Ep. 43: The Eleventh Hour - Chapter Three/Transcript

Transcript by the lovely volunteers at TAZscripts.

Griffin: Previously, on The Adventure Zone:

[theme music begins playing in the background]



Griffin: Uh, this town, just to kind of give you an idea of the aesthetic, is very old western. And it says on this gate, “By their sacrifice, our home is made safe.” And this statue depicts three figures. This small human girl, she is holding hands with a large, broad, bearded human man. This figure standing behind them is wearing a robe, a bright crimson red.

Travis: Oh.



Griffin: It is an explosion. You see smoke coming through the windows of the bank. As the clock strikes noon, And you’re being crushed by the shattered earth as it compresses down into the ground, and all three of you have died. And you see that old woman again.



[THEME MUSIC: "Déjà Vu" by Mort Garson]

{1:58}

Griffin: You wake up. And you’re not dead. Anymore.

Justin: Hooray!

Travis: Yay, we did it!

Griffin: If you were dead, you were dead for just a bit. Just a second. But you’ve woken up from that white space and you are laying on the ground, and when you look up, there’s Refuge.

[“Refuge” begins playing in the background]

Griffin: And it’s undestroyed.

Travis: We did it! [Clint laughs]

Griffin: You did, in a very circuitous way, I guess, save the town. Um, but-

Travis: Another victory for the - oh, we don’t have a cool nickname, do we?

Clint: We really need a cool nickname.

Travis: Yeah.

Griffin: I also don’t think “another” works.

Travis: What about The Thrifty Three?

Griffin: That doesn’t make any sense.

Justin: Tres Horny Boys.

Travis: Yeah!

Griffin: Tres Horny Boys.

Justin: No one say that out loud ever again, please.

Clint: Tres Horny Boys, you don’t want to say that out loud again?

Griffin: Well, that’s unfortunate, Justin. Everything you say on this show becomes canon. Tres Horny Boys, you’ve woken up and there’s Refuge, it’s not destroyed. You’re in front of the entry gate, where you woke up… yesterday, I guess? And standing under that gate is a big red clay animated earth elemental onion knight. With a bird on its shoulder. Who says-

[music fades out]

Clint: Do we still remember everything that happened the last time?

Travis: Good question.

Griffin: You absolutely remember everything that happened. And this - Roswell says,



Travis: I’d like everyone to know while this is happening Magnus is slowly turning and staring at Taako. This is the most competent thing Taako has done.

Griffin: Why don’t you make a - [chchch] this would be a charisma check, let me consult the list of skills, figure out this one.

Justin: Oh no, not that! Any skill but that!

[Griffin laughs]

Travis: Griffin, is there a metric like there was in fourth edition where we can assist in a check? Can we be charismatic with Taako with lots of smiles and winking?

Griffin: Uh, I - you can, I mean, if you can come up with a way narratively to do so, I might give Taako advantage. If you have something, for instance - Taako’s going to make the roll because he led the charge, but if you can think of some other little juicy nug to aid in this then, yeah, I’ll let you.

Travis: Okay.

Clint: We can always overwhelm him with numbers. You know, so if the story starts to flag, one of us can jump in.

Griffin: Uh, this would be - let’s do persuasion, Juice.

Travis: Okay, wait. Magnus says,



Griffin: Taako, go ahead and make that roll and take advantage on it.

Justin: [rolls dice] Mmkay. That is a 14 or… [rolls dice] 20!

Clint: Whoa!

Griffin: Nat 20?

Travis: Heyo!

Justin: Nat 20..

Griffin: Okay. You-

Travis: I love you! [Clint laughs]

Griffin: [in Roswell’s voice] Please, have my babies.



Griffin: So here is how this arc is gonna work, and I wanna lay it out straight with you fellas ‘cause - the last thing that I wanna do is have you guys just do the same shit over and over and over again. This - what you have just done, now that you have bluffed your way past Roswell, now that you have figured out a way to do that and executed it, you can just do that now in any future loop.

Justin: Okay. That makes sense.

Griffin: I’m not gonna make you do the same rolls over and over and over again. In the same sense, if you could sort of build, um, an hour of good loops, like I will let you also kind of fast forward to whatever point you need to, assuming you have like a way to get there based on the things you've accomplished in the past. Which is gonna be like... It's going to be a bit abstract to keep track of but I think it's the only way to do this, ‘cause--

Travis: Yeah otherwise we're gonna hear the same thing over and over.

Griffin: Over and over and over again and that's just gonna be really, really bad radio.

Travis: Yeah, yeah.

Griffin: Um, I’m going to try--

Travis: Dad, you know something about bad radio, right? Do you have any advice for Griffin?

Clint: Lemme tell you about bad radio everybody, [goofy voice] hi!!!

Griffin: Oh boy.

Clint: [goofy DJ voice] Hii, it’s time for some bad radio!

Justin: Love that guy.

Griffin: Oh boy. As the DM of this arc, I’m going to do my best to keep everything, to keep everything sort of straight and make sure that everybody’s doing the same shit every time. If I slip up, it's not me like dropping hints or whatever, it's an honest to god screw-up because this hour is, is this arc.

Travis: Got it.

Griffin: I also kind of, this is also a bit unconventional but, uh, in order to give you a bit of direction, I don't want you guys just kinda flailing in the wind, I wanted to lay out some objectives for the arc just so they’re a bit clear. Um, you need--

Clint: I think I know one of ‘em.

Griffin: Well, one of them is to recover the Temporal Chalice and get it out, get it out of town, and take it back to--

Clint: We also, are we gonna make Andie MacDowell fall in love with us?

Griffin: That is a sub-quest, and I’ll give--

Travis: Are we going to ruin Chris Elliott’s life?

Griffin: Ruin Chris Elliott’s life, you’ll get extra experience points for that. Umm.. No you als--

Justin: I already did.

[Travis laughing, Griffin joins in]

Justin: Just ask him about it, it's all he’ll fucking talk about anymore.

Griffin: Um, you also need to figure out, in addition to getting the grand relic, you need to figure out what caused this bubble to pop up around town, and sort of discover the mystery of the bubble. Um, the other thing you need to do is figure out what is destroying the town and try to stop it. Those objectives--

Travis: And we have an hour of time in-game to do that?

Griffin: What’s that?

Travis: Or-- In game, does an hour pass? Or is it that we have an hour of recording?

Griffin: Oh god no we can’t do an hour of recording time. I saw some people asking about that in the reddit, we can’t do it like that or else this thing would go on forever. I want you guys like going through mad loops. Um, those two objectives I’ve laid out, figuring out what the bubble is and figuring out what stopping the, figuring out what's destroying the town? Not as important as the third one but they will, I will tell you they will help get you there.

Travis: Got it.

Griffin: Um, that being said, uh, you are walking into town with Roswell, and you know the layout now. Uh, you guys can consult the map at any point, I’ll just assume you all three have photographic memories. Um, and uh--



Justin: I pull out a gun, and shoot the two of them and shoot myself. [laughter]

Clint: Reboot!!

Justin: Starting again.

Griffin: He says:



Griffin: Uh, he walks you to the office. It's about 11:05 right now, you can see, as you walk into town, you can see the clock tower from above, and turns you toward the sheriff's office, which when you walk in, it's just as you remember it. It’s– there’s destroyed chairs, Roswell's desk, there's Cassidy in the jail cell at the end, a map hanging on the wall, um, just as you left it.

Justin: Well, I’ll– is Roswell about to leave?

Griffin: Uh, it doesn't seem like it. Roswell walks in and sits down on their chair, which kind of creaks and moans under their weight. I'm trying to stick with the they pronoun, for Roswell? I keep fucking that up.

Justin: I wanna see what, Dad plays a lot of like open world RPGs, I’m curious what Dad thinks we should do first.

Clint: We’re obviously stuck in this location for a while, right?

Justin: Well, I mean I got magic and shit. If you wanna leave, just say the word.

[Travis laughs over Clint trying to talk]

Clint: I think we, I think we need to get some more information out of Roswell, and, and then I think we need to get some more information out of, uh, Jailbird Betty.

Justin: Cassidy?

Clint: Yeah, Cassidy.

[crosstalk]

Clint: If you’re asking me, I mean I’m thinking about casting Zone of Truth, but I don't know. It’s been a while.

Justin: I would think, and I'm not sure. I don’t know if Zone of Truth – you may have to refer to your cards– I don't know if Zone of Truth would work on Roswell.

Travis: Does Zone of Truth compel truth? [Griffin: Yeah.] Or does it just stop people from lying?

Griffin: Uh, I don't know. I think those two are similar enough that it wouldn't really matter mechanically. Roswell's gonna actually ask you first, uh, they say:



Clint: [doing a goofy voice for Merle] Look, let me tell ya a lil’ something–

[Horrific amount of crosstalk ensues.]

Travis: No–

Justin: That cannot be– that can’t be– that can’t be–

Clint: You don’t want that to be the new voice? Okay.



Justin: Shit, we’re just gonna dismantle this thing from the inside out, huh?



[Crosstalk.]



Griffin: You hear, from down the street, [a whooshing noise] and the sound of some furniture getting tossed around. It sounds like a scuffle is happening down the street. And Roswell says,



Griffin: You go outside with Roswell. You can see up on the clock it’s 11:10. And just like the last loop, you see some dudes in purple kerchiefs that’ve been blasted out into the street out of the front door of The Davy Lamp, the local saloon, and when they see you all coming they turn tail and just hoof it, start hoofing it down the street back towards the entry gate and then they turn a sharp right into some buildings.

Travis: Do I have the chance to bow-and-arrow somebody?

Griffin: Yeah, sure, if you want.

Travis: I’m gonna bow-and-arrow and aim for a calf.

Griffin: That’s grisly.

Justin: Debilitating.

Clint: That’s his name?

Travis: And that’s a 17 plus 8, so 25.

Griffin: Okay, yeah, you hit one of them in the calf, and they don’t like...taking that damage. [Clint laughs] And you get them just as they’re turning the corner around the building, and you hear them yell,



Travis: That was 1d6, that’s a 6 plus 2. So it’s 8 damage, in case it matters.

Griffin: Okay, so it’s more like,



Travis: Eight damage is pretty good!

Griffin: Yeah. They don’t fall to the ground crying, yelling “Okay, arrest me now,” and they sort of run out of sight. Roswell’s gonna keep on chasing them down the street, though. Stay on the hunt.



Travis: We haven’t worried about food or drinks so far in the game, but I guess now we will?

Justin: Let’s head into the - [in Taako’s voice] I wouldn’t be opposed to a- a- a refreshment.

Griffin: Okay.

Justin: I was trying to think of like a fancy word.

Travis: Yeah, but it sounded like you were skipping.



Travis: Ooh, maybe they have the honey apple mead. What was it? That Noelle made?

Griffin: Redcheek… that good, good Redcheek sauce. I forget what it was.

Clint: I’m gonna get a Harvey Wallbanger.

Griffin: Actually, it would actually be called, their brand was Applesauce. It was like a fun play on words.

Travis: Okay.

Griffin: But it was, like, really strong booze just made of apples. Okay, yeah you walk in through those old-timey saloon doors into The Davy Lamp. Despite the fact that it seems like kind of a kerfuffle just happened in here, it doesn’t seem like anybody was really paying it any mind, because this kerfuffle happened, like, thirty seconds ago and there are no signs a fight happened. So it kind of seems like those two ruffians kind of just got their asses handed to them very efficiently.

Travis: I wanna step in here, just so anybody listening is like, “Why did Magnus shoot that person with the arrow and then do nothing about it?” I’ve got a thing called Lens of Straight Creeping that lets me follow people, follow tracks-

Griffin: Yeah, sure.

Travis: So I would be following the scuffling one in case I need to.

Griffin: Yeah, that works. Okay.

Clint: That is– and it’s so Magnus, just shootin’ somebody.

Travis: Well, hold on-

Griffin: And also maybe you just wanted to hurt someone.

Travis: Yeah. I haven’t gotten to hurt anyone so far in the episode and one-tenth we’ve recorded.

Griffin: Sure. Okay, yeah, but you make your way into The Davy Lamp. There’s maybe about a dozen people in here.

Clint: Are you saying Baby Lamp?

Justin: You’ve got a map right there.

Clint: Okay, but… Davy Lamp. Okay.

Griffin: That was like an old-timey lamp that was less flammable that miners would use.

Clint: Ohhh.

Travis: You just blew Dad away. Now the son has become the dad.

Griffin: I blew Dad away with the-

Justin: Congratulations on your new dad promotion.

Griffin: Look at me. Look at me. I’m the dad now. [Travis laughs]

Clint: Take it.

Travis: [laughing harder] This shit sucks!

Clint: Wait your turn, pal. Just wait, just wait.

Griffin: Let me describe the scene a little bit. There’s a piano. There’s a guy playing the piano.

[“The Davy Lamp” begins playing in the background]

Griffin: There’s about a dozen people here. Most of them are just kind of sitting around tables, drinking. There is an elf wearing a really slick-looking poncho who’s playing poker.

Travis: Ooh!

Griffin: They’re not playing poker-

Travis: Aw.

Griffin: They’re playing some card game that you never really seen before one-on-one. It is a one-on-one game that they’re playing against some other nonessential NPC. And then there’s the bartender, who is polishing - oh, shit, this is gonna be - she’s a dark elf woman who is holding a magic rod which is, like, halfway between a wand and a staff, that seems like - imagine gunsmoke is coming off of it. You can tell, Taako, that this rod was just used to kick the asses of those two guys.



[crosstalk]



Clint: Can there be a shuffleboard game? Please, please, please, please, please. One of those shuffleboard games with the sawdust, please?

Griffin: There’s one of those shuffleboard games with the sawdust.

Clint: Yeah!

Griffin: But it’s one of them, like, one of the legs is a little short, so the game is just absolutely not fun to play.

Clint: Aw.

Griffin: Ummmmm. Fire and ice, baby, that’s me. That’s how I do it. Coming at you hot and cold. [Clint giggling] But anyway, it is a lively scene that, as soon as you walk in, becomes a not-lively scene. And despite the fact that an apparent barfight did not interrupt the flow, the party flow in this spot, the three of you walking in definitely does.

Travis: Wait, are you telling me that they’re not being rustically hospitable to me?

Griffin: Uh, in this exact moment? No. They’re not being mean to you, they just look at you with shock, bearing in mind that this is a town that like a hundred people live in and, hey, here’s three new people.



Justin: Yeah,



Justin: I go to the bartender.

Clint: Saunter. Saunter over to them.

Justin: I saunter. That’s good, Dad. I saunter over.



Justin: Sorry, R-E-N or W-R-E-N?

Griffin: Uh, just R-E-N.

Clint: How about R-E-N-N? Then there could be a Footloose connection.

Travis: No.

Griffin: Nope!

Clint: Okay.



Justin: What is it about the three of us fuckin’ playing Dungeons and Dragons where- just the basic keystones of human conversation, just like instantly escape us-

Griffin: Go right out the window, yeah.

Travis: No, I’m playing Magnus! He’s not charismatic!

Justin: [in an imitation of Magnus’s voice] “Did you need anything fixed?” [back to normal] Like, that’s not charismatic! There’s nothing less charismatic than that.

Clint: I’ll tell you what, I have an idea.



Griffin: It was about - your show in the Underdark was about six years ago.



Griffin: The horrific event that caused you to stop doing the show, the big poisoning, that was like five years ago.

Travis: Got it.



Griffin: Yeah, thought that’d be good.



Griffin: Let’s do two quick scenes, ‘cause I do wanna follow up on that.

Clint: Okay.

Griffin: Taako, let’s do this conversation between you and Ren first.

Justin: Great.



Griffin: She reaches down under the table and gets a key for you and hands it to you and says,



Travis: See you at noon-oh-one.

Justin: I’ll be there at 12:01 prompt.

Clint: Is there early check-in?



Clint: June. June.



Griffin: I wanna do the arm-wrestling scene. That elf in the poncho motions you, Merle and Magnus, over.

Travis: Okay.

Griffin: And the big, big, big guy that the elf in the poncho was playing cards with, the elf motions and says,



Griffin: And the guy he motions to is - it’s a goliath, which is a race in D&D 5e that is, as the name might denote, a big race.



Griffin: Do you show them the pecs?

Travis: Ehh - noooo-

Griffin: Do you show them the pecs, summer boy?

Travis: Yeah, you know what? I do, fuck it. Magnus rushes in, I show them the pecs and I sit down at the table.

Clint: Yeah!



Griffin: The goliath also flexes and he has four pecs.



Travis: I lean in to Merle.



Griffin: Okay. The elf and this goliath accept your bet, and, uh-

Travis: I put up the hand with Phantom Fist on it.

Griffin: Okay.



Griffin: And the elf says,



Justin: The classic “my glove smells bad” play.



Travis: All right, I remove the glove.

Griffin: Okay. You’re - so we’re arm wrestling, then.

Travis: I guess so!

Justin: Do I have any awareness of this? This is happening simultaneously with my scene.

Griffin: Yeah, this is happening behind your back.

Justin: Okay. [dice roll] I’m good out here.

Travis: Oh god. [dice roll again]

Clint: Is there any way I can cast something without everybody knowing it?

Griffin: You can cast something. Whether or not nobody knows it is-

Justin: I think it would be - I think it would be dependent on what type of spell it is.

Griffin: Yeah, some of it is verbal, some of it is material-based.

Justin: If it has a V on it then it’s verbal, which I guess you could do a… I don’t know.

Clint: I have an idea.

Griffin: Fucking cough under your breath, be like, “[coughing] super strength!”

Clint: No.



Clint: I put my hand on Magnus’s shoulder, just charging straight ahead, and start mumbling some mumbo-jumbo, but as I do that I cast Bull’s Strength on him, from Enhance Ability.

Griffin: Okay.



Griffin: -the elf says, and they put their hand on this big goliath.



Clint: Bull’s Strength. It… you gain this effect until the spell ends.

Travis: Great.

Clint: Hold on.

Griffin: [laughs] It is a spell and when you have it, you got it. When you get the spell, it does the thing the spell does.

Justin: When you got it, you will know.

Travis: You will know in your heart the bull was in you all along.

Clint: You have advantage on strength checks.

Travis: Okay. Okay!

Clint: So he has advantage on strength.

Travis: Am I gonna roll first, or is Goliath gonna go first?

Griffin: I already rolled, you go ahead.

Travis: [rolls dice] Okay, well, thank god for advantage, cause that was an 11. That was a 19. Uh… 8, so 27.

Griffin: Uh, this goliath rolled a 29.

Travis: Tits!

Clint: Wow!

Griffin: Slams your arm down harrrrd.

Travis: Now hold on, 29 versus 27, you think that slams it down, Griffin?

Griffin: I think the 29 can do whatever the hell it pleases.

Travis: So there was no way I was going to beat this goliath.

Griffin: Not the way that this situation went down, no. Slams your hand down-

Travis: We’ll get him again next time.



Griffin: And the elf says,



Griffin: They hold out their hand.



Griffin: The goliath, with a single hand, picks up the table in between you and like lifts it in the air and sort of sets it down at his side so there’s nothing between you and says,



Travis: My hand goes to my sword.

Griffin: You don’t have - oh, your rapier?

Travis: Mhm.

Griffin: Okay. Alright. If we’re doing this thing, let’s fucking do this thing.

Travis: Oh, no, I didn’t draw it, my hand just goes to it.

Griffin: No, that was the goliath.



Griffin: -he says, and stands up.



Griffin: I’m gonna hop back into the other scene because I think at this point Ren sees what’s going on and says,



[“The Davy Lamp” begins playing in the background]

Travis: Magnus runs out of the building.

Griffin: Okay.



Travis: Magnus yells back,



[interlude music continues]

{34:00}

[commercial break]

[interlude music returns]

{41:04}

Griffin: Suddenly, an earthquake.

Travis: I am running towards the bank, that is what I was doing.

Griffin: Okay. It is 11:30, which is earthquake o’clock. There is a short but powerful tremor that rattles the whole town. Merle and Taako - what are you guys doing, are you just hanging out in the bar?

Justin: I’m like chilling. I’m asking Ren, like,



Griffin: She’s scooping up some broken glass that’s on the floor. Some bottles have fallen down, some glasses have been knocked over, and there’s some broken glass on the floor. She says,



Griffin: By the way, this conversation is only happening with Taako, because Merle, unless you run away or do something you are still on the hook for those diamonds.



Travis: That’s the witch - yeah, okay. That’s the witches thing, okay.



Griffin: She hands you the key. Merle, what are you doing?



Griffin: The goliath has grabbed you by the ankles and is now shaking you violently to try and make diamonds come out of you.

Clint: I poop a diamond.

Travis: Wait, what?

Griffin: No, that is a dwarf racial feature. [Clint laughs]

Justin: That’s a dwarf racist feature that people’s racist grandpas say about dwarves.



Griffin: He puts you down.



Clint: I hold up my tree hand.

Griffin: Okay.



Clint: And I turn and run. [Justin laughs]

Griffin: Okay.



Justin: And I run after him.

Griffin: All right. It’s a little bit after 11:30. You see Roswell, who doesn’t see you, walking his way into Helpington’s, where you saw-

Justin: Oh, by the way, I just - point of order, I catch them up on the stuff that she told me.

Griffin: Okay, that’s fine.

Clint: [gibberish meant to indicate speaking quickly]

Griffin: You see Roswell walking over to Helpington’s to do some clean-up, help with clean-up like you saw in the last loop. What are you– doing– Oh, you also see, I should point out, coming down the street, coming out from around the jail, from the sheriff’s office, you see Cassidy, who kind of like pokes her head down Main Street and looks around and then turns and walks back out of sight. What do you want to do?

Travis: Wow. Um, so here’s-

Clint: Why don’t we go on to the bank?

Travis: Yeah. So here’s what I know. Magnus knows that there was a hit on the bank in the last loop.

Griffin: Right.

Travis: And people died.

Griffin: Sure.

Travis: So I feel like Magnus wants to hang around the bank to prevent that from happening again.

Griffin: That is totally fair and that’s your prerogative. Point of order, about fifteen minutes after that, everybody dies.

Travis: Yeah, but we’re trying to figure out the perfect loops, right?

Griffin: Sure, yeah.

Justin: Yeah, but I feel like the perfect loop involves not everybody dying.

[Clint laughs]



Griffin: I would let you guys split up if you wanted. If you wanted to split up and we could do two quick scenes. I mean, you got an hour, so that might - it might be the best way to get stuff done.

Travis: I’m down with that.



Griffin: Okay. So we’ll do, uh, witch first, and then we’ll do Cassidy.

Justin: Okay.

Griffin: So, Taako and Magnus, you two are going to the witch, going to visit Paloma?

Travis: Yes.

Griffin: Okay. You make your way into the woods behind the elder’s manor.

Travis: Just to double-check real quick, I’m gonna pull out the Lens of Straight Creeping and make sure that we’re not about to be ambushed or anything, that this isn’t the way that the people went.

Griffin: Um… so, hm. Which way would the people have went? No, I don’t think you necessarily see the footprints here.

Travis: Great.

Griffin: Or the blood trail that you also would’ve caused.

Justin: I’m - as we approach, I’m gonna cast Detect Magic.

Griffin: Okay. There’s a lot of it!

Justin: Okay, but what this does- I’m basically trying to watch out for traps, so this puts an aura around anything magical.

Griffin: Oh, okay.

Justin: So in case this witch doesn’t want visitors, I wanna know.

Griffin: Sure, sure, sure.

Travis: Are we dealing with a Baba Yaga situation, Griffin? If so, you have to tell us. Otherwise it’s entrapment.

Griffin: No, no, legally - sure. No, you don’t - you detect a lot - so you see the hut. I should say, actually, before you see the hut, you smell the hut. And it smells amazing. You know how - the Heiner’s factory in the west end of Huntington, West Virginia?

Travis: Oh, sure.

Griffin: Once you’re within, like, a mile of - Heiner’s makes amazing bread, and once you’re within a mile of that place, you could literally- it literally - it produces visible stink lines that you could follow through the air like a cartoon cat.

Justin: Fucking float.

Clint: And you fly, you float.

Justin: Yeah, you float on, like - like oh.

Griffin: That’s literally what we’re talking about here. You smell, like, sweet bread and pie and sweets.

Clint: Another stop to make next Candlenights, folks.

Griffin: Sure.



Clint: It’s gingerbread!

Griffin: No, it’s not a gingerbread house, holy shit, no, that would be too much even for me. You, using detect magic, Taako, you detect - I mean, some fucking magically delicious baked goods, but also, like, divination magic, like out the ass.

Travis: Just for simplicity’s sake, Griffin, let’s just say that we have our Stones of Far Speech open.

Griffin: Yeah, sure.

Travis: So when Dad makes comments on stuff it’s not weird.

Griffin: Yeah, okay. [Clint laughs] So you make your way up to the hut. There’s no traps you can see. It is a small, very small cottage.

Travis: I knock on the door.

Griffin: Okay.



Griffin: You hear,



[Travis and Clint laugh]

[“Paloma” begins playing in the background]

Travis: Okay. I do.

Griffin: Okay. You open the door and you enter into a very strange room. Hanging from the ceiling are a bunch of crystals of some sort, and they’re all in the shape of teardrops and they’re various sizes, just kind of hanging from the ceiling on these very thin threads. Floating around this room - it’s a small room, it’s cozy and kinda cramped. There’s a lot of stuff in here, including a lot of cakes and pies and cupcakes that are kind of floating freely around the room in these little glass-covered serving dishes.

And then sitting behind a table and in front of a large, round oven is a woman, a human with a kind of rosy complexion. Wearing some… -she’s wearing an apron, a cooking apron. She’s wearing some white, sort of frilly robes. She says - let me figure out what the fucking accent’s going to be before I just kinda - run into it.

Travis: Yeah, that’d be great.

Griffin: I wanted to do, like, Björk.



Justin: Wait, is this the old woman?

Griffin: Nope.

Justin: Okay.



Justin: I don’t know, I just don’t have anything to add right now. I talked a lot to Ren, so I’m just trying to let him take the lead.

Travis: He’s being a good partner, Griffin.

Justin: If you want everybody to shout simultaneously on our podcast, we can definitely get around to that.

Griffin: Please do.

Travis: We’re playing Good Cop, Hungry Cop.

Griffin: Paloma says,



[music fades out]

Griffin: To give you an idea, the small prophecy - Paloma’s kind of here as a guide to help keep you guys on track whenever you need advice. Sort of like the fortune teller in the Zelda games. If you need immediate direction, small prophecy is your jam. If you need something or you - not need but maybe want to know something a bit more big-picture, a bit more long-term, that would be a big prophecy. She says,



Travis: We’re getting in some Bill and Ted shit and I love it.



Griffin: Yeah, she accepts that as payment.

Travis: Great.



Griffin: She says,



Travis: So Griffin, I have a question before we move forward with this.



Travis: So when this loop resets, is the cup gone?

Griffin: You don’t know.

Travis: Oh, no. My tankard.

Griffin: She invites you to sit down at this little table, there’s a little bench with a rug over it. As you sit down the room goes dark. It’s not like any lights went out, it’s kind of like darkness filled the room up. You can see Paloma. Her oven is still on, and there’s something fucking intoxicatingly delicious being baked in there, but it’s also providing some backlighting for this scene. And from the ceiling, a small one of those crystal teardrops falls on the table and shatters, and the dust hangs in the air.

Griffin: And you see, in this cloud of dust, you see what looks like the entrance to a cave or something. It looks like the - not a cave, because it looks more man-made. And it is - whatever has happened there, there’s been a cave-in, and this entrance is completely surrounded by rocks. And she says - and her voice sounds a bit different now as she’s in prophecy mode, and she’s no longer looking you in the eyes. And she says,



Griffin: And then the light comes back on.



Griffin: She says,



Justin: I’m gonna say, Trav, I think we should go ahead and bolt. We’ll come across some diamonds at some point when we actually need this. I think we have some good leads to go on.

Travis: Yeah, I think maybe we’ll have some diamonds at the quarry.

Justin: Well I don’t know, maybe.

Griffin: Let’s jump on over to Merle. Merle, you see the boys run off into the woods, and as you walk past the jail and turn the corner, you see Cassidy, and she is working her - she’s walking towards the quarry. Again, there’s a very tall wooden wall, and you see her actually - when you first lay eyes on her, she is scurrying up and over that wall and then out of sight into the quarry.

Clint: Well, shit.

Griffin: Well, I mean, it’s not-

Clint: I scurry after her, I’m just not a good wall-climber.

Griffin: Okay, that’s fair. There’s a gate that you can see. It’s not walls all the way around. In fact, the road out of town actually dead-ends at this gate. It’s as tall as the rest of the wall and as thick as the rest of the wall, but it has a large metal padlock on it.

Clint: Okay. I walk up to that padlock and pull out The Nitpicker.

Griffin: Okay. Yeah, you drop the Nitpicker - what did we name the Nitpicker? Anybody remember? Probably not. You put the Nitpicker down and it animates and comes to life and says,



Travis: Uh, Bud.

Griffin: Bud! That’s right.

Travis: But Nitpicker insists that his name is Ernest.

Griffin: Ernest, yes! That’s better. Ernest says,



Griffin: And he starts working on the lock and says,



Clint: I feel like I’m doing a scene with Gilbert Gottfried.

Travis: You wish.



Justin: Hey, Nitpicker, ask him why he sounds like my dad and not his character.



Griffin: You hear a click as the padlock unlocks, and the gate starts to give.



Clint: I grab him by the feet, I shove him back into the pack, and I say,



Clint: I sound like Red from That 70s Show.

Griffin: From inside your bag you hear,



Griffin: Then he shuts down. Okay, yeah, the gate is unlocked.

Clint: I run through and I chase down Cassidy.

Griffin: Okay, you’re just gonna fucking barrel on through, what’s your MO? How are you…

Clint: I’m gonna approach her. I have an idea about an opening.

Travis: Then do it!

Griffin: Okay, uh, let me lay this out first. You make your way into the gate and you see Cassidy, who is - she looks kind of suspicious. She’s, like, creeping. There’s kind of a ramp that folds in on itself that goes back and forth as it lowers you down into the quarry because the quarry is a good eighty feet down from the level of the town. So she’s making her way down this ramp, and you are above her, and from above her she does not see you yet, but you can see her kind of creeping. Creeping into this quarry.

Clint: I call out to her.

Griffin: Okay.



Griffin: She looks up at you and she runs, she’s just bolting. She’s running down this ramp.

Clint: I’ll chase after her!

Griffin: Okay. She’s actually yelling behind you,



Griffin: Is this yelling conversation happening while the two of you are running back and forth down this stairwell, basically?

Clint: Yeah, I love it.



Griffin: She stopped yelling at you, and as you turn a corner down this ramp, you kind of lost track of her. And you don’t see her, and you’re a few kind of ramps down from reaching the bottom of the quarry.

Travis: Wait, we have the Stones of Far Speech, right?

Griffin: Yeah.



Griffin: Are you gonna heed his instructions or keep following Cassidy down into the quarry?

Clint: I’m gonna keep following her.

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: [laughs] Okay!

Griffin: You make your way down to the bottom of the ramp, and you don’t see her anymore. What’s your passive perception?

Clint: What is that under?

Griffin: Your skills.

Clint: Oh, um, plus 3.

Griffin: Okay, I rolled a stealth roll for her, and it was not good. You hear the sound of soft sand crunching behind you from underneath the ramp that you just ran down. Sounds like someone’s about to get the drop on you.

Clint: I’m gonna make a bold move and turn around.

Griffin: Okay. You see Cassidy, she’s got a big shovel, and she has it up in the air and sees you and says,



Clint: I lift the Extreme Teen Bible. I smile at her gently. And I sing,



Griffin: Okay. [Travis laughs] She brings the shovel down directly on top of your head. [rolls dice]



Travis: Clinton, you just got clocked by a shovel.

Griffin: 24 versus your AC.

Justin: [laughing, snorts] Oh, man, that’s an amazing visual.

Clint: My AC is 18.

Griffin: [rolls dice] She hits you for 19 points of damage, and you are stunned. You kind of topple over backwards and she runs off deeper into the quarry. And you hear an explosion coming from the town above you.



Griffin: She is gone into the quarry. Magnus and Taako, what are you guys doing?



Justin: And I hop on his back.



Travis: And I start running towards the town. All the while I’m yelling my plan to Taako.

Griffin: Okay. A lot of running while yelling. It’s like a fucking high octane Aaron Sorkin piece in this motherfucker.



Travis: So we’re running for the bank.



Griffin: Okay. I’m get-

Justin: [imitates a horse whinnying] [Clint laughs]



[“Garyl” begins playing in the background]

Griffin: Man, I’m assuming Garyl’s gonna be in basically every episode of this arc.



Griffin: Okay, you mount up. Who’s in front?

Justin: That would be me. I’m the only one who can control Garyl. [Travis laughs]

Griffin: Okay.



Griffin: You mount up and run to the bank. You get there quick, like-



Griffin: You get there in like 45 seconds.

[music ends]

Griffin: There’s a guy there laying on the ground who’s just been terribly burned, and you hear the sound of fighting coming from inside.

Travis: Okay. We run in, or at least I do.

Griffin: Okay.



Griffin: Okay, you run in and you see Roswell handily beating the shit out of the other guys in there, and you see the guards dead. You see some ruffians dead. And you see the dwarf woman in the back of the room, who is really bad off. And yeah, there’s some diamonds scattered across the floor. Not, like, a lot. Not like the vault was blown open. Again, the vault is still secure. A little bit scorched, but whatever was in the banker’s till or whatever it’s called got scattered across the room.

Travis: Okay, I scoop up as many of them as I can.

Griffin: Okay. While the fight is happening?

Travis: Yep.

Griffin: Okay. Roswell sees you doing that and is like-

Clint: That sounds more like a Taako thing.

Griffin: Roswell looks at you and says,



Griffin: You say that as you [laughing] walk backwards out of the burning bank?

Travis: Well, hold on, how many diamonds do I have?

Griffin: You picked up all the diamonds that were around the room, you have about twenty. No, you know what? You have a lot. You got about fifty diamonds.

Travis: Great. While I’ve got those scooped up, I put them in my bag, I’d assume? And I’m gonna run and go grab the dwarf woman.

Griffin: Okay.

Justin: Wait, this is really important. While he’s doing that, Taako, having figured out that time’s about to reset, is just fucking blasting spells into the air for no reason. Just, like, Wall of Force, Wall of Stone, everything. Just blowing out spells out of his wand.

Griffin: Alright, you’re doing that. Merle, you kind of come to, and from your position on the ground you see Cassidy, who is now - she walked to the right after she knocked you out, away from, if you consult the map, away from the entrance, deeper into the mines. Now she’s walking towards that entrance, which you can see looks like a man-made entrance. There’s some wood framing that looks like it’s been caved in.

Griffin: Cassidy is holding what looks like a giant cluster of green grapes, but they’re not grapes, they just kind of have that shape that is attached to a long wire with a plunger. And she is walking over to those rocks and she starts fiddling around with that, but you are still pretty much incapacitated. You could actually - do a constitution saving throw?

Clint: [rolls dice] [sarcastically] Great! It’s a 3. And with my modifier, it’s a 6.

Griffin: No. Yeah, you’re still stunned. Okay, Magnus, you pretty easily get through the fight, and you grab the dwarven woman and bring her outside, and she says,



Travis: I set her down.

Griffin: Okay. You set her down and she just kind of passes out on the ground. It is - you hear the fighting inside kind of stop, and pretty much as soon as you get her outside, the bank collapses again, with Roswell and everybody else who was inside - inside of it.

Travis: I will definitely get Roswell next time.

Griffin: Okay, but now you have fifty diamonds. All three of you, from your relative positions - actually, Merle, your position’s a little bit further away. All three of you go through essentially the thing that just happened again. You hear the clock chime, starting its countdown to noon. And right as it hits that twelfth chime, the clock tower, which is on fire from the bank, snaps in half and falls over into the elder’s manor, destroying it. And the ground kind of swells up as cracks form, and heat starts to push out from those cracks, and then just like that, the ground compresses.

[“The Clock Strikes Noon (Apocalypse)” begins playing in the background]

Griffin: And it pulls you down in with it, killing you, Magnus, and killing you, Taako, pretty quickly. Merle, you are also subject to this catastrophe, although right before it happens, those rocks - before Cassidy can do whatever she was doing to them, they get blasted out by a wave of force, like buckshot from a shotgun as the ground pulls you under. You are burned. And you are crushed. And you are dead.

Travis: The end. We only actually got two chances.

[music fades; eerie background noise begins]

Griffin: And you wake up in that white space again, and the old woman says,



Griffin: You don’t get the chance to get an answer from that question as she kind of fades out, and you wake up again on the ground in front of Refuge.

[background noise fades out]

Clint: Oh, boy.

Travis: First thing I do is check my bag.

Griffin: The good news is, you’ve got your cup! The bad news is-

[crosstalk]

Travis: Shit!

Griffin: You do not have fifty diamonds.

Travis: Okay, well, that answers that, huh?

Justin: I’m gonna delete the YouTube video I was making about how to do an infinite diamond glitch in The Adventure Zone. [everyone laughs]

[theme music plays; MaxFun end card; ad for Still Buffering; episode ends]