| “ | Does anyone have Anthony Michael Hall's phone number? Because we're about to encounter some Weird Science. It's the Adventure Zone! | ” |
—The Announcer
Synopsis
Full transcript available here.
Our heroes make their way into Lucas's floating, crystallized lab, and face off against their deadliest foe yet. Will they thrive under the pressure of an apocalyptic time limit? Or will they waste too much time just standing around, debating the names of members of the band U2? Magnus gets caught fibbing. Taako learns about a Grandpa. Merle gets Touched by an Angel.
The moon base has moved closer to Lucas’ floating lab. A gnarly winter storm has begun--gnarly as in bad, not gnarly as in awesome. The reclaimers can’t rappel down to the lab because the rope would just turn into crystal after hitting it, so they’re to be hurled down there in a gondola enchanted with a levitation spell. (The Director: "I would be lying if I said this was the safest thing.") Avi pushes Killian, Boyland, and Carey Fangbattle off the moon base in one gondola, then pushes Taako, Magnus, and Merle off in another. As they fall down to the lab, a squall kicks up, and the regulators’ gondola is thrown off trajectory and out of sight.
The reclaimers land safely on the surface of the lab, and head down a rope through a hole in the ceiling of a conservatory, 40 feet down. They argue about the pronunciation of “rappel” for a minute, then roll athletics checks. Magnus gets down the rope easily, like a veteran gym teacher, but Taako rolls a 5. He uses Feather Fall on his umbrella to get down, and takes Merle with him, to prevent him from getting rope burns on his hands.
The trio land in an artificial forest, now coated in pink tourmaline. There’s some ambient crinkle-tinkles, like in a Mario ice level. There are two paths before them: one leading to a pond, and another leading to a garden. They see a faint circle of white light and metal from across the pond, so they head there.
JUSTIN: 20. There’s my good roll, I’ve been waiting for those good good rolls, and it’s when I need to look at a bunch of fuckin crystals.
As they approach, the crinkle-tinkle noise grows louder. It starts to form music, and they hear a voice that sings the following:
Pulled from my home inside a cloud
Lost to the dark I drift alone
Now I’ve returned from beyond the shroud
Ever to reign upon my throne
Here in my Crystal Kingdom
A rift in the fabric of space appears before them, and a small light pops out and drops onto the pond. There’s a loud sound, and a huge chunk of crystal forms up out of the pond to create a large crystalline golem. The creature is 15 feet tall, has claws and pointed feet, and is suspended in midair. Magnus lies to his shield about killing a crystal monster, but he fails his bluff check.
The creature eyes them menacingly. Magnus intimidates it a little, and Merle begins to cry. The white light inside the golem glows brighter, and it points to Merle with a claw and growls “You…”. Magnus attempts to hit the monster for 13 damage, but actually does 6 damage. He hits it again for 9 damage, which is actually 4. This leads him to conclude that this guy is strong, y’all. The golem starts towards Magnus, but turns and attacks Merle instead, resulting in 19 blunt damage. Merle casts Guardian of Faith, which causes a large spectral guardian carrying a sword and shield to appear beside him. It looks like Della Reese, and Griffin really wants there to be some Touched by an Angel-style fanfiction.
Taako casts Shatter, causing 21 damage. One of the golem’s arms explodes. (It was his baitin-it arm. Grossarooney.) However, more pieces of crystal fly into the golem to form another, deadlier-looking arm. Magnus brings up the concept of running away. (“Sometimes, Magnus rushes out.”) Taako is amenable to this idea. Merle calls them both “a bunch of honeys”, but when Taako reminds him that if they die, the show would end, and they wouldn’t get any more MaxFun donations, and Merle runs away screaming. As they run away, Della Reese strikes the golem, stabbing it through the middle for 40 radiant damage. The light pops out of the golem’s chest, and it flies back into a rift in space. Della Reese turns to the trio and quips, “Looks like someone got touched by an angel.”
They make their way to a circular hatch, the first arcane airlock. They determine that Merle’s status as a cleric must be why the golem had singled him out. Lucas’ voice comes in from the pendant, and remarks that he doesn’t know what could be attacking them, or where the voice came from. They pass through the airlock, and come to a junction with two hatches. One is marked “Research Material Storage Chamber” and the other is marked “The Magical World of Elevators”.
JUSTIN: Griffin’s really sticking it to people who say he’s not allowed to have elevators.
This decision’s easy: it’s elevators. The three enter into what appears to be a museum, with exhibits that all feature elevators. Lucas explains that the lab has been in his family for generations, and his mother’s will required him to keep the museum intact to honor his grandfather’s greatest invention. He talks for a while about feeling that he’s living in his grandfather’s shadow, and Taako reassures him.
Griffin bemoans the fact that the episode ends here, and not right after Della Reese stabbed a crystal golem with a sword.
GRIFFIN: Della Reese shows up and stabs through an elevator. She says, “Well I got a taste for it now.”
Money Zone
Sponsored by Drunks and Dragons.
Message for Marvey from Alden: Merry Christmas, Marvey. I am so proud of you for following your dreams and going to grad school. I know the transition is hard, but you are so strong and are handling it great. I love you and know you will be the best. Alden.
Message for Nicole from David: Nicole, thank you for helping me through a rough time. You’ve always been there for me, and I’ll always be there for you. You’re the best not-a-girlfriend a guy can ask for. Just always remember, Josh loves Donna.
Featured NPCs
Featured Music
Featured Locations
- The Bureau of Balance
- Lucas' Lab
Quotes
A Way With Words
CLINT: Can we rap-ell down the wall? GRIFFIN: I think rappel is like how a human being would pronounce it. CLINT: Uhhh, I think it’s rap-ell. I think the accent’s on the first syllable. JUSTIN: Can we, uh, robble-robble down the wall?
Imitating the golem:
JUSTIN: (in a deep voice) You... 2 is one of my favorite bands. You know, their late work doesn’t get enough credit but they’ve been in something of a renaissance for the past half decade. Bono is still one of the most electrifying frontmen in the business today. I saw their show in Leeds, it was amazing
Re: The Crystal Golem
JUSTIN: So what’s this guy vulnerable to? GRIFFIN: Insults. TRAVIS: Global warming. GRIFFIN: Just--time. The erosion of time. TRAVIS: The bite of a jealous lover.
Taako has totally been paying attention
MAGNUS: The regulators? You know, the ones who were supposed to back us up. MERLE: They’re doing a great job so far aren’t they? TAAKO: Where are they? MAGNUS: They got blown away, in the gnarly storm. TAAKO: Oh, man, like The Martian. Love that book. Listen... okay? We’re done here.