Transcript by the lovely volunteers at TAZscripts.
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Griffin: Previously on The Adventure Zone,
- Director: The Bureau of Balance has a singular purpose, and that is to collect and destroy weapons of mass destruction: what we call The Grand Relics. You will be reassigned to lodging more deserving of your accomplishments, and to that end we’ve hired a new seeker whose sole responsibility will be providing you with live intel when you’re hunting down a Grand Relic.
- Angus: Hello sirs!
[Travis, Justin, and Clint gasp.]
Travis: It’s the boy detective! It’s Angus!
- Lucas: We don’t know anything about this creature, and we’re putting all of our faith into it!? My name is Lucas.
Taako and Merle: Lucas Humanman...
- Lucas: And-and I’m asking him to let me take it back to my lab and just see if I can figure out what makes it tick.
- Taako: [laughing] So are you part of the Bureau of Balance or what?
Griffin: You eye him over, he does not have a bracer.
Clint: Oh, I do not like this guy.
- The Announcer: Where is our campaign going next? A haunted amusement park? A haunted...candy factory, I don’t know, it’s The Adventure Zone!
[INTRO MUSIC: "Déjà Vu" by Mort Garson]
Griffin: Let’s start producing content together, the four of us.
Clint: Content time!
Travis: [under his breath] Contented, contented.
Griffin: [laughs] Time to make the content. The- we’re about to start a new leg of our adventure, do you guys have any ideas as to where I’m about to whisk you away?
Justin: If I have learned one thing in the ensuing year since we began this podcast, it is don’t try to guess [starts laughing] where Griffin is taking this trip!
Griffin: Where do you want-
Travis: I will say, Griffin, I’m very worried that this is the episode where you add in, like, a lovable nephew character.
Griffin: Oh shit.
Travis: Oh wait, that’s Angus isn’t it! You son of a bitch, you already did that!
Griffin: Yeah, uh-
Travis: Angus is like our- who’s that kid from The Brady Bunch? Oliver.
Griffin: He’s like when Leo DiCaprio came on Growing Pains. Pretty soon the franchise isn’t gonna be about the three of you chuckle-fucks at all. It’s gonna be all Angus all the time. Dad, how are you feeling by the way? Let’s do a quick dad health check.
Clint: I- I feel much better, thank you to the outpouring of love and a little bit of hatred that came from all of our listeners-
Travis: Welcome to podcasting!
Griffin: You still–
Clint: Everybody was really nice and very kind, sent along healing words.
Griffin: Yeah, I’m glad you’re back in good health. You do still sound like two big piles of garbage rubbing up against each other.
Clint: Well I’m gonna- I guess I’ll be in character voice the whole time.
Travis: So you say that, Griffin, but I think he has an interesting jazz blues voice.
Griffin: That’s- that is fair.
Clint: Kind of like Bessie Smith.
Griffin: Uh, enough tiddly-shittin’ around.
Clint: Yeah!
Griffin: Time to get to the content. Um-
Clint: Content!
Travis: Content!
Griffin: Uh, before we start this- this leg of the adventure, um, I have an important question for all three of you and that is, what did you get each other?
Travis: What?
Justin: For...what do you mean?
Griffin: Because it’s Candlenights!
[BACKGROUND MUSIC: ”Fantasy Candlenights” by Griffin McElroy]
Griffin: It’s Candlenights!--
Travis: Oh!
Griffin: In the world of The Adventure Zone, it’s Candlenights all around-
Travis: What synergy!
Griffin: All around Faerun, it’s actually a different Candlenights, it’s not quite the same as the one that we celebrate here on Earth prime. Uh, but it is Candlenights, it’s a weeklong holiday celebration, you know the world of The Adventure Zone is about as panreligious as it gets, so everybody just kind of stopped doing their own, you know, ritual celebrations ‘cause it got sort of complicated, tracking who was partying down on what and everything just kind of organically congealed into one super-holiday.
Justin: I’m gonna catch dad up on Candlenights super quick. Dad, do you remember all the Christmases we spent together as a family, uh, gathered around the tree and singing songs of Yule and basking in each other’s love?
Clint: [deadpan] No.
Justin: Okay, let’s try that again and you say yes to my fucking bit-
[“Fantasy Candlenights” fades out]
Clint: Oh, right! Got it, okay, sorry.
Justin: -Okay, and learn to do a joke for fucking once.
Clint: Alright, sorry. Okay. [clears throat]
Justin: Dad, you remember all the times that we spent uh, gathered around the hearth, basking in the Christmastime Yule spirit of each other’s love?
Clint: Aw, Justin, those are memories I’ll never be able to forget.
Justin: Well turns out you're wasting our fucking time.
Clint: Oh.
Justin: Cause just around the corner was a new holiday called Candlenights that was not only better, [Clint sighs, faking disapointment] than Christmas, it has absorbed Christmas and Hanukkah and every holiday.
Travis: Like Katamari Damacy.
Clint: I wondered why I hadn’t seen any TV commercials at all, hardly, about Christmas.
Justin: Yeah, cause Candlenights ate ‘em all. Solstice too, we won the war on Christmas.
Griffin: It wasn’t much of a war though, was it, it was an invasion.
[Clint giggles]
Justin: They didn’t even realize, they looked behind them, “What’s that knife to your throat, Santa? It’s me, Candlenights Santa.”
Travis: [laughs] I’m kind of like you but better.
Justin: Kind of like you but better, but I don’t have all your memories.
Travis: I must consume you!
Justin: [frantic] Please don’t ask Candlenights Santa questions that only Santa would know!
[They laugh]
Justin: [still frantic] Please, do not test Candlenights Santa, he will panic if provoked! [snorts]
Griffin: The Talented Mr. Santa Claus was my favorite Matt Damon/Tim Allen movie. It was about time that the two of them got together to work on a project. [Tim Allen grunt] Anyway, fantasy Candlenights shares a lot of the same sort of aesthetic inspirations as Candlenights because of its countless multiple religious sources, people just kind of do their own thing and it’s-
Justin: Yeah.
Griffin: And they’re just cool with it. There’s usually a tree or bush involved, or any kind of like, lush plant. Um, but that’s about the only staple. Right now the three of you are gathered around your own Candlenights bush, um, and, uh, you’re havin’ a little Bureau of Balance holiday party.
Travis: Is it like a white elephant, or more of a secret Santa, or are we just doing a straight-up exchange-
Griffin: It’s more of just a straight-up exchange. The three of you are actually in your brand new dormitory suite that you got set up in after your pseudo-promotion in the last episode. Uh, it’s been about a month or two since your last adventure and yeah, it’s wintertime, it’s Candlenights you’re in your dope suite and it is dope, you’ve each got your own sort of private sleeping chambers that are attached-
Justin: Bed? Our own bed?
Clint: Our own rooms?
Griffin: Yeah, your own sleeping rooms and it attaches to a shared living room, it’s a big space, it is a big step up from basically the dorm room you were sharing with Robbie, uh, AKA Pringles, uh-
Travis: AKA Jailbird, I miss that dude.
Griffin: Well, he’s in prison now, um-
Travis: He’s in prison.
Justin: [muffled] Not for long.
Griffin: Uh, so yeah, you’re having this holiday party, and you've got a pretty big living space to host it in, the coolest thing about this living space and, uh, is why the Director was hyping it up so much, it’s actually on the bottom of the moon base. You’ve got like, your own private elevator leading down to your- to your private living suite and you’ve got like a big, dome glass window underneath you. Just sort of looking down into, uh, down towards the Earth that you are floating over.
Travis: I wanna say that I know that this is a fantasy world in which Griffin is painting a picture with words, I literally just had like a real-life reaction [Clint laughs] to the idea of having a hole in the middle of my room that looks down thousands and thousands of feet-
Griffin: Yeah.
Travis: -my stomach just dropped into my testicles a little bit.
Justin: Was it a good reaction or bad reaction?
Travis: Bad.
Clint: Sounds bad.
Travis: Bad reaction.
Justin: Yeah, I don’t think I could acclimate to that.
Clint: Fantasy vertigo.
Travis: It’s like being on top of Willis Tower and standing on like, the glass windows?
Griffin: Yeah, sure.
[Travis grunts with discontent]
Justin: Hey Griffin I bought- I bought, can you write down in your book that I bought a rug for my room and put it over the hole?
[Griffin and Travis laugh]
Griffin: Yeah, you can do that. You, uh, you roll a rug over your big beautiful glass window, which seems to disappoint everybody in the room, cause you’re currently floating over Neverwinter? Which is ironic cause this is definitely winter. Uh, [Justin laughs] and the city’s all lit up with Candlenights lights but sure, you roll the rug over the room keeping me from having to describe things down below you anymore.
Justin: You’re welcome. That’s my Candlenights gift to you!
Griffin: [holding back laughter] Thank you.
Travis: Laziness!
Griffin: So yeah, everybody’s-- you’ve invited a few guests over, a few like, we’ll call them essential personnel at the Bureau of Balance. The Director showed up, uh, Avi showed up, he’s a little tipsy, uh, Killian is in the mix - Angus is there. You didn’t invite Angus…
Justin and Travis: Ugh.
Griffin: But he’s- you know him, he’s a detect-
Travis: He’s a real Angus.
Griffin: He’s a sleuth, and he figured out that you’re having a party and he rolled up and Johann is there, he’s playing some festive music on a fiddle and you’re having a good old time and yeah, it comes to the part in the holiday party when everybody exchanges gifts. And Johann walks up to the three of you and hands you all three very small boxes and he goes
- Johann: I hope you, I hope you guys like it. Um, I’ve been working on this one for a real long time and I thought that the three of you might, y’know, appreciate it and tell your friends about it.
Travis: Well I got this for y- wait, sorry, let me do my voice it’s been a while. [clears throat]
- Magnus: I got this for you, Johann, I carved you a small figure of yourself. Enjoy.
- Johann: Neat! Well, uh, where’d you um, where’d you get the wood for this?
- Magnus: Uh, I got it from your violin.
[Clint cracks up]
- Johann: Wait, which one? Not the- not the rosewood one, right?
- Magnus: Uhhh, you know, I can’t remember, it was the one with the tag from your mom-
- Johann: [angry] Well this is, this was rosewood, this figure you’ve handed me-
- Magnus: Uh-huh.
- Johann: So…
- Magnus: That’s how I knew you’d like it!
- Merle: You seem to really like rosewood and he asked us, “What do you think, would he [crosstalk] like the rosewood?”
- Johann: [crosstalk, angry] Oh so this is from all three of you then?
- Merle: No! No.
- Taako: No, I made macaroons.
- Merle: I’m just the one who stole it from your room, I-he did all the carvin’.
- Johann: Okay, so a little theft present. I getcha. Well guys, cool holiday. Good interactions as always, my men, my main men.
- Taako: Wait, don’t forget your macaroons!
- Johann: Oh, yeah, let me try- [fake chewing noises] these are actually [slight laughter] really good.
- Taako: Yeah, I know! Very- p-pretty good at doing this stuff.
- Merle: He sprinkled some rosewood on top of it.
- Taako: I did not, that’s insane. It’s Candlenights.
- Johann: Mmkay, well-
- Magnus: I didn’t--
- Taako: Enjoy the macaroons!
- Magnus: I didn’t ruin your vi- here’s your violin. I was just joshing-
- Johann: Okay but you did- you did steal it for the prank though!
- Magnus: Well, yeah!
- Johann: Okay. Well…
- Magnus: Pretty good though, right?
- Johann: Yeah.
- Merle: You’re welcome.
- Johann: You got me. I think I learned something about the holidays today.
- Taako: Wait, he got you a statue and a violin-
- Magnus: Mmhm.
- Taako: --If you think about it.
- Johann: The mystery remains of where you got the wood for the- anyway, good to see you guys, enjoy my gifts.
Griffin: As you unwrap the uh, the gift that Johann got you it’s just a small, like, very small, like the size of a lemon. It’s a small, bronze box with a little crank on it and as you turn it-
[BACKGROUND MUSIC: “Voidfish Duet Music Box” by Griffin McElroy]
Griffin: -one of his compositions plays. And he’s like
- Johann: It’s my- I got you guys each a copy of my mixtape. [They snort] I think you’re really gonna like it, it’s fire.
- Magnus: That raw fire.
- Johann: It’s pretty raw.
- Merle: By The Pointer Sisters?
- Johann: Anyway, if you meet anybody down there that wants to, you know, produce something, publish my work, then uh, you know, tell them to hit me up.
[“Voidfish Duet Music Box” stops playing]
Travis: So Johann is doing the equivalent, like whatever the Faerun equivalent of handing out CDs in like, Time Square is?
Griffin: Yeah. Basically.
Justin: If we meet fantasy Rick Ross I promise [Clint laughs] I will get this tape in his hands.
Griffin: Killian gives you guys some gifts, too. Um, similarly pretty small packages. As you unwrap them, they are each handcarved personalized whetstones, which, Magnus, you’ll probably get some use out of, but the other two of you don’t really specialize in bladed weaponry but they’re nice. They’re carved in the shape of… ducks.
Travis/Clint: Aw!
Griffin: Yeah.
Clint: Aww!
- Killian: They’re my favorite!
Griffin: She says.
- Merle: [drawing it out] Regift!
Travis: I hand her a carved wooden duck.
- Killian: That’s...really weird.
- Magnus: Yup!
- Killian: It’s really weird that we- how did that even … did you know I was gonna get you a duck stone or, how did you?
- Magnus: I read your diary.
- Killian: Well that’s… this is not a great Candlenights so far, guys, just sort of judging by the interactions that we’re all having in this room.
- Taako: Hey but wait, bright side, macaroons~!
- Killian: Let me try that bad- [fake chewing noises] Damn!
- Taako: Yeah. How we do.
- Killian: [laughing] That is how you do, indeed!
- Merle: And by the way, we know that you like-like-like Johann!
Griffin: No.
[Clint laughs evilly]
Griffin: Don’t. You can’t put that into the slashiverse.
Clint: It was there, it was right there in the diary!
- Killian: No. Stop it.
Griffin: She’s blushing.
[Travis laughs]
Griffin: Uh, Avi gives you guys some gifts. And they’re wrapped up and they’re obviously small bottles of stuff. And as you unwrap them, yeah, they’re little, like, airplane sized bottles of uh, of brandywine. But he promises, uh
- Avi: That’s the good stuff. You’re gonna enjoy that, my guys.
- Magnus: Thanks.
- Avi: Nothing for me though? Okay, uh, that’s fine…
- Taako: Oh wait! I got something.
- Taako and Merle: [in a sing-song voice] Macaroons!
- Avi: I’m on the ATKINS diet. Can’t eat that.
- Taako: [crosstalk] These are diet?
- Magnus: I-I carved you this board, uhh, for beer tasting.
- Taako: I’ve … I-
- Magnus: You put little glasses on it!
- Taako: Macaroons are fine on ATKINS, I replaced the ground almonds with chicharones. Or, pork rinds.
[laughter]
Travis: Oh god that sounds good!
- Avi: Well yeah actually, let me take a stab at one of those bad boys.
- Taako: The recipe calls for egg whites-
- Merle: They’re called mac-a-rone-ays.
- Taako: Instead of using caster sugar like I normally would, I went with uhhhhhhhh [voice gets continually higher in pitch, fake chewing noises] Splenda!
- Avi: This is uh, yeah this is-
- Taako: Fantasy Splenda!
- Avi: -I can taste like, artificially sweetened pork accidents.
- Taako: [laughing] Beats the heck out of more celery and deli turkey! Huh, my man?
- Avi: Yeah, I know.
- Taako: Just gotta keep at it.
- Avi: Yeah. Uh, thanks guys.
- Merle: I have something for ya.
- Avi: Oh boy!
- Merle: Yup.
- Avi: Let’s check it out.
- Merle: [clears throat] It’s called a trick tract.
- Avi: Mmkay.
- Merle: And when you are a worshipper of Pan, you hand out these little tracts.
- Avi: Mm.
- Merle: And they tell little stories, like The Little Shoes-
- Avi: Yep.
- Merle: And uh, but the thing is you get to the end, and it’s not about any religions! So it’s a trick tract!
- Avi: Ohh, I see, like a little prank gift! I get it, I like how-
Justin: [laughing] They’re just sorta just bad books!
Travis: Enjoy these shitty comics!
Justin: [laughing] Enjoy these shitty, small books! [crosstalk] From me to you!
- Avi: And it looks like it’s printed on pinecone paper, that’s fun.
- Merle: It’s actually made out of rosewood.
Griffin: [laughing] Uh, Angus walks up to you guys, and he hands you all three books, and they are each different-
Travis: Nerrrrd!
- Angus: Well, um, I thought-
- Merle: [crosstalk] Were they out of socks?
- Angus: No, I- you guys don’t need socks, it doesn’t seem like, um, but these books mean a lot to me, they’re from my favorite young adult book series-
[Justin laughs]
Griffin: And as you unwrap them, they are different installments in a young adult mystery novel series, titled “Caleb Cleveland: Kid Cop”.
[laughter]
Travis: Griffin, you asshole.
Griffin: Which is a young adult series about a young detective, and Angus says,
- Angus: These- these books were very formative for me, and they taught me a lot about, um, you know, checkin’ things out and solving crimes, and cracking clues! That’s- that’s sorta the three main pillars. Checking things out, solving crimes, and cracking clues!
Travis: When- I’m- I put my arm around Angus’s shoulder and I say,
- Magnus: For Candlenights, I promise not to play keepaway with any of your stuff for the coming season.
- Angus: [Kind of teary-breathing] Do you really mean it?
- Magnus: Yes.
- Merle: No.
Travis: And when I take my hand away, I’ve stuck a “Kick Me” sign on his back.
- Angus: This is the best - this is uh, a Candlenights miracle. [Calling out to others] Did you guys hear that!
Clint: I kick him.
- Angus: [startled and sad] Oh God.
- Taako: Uh, listen Angus, I have something for you too.
Justin: And I reach in my bag and I pull out three spoons.
- Angus: [Gasps]
- Taako: Now listen, I uh, it took me a while to buy these back from... the place where we lost them- don’t think about that too much.
- Angus: Wait, what you just said- like, I’m deducing, that what you just said when you-
- Merle: Shh, shh.
- Taako: I had a little- I had a little extra--
- Merle: Christmas. Christmas.
- Taako: Christmas doesn’t exist.
- Merle: [loudly] Candlenights.
- Taako: I had a little extra gold, so I uh, bought you these three spoons.
Justin: And Griffin, that’ll get rid of the extra gold I had, after last week.
Griffin: Okay, that’s fair.
Justin: I bought these three spoons for Angus.
- Angus: This is amazing! It was a 48-piece set so now I’ve got um.
Travis: My hand starts to creep towards taking them away from him. I grab my wrist and pull it back. No!
- Angus: Yeah, a promise is a promise. Um, thank you, this means a lot to me, I’ll keep work- this is my personal quest. I know a lot of people are invested in my storyline and that is to recover the remaining 44, you know, knives, spoons, forks, pieces of flatware that belong to my grandfather and once I do, maybe I’ll uncover a terrible secret about the universe!
- Merle: Okay.
- Magnus: All right! Can’t wait to tune in!
- Merle: And this is for you, Angus. It is a whetstone shaped like a duck. [voice cracks on the word duck]
[Travis laughs]
- Angus: Well, this is great. I can use it as like a paper weight or something.
- Merle: [hoarse] I thought you’d like it.
- Angus: How did you know I like ducks so much?
- Taako: Haven’t we talked enough?
- Angus: I guess so…
- Magnus: Is it adventure time yet?
- Angus: Thanks, bye.
Griffin: There’s actually one more person that has a gift to give you, and it’s the Director! And she walks up to you and discreetly-
Clint: Bonus!
Griffin: Hands you three envelopes.
[Clint chuckles]
Justin: As Angus is walking away, I chuck a macaroon at his head.
- Taako: I forgot! That too!
[Griffin laughs]
Griffin: And inside the envelopes- I don’t know why I said envelopes because this isn’t going to make any sense but there is 200 gold pieces a piece in each envelope.
[Justin laughs]
Justin: Hey, thanks for these shitty jangly envelopes.
- The Director: Well, uh, I didn’t really think about the delivery mechanism quite so much, but this is your holiday- your Candlenights bonus. The three of you put in good work this year and you got a little bit more than everybody else so if you could be sort of discreet abo-
- Merle: [loudly] Wow! Two hundred gold pieces!
- The Director: Okay damn, damnit. I don’t expect any gifts from you, I’m your employer frankly that would be um-
Travis: I hand her a coupon for one free backrub.
- The Director: This is exactly what I was actually afraid of. This is actually, Magnus, this is the nightmare scenario.
- Taako: Ah, wait-
- Magnus: You can use that whenever!
- The Director: Yeah.
- Taako: But, but wait! [singing] Elderflower macaroons!
- The Director: I’ll take a sta- I’ll take a run at it. [chewing noises]
- Taako: Okay!
- The Director: Hot diggity shit.
- Taako: That’s what we do. That’s how we do it.
- The Director: That is a baller cookie. How did you-
- Taako: Yeah.
- The Director: How did you- h-how did you even do this?
- Taako: The secret is to get the almonds ground down really fine before you try to uh, make the cookie.
Griffin: She pulls out a-
- Taako: And also the filling should be thick enough so that the cookie can stand on its side and stay together.
Griffin: She pulls out a notebook and she’s like writing all this down. She tears a page off and stuffs it in her pocket.
- Taako: You can check it out in my book. I got a book.
- Merle: And I have a little something for you too, Madame Director.
- The Director: Are you-? You sound like death.
- Merle: Thank you. It ah, it’s a little music box with a crank on the side. And ah-
- The Director: That’s weird, I got a very similar thing from Johann. He said it was his- he said it was like a fiery tape or something?
- Merle: It’s a set. It’s a mix, it’s a matched set. [voice cracks again at “set”]
- The Director: Let me see-
Griffin: And she cranks it. She cranks it--
[“Voidfish Duet Music Box” plays]
- The Director: This is the exact same song that plays on my mixbox.
- Magnus: I can’t believe he stole your idea, Merle.
- Merle: Pssh, [song stops] little bastard.
Griffin: So yeah, you’ve exchanged presents with everybody, had a good ol’ time.
Travis: I have presents, hold on
- Magnus: I have presents for Merle and for Taako! I made you guys chairs for your new digs and if you lift up the cushion, it doubles as an indoor toilet.
[Griffin laughing]
- Merle: That’s some heavy magic!
- Magnus: I carved it with my own two hands because I was a carpenter, if you remember from my backstory.
- Merle: You didn’t even use a tool?
- Magnus: Well, I- don’t be a dick.
Griffin: He just chopped- he just chopped the wood apart in the shape of toilet chairs. The Director is still standing nearby.
- The Director: Wow, no gifts from you guys to Magnus, huh? That’s a little awk-ward. Welp.
- Merle: Well, do you, uh, you speak too soon. Here’s a book.
- Magnus: I was standing next to you when he gave us all three of these books.
- Merle: Oh. Here’s a macaroon!
- Magnus: Alright..
- Taako: You know, I haven’t given you any macaroon. Merle, here’s a macaroon, one for y-
- Merle: Thanks, here’s a macaroon!
- Taako: No, one for you, Magnus. There, nobody splits macaroons.
Travis: I eat the macaroon and I get a +2 AC!
Justin: And all your rolls get plus three!
Griffin: There is one-
- Merle: I have a BOGO coupon at Fantasy Costco!
Griffin: There is one present left underneath the Candlenight shrub and it has a tag on it and it says “For: Taako, Merle, and Magnus.” It’s wrapped up in a very ornate paper, very shiny, glossy, silver paper. And it doesn’t have a “from” name on it. Doesn’t say who it’s from, just says it’s to the three of you.
Clint: Hmm.
Travis: I open it!
Griffin: M’kay.
Justin: Of course.
Griffin: You run up, tear the box open and it explodes, you die. You tear the box open, it doesn’t explode, you don’t die.
Travis: I’m fine either way.
Griffin: Wow.
[Justin laughs]
Clint: So which is it?
Griffin: Uh no, it’s safe. It’s a safe box, you tear it open and inside is a small, sort of fine, velvet, almost like a jewelry gift box. And as you pop it open, and the three of you are sort of looking over into this uh, this package as you open it up, you see there are three iron-on badges inside of this box. They’re these dark blue circle like, iron-on emblems and inside of each of these blue fabric circles, there is, there are 12 more circles. All different colors sort of around the outside of each badge. And in the middle is a word that is written in a language that none of you recognize, you cannot read, you cannot make out what the word is, what these badges are for because you can’t seem to read this word in the middle. And tucked in between these three badges is a note that says "For your eyes only.”
Clint: Hmmmm.
Travis: Okay.
Griffin: And the Director looks at you as you open up the box and says
- The Director: What is that? What’d you guys get?
- Magnus: Nothing!
- The Director: What do you mean-
- Merle: I think it’s a James Bond movie.
Travis: I cover ‘em up real quick and put it in my bag.
- The Director: That’s not really the spirit of Candlenights, you know. We’re all just trading gif-
- Magnus: It’s pornography!
- The Director: It’s porn-
- Merle: Oh, then I’ll take it.
- Taako: It specifically says for our eyes only.
- The Director: Well that is very-
- Taako: Suspicious right? I realized after I said it. It’s really suspicious.
- The Director: Listen, this sounds like it could be a security risk, I think you guys might need to-
- Magnus: No.
- Merle: Noo.
Griffin: She’s interrupted by a voice that is coming from a stone pendant that she’s wearing around her neck. This stone starts to glow and uh, you hear a very muffled, static-y distant voice come through her necklace that says, uh,
- Pendant: Lucretia!
Travis: It’s me, your necklace!
Griffin: And she like-
Justin: You know that new sound you’ve been looking for?
[Travis laughs]
Travis: I got this music box! You gotta hear it.
Griffin: She looks mortified.
Clint: Because we know her name’s Lucretia?
Griffin: And she stands up and stops her line of questioning immediately and stands up and turns around and you hear her gruffly uh, whisper into the necklace,
- The Director: How did you get this frequency?
Travis: What’s the Frequency, Kenneth?
Griffin: And then you hear the necklace say something but she sort of moved away from you so you can’t exactly make out what is going on but you do hear her say,
- The Director: YOU DID WHAT?
Travis: To WHO?
Griffin: And she walks even further from the crowd and seems to be having a very intense conversation.
Travis: With her necklace...
Griffin: With her necklace. Um, and she pulls out that small notebook and keeps writing stuff down and eventually- she is just-she is just like yelling. She does is having a very- She is very disappointed in whatever is on the other side of this necklace.
Travis: Griffin, is this the kind of thing where people have started shuffling out of the party awkwardly like “Euhhllh okay...”
Griffin: A pall has fallen over the crowd and nobody's like-
Travis: Somebody pick up Paul!
Griffin: Uh [Trying not to laugh] nobody's talking and drinking and having a good time so much anymore. Everybody's just kinda like- Everybody looks pretty worried because if the Director is this upset about something, some shit is going down.
- Merle: Thanks a lot, Lucretia, for spoiling our party.
Travis: I make eye contact with Johann and kinda like spin my finger in a “play some music” kind of gesture.
Griffin: Uh, okay. He starts playing the- that part of that one song, "Play some funky dixieland." No he's just-
Travis: That everyone loves.
Griffin: Yeah.
Justin: Nobody knows what it is though.
Griffin: Yeah, he doesn't know what it is either, that was a joke. Um yeah-
Clint: It’s Black Water by the Doobie Brothers.
Griffin: Thank you. Yeah, uh. He plays some music but it's slow, and very- it is of a concerned tone.
Justin: [very slowly] Play some funky dixieland.
[laughter]
Griffin: It's in a minor key.
Justin and Clint: [slower and pitched lower] Play some funky dixieland.
[Travis laughs]
Travis: You guys sound like Tuvian throat singers.
Clint: Oh black water.
Justin and Clint exchanging lines: Keep on rolling. Just keeps rolling along. Old black water. [together] He don't do nothing.
[They all laugh]
Justin: Stupid, stupid show.
Griffin: After a, uh, after a couple minutes of muffled argument with this pendant. She writes down something else in her notebook, tears out the page and walks over to Avi and hands it to him. And she says,
- The Director: Move the headquarters to these coordinates right now. Pronto. We're in a hurry.
Travis: I walk over to her,
- Magnus: Need that backrub?
- The Director: Ohh, it is not the time nor the place. Nor-
- Magnus: [crosstalk with The Director] Name it!
- The Director: -the situation. Okay. Later, not now, maybe.
- Magnus: Okay.
- Taako: You should [stuttering] set it up in advance though, he books up quick.
- Magnus: That is true!
Griffin: Uh, Avi looks at this piece of paper and says,
- Avi: These uh, these coordinates are south of here.
[Travis and Justin laugh]
Travis: Okay?
Griffin: And The Director's like,
- The Director: [confused] Yes?
Griffin: and he says,
- Avi: [disbelieving] The- the moon typically doesn't move south.
Griffin:And she says,
- The Director: Just do it! Just go! Just do it.
Griffin:And Avi scurries-
Travis: You got to pick my brother up at the airport!
Justin: What would cardinal directions be in relation to? In a moonbase.
Griffin: Uhh, probably as you were viewing the sky from the ground.
Justin: Okay.
Griffin: If… yeah.
Travis: She just had a conversation with her necklace, don't worry about compass rose.
Justin: I- yeah okay that's fine.
Griffin: Yeah, she says,
- The Director: I wasn't having a conversation with my necklace, my necklace is an important-
Travis: [crosstalk while laughing] Was having a conversation with me.
- The Director: Yes... Listen, it's Lucretia's time.
[Travis laughs harder]
- The Director: No, my pendant is a Stone of Farspeech that is specifically for emergencies only and somehow Lucas, our scientific advisor who has helped us build this base-
- Magnus: Ohhhh, the guy who was an asshole to the Voidfish.
- The Director: [annoyed] Oh so you have met him, yes, I would also use those adjectives to describe Lucas.
- Taako: Oh I hate that dipshit.
- Merle: Oh yeah, not a fan.
- Magnus: Oh yeah he's a douche.
- Merle: [singsong] Douchebag!
- The Director: I mean he's a bit abrasive, but we owe a lot of our success to him.
- Taako: [softly] Don't owe anything to him...
- The Director: He, uh, that was him, on the other line.
- Magnus: So, he’s a fart? In a shirt.
- Merle: I don’t even like him. We didn’t even invite him to this party.
- Taako: [mumbling] I didn’t even make him a macaroon.
- The Director: Okay, that was him, somehow he hijacked the frequency of my- of my emergency Stone of Farspeech, and he's informed me of a fairly dire situation. He’s gone too far, he’s found a Grand Relic and-
- Magnus: He what?
- The Director: He found a Grand Relic and has apparently been experimenting with it behind our backs.
- Magnus: But he’s not a Reclaimer.
- The Director: [irritated] He is not, yeah, good point. He managed to get his hands on it, because he is a- what’s the word I’m looking for?
- Merle: Douchebag. Douchebag?
- The Director: No, he’s a consultant for us, we did have him inoculated with the Voidfish’s ichor so he’s able to know about them, but he absolutely is not authorized to find them and hunt them down and especially not to use them, but he’s been experimenting with it and it- it’s a bad one to be tinkering around with boys, it’s- it’s the Philosopher’s Stone.
- Merle: No!
- Magnus: The book?
- Merle: Woah-hoh.
- The Director: What’s that?
- Magnus: The Harry Potter book?
- The Director: I have no idea what you are talking about. It’s, it’s-
Clint: Good try.
- The Director: It’s a stone that allows the user to transmutate any material into literally any other material, and in the wrong hands, it could bankroll the army or in this case... it could turn the entire world into a solid crystal, extinguishing all life on the planet.
- Magnus: And that’s the bad one.
- The Director: That’s the bad one.
- Merle: So it can take one comedian’s jokes and turn it into another comedian’s jokes?
- The Director: Without crediting them. Exactly.
- Merle: Oh my God...
- The Director: And Merle? Here’s your sign.
[Clint laughs]
- Taako: So wait-
Clint: [in a rough voice] Git ‘er done.
- Taako: I’m confused. Why does Lucas want to Ice-nine the planet?
Griffin: You hear Lucas chime in through the pendant, and he says:
- Lucas: Listen, it’s not me who’s doing this okay? Yes, I found the Philosopher’s Stone and I was doing some experiments with it to help the Bureau of Balance and maybe, [stuttering] my grasp outreached my sort of, my scientific ethical boundaries, yes, okay, I will give you that, but something has taken over the Philosopher’s Stone and it used it to turn the exterior of my lab into crystal. And um, specifically solid pink tourmaline and whatever is channeling that relic is still somehow using it, meaning everything that the gem touches is going to get King Midas’d or- sorry- it’s also going to get coated in gemstone so-
- Magnus: Is there anyone else in the lab, or were you the only one working on the project?
- Lucas: Yeah, I mean, I have some, robotic helpers but they, don’t possess the sort of sentience required to pull off a stunt like this. I don’t know what it is that has taken over this stone but I-I’m right now I’m trapped in my own medbay because right outside is a crystallized room. I should explain: My lab is separated into different chambers by what I call arcane airlocks which kept my whole facility from getting all tourmaline’d but unfortunately, the entire exterior of the base is covered in what is essentially a sort of virulent crystal, and the suspension cores of my lab, it’s basically what your Bureau of Balance headquarters is modeled after. They can’t compensate for the extra weight and so I-I’m sinking because of my lab’s new candy coating and if I hit the Still-water Sea below, it’s- that’s it for the world. It’s gonna spread-
Travis: I look at Angus.
- Magnus: You got all that? Because none of that made sense to me.
Griffin: He’s been writing all of this down.
Travis: Okay, great. I’m glad we got this girl Friday.
Griffin: [laughing] H-He says
- Lucas: Based on my calculations, we’ve got about 82 minutes before I touch down and that’s, going to be very, very bad for life so, I need you all to get here and- and rescue me and help me get this stone back before- so I can undo what’s been done and before, you know, the world gets crystallized.
- Merle: Well, we have people over. We got company.
- Magnus: That is true, can we do it tomorrow?
- Lucas: If we do-
- Merle: I got lunch, I got-like 11, I could get free at 11.
- Lucas: If we do it tomorrow, it might just be a little bit too late because I did just specifically said- Oop 81 minutes now. Cool. Cool, cool, cool.
Travis: Okay so Ditto, quick run down, basically the deal is anything that this touches will turn to crystal, right?
Griffin: Pink tourmaline.
Travis: Right. I’m not going to say that because I’m an adult.
Griffin: Okay. [Clint wheezes]
Travis: And so, if the, if his lab touches the ground, whole planet: crystal.
Griffin: Um, yeah. His lab is floating over the Still-water Sea which is a sort of unique body of water that doesn’t have any sort of waves or any sort of tidal motion at all, and his lab is floating over it and if it touches that, it’s just going to spread and, like Justin suggested, it’s going to Ice-nine the whole planet.
- Magnus: Lucas, Magnus here, how do we get in then, if there’s this whole contagious crystalline thing?
- Lucas: I think I have a solution for that. Um, Lucretia?
Griffin: She says,
- The Director: Stop doing that. [Travis snorts] Stop- it’s Madame Director.
- Lucas: Okay, Madame Director, I think you’re gonna need to use the null suits, and I’m going to need them to bring me one, too.
Griffin: And she writes down another note in her notebook and tears it out and hands it to Johann, and she’s running low on notebook paper, she’s like:
- The Director: Damn, I should’ve asked for another notebook for Candlenights. That would’ve been very forward thinking.
Travis: I hand her a coupon for one free notebook.
Griffin: That doesn’t make any sense but she hands it to Johann and sends him off. She tells him to go to Leon to prepare the null suits. And she says into her pendant:
- The Director: Lucas, we’re going to pull your ass out of the fire this time but we’re going to have a nice long talk about ethical-
- Magnus: About your ass.
- The Director: About your- fiery ass when this one’s... over and out. Dammit.
Griffin: The pendant has stopped glowing.
- The Director: Damnit, I could’ve done way better there.
- Magnus: You’ll get him next time.
Griffin: She points a wand at her stone pendant and it clicks off, and then she says to the three of you:
- The Director: Despite what you just heard, your mission falls under normal parameters. Taako, Merle, and Magnus, you’re in charge of retrieving the Grand Relic, not Lucas. Don’t let him anywhere near it.
Griffin: And then she turns to Killian and says:
- The Director: Killian, it’s time to get the squad together. It’s time for the Regulators to roll out. We’re sending you in to detain and extract Lucas for his abuse of confidential information. Standard protocol applies. [Travis gasps] If he makes a move for the relic-
Griffin: And Killian just says:
- Killian: You got it!
Griffin: And walks out of the room.
- Taako: What! If- wait [stuttering] What would happen? You didn’t finish your sentence, if he makes a move for the reli-
Griffin: Killian turns around and says over her shoulder as she walks out of the room:
- Killian: Bad stuff.
Clint: Wow.
Travis: Guitar sting!
Griffin: And a dove flies out of the door she just walked through and all of a sudden the people in the room are just like “Oh shit, oh god! There’s a dove in here.” And you spend like, 20 minutes trying to get rid of the dove. You’re wasting a lot of time.
- Taako: Well! Sixty-one minutes now.
[everyone laughing]
- Magnus: Lucretia, how well do you know Lucas? Is it possible that this is all a trick?
Justin: I don’t buy- I don’t buy that the administrator would let Magnus continue to call her Lucretia.
- The Director: Yeah, that shit ain’t gon’ fly.
- Magnus: Madame Director Lucretia, what, how well do you know Lucas?
- The Director: I know him fairly well, we’ve worked together to found the Bureau of Balance, I wouldn’t be able to do the things that I do if it weren’t for his scientific innovations. I mean, everybody to some extent knows the Miller family. They are a long lineage of inventors responsible for most of the technological advancements in our world. If you’ve ever, I mean, if you’ve ever been on an elevator, certainly you know the Miller family’s work.
- Magnus: I’m no boy detective, but the artifacts we’ve encountered up to this point had a really strong corrupting influence.
- The Director: Yep.
- Magnus: It sounds to me like he’s-
- The Director: If he’s using-
- Magnus: -a scientist and this is a very uh, this would be the most uh- corrupting of a scientist.
- The Director: It would be pretty bad for- it would be pretty bad for anybody, other than the three of you who seem to be the only ones capable of resisting the thrall of these relics. It would be bad for anyone, but the fact that he’s already using it means that it’s probably already too late. Oh God.
Griffin: She looks really worried, and kind of tired.
- Magnus: I guess what I’m trying to say is, what if we have to kill him?
- The Director: If that’s what it takes to keep him from using it then-
- Merle: Ohhh, okay then!
- The Director: Leave the detainment to the Regulators but-
- Merle: You kind of buried the lede there, Lucretia.
- The Director: If it comes down to it, and I hate to say this-
- Taako: You had my interest and now you have my attention. Listen, why isn’t Lucas a full member of the Bureau?
- The Director: He’s not interested in joining. I couldn’t convince him to join in full. And now I’m starting to think this has been his plan all along, he’s- he’s been taking the information that our seekers have been gathering and the confidential information I’ve been sharing with him under the promise that he would help us in return. I- [loud exhale]
[“Fantasy Candlenights” music starts playing]
Griffin: She is seething now kind of, with anger. She says
[“Fantasy Candlenights” music stops]
- The Director: You have to stop him and bring him to me so that I can-
- Davenport: Davenport!
Griffin: Davenport stumbles into the room and he’s wearing some goofy looking armor, he’s carrying a big light-up toy candle. He’s just doing a little dance. He’s like,
- Davenport: [rhythmically] Davenport, Davenport, Davenport!
Griffin: He’s doing like a little holiday song and dance. [laughter] And the Director says:
- The Director: Davenport, read the room!
- Davenport: [disappointed] Davenport.
Travis: Davenport.
- Magnus: Alright Regulators, mount up.
- Taako: Wait real, quick [whistles like to a dog] I got a macaroon for ya boy. [whistles again] Open up, Davenport.
- Merle: Come on!
Griffin: He cracks open the visor of his knight armor and goes,
- Davenport: Davenport...
Justin: [makes a popping noise followed by chewing sounds]
Griffin: Do you just drop it into his mouth? Like he’s a--
[Fantasy Candlenights plays]
Justin: I drop it into the visor.
- Taako: It's Davenport flavor, just like you like.
[eating noises]
Travis: You're a cannibal!
- Davenport: nnnnnnnmmmmmmmmDavenport.
Justin: All right...
{40:21-46:14 commercial break}
Griffin: So you are uh,
Justin: It's snowing here.
Griffin: What?
Justin: I just wanna let you guys know it's snowing here. It's beautiful.
Griffin: Ohh, that sounds really nice!
Justin: It’s picturesque.
Griffin: It's snowing in our fantasy world, too. The three of you have gone to Leon the Artificer's chambers under the direction of the Director. That was a weird sentence. And it's in, you know-
Justin: A lotta horseshit in there, huh? Just a lotta horseshit words that don't mean anything.
Griffin: Yeah, kind of. I thought you were talking about Leon the Artificer's chamber. Which is also full of a lot of magical horseshit.
Clint: Horseshit! [laughs]
Griffin: He actually walks over to a large object in the corner of his room. And he pulls a big tarp off of it and reveals sort of a big cylindrical tank. It almost looks like those new security scanners that they have in airports. And by new I mean that they've had for like a decade now. Only it's a fully closed-in tank, and it's pretty big. And it has like a pedestal in the middle of it. And he says
- Leon: This is very exciting! We've never actually gotten to use the null suits before. This was actually an invention of Lucas's own creation. And these suits allow you to cancel out a particular school of magic.
Griffin: And he looks at the note that the director gave him and says
- Leon: Ok, you three pop in, I think I know how to get this thing rollin. What color suits do you wanna take in?
- Magnus: What?
- Leon: You get to pick your color.
- Magnus: Oh, does it have an any effect on anything?
- Leon: Oh no, it's just, what's your stylie?
- Magnus: Oh great. I'm gonna go with a......... burgundy.
- Leon: I got orange.
- Magnus: Oh nope, nope, no orange. I'm a winter.
- Leon: Lemme size you up real quick. Oh damn, orange is the only suit in the size that you...
- Magnus: [inhales through teeth] That's gonna clash with my green undertones, but all right.
Griffin: He hands you an orange suit.
- Leon: Merle, color?
- Merle: Burnt umber?
- Leon: Uh, I got one yellow dwarf suit left. Somebody already took the burnt umber suit.
- Merle: Yellow?
- Leon: Yeah, good, cool. Good.
- Merle: Like pee yellow or baby poop yellow?
- Leon: It's a bright neon yellow. And Taako?
- Taako: Ummm. Cinnam-
- Leon: Green, got it. Green, here you go. Green suit.
- Magnus: I feel like maybe there was uh. No point in asking?
- Leon: Listen, we don't have a lot of null suits.
Justin: It really drives me crazy when DM’s don't fuckin just let people be creative.
- Leon: Oh no, look at the, oh wait no, look at this. I found a burgundy and a burnt umber and whatever dumb color Taako said. Cinnamon? Cinnamon? What, so you guys-
- Merle: No, we'll go with the choices.
- Leon: No, no no these are all--
- Merle: No there's a reason, I can tell there's a reason.
- Leon: No, there's no reason, it's just different dumb shades of red. Here you go, idiots.
[laughing and a snort]
Griffin: So the three of you. I can't believe you all went with the red shirts but fine. You're all wearing different shades of red.
- Magnus: Burgundy's more purpley, but that's fine.
- Leon: Mmkay.
- Merle: I don't even know what burnt umber is.
- Leon: Yeah, I didn't think you did.
- Taako: And I thought I was ordering a latte. So, guess we all have egg on our face, huh?
[laughing]
Griffin: He hands each of you suits that are tailored to fit. Not exactly tailored to fit, but they do fit.
Travis: Is there room in the crotch?
Griffin: There is ample space in the crotch.
Clint: Not for me.
Griffin: These suits sort of, they wrap around your whole body. And each of them comes with a glass — almost fish-bowl style helmet with a retractable visor on it.
Travis: Sweet!
Griffin: And each one has like a little panel in the wrist. Leon tells you to get inside the chamber and take all the weapons and items that you're gonna bring with you and set them down. He takes some of these hoses from the pedestal in the middle and then connects them to those panels in your wrists. And steps out and shuts the chamber. You see him turn a dial, and then all of a sudden this chamber is like sprayed by all of these different nozzles all around the chamber. You guys are secretly just getting a spray tan. Joke's on you.
Travis: Oh, that's nice!
Griffin: Your suits actually are filled with sort of a sharp, chemical smell--
Travis: I farted.
Griffin: Oh boy. That's gonna be the first of many jokes like that, I bet, in this campaign arc.
Travis: Yep.
Griffin: And when the process is ended, all of your belongings have been sprayed down with this material and your suit — the panel on your suit has a meter on it that was in the red before you sorta connected and got all filled up and is now filled all the way to green. And Leon says,
- Leon: So, with this, any transmutation magic that tries to affect you or any of the belongings you brought into the chamber are going to be impervious. Taako, unfortunately, this means any outbound transmutation spells aren't going to work. So keep that in mind.
- Taako: All right, seems fair.
- Leon: Also, the suit is extremely durable. But try not to let it get punctured because you inside of the suit are still vulnerable, but the suit itself will provide you protection from transmutation magic so long as you are wearing it.
- Taako: Got it.
- Merle: [hoarsely] Check.
Griffin: So yeah after equipping these null suits. Which don't bestow any armor benefits, they sorta go on over your armor. Sorry Magnus.
Travis: Nah, it's cool.
Griffin: You make your way up to the hangar. This whole time the headquarters has been moving. Which has been sort of a nauseating effect. It typically moves a little bit in the night sky.
Travis: Is it like a cruise ship thing? Where you don't notice it until you think about it and then you wanna puke?
Griffin: Yes, exactly like, yeah. And it's also like when you're just sorta normally moving the normal route that your moonbase moves, it's very slow, but it has to move to sort of give the appearance to people on the ground that it's an actual moon. But imagine people on the ground just saw the moon at like, 90 miles an hour. Just turn-
Travis: Just really hoofing it.
Griffin: Just turn 90 degrees in the night sky and start zippin. So yeah, there might be some ‘splaining to do later. But you've made your way to the hangar. And the back of the hangar's been sort of opened up and you-you see the night sky in front of you, it's snowing actually pretty hard. It's actually a pretty bad winter storm going on.
And on the edge of this sort of dock are these two gondolas. Standing next to one of the gondolas you see Killian, who's also wearing a null suit. And she has two accomplices with her, one of which is a dragonborn woman. A fairly slight dragonborn as far as dragonborns go, they're usually pretty big dragon-lookin people. This is more of a lizard-born. And a dwarf, who, you're assuming it's a dwarf because it's a short, stout figure, but their glass helmet, like, is completely opaque. You can't see through it at all.
Travis: All sounds great.
Griffin: Killian motions to you over to the gondolas and she says,
- Killian: Oh, I want you guys to meet my regulators, my rollin' crew, my squad. This is Carey Fangbattle. She's a rogue, and she's damn good at what she does, rogue-like stuff.
- Magnus: Fangbattle.
- Taako: I've heard tale of your brother, uh, Scales?
- Carey: Oh man.
Griffin: Hold on I need a voice for her--
- Carey: [surfy voice] Oh man. You know about Jeremy? Yeah, he can be a real tool sometimes. Ha ha ha. That's not me though. I'm Carey Fangbattle. I'm a rogue. I'm the best there is at what I do. Rogue stuff. You know.
- Taako: No instrumentation whatsoever, huh?
- Carey: No, I didn't go the bard route. Which my dad wasn't so psyched about but hey, good at rogue stuff! You know how I do my thing-
- Magnus: Rogue-ing around? Rogue-eo-
- Merle: Rogue-ery, you're good at rogue-ery?
- Carey: General rogue-ery, yeah. You know the point. Have you seen my brother-
Justin: I bet that is kind of a bummer as a parent when your kid steals something and they're like, "Hey Deborah?" "Uh, yes Carl?" "She seemed...very proficient at that didn't she?" "Yeah she did seem very proficient at theft." "Ah, son of a bitch, she's a rogue." "Aw, man."
Griffin: The dwarf opens up his helmet and a thick cloud of smoke comes out. And you see inside--
Clint: Cheech and Chong!
Griffin: No it's actually the gruffest looking dwarf you've ever seen. It's like if somebody put Merle through a meat grinder and just sorta schluffed him back together again and then like glued some hair onto him.
[Justin laughing]
Clint: Is it a female?
Griffin: No, it's a man and he's smoking a big cigar. And he says uh,
[deep, gruff, breathy with pauses]
- Dwarf: Hello. Suppose introductions are in order.
- Magnus: Nah, it's not necessary.
- Dwarf: My name... is Boyland. [pronounced as the two words separately boy-land]
[snickers, laughs]
- Taako: ‘scuse me?
- Boyland: What are ya laughin’ at? I mean I know what you’re-
Griffin: Keep in mind this is the name of a real person that we borrowed for the show.
- Magnus: It's just your name was so cool that we were struck by it.
[muffled giggles from Taako/Justin]
- Boyland: Ah yeah, it happens a lot. [trying to start a sentence]
- Taako: Boyyylaaaaannndd!
- Magnus: Boyland, can I just jump in here and-
- Boyland: It might- it might-
- Magnus: You look like shit.
- Boyland: It might be Boyland [pronounced boy-lund as in Newfoundland or the “y” sound in Brooklyn]
- Taako: Boylund makes more sense.
- Merle: [barely suppressing mirth] Go with Boylund, please.
- Taako: I don't wanna tell you how to say your name, Boyland, but like, maybe Boylund would be the way to go.
- Boyland: [Going back to what Magnus said] Did you just say I look like shit? It's just what I look like.
- Magnus: You kinda look like shit. Are you okay? You apparently look like my friend Merle here has been put through a meat grinder and had hair glued to him.
- Boyland: I think that's an accurate description, but I don't need to look good. I, let's just say I don't have a charisma-centric build.
- Magnus: Do you feel good?
- Boyland: Not on the inside.
[background laughter]
- Magnus: Oh no, we're gonna have a lot to talk about, Boyland.
Griffin: The Director is there too. And she walks over and holds out her pendant and Lucas addresses the assembly. And he says:
- Lucas: So there are a few points of entry that you can conceivably get into the base through, but your best bet is the conservatory, I have a pretty big skylight there that was open when everything went down, so you should be able to get through there pretty easily. And once you're inside, just start making your way to the center of the facility, you'll find the medbay where I'm holed up. I'm in the main elevator lobby on the same floor as the conservatory. Just go- you just have to go through some of my lab facilities to get there from the conservatory. Also, if you can power them down as you go, you'll be able to free up some power that I can channel back into the suspension cores and buy us all some more time.
Travis: Griffin, when eventually we make a movie out of the Adventure Zone, will this be more of like an Ocean's Eleven style like? Like we'll see the corridors and lasers and stuff.
Griffin: This is all completely original from my head. I didn't make any of it up based on stealing theft.
[Clint laughs]
Griffin: Angus chimes in through your Stones of Farspeech which you have tucked away inside your suits so you can sort of communicate. And you hear him say:
- Angus: Be careful in there. According to the psych profile I've drawn up based on what the Director has told me about Lucas, he's a pretty reckless individual, and I'm willing to bet his experiments aren't above-board safety wise.
- Magnus: Cool.
- Merle: Is there any way to turn off the radio in the suits?
- Angus: I mean, I wouldn't advise it. I'm gonna provide some good helpful intel and some charming dialogue.
- Merle: [sighs]
- Taako: Can you at least try to talk a little lower, darling?
- Angus: [slightly lower] H-Hi.
- Taako: Butch it up a bit?
- Angus: Ok lemme. [lower, but also old and strained sounding?] Hi everybody, it's me Angus.
- Merle: Oh god, that's worse.
- Angus: [not much lower-pitched but slower] No, I'm here to provide you with valuable-
- Merle and Taako: Nooo, no--
- Angus: -valuable intel.
- Taako: No, it's like.
- Magnus: Lucas, it's Magnus here.
- Taako: It's like Will Ferrell's impersonation of Harry Caray fell down a flight of stairs.
[snickers]
- Merle: And landed on Grandpa Simpson.
Griffin: Ah, you-
- Magnus: Lucas, this- Magnus, here. Real quick, before we jump on down there into your … whatever lab of horrors, is there, ah you mentioned there were some robots [pronounced "robits"]... [Stammering] Are we gonna be facing any like crystalline monsters, or bad guys of any sort?
- Lucas: I didn't- I didn't, I mean. I mean, I didn't see anything? I just saw the lab around me sorta start to get all pink and crystally, and so I ran as fast as I could for the nearest airlock, so, I-
- Magnus: Real quick-
Travis: I take a minute and I tell my shield of the story of the time I ripped a robit's arms off.
Griffin: Ok, yeah! It etches that into the face of it. The Director says
- The Director: If-- you guys are gonna probably need this.
Griffin: She takes off her necklace and hands it to- well she just hands it out into the three of your direction.
Travis: I take it.
Griffin: Mmkay. And she says:
- The Director: You'll probably need this to stay in touch.
Travis: Now, Ditto, to be fair, we didn't have this when we did the null suit coating.
Griffin: You can put it on underneath your suit.
Travis: I put it on underneath my suit.
- Merle: Wait a minute wait a minute, you need help with the clasp, honey, turn around.
Griffin: No, you've got a visor that sort of slides upward and retracts pretty easily. So yeah, you are now able to stay in touch with Lucas, and Carey Fangbattle says:
[“Déjà Vu” fades in]
- Carey: All right guys, time to roll out! You guys ready to get busy,- Livin? Or get busy dyin'?
- Magnus: Ehm.. Yeah?
- Merle: Sure? [pause] Wait a minute. Dyin’?
[OUTRO MUSIC: "Déjà Vu" by Mort Garson]