Um, training a champion remotely like this requires— it requires absolute trust, and if that trust was harmed, Duck Newton, it would make me a less effective tutor to you.
- Duck: Nah, we’re fine, just try to remember next time. I don’t know a lot about sword fighting, and you know, flips, and kicks, and stuff, but I spent my whole life trying to figure out how I think about stuff, and in the woods you get a lot of time to sorta go back and forth on that sort of thing, and... I know where I stand, Minerva. I know where I stand.
Griffin: She sits down, which you’ve never seen. You see her pull something, actually, she walks away from you, and you see her sort of miming almost, as if she’s pulling a chair over, and she sits down. And she takes her hand, is kinda rubbing it over her bald head, and she looks at you and she says:
- Minerva: I think that will serve you better than any training I could ever give you, Duck Newton. Um. My… [sighs] There are things I haven’t told you Duck Newton, because if I told you them, they would damage the trust that we have, that trust that is imperative to this process. My rage towards your world’s assailants, Duck, is born of my own world’s destruction. My— my home, Duck, my planet. Mira-Lavineax Orbital Body Five. Or Five, for short. It’s a bit of a mouthful— it was, it too was connected to another place, far-flung from our own world, and like your world, ours become tethered, and the beings that poured through that fissure, Duck… We lost, and we kept losing. And that is why my passion manifests as fury, Duck. I know your toil, and it makes me tired.
Griffin: She says. And I— I wanna drive home, you have never seen anything like this [Justin: From her, yeah] from Minerva. She is always sort of this larger than life, always bombastic, sort of uh, warrior-champion, um, and, this is not, this is not that.
- Duck: I’m, uh… Damn, Minnie. I’m really sorry about your world, and everything. That’s— that’s tough.
Griffin: She puts up a hand, and stands up, and she says,
- Minerva: Please, just forget about this conversation, Duck Newton. You need further training, and my lessons will not be as effective without your complete trust.
Griffin: She looks around and she says:
- Minerva: My time is almost up. Your visions, Duck, are you still having your visions?
- Duck: Yeah, um… they’re kinda back and forth on whether or not they’re helpful or not, but I’m still getting them.
- Minerva: And your latest vision?
- Duck: Uhh, yeah, it was a real barn burner, [laughs] honestly. A meteor destroying everything. It was pretty intense.
Griffin: She takes a step back and she says,
- Minerva: Are you abs—
Griffin: And then she vanishes.
{42:05}
Griffin: Okay, Ned, you are in the sheriff’s office—you’re not in a cell or anything like that, I think you’re just sort of in a holding room. There’s a table and… Deputy Dewey has come in a couple of times just to make sure that, y’know, “Do you need anything, do you need some coffee or a Diet Coke, or…?” Those are really your two options. I guess water, you could also have? Just sort of making sure that you’re taken care of, you are not a prisoner at this time.
- Ned: Cronuts…? Any chance that you have cronuts?
- Deputy Dewey: I mean, I could whip you up some donuts?
- Ned: Uh, cronuts. It’s sort of, like, half-croissant, half donut— and I don’t mean, like, left side is a croissant, other side is donut— it’s sort of like a donut, but with layers and— nevermind. That’s alright. No…
- Deputy Dewey: I mean, I’ll get on AltaVista and find a recipe…
Griffin: [Chuckling] And he walks out of the room, off to AltaVista. And a few moments later, Sheriff Zeke walks in, and he sits down across from you and he… doesn’t really know how to treat you. Your last interaction with him was on the front porch of his house as you were trying to get Calvin to come out and help you fight the water monster. And he brushes his hair back and he says:
- Sheriff Zeke: I need you to start by telling me why you were at Leo’s place when the Pizza Hut sign fell down.
- Ned: Uh… picking up a ‘za! We had ordered— I think it was… they had a buy one get one? They had a bogo? With two toppings? And breadsticks. And… y’know, the weather was so bad, I didn’t want some other poor citizen out driving around in that crap! So, um, I was driving down there to pick it up myself, and… just happened to notice the impending disaster and… well, being the hero that I am, I sprang into action to help Leo and all of his friends.
- Sheriff Zeke: And with the funicular, you just happened to be there also when the brakes failed?
- Ned: Well, we were going to go do a little snowboarding. My friend, Jake Cool-Ice, had told me that there was some rad— thrashing boarding going on there, man, so we were heading down to, uh, y’know, hit the powder, as they say. Because I was so shook after the Pizza Hut thing, I needed to get my mind off of it, and… it just seemed like a little extreme board action was just what the doctor ordered.
Griffin: He chuckles, and he says:
- Sheriff Zeke: Well, I got a theory. You wanna hear it?
- Ned: Of course!
- Sheriff Zeke: I think, maybe, business has been a bit slower at the Cryptonomica since your big Bigfoot sighting and… I think, maybe, you’re trying to drum up a bit of holiday traffic. Trying to make some supernatural mischief happen all around town. Maybe chalk it up to, I don’t know, man, the Jersey Devil or some sort of alien or something?
- Ned: Well, let me ask you a theoretical question: would something like that be, y’know, a misdemeanor, or would that be, like, a felony…? Y’know, just pranking around like that? I mean, I’m not saying I did, but, I mean, if that were something… that would probably be a minor… something you could pay with a small fine, right?
- Sheriff Zeke: One: no. Two: that’s not a denial, Ned.
- Ned: Well, then I’ll deny it. Categorically deny it. Y’know, I have other ways of promoting—you know, I have a new TV show, it’s the, um… Saturday Night Dead. We’re having a Krampus festival, did you know that? A holiday… Krampus, Krampus 2, Krampus Unleashed—matter of fact, if you would like to be on the show, I would love to have you make a guest appearance!
Griffin: He smiles and he says:
- Sheriff Zeke: Yeah, I seen your show, Ned… I like those old movies.
- Ned: Thank you.
Griffin: And he reaches into his jacket and pulls out a pack of cigarettes and he says:
- Sheriff Zeke: You mind?
Griffin: And he starts to light one up.
- Ned: No, certainly not. … Not a lot.
Griffin: [Chuckles] He smiles and he says:
- Sheriff Zeke: Ned, I know that you and I, we have our differences in how we think this town should run, but… I know you didn’t have anything to do with the train. It’s a bit curious how your car ended up tangled up, but I guess you stopped it from killing ol’ Mark, so I guess we do owe you, I don’t know, man, a key to the city or somethin’? I’ll talk to the mayor, I dunno.
- I know that… Ned, I see every stiff that comes through this place. Do you think I don’t know that something’s wrong with this town? You’re fairly new in town, Ned, you never got to meet Sheriff Nealy, he served before me, taught me everything I know. He died in the woods, back in 1991. Bear attack, they said. So, I took over his office.
- It’s been nearly 30 years since then, Ned, people still wish they had him over me, and I don’t blame ‘em, cause there’s plenty of folks in this town who know enough to be afraid. You were at the tram and you were at Leo’s, I bet you had something to do with H2-Woah debacle that happened a few months back, too… all I wanna know is what’s going on in my town, Ned, so I can stop it. If there’s anything you know, anything that can help me out, anything that sounds beyond belief… I’ve tried everything else. I’m all ears, Ned Chicane.
- Ned: Sheriff… may I call you Zeke? Good. You know what? I’m just gonna tell you the truth. I’m just gonna spill the beans. Now, that isn’t such a big deal because I’m not really sure what the beans are. But I think we’re on the same side! I think we’re both on the side of the angels, whoever the angels are, and there’s weird shit going on around here, and it sounds like it’s been going on for a long, long while!
- And I’m hooked up with a couple of people that are… I’ve come to kind of care about and depend on and… and they’re involved in some wild, crazy shit! And I just kinda go along for the ride. I don’t have any answers, except to tell you: you’re right! There’s something really weird going on, and I would just as soon have you for a friend and an ally as an opponent! So, I’m not sure what I can tell you, because I’m kinda clueless.
Griffin: Let’s firm this up: are you wanting to initiate Sheriff Zeke to the best of your ability? I know that you’re saying that Ned is fairly clueless, and I don’t know how much of that is your understanding of what Ned knows, ‘cause, I mean, Ned went to another planet, right. Ned went to another planet, Ned has killed two Abominations, Ned knows about the Pine Guard— Ned knows quite a bit. Are you letting on a little bit without sort of giving away the whole thing, or what’s… what’re you doing with Ned right now?
Clint: To be honest with you, I think Ned feels a little overwhelmed? And I think, you know, Ned has spent all these stories, basically— I mean, he’s gotten closer to Duck and to Aubrey, uh, but you know, at his very heart Ned’s not a hero, and I think he’s kinda looking for any kind of support he can get. No, I don’t think he wants to tell the Sheriff everything but I think, maybe there are things about himself that maybe it’s time for him to, you know, break down the facade a little bit for somebody who might be able to help him.
Griffin: Uh, okay. He says:
- Sheriff Zeke: I need you to understand where I’m coming from, Ned. I’m— I don’t believe in the bullshit that you peddle at the Cryptonomica, let alone the idea that there are actual things that go bump in the night. Are you saying that, there is some sort of supernatural danger here in Kepler?
- Ned: Let me put it to you this way Sheriff, because I don’t think I have done anything illegal… lately. There’s something going on here, and I guess the way I would put it to you is: maybe you ought to buy a little bit of the bullshit that is the Cryptonomica. Maybe you should have an open mind and when I can tell you more, I will tell you more.
Griffin: When you say specifically “you should buy some bullshit from the Cryptonomica,” I think he laughs out loud, and lets you sort of finish your thought, and he puts out his cigarette and he says,
- Sheriff Zeke: I don’t know why the fuck I’m talking to you about this, Ned Chicane, I don’t why I thought I was gonna be able to get a straight answer outta you. I tell you what, you’re not under arrest or anything, but why don’t you sit in here for a bit, and I gotta file some paperwork, and then I’ll come and, uh, we can get you home. [Forcefully] How’s that sound, Ned?
- Ned: [Forceful, insincere] Sounds great, Zeke.
Griffin: And uh, he stands up, and I think he stands up pretty fast, I think his chair actually falls over as he does so. And he’s a bit little pissed off, he thinks you’ve sort of taken him for a ride a little bit, I think he’s mostly angry at himself for like allowing himself to sort of start to buy into it? And I don’t want to sort of take away the fact that you are opening up a bit to him, I think that you have said things to him that are going to sink in, but I think in this very moment I think he’s thinking, “I just wasted my fucking time,” and he storms out of the holding room.
And you’re sitting in this holding for a little bit, and I think just being in a sheriff’s office kind of takes you back, maybe returns your thoughts to all of the other, um, corrective institutions you have, uh, been fortunate enough to visit during your career of burglary? I wanna, we haven’t really talked much about Ned’s history, and so I like wanna get into it a little bit as long as we have this, like, solo scene. And I don’t know how much thought you’ve given to this, but how did Ned get into burglary?
Clint: I think Ned has— he kinda saw himself as like a Robin Hood, you know, almost like a treasure hunter. Ned just had the physical gifts, the mental gifts, for [laughs] for theft! Never anything armed robbery or anything like that, he was more of a cat burglar. [Griffin: Sure.] And usually, tried to steal things that had been stolen, so that he was stealing them from thieves. And that’s where a lot of the—
Griffin: Now, I do wanna address the fact that you have stolen so far, canonically, an Oscar I think from Clooney, you’ve stolen a NERF gun prototype from the inventor of nerfs, I don’t know that necessarily they were thieves.
Clint: Not exclusively… Robin Hood…
Griffin: [Laughs] Okay, maybe once or twice you stole something from thieves and that’s how you sleep at night, but most of the time it is sort of—
Clint: Well, I think he started off as just a flat out burglar who liked to collect weird shit.
Griffin: Okay.
Clint: But then I think he kinda saw… There was an incident in his past where he saw that that was not good, and he basically had a life-changing moment. He had an incident where he just decided this was not for him anymore.
Griffin: I do also want to drive home that the final burglary you ever did was Aubrey’s house, which I don’t necessarily know that that was an entirely altruistic heist. And we can get into that, that you know, maybe that one was a bad one [chuckles].
Clint: That was, that was— that’s what I’ve been thinking.
Griffin: Okay, that was like a nice opportunity, and so you kinda broke your own rules a little bit just to get the sweet score. Okay, we also haven’t talked much about your partner. So let’s like— I don’t know if you have any ideas as to like how the two of you met, but I have like kind of a scene I think could be fun? Um, if you’re cool with that?
Clint: Go for it. Go for it.
Griffin: So you are— it’s a long time ago, I don’t think you’re in West Virginia, you are— you tell me, did you have a base of operations for your cat burglary operation, or were you just sort of all over the place?
Clint: … No, nah, he just kinda traveled. He loved traveling by train, by rail. And he never had, like, a locked down base of operations. Or bivouac.
Griffin: Okay. Let’s say you’re in Connecticut somewhere, in a fairly rural part of Connecticut, where the houses are nice and they are secluded. You are in the middle of… not, like, a huge haul, but a safe haul, which, I think, for a career burglar is what you go for. It’s not all about the, like, Ocean’s Eleven million-dollar getaways as much as it is the grind “I can do this and not get caught”.
You are actually in the middle of a house that is being fumigated. So, the family is not present. There are some neighbors nearby, but you are inside this house that is inside a giant tent and you have a uh, a gas mask on that is protecting you from the bug spray that is happening in this house. And I think you can maybe even smell it, a little bit, inside the gas mask, but it is protecting you from harm. And as you are sort of poking around this house and having a leisurely robbery, um, you turn a corner into an office and you see a figure actually also robbing this room of its valuables. And this figure turns towards you, and he’s wearing a gas mask too, and the two of you are just kind of… frozen in place as you run into another burglar in the middle of this scene… of your crime. Uh, what do you do?
- Ned: Um, pardon me, sir. Uh, I’m, uh, Larry, I’m with Terminix. You are really not supposed to be in here while we are fumigating… while we are uh, clearing out this residence. So you… you probably need to leave immediately.
- Bob: Okay, well I’m um… Bob. From Pest Blasters 5000, and you’re not suppo— [amused] what are we doing?
- Ned: What?
- Bob: Are— are we both going to pretend then that we are both in the trade of killing bugs or are we going to fess up? This is… I have to admit, I don’t know the protocol here. This is uh, this is unprecedented for me.
- Ned: Look, there’s obviously been some kind of advanced scouting mistake, uh… you are obviously well entrenched here. Why don’t I just, why don’t I just leave you to it, and let you get about whatever the hell it is that you’re doing, and I will find another place to, quote unquote, “Get rid of vermin.”
Griffin: He says, uh,
- Bob: Alright there, Larry. That works for me. I’ve scouted this place out for quite some time, and uh need, I’m a little cash light right now so I could use the um—
Griffin: And through the tent, you can see through the windows, it’s like this big red and yellow circus tent almost, you see lights flashing against the side of the tent. Blue and red lights. And, uh, you know that there are police officers outside. And Bob says,
- Bob: Well, uh, Larry. [Laughing] It seems like we’re… well and proper fucked, huh?
- Ned: Yes, but, do you know of uh, any back door to the house, or root cellar, or anything so we can get unfucked by leaving?
Griffin: He just starts moving at this point because you hear officers start approaching the front door and start trying to figure out how to, like, get through this bug tent. And he runs to the back door and tries to open it, and sees that the tent is sort of surrounding it also, and then runs to a basement door, which he tries to open, but finds its securely padlocked and he starts trying to kick it down and its not working.
- Ned: Please, allow me. Do you mind?
Griffin: He steps back, and Bob allows you access to the lock.
Clint: I know I can do this.
Griffin: Uh, probably Act Under Pressure.
Clint: Act Under Pressure? Alright, Act Under Pressure. Alright, so…
Griffin: Is this one— let’s establish this, I know— I don’t think you have, like, a skill that’s like, or uh, or you tell me actually. I don’t know:
Clint: Well there’s burglary…
Griffin: Yeah this is your first time actually doing some burglary even though it’s, like, in a flashback. And uh, the Crooked, let’s see… “When you break into a secure location, roll plus sharp. On a plus-10 pick 3, on a 7-9 pick 2: You get in undetected, you get out undetected, you don’t leave a mess, you find what you were after. So let’s do that. We have never done that roll before.
Clint: Alright.
Griffin: And we can say that this break into a secure location is this robbery.
Clint: I rolled a 7 +2 sharp.
Griffin: So that would be nine. Okay so pick two. You get in undetected… let’s take that one off the table. You got in undetected until I guess you ran into another burglar in this place. You get out undetected, you don’t leave a mess, you find what you were after.
Clint: [Amused] We get out undetected!
Griffin: Sure, and you get one more. You don’t leave a mess, you find what you were after.
Clint: Okay, find what you were after.
Griffin: Okay! I think that just means like, you get a sack of loot. [Laughs] You did very well on this robbery. And I think that Bob did too, Bob also has a satchel that he has stuffed full of stuff. And, uh, you manage to get the basement door open and run down the stairs and uh, Bob turns on a flashlight, he actually has a head mounted flashlight, and you see some stairs leading up to a cellar door that is unsecured and unlocked. And Bob pushes it open, and the two of you hop a fence, and make it out okay. I think actually that Bob helps you up over the fence first. It’s a very, very tall fence, and you actually hear police officers coming around the side of this backyard that you are in and start opening up the gate that would allow them access. So he is moving quickly, and actually lets you get up… first? Which is maybe more noble than the average burglar? And he manages to skitter up the fence himself and the two of you manage to get off to safety.
And after you’ve made it a certain distance, you come to a hill by the roadside where these police officers are and the two of you roll down it and are sort of laying with your backs up against it waiting for the police officers to leave and Bob takes off his mask. And uh, what’s— what’s your partner look like? We also don’t know his name; I’m sort of leaving that up to you unless you wanna keep calling him Bob and Larry, which is fun, but it’s also the Veggie Tales.
Clint: Boyd… Mosche… is his name. M-O-S-C-H-E. Boyd Mosche. Um, he’s uhhh, a big guy. Like Michael Phelps, kinda tall, you know, fairly athletic. And just a hard looking guy. He’s— He’s just, he looks, you know what I mean? I mean he looks like a… he looks like a badass.
Griffin: Okay, we can leave it at that, and just sort of leave the rest up to the audience’s imagination. He takes off his mask and you see this, you know, this— this chiseled jaw. This very physical looking dude, who takes the mask off and looks over at you and kinda like gives you a kinda like panicked smile. The two of you kind of lay there… quietly for a bit? Until the cars start to roll away. And he uh, he looks up, and makes sure the coast is clear, and he comes back down to you on the hill and gives you a thumbs up and says uh:
- Bob: That was a bit closer than I uh, I like to come to the fuzz. Um, alright, you seem trustworthy… as trustworthy as we come.
Griffin: And he offers you a hand and he says:
- Boyd: Boyd Mosche.
- Ned: Hello Boyd, nice to meet you. My name is Arturo Copperthwaite.
Griffin: He shakes your hand, and he laughs, and he says,
- Boyd: No it isn’t.
[Ad break]
Griffin: Hey everybody, this is Griffin McElroy, your dungeon master, your best friend, and your… thirsty boy. And I don’t— I don’t mean that in the horny way, I mean I require fluid.
{1:05:19 - 1:10:16}
[music]
Griffin: So, Aubrey, you have headed to Sylvain. Um, I think that— let’s address this. Have you been back to visit Janelle and like do your magic lessons? It’s been a couple of months now since you were sort of first introduced to the world of Sylvain and Janelle sort of told you to come back and she— she wants to study you just as much as you want to learn from her. Is this the first time that that has happened or have you done this a couple of times now?
Travis: I— I would say that, like, it’s probably happened a couple of times um but very, like, cursory check in, no big advancements or anything along those lines. Like, thing as if we are talking in terms of Karate Kid, this is still like the paint the fence, wash the car kind of thing, and not—
Griffin: Yeah. Or to like, put it in the terms that we’ve already established, she has studied you and you have not learned anything from her. Which is probably frustrating. “Do your thing, do your thing, do your thing, I want to test your natural aptitude before we actually get into the…” and maybe you’ve started to think “Maybe she can’t teach me anything…?” Which is probably really frustrating to, like, be able to use magic and not trust this person is gonna be able to help you improve it or make it safer.
So you are in her chambers, in the castle in the center of the city. And this room is incredibly spartan. There is just a single desk in the middle of the room with a single book and a cup of tea on the desk. She keeps things super simple in here so she can focus absolutely on like the text she is studying at any given time. And as you enter, she gestures to sort of a large clearing in the room where there is a big circular rug laid out and she has had you sort of stand in the middle of that each time you’ve come in, and she says:
- Janelle: Okay Aubrey, it’s been a couple of weeks now and, let’s see how things are coming along!
- Aubrey: [Hesitant] No.
Griffin: I don’t think that she has any patience for this shit whatsoever, she like— she, this is a person that is responsible for discovering the magical cure that will save this world. As soon as you say no she says,
- Janelle: Okay!
Griffin: And she stands up [crosstalk] and she walks over to her desk—
- Aubrey: No you— no you don’t— you don’t understand. Can I— can we talk for a second?
Griffin: Uh, she sets her book back down on the desk and she sits down in this rotating chair at the desk, which she rotates around to face you as you stand in the middle of this rug and she says,
- Janelle: Okay! But I only have a few moments. What would you like to talk about?
- Aubrey: Wh— When I use magic, people keep getting hurt? And… I… can you make it… can you please take the magic away, please.
Griffin: [Surprised laugh/hum]
- Aubrey: I don’t wanna do it anymore. I can’t control it, and I just end up hurting people that I love and I don’t— I don’t wanna do it anymore. Please.
Griffin: In all of her years of doing this, I don’t actually know how long she’s been the Minister of the Arcane but she’s been like— she has known how magic has worked in this world for a while and has been a tutor to many, many people in its ways, uhh, she is taken back by this question. You get the impression that nobody has ever asked for this before. And um, and, I’m trying to decide out how she takes it, because you’ve actually caught me off guard uh, quite a bit. And she says,
- Janelle: Aubrey, I apologize. I have perhaps spent too much of our time together learning from you, without imparting my own wisdom to you. And for that, I believe I have wronged you. I need you to understand though, I cannot take your power away from you, Aubrey, because it doesn’t belong to you. It doesn’t… come from you. Do you want to know where this magic comes from?
- Aubrey: Yes.
- Janelle: What does it feel like when you conjure the phenomena that you conjure?
- Aubrey: I mean it’s hard to describe but you know how when like, you are getting tickled, and you laugh, and you don’t really laugh on purpose. And— but— it feels right and natural to do but you are not really thinking, like, laugh now. You are not reacting to a joke it’s just that— that the outcome— like I can’t think that I would like to make fire now but it’s there… when it’s the right reaction to have…? Does this make any sense?
Griffin: Uh, she stands up from her desk and um walks over to this pot and small ceramic cup and she pours you a cup of tea and walks over to you and hands it to you and this is already way more warmth than Janelle has ever shown you? And she says,
- Janelle: It is a reflex.
- Aubrey: [Relieved] Yeah, yeah it is like that.
- Janelle: That is not how it is for me at all, but that is what is so fascinating about you, Aubrey. And, I know that it must be frustrating, your mistakes that you have made with your magic, but these kinds of mistakes are to be expected! Obviously yours have been maybe a bit more destructive than most, but your magic doesn’t work the same way as everybody else’s.
Griffin: She pulls out a— she can see you getting frustrated and she says,
- Janelle: Let’s start with brass tacks.
Griffin: And she walks over to a shelf and pulls out a scroll which she unfurls on her desk. And she kinda beckons you over off of your training rug — which is something I think you use to kennel break dogs so maybe there’s a different word for it — and she gestures to this parchment and you see a map of the planet of Sylvain. And there are these lines that criss-cross the entirety of the map, almost like parallels and meridians on an Earth map, and the all connect in the middle. Not in like the middle of the depicted surface of the planet, but in the center of the planet. And she says
- Janelle: I cannot take your power away because it is not yours. It is the planet’s. Every planet, Aubrey, ours, yours, all the planets in the sky are living beings. And I don’t mean that in a new age kind of way, I mean that quite literally; it is a living, sentient, being. We named ours Sylvain, you named yours Earth. They likely have names far more ancient than those but we need to call them something. And like you’ve figured out, magic doesn’t work like it does in your stories. You don’t cast fireball when you want to summon a fireball, when we use magic we aren’t channelling some energy within ourselves, we are beseeching the planet to change itself, to meet our needs. Improving your magic, Aubrey, making your magic safer, is simply a process of learning how to ask for that power more specifically. It’s— it’s to become a better conversationalist.
- Aubrey: I’m trying, I— it’s hard for me, I’m not— you know, I’m not a good listener. Are there other types of magic besides just like, the fireballs, you know, I— can you teach me how to heal?
- Janelle: There is no healing magic, Aubrey, just as there is no fireball magic, there is no earthquake magic. You ask for healing, and if you ask correctly and your voice is heard, the planet will… heal! You are thinking of this power as something you master, the specific channels of. It is not like that. You can do anything, Aubrey. As long as you ask for it and as long as the planet abides, but, where I struggle to teach you, Aubrey, is that the reflexive magic that you use, it is not like ours.
- Our magic is so much more difficult. Which may be frustrating for you to hear, but there are those who train for decades, centuries, even, Aubrey, and can’t produce even more than a candle flame. What you have done so quickly, this magic that comes as second nature to you, it is unique among any creature who has ever walked the— either of our planets before you.
- Aubrey: But why? I don’t deserve it, I can’t use it, I hurt people— I don’t want to hurt people anymore.
- Janelle: Then… don’t! I don't know how to put it any more clearer than that.
Griffin: She gestures for you to actually sit down on the chair, she sees you, like, getting upset.
- Janelle: The reason that you have been hurting people Aubrey, is because you don’t understand what you are capable of. It is a kind of doubt. And I know it doesn’t work like this I don’t have perhaps the best… people skills, I know you can’t just tell a person not to doubt anymore. But that doubt has kept you from knowing your full potential, Aubrey. It has not allowed to learn the difference between burning flame and a healing, warming flame. You have to lean into this power, Aubrey, if anything else, walking away is not going to do you any good. A dull knife is far, far more dangerous than a sharp one. Does any of this make sense?
- Aubrey: Yes… but… it doesn’t change the fact that I’m afraid.
Griffin: She smiles, actually, when you say that and she says,
- Janelle: [Laughs] Now that is one thing that I do understand.
Griffin: And she walks over to the window of this room and opens it, and opens the curtain in front of it and gestures outside and you see the courtyard outside of the castle, with that big orange crystal and the line of Sylvains waiting to receive their allotment of power from it. And she gestures towards this scene and she says,
- Janelle: What do you see, when you look out there?
- Aubrey: I— I see a crystal that I’m not allowed to touch.
Griffin: She smiles. She says:
- Janelle: That is the last hope of a people that is yet to realize that the land that they walk on is dying. It scares the hell out of me, Aubrey. There are those that believe that the centuries of assaults on ours world from yours has left Sylvain weakened and unable to support the life that clings to her surface. There are those that believe her affliction is terminal, that the planet is dying, that the corruption that lies beyond our city’s gates is just one of the many symptoms that accompany the… sunsetting of our world. Or maybe it’s already dead. Maybe we are just siphoning the last bit of warmth from—
Griffin: And you hear someone clear their throat by the entrance to Janelle’s chambers, and as you look towards it, you see the young girl who greeted you on your first visit to Sylvain. The interpreter, the sort of unofficial ruler of this land, and Janelle bows quickly as you can kinda tell that she’s embarrassed that the interpreter walked in during her talking about the end of the world, and the interpreter says:
- The Interpreter: I apologize for my intrusion, Miss Janelle. Woodbridge seeks audience with you in my chambers. He has an adjustment to our rationing that requires approval of the full council.
Griffin: And Janelle turns back to you, Aubrey, and says:
- Janelle: Aubrey, I know you are scared. But that fear, that fear is the reason why your powers are as unpredictable as they are. You need to trust yourself, Aubrey.
Griffin: She actually takes your hands, and she says:
- Janelle: You are unlike anyone I’ve ever met. Your powers, [laughs] your powers rival my own, Aubrey. And you have been doing this for approximately 15 minutes. If I had what you had, I know I would have fixed this kingdom a long time ago. Your power is rare, and I know it is scary, but it is a beast you must tame, for the sake of both of our worlds.
- Aubrey: [Solemnly] I’ll try.
Griffin: She nods, and walks out of the room. And the interpreter turns to face you and gives you a little bow, and she says,
- The Interpreter: Again, my sincere apologies—
- The Interpreter, in echoed tone: [Angrily] I wish she would stop coming here. It’s her world’s fault that Sylvain is dying in the first place.
Griffin: And the words you just heard did not match up to the mouth movements that she made. You get the impression that she actually asked you a question with the words she was speaking and she was waiting on a response.
- Aubrey: I’m sorry?
- Interpreter: I said, do you need an escort t—
- Echoed Interpreter: She is just as bad as the rest of them. She’s just taking what she wants with no concern for our people.
- Aubrey: Uh… uh, escort… back to the— is everything okay?
- The Interpreter: Yes, everything’s okay I just—
- Echoed Interpreter: God, she can’t even pay attention for a moment! Even in the presence of royalty!
Griffin: And with that she kind of, um, smiles and nods, and you get the impression that she just said bye to you in some way with her mouth words, and she starts to leave.
- Aubrey: [Offended] Okay, bye!
Griffin: And… she walks out of the room. I think you find your own way out of the castle and as you sort of walk through the big double doors leading out of the castle, the serenity of this entry hall is shattered by this ringing of alarm bells in the distance off to the west by this huge wall that surrounds this city, protecting it from the darkness beyond. And suddenly, all of the soldiers here in the entry hall rush out, and you see the courtyard evacuated as the guards out there also rush towards the sound of these bells. And the people waiting in line are scared and so frustrated that their wait has been interrupted, they clear out too. And a couple of guards rush past you and they say— they tell you to get to safety, because there is something trying to break through the wall at the edge of the city. And you are in the courtyard alone.
Travis: [Determined] I would like to touch the crystal now, Griffin.
[Clint laughs]
Griffin: Why don’t you Act Under Pressure for me. Tell me how are you touching the crystal?
Travis: Just like, so lightly, just like, because on one hand, okay, let me explain myself. On the one hand, Aubrey knows that she’s like, not supposed to. And like, after the kindness that Janelle has just shown, doesn’t want to like, ruin anything. But on the other hand, I think she really has it in her head that interacting with the crystal in some way will like recalibrate her, or power, its… something will unlock, or something she’s supposed to do.
Griffin: I love that. I love that not because I’m just saying, “You are correct, you’ve solved my crystal puzzle,” I love the idea that Aubrey is just like, “If I just touch the crystal I’ll be able to do magic again.” Okay.
Travis: Yeah.
Griffin: So are you just rushing up to it, are you proceeding with caution?
Travis: Yes, definitely caution and like, she’s just gonna like, touch it with one finger, um, and as she does, she says,
- Aubrey: I’m sorry.
Travis: And then touches it. So I rolled a 6 and my Act Under Pressure— ooh, I don’t get any plusses. But I’m gonna use luck! Because this is very important—
Griffin: You are burning through that luck, my man.
Travis: I’ve only used 3!
Griffin: Okay, um… so that bumps you up to a 12. Correct, which is you do what you set out to accomplish, which means you touch the crystal unbothered. Okay, um, as you reach towards the crystal, like, just as the skin of your finger makes contact with it,
[reversed, haunting music begins]
It pulls in your whole hand. Your whole hand is in the surface of this crystal. Both of them are pulled in to its surface almost magnetically. You feel, Aubrey, you feel all of the moisture in your body is being pulled out through your palms. You can’t breathe, because you are convinced that in this moment there is nothing to breathe, you feel your consciousness falling away from you, almost like you were pushed down a well, and the world is getting much, much, much farther away.
The prevailing feeling you have right now, in this moment, is one of absolute certainty: that you are dying as you touch this thing. And, eventually, you push backwards off of the crystal. And you fall back, away from it. And as you fall, you haven’t taken any harm from this thing that has just happened as you touch the crystal, which is the good news. As you fall, you land in a flower bed. It is a bed of these beautiful wildflowers, just blooms of reds and whites and yellows and dark purples, all surrounding this crystal, spreading across just a huge swath of the courtyard. And they were not there a moment ago. They look beautiful; it’s kinda hard to appreciate them because you kinda feel like dogshit, a little bit, and as you sit up from these flowers, you catch a glimpse of yourself in the crystal. You are sweating up a storm, you look and feel a little feverish. There is one detail that really stands out. What color are Aubrey’s eyes?
Travis: Uh, they are... Brown. But in a kinda, like just a pretty light… [crosstalk] you know, ahh.
Griffin: Okay.
Clint: Like a hazel, maybe?
Griffin: Sure.
Travis: Is hazel brown?
Griffin: I— I have no idea. Uh, okay, your left eye is that color. Your right eye is now this dark orange hue, with like a starburst of lighter orange just around the pupil. And you catch a glimpse of your new eye color in just this one large smooth facet of the crystal, and its new tint is nearly fading away in the gemstone’s brilliant orange expanse.
[music]
It is the following morning, and the three of you have regrouped back in the Pine Guard HQ underneath the— underneath the Amnesty Lodge. Duck, what have you done with the goat man? I think the goat man has been— has been stabilized, and you sort of kept vigil throughout the night, and he seems to be okay. He had a little fever, actually, sort of in the early hours of the morning, but it has broken. He is still unconscious, and— do you just have him sort of loose still, sort of just like out on the table?
Justin: He is handcuffed to the table.
Griffin: Okay.
Justin: Can’t be too careful. The door to the, uh, InFURmary is—
[Travis and Griffin groan]
Griffin: Oh, man!
Travis: Oh, okay! Yeah!
Clint: Wooooo!
Justin: That’s locked—
Travis: Yeah, he did it!
Justin: And there’s a big sign that says, like, “Caution: Bird Flu,” or something. Yeah, it says that. [Griffin laughing] It says that, it says “Caution: Bird Flu.”
Griffin: Okay. So nobody—
Travis: Caution: Bird Flu Inside, and it’s kind of spelled out like the Walking Dead, you know?
{1:31:12}
Griffin: Okay, I like that. Are you trying to keep this thing secret from your— from Ned and Aubrey, or— what’s like your— ‘cause I don’t wanna— I didn’t imagine the Infirmary being its own—
Justin: No, they can know about it. I was trying to keep— I don’t want it to be, like— I don’t want to have to discuss this with everybody at Amnesty.
Griffin: Okay. All right. I mean, let’s have that scene, of you sort of revealing your new friend.
- Duck: All right. Y’all come to the Infirmary for the second, I want to show you something.
- Aubrey: What, and get bird flu?
- Duck: I— yeah, it’s a clever ruse.
- Ned: InFURmary! Okay, now I get it! Yeah!
Travis: Griffin, did Aubrey’s eye remain that orange color or is that just a temporary—
Griffin: [crosstalk] Aw yeah, baby. Oh yeah.
Travis: She’s wearing sunglasses, for sure.
Griffin: Okay!
- Duck: So, um… you’re gonna feel some impulses so probably… get your dander up when we go in here. I need you just to keep it calm, I spent all fucking night trying to keep this thing alive.
Justin: And then I open the door to it.
- Aubrey: Oh.
- Duck: Yeah.
- Ned: A goat.
- Duck: Well, no, it’s, I mean you look at the legs and you can kind of see, [Ned gasps] yeah.
- Ned: It’s Pan!
- Duck: No—
Griffin: [crosstalk] No, we’re not crossing over.
Justin: [in Duck’s voice] No, it’s not. There’s no crossover here, sir. There’s no sat— there is nothing satirical about this creature.
Clint: I had to go there!
Justin: [in Duck’s voice] Ah, well I’m bringing you right back. Um, yeah.
- Aubrey: Um, Duck?
- Duck: Yeah?
- Aubrey: Who is this?
- Duck: I don’t know. It doesn’t speak English, or, like, Human, as near as I can figure. And I— Well, Beacon really, almost cut its head off, and you can see it kind of jacked me up pretty bad—
- Aubrey: Uh-huh.
Justin: I think I’m healing okay— One harm, I’m fine—
Griffin: [crosstalk] Oh yeah, you’re totally fine, your one harm you had is gone by this point—
- Duck: Yeah so, I was just hoping y’all would have some ideas.
- Aubrey: About— Ideas about the goat man?
- Duck: Yeah, like how to figure out its… plan? Now that I’m saying it it does sound pretty fucking dumb.
- Aubrey: Um, excuse me, mister goat man? Um, could— what— hi!
- Duck: Yeah we covered no English or Human tongues as far as I know.
Griffin: Um, are you—
- Aubrey: [crosstalk] Right right right.
Griffin: Um, the goat man is unconscious at this moment, are you trying to rouse it now to converse with it, Aubrey?
Travis: I mean, that seems like step one.
Griffin: Okay, um, it awakens—
- Ned: Aubrey—
Griffin: [crosstalk] It awakens—
- Ned: —ask him if his name is Mr. Tumnus.
- Aubrey: I won’t be doing that, Ned.
Griffin: It awakens peacefully as you sort of rouse it and it sits up and sees the handcuffs attached to its wrist, I think it tries to pull away just like once and then it looks down and then kind of just stares at the three of you with just sort of obvious curiosity and—
- Aubrey: H-Hi!
Griffin: It just looks at you, Aubrey, is staring at you.
- Aubrey: My name is Aubrey. Hello. Are you okay?
Griffin: It doesn’t respond.
- Ned: Have you tried feeding it?
- Duck: Yeah, I mean, it’s had a fever, and I thought you were supposed to feed a cold, starve a fever, I thought that was it but I couldn’t remember—
- Aubrey: Can we say them? It’s— like— it feels— [to goat man] I’m so sorry about them. Um, so—
Travis: And Aubrey points to the wound.
- Aubrey: Are you feeling better? Does that hurt?
- Duck: It doesn’t speak English. I mean, we can like—
Griffin: He points to— puts his hand on his wound and doesn’t really know how to respond or anything like that but he just reaches up and touches it and just puts his hand back down.
- Aubrey: Okay, um, I’m gonna try something.
Travis: And Aubrey closes her eyes and says—
- Aubrey: I would like to speak to this creature.
Griffin: Uh… okay. This is a— I’m guessing a Use Magic, what would this sort of— what category are you assuming this would fit under?
Travis: Um, so there’s actually part of Use Magic that is Speak To… let me see where it is…
Griffin: [Leaned back from mic] Communicate With Something You Do Not Share a Language With, holy shit!
Travis: [crosstalk] There it is.
Griffin: Fucking holy damn!
Travis: I’ve been waiting to use that shit this whole time, that’s a seven—
Clint: For five seconds.
Travis: No like since I saw that on there. That’s a 7+2, so a 9.
Griffin: Alright. You choose the effect and the glitch, okay, Aubrey? You pick one of the following glitches: the effect is weakened, the effect is of short duration, you take one harm ignore armor, the magic draws immediate unwelcome attention, or it has a problematic side effect.
Travis: Um… Ugh, see, I want to say “the effect is weakened.”
Griffin: Okay. Yeah that’s fine. Here’s what’s happened. You touch the goat man, and—
Justin: “Touch the Goat Man” was the name of my first studio album. [Laughter] It was not well received.
Clint: [Tune of Shock the Monkey] Touch the goat man! [Clint and Justin mimic guitar riff, Travis laughs.]
Griffin: You touch the goat man, Aubrey, and you make some magic. And it actually does feel a little bit different than it has felt in the past. Ned and Duck, you see this faint sort of orange light just sort of pulsate out of where Aubrey touches the goat man. And the goat man sort of— is a little scared of this at first and starts to pull away but then just kind of sits there for a bit and just sort of takes the touch. And Aubrey you pull your hand away and this goat man is now still looking at the three of you.
- Aubrey: I’m Aubrey.
Griffin: It sort of— now it’s kind of scared again, because it just heard you say something. The goat man like, yelps a couple of times, just bleating, just—
- Goat man: [bleating] Baaa. Baaa!
Griffin: And, uh, looks at you, Duck. I think this— he’s sort of looking at all of you panicked, but when it’s the most scared it looks to you because you are the one who saved its life and it definitely knows that.
- Duck: Aubrey, I don’t mean to be judgey but it seems like your spell didn’t quite take hold.
[The Adventure Zone: Amnesty Theme by Griffin McElroy plays]
Griffin: And with that the goat man stands up from the table and sort of gets yanked back by the handcuff attached to its wrist and looks at you Duck, and he smiles and he says—
- Goat man: [clears throat] Duck!