| “ | Sounds like our boys are having the SLIME of their lives! I can BEAR-ly contain my excitement! It's the Adventure Zone! | ” |
—The Announcer
Synopsis[]
Full transcript available here.
Wonderland has revealed itself as a genuinely unsafe place for our heroes to be. Can they make forward progress in a cyclical game designed to extract raw anguish from them? Can they reach their distant goal before they've sacrificed too much? Magnus goes spear fishing. Merle is the MVP. Taako has a spot of bad luck.
WONDERLAND: ROUND ONE START []
Hero's Turn!
Taako casts Disintegrate. A thin green ray shoots out of the Umbra Staff, which Taako is holding between his butt-cheeks, and towards the Multiplying Regenerating Poisonous Slime. He succeeds! Multiplying Regenerating Poisonous Slime takes 67 damage! Multiplying Regenerating Poisonous Slime splits into two smaller slimes.
Enemy's Turn!
Multiplying Flying Electrified Dire Bear creates a Dire Bear made from electricity. Multiplying Flying Electrified Dire Bear #1 and Multiplying Flying Electrified Dire Bear #2 swoop down and take a swipe at Magnus. #1 succeeds! #2 misses! Magnus takes 21 damage! Multiplying Flying Electrified Dire Bear #1 attempts to electrocute Magnus. Magnus saves!
Multiplying Regenerating Poisonous Slime #1 and Multiplying Regenerating Poisonous Slime #2 attack Taako. #1 succeeds! #2 succeeds! Magnus blocks #2's attack. Taako takes 11 damage! Multiplying Regenerating Poisonous Slime #3 attacks Merle. #3 succeeds! Merle takes 5 damage!
Hero's Turn!
Merle casts Flame Strike. A huge pillar of flame appears and encompasses Multiplying Flying Electrified Dire Bear #1 and #2 and Multiplying Regenerating Poisonous Slime #1, #2, and #3. Slime #1 fails to save! Slime #2 saves! Slime #3 fails to save! Bear #1 saves! Bear #2 fails to save! Multiplying Flying Electrified Dire Bear #2 and Multiplying Regenerating Poisonous Slime #1 and #3 take 29 damage! Multiplying Flying Electrified Dire Bear #2 is slain! Multiplying Regenerating Poisonous Slime #1 and #3 are slain! Multiplying Flying Electrified Dire Bear #1 and Multiplying Regenerating Poisonous Slime #2 take 15 damage!
CLINT: Did I just kill three creatures? JUSTIN: That’s great Dad, congratulations! CLINT: Christmas came early this year! JUSTIN: 2016, not all bad.
Magnus uses Waterskin on Rope. Magnus ties Rope to Chance Lance and Grappling Hook. Magnus hooks Grappling Hook to metal. Magnus throws Chance Lance at Multiplying Flying Electrified Dire Bear. He succeeds! Multiplying Flying Electrified Dire Bear takes 8 damage! Multiplying Flying Electrified Dire Bear's wings burn up and it is now grounded. Magnus attacks Multiplying Flying Electrified Dire Bear with Railsplitter. It's a critical failure!
GRIFFIN : You do some badass shit and send this dire bear crashing to the ground, and as you approach it to attack it with your ax it looks at you with a sense of respect, but then you like whiff. So bad. TRAVIS : So hard! GRIFFIN : And then that bear is like: [confused, disappointed grunting].
Taako suffers a case of bad luck. Griffin makes Taako roll a dexterity saving throw. He fails to save! Taako feels something or someone tap his shoulder, and he turns around to see that a couple of nuts and bolts have fallen onto the ground. A washing machine sized piece of industrial machinery falls from the ceiling and onto Taako, trapping him underneath!
JUSTIN : … You’re gonna kill America’s favourite wizard. TRAVIS : As played by Adam Sandler. CLINT : Use your butt power!
Taako takes 39 damage! Taako is prone. Taako casts Blink. Taako disappears from under the machinery and into the ethereal plane. Taako sees the same small vaguely humanoid creatures with bright, white eyes that he's seen the last few times he's blinked, but this time there are hundreds of them, all of them staring at him and lining the walls. The creatures scurry back into the walls and blink from existence.
Enemy's Turn!
Multiplying Flying Electrified Dire Bear creates another Dire Bear made of electricity. Multiplying Flying Electrified Dire Bear #2 swipes at Magnus. It misses! Multiplying Flying Electrified Dire Bear #1 shoots a bolt of electricity at Merle and Magnus. Merle saves! Magnus saves!
Multiplying Regenerating Poisonous Slime regenerates back to full size. Multiplying Regenerating Poisonous Slime swings at Magnus. It succeeds! Magnus takes 15 damage!
Hero's Turn!
Merle casts Wind Wall. A wall of strong wind blows towards Multiplying Flying Electrified Dire Bear #1 and #2 and Multiplying Regenerating Poisonous Slime. Multiplying Flying Electrified Dire Bear #1 saves! Multiplying Flying Electrified Dire Bear #2 fails to save! Multiplying Regenerating Poisonous Slime fails to save! Multiplying Flying Electrified Dire Bear #2 and Multiplying Regenerating Poisonous Slime take 16 damage! Multiplying Flying Electrified Dire Bear #2 is slain! Multiplying Regenerating Poisonous Slime is slain! Multiplying Flying Electrified Dire Bear #1 takes 8 damage!
JUSTIN : I never thought I would say this out loud but, thank God for Merle. CLINT : Yes! [in a singsong tone] Thank God for Merle~! Thank Pan, I’m sorry, thank Pan.
Magnus tries to bait Multiplying Flying Electrified Dire Bear with Jerky. It's not very effective... Magnus takes a bite of the Jerky and flips off Multiplying Flying Electrified Dire Bear. Magnus attacks Multiplying Flying Electrified Dire Bear with Railsplitter two-handed. He succeeds! Multiplying Flying Electrified Dire Bear takes 8 damage! Magnus uses Goading Attack on Multiplying Flying Electrified Dire Bear. He succeeds! Multiplying Flying Electrified Dire Bear now has disadvantage on attacks not against Magnus. Magnus attacks Multiplying Flying Electrified Dire Bear with Railsplitter two-handed. He succeeds! Multiplying Flying Electrified Dire Bear takes 19 damage! Magnus uses Cunning Action, and moves 10 feet away.
Taako appears back into the material plane. Taako casts Ice Storm. A forty foot high cylinder of rock hard ice falls towards Multiplying Flying Electrified Dire Bear. Multiplying Flying Electrified Dire Bear fails to save! Multiplying Flying Electrified Dire Bear takes 19 damage! Multiplying Flying Electrified Dire Bear is slain!
After the battle has ended, Merle attempts to heal the party, but finds his spell only half as effective as it usually is. And as soon as the spell is cast, the Vogue Elves chime in to let the boys know that healing is "cheating," as it is technically trying to get back something that was sacrificed, and the boys suffer necrotic damage equaling the amount that was healed, thereby canceling out the healing. The elves tell the boys to "smile, and show your opponents how well you did!" and a panel in one of the walls turns into a screen showing the group that betrayed them, two halflings who promptly flip them off.
The boys hear an unfamiliar voice coming from somewhere in the room. They follow the voice and find Cam, a disembodied head and fellow participant in Wonderland. He tells the boys that he's been in Wonderland for a while now and that he got screwed over by the person he was traveling with. He also explains that the Vogue Elves are liches who are using the suffering of participants in Wonderland to fuel their powers.
Once they realize that they are stuck in an endless cycle of suffering, Magnus calls for a group meeting in his pocket workshop. He tells the others that in order to break free of this "rigged game" they will have to change the game, and suggests that Taako come up with a code word they can use when they see an opportunity to do so. Taako suggests "sauté," and they all agree.
Cam asks to come with the party. Though he would be able to offer advice and information on Wonderland, the boys would have to take on his sacrifices when the time came, as Cam, being nothing but a head, really had nothing more to give. Magnus tries to get around the extra sacrifices by keeping Cam in the pocket workshop.
However, when they enter the room containing the Wheel of Sacrifice, Wonderland isn't fooled, and they still have to make the extra sacrifice on Cam's behalf. In addition, the elves explain that the sacrifices this round will be "a little bit brutal" compared to the last round. When Magnus asks if they can quit and leave Wonderland, the elves laugh and tell him that once you enter Wonderland you have to finish. Taako asks if they actually can finish, and the elves assure them they can. One elf apparently looks through some paperwork to see what it is the boys are trying to win in Wonderland, and when they find it they laugh, and the ringing of a bell is heard.
The Money Zone[]
Sponsored by NatureBox
Empire of Imagination: Gary Gygax and the Birth of Dungeons and Dragons by Michael Witwer
Personal message for Lara, from Jesus and fam: Hi Lara! We are so proud of you. You just finished a wonderful thesis film and graduated! We are about to celebrate our fifth anniversary, and - oh yeah! Happy birthday! With all these events over these three months, hopefully we'll hit one of them. We love you, and wish you the best of luck with your internship, and we know you will have a bright future.
Personal message for Rebecca and Dwayne, from Kenny and Liz: Bix and Olive: Congratulations on your engagement from simpleton half-orc Dennis and your fumbling DM. Who'd've thought a bookish, possibly gay elf lady and a bumbling, sunburnt dwarf could make such a great pair? May your lives together be filled with 20's, and may you be strong enough to deal with the 1's when they come. Also, my hands are rats. Congrats!
Featured NPCs[]
Featured Music[]
Featured Locations[]
Quotes[]
Pop-Culture Bears[]
CLINT: [referring to Dire Bear] Oh, this is that big ass bear from the Dark Towers series! GRIFFI: Oh shit. TRAVIS : Also, Mor'du from Brave. There’s a lotta big bears in pop culture. CLINT : Yeah, the big polar bear from The Golden Compass. TRAVIS : The dad from the Berenstain Bears. GRIFFIN : How do you know any, how do you remember any of- yeah, the dad from The Berenstain Bears: the famous mechanical bear. [In a low, deep voice] “I don’t even know how I had you kids. I’m all cyber parts.” CLINT : Paddington at the very end when the magic spell hits him and he turns into a fifty foot high bear, goes crazy. GRIFFIN : Mmhm. Hey Taako, you gonna– what’s- TRAVIS : Corduroy. GRIFFIN : Hey, what’s the magical plan, Taako? CLINT : We talk about cinematic bears? TRAVIS : We can talk about bears some more, do you guys remember Corduroy when he- GRIFFIN : Oh, I just don’t want this episode to be this whole fight. I would like to do other stuff as well.