Ep. 21: Petals to the Metal - Chapter Four/Transcript

Transcript by the lovely volunteers at TAZscripts.

Griffin: Previously on The Adventure Zone:

Griffin: In that, the wasteland, outside of the city limits of, uh, Goldcliff, you see these long lines of dust clouds. And as you get even closer you realized that the clouds are being whipped up by wagons, that are speeding through the wasteland. Uh,

Clint: Is it a race?

Travis: Good question.

Griffin: With your six untrained eyes, uh, eight if you count the goldfish, it kinda, kinda looks like it a little bit.

Clint: Hmmm.

Griffin: Uhhm, you see a slender woman and on her face she is wearing a, uh, black feathered mask.



Griffin: She says.

Travis: Magnus says,



Travis: And charges her.

Griffin: She’s gonna cast Thunderwave. Uh, 21 points of damage.



Clint: Uhm, 2 points dead.

Justin: Oh I’m negative 5, baby.

Griffin: Uh, and through that window swings a halfling woman, wearing what looks like a karate gi. As she rolls into the room she says,



Griffin: Without saying a word, the Raven turns into a gray cloud and goes flying out the window.



[INTRO MUSIC: "Déjà Vu" by Mort Garson ]

{1:57}

Griffin: The three of you have been successfully, uh, e-extracted from the—

Justin: [singing] Happy birthday to you!

Griffin: Oop, okay.

Clint: Aww, [laughing] aww, stop.

Justin: [singing] Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday, dear Daddy!

Clint: Oh, Justin.

Justin: [singing] Happy birthday to you!

Clint: Oh and a cake? Oh my lord!

Justin: I made a fantasy cake.

Griffin: Uhm—

Justin: Happy birthday, Daddy!

Griffin: Happy birthday, Daddy! A-as your gift, uh, your character is \still alive!

Travis: Yayy!!

Clint: [relieved sigh]

Justin: Oh, thank goodness.

Clint: It’s the gift that keeps on giving!

Griffin: It’s a gift I’ve also given to Taako uhm, in fact the three of you—

Justin: Oh, excellent.

Griffin: —have been, the three of you—

Clint: It’s my birthday.

Griffin: - the three of you have been Rescue 911’ed, from the uh, from the Goldcliff Trust. Uhh, you don’t remember a lot, it’s kinda hazy, it was kind of touch and go there for a while, but this halfling woman that came to your rescue there at the very end of our last adventure, uh, p- pulled the three of you from this building so you’re- you’re back outside with the Goldcliff militia. Still sort of encircling the building, um, although the vines that had grown around the building and had started to like encompass it, have started to, uh, turn gray and start to die and start to, sort of, peel off of the building. Uhm, and- and-—

Clint: Are we like on gurneys, with like IVs and all that stuff?

Justin: Yeah, are we beat up or are we—

Travis: Are we in the recovery tent, like eating a couple cookies, and like having some orange juice?

Griffin: Yeah, you’re in, you’re all splitting some Halos, some tangelos, and uh—

[Clint laughing]

Griffin: —the- the Goldcliff militia medics are seeing to you. You’ve been brought back from unconsciousness. I should point out, when, when a, when-- this is just good for future reference I guess, if your guys hit points drop to zero, you don’t die. We had a lot of people tweeting like ‘Well, I guess Justin and- and Clint are off the show,’ no that’s, that’s not exactly how it works.

Travis: But if you would like to vote for that, push 5555 on your phone—

Griffin: Wow.

[Clint laughing]

Travis: —and text the words ‘Taako’.

Justin: Only you can save—

Clint: That’s how they killed Robin.

Griffin: Uh, no, you don’t do anything - you don’t do anything else, you just press 5555, and we’ll know.

Travis: Mhm, just—

Griffin: We’ll get it.

Travis: —and just, don’t stop pressing 5 until the next episode comes out.

[Clint laughing]

Griffin: Uh, Captain Bane walks into the cooldown tent and says, uh,



Justin: Wait—I don’t want—

Griffin: Huh?

Justin: I do not want to continue this adventure and get caught up in all your magical entanglements until I have clarified that we have taken a short rest.

Griffin: Okay.

Justin: I want it clear that we’ve rested.

Clint: Yes. Have we rested?

Griffin: Yeah, you’re good--you guys have had uh, you guys have had a rest.

Justin: Phew. Okay. All right.

Griffin: You’ve had a calm down, alright uhm. So if you wanna roll your hit dice and recover some HPs. I’ll- I’m fine with that, I’ll allow that to happen.

Justin: I don’t know how that works.

Griffin: Uhm, y’know what we’re gonna, we’re about to get into long rest town, unless you decide to just like, just start fighting people, uh, we’re- we’re about to get into long rest territory and that’ll just reset you back to zero, so um, you don’t have to—

Justin: Well, how many hit dice do I have? Why don’t you just tell me, how many—I don’t—what’s the deal with that hit dice. I don’t, I don’t understand.

Travis: There’s a hit dice square.

Griffin: Yeah, and you roll those and that’s how you get back points on a short rest but, I’m gonna give you a long rest, you’re about to take a full- full blown snooze.

Justin: I just don’t understand why me understanding the basic rules of Dungeons and Dragons is like an unfit way to spend our time.

[Clint laughing]

Justin: Like, I should—

Travis: God forbid Justin knows what he’s doing.

Justin:—understand the rules at this point.

Griffin: You have a resource called—

Justin: We’re twenty fucking episodes in.

Griffin: —you have a resource called hit dice right?

Justin: How many do I got? It’s not on my sheet.

Griffin: You’re, I’m not your, I don’t know dude, I’m not—

Travis: Look directly down from armor class.

Justin: No, I mean it’s on my sheet, it’s just blank ‘cuz I don’t have it filled out.

Griffin: Well, then whose fault is that?

Justin: What are you feelin’ like four? Does that feel right?

Griffin: [chuckles] No, it’s more than four—

Justin: Seven?

Griffin: Just let me—let me cradle you in my- in my narrative—

[Travis laughing]

Justin: I’m in your narrative Baby Bjorn.

Griffin: Um—

Clint: Hold- hold him to your narrative bosom.

Griffin: Captain Bane walks into the cool down tent and says, uh,



[Clint laughs]



Justin: In case anybody’s wondering why the birthday boy hasn’t tried to get in on this one, he has taken to literally examining books on my shelf, pulling them off the shelf, checking out the cover and then returning them back.

Clint: It’s my birthday!

Griffin: It’s his birthday, he doesn’t have to engage! With our Space Jam fanfiction—

Clint: And I never heard of any of these movies! What are these movies?

Justin: [laughing] You’ve never heard of Mighty Ducks—

Justin, Griffin, Travis (simultaneously): or Space Jam?

Travis: These are deep cuts, old man!

Clint: Well, I’m familiar with Mighty Ducks just because I’m familiar with real sports like the Anaheim Ducks—

Justin: Okay.

Clint: But Space Jam, I only know it from the references on that other podcast you do.



[Clint wheezing]



Griffin: He looks to the uh, he looks to the medics in the room and he says, uh,



Griffin: And they say uh, they said,



Griffin: And then they leaved, um and uh-

Justin and Clint: [laughing, overlapping] Wait, wait, what-

Clint: Were they German gangsters?

Griffin: Yaass!

Clint: [in badly accented German] Ja, ve’ll go outside the tent now.

Griffin: And, uh—

Justin: Just to be clear, Griffin, they leaved?

Griffin: [overlapping] Yeah, they leaved.

Justin: Is that the word you used? They leaved? Okay, I just want to make sure they leaved.

Travis: He was using the past present participle.

Griffin: Exactly. Uh, and Bane turns to the three of you, uh, and says, uh,



[Clint and Travis laughing]



[overlapping: Griffin, Travis, and Clint laughing, clapping]



[Justin laughing]



[Travis laughing]



Travis: Pringles, there are Pringles in this universe Griffin, it’s pre-established, our roommate wanted some Pringles. Boom.

Griffin: [laughing] Oh, that’s right, oh yes, of course.



Griffin: Now you’re just talking-

Clint: [overlapping] That’s not gonna fly, is it?

Griffin: You’re just talking outta your ass.

[Clint laughing]



Griffin: Um—



Griffin: You, you see, uh, Lieutenant Hurley, the uh, halfling monk woman who saved you, uuuhhh, from- from, uh, the Raven’s attacks, uh, just a- a- a- few—

Justin: Griffin, can I- can I- can you clarify something for me? I noticed you’re in the habit of doing this: if you say halfling monk woman, that’s not actually accurate right?

Griffin: What do you mean?

Clint [overlapping]: Like she’s half-monkey...

Justin: Like, she’s not a- she’s not a woman, right?

Griffin: No, she is a woma—

Justin: She’s a halfling.

Griffin: She’s a f…

Justin: Like isn’t a woman and a man, like, those are humans, right?

Travis: Female.

Griffin: Yeah, but that seems wei— uh, half-lette, half-leh?

Justin: You know what I’m saying?

Griffin: Yeah I guess. Half-leh... half-leh... half-less? Is that- what’s the- what’s the female elf?

Travis: A half-lix? A half-lix? Or, a halfling- a halfling isn’t a half-elf, a halfling is like uh, uh, uh—

Griffin: A hobbit.

Travis: A hobbit.

Griffin: Yeah.

Clint: But we can’t use that because of licensing, right?

Griffin: No, we can’t in fact I beeped it out, uh, every time we’ve said it so far.

Justin: So, for, for—

Travis [overlapping]: hobbit hobbit hobbit hobbit hobbit hobbit hobbit-

Griffin: Goddamn it.

[Clint laughing]

Travis: Monks in the um, the DND universe, that’s like um the fighting style class, right? Not like a religious—

Griffin: Yeah, it’s more Friar- Friar Laurence, less Friar Tuck, or did I get those confused?

Travis: You switched it.

Griffin: Okay, well you know I—

Justin: You swapped it—

Griffin: Uhh, you—

Travis: But they use a staff right?

Griffin: —use bo staffs, use their hands,—

Justin: So it, it’s more like Friar Donatello, than Friar Laurence.

[Clint laughing]

Griffin: You see Friar Donatello, uhh-uhh a few dozen yards away and she is tending to two, uh militiamen who had been sort of swallowed up by these vines and have suffered some pretty serious scrapes and bruises, uh, and you see her clap her hands together and sort of rub them together to build some sort of friction. Uh - and then she places her hands on the wounds and then uh- you see like a sort of radiant light, uh c-come from her hands and then the wounds are gone and these- these wounded soldiers look a little bit more vital, little bit—



Griffin: That is in fact what she did to you, you can—

Travis: She Miyagi’d us?

Griffin: Yeah, you remember sort of through the haze of your uh, your unconsciousness that she, uh, she tended to your wounds, back up on the top of the vault. Uhh. So she brings these two uh—

Travis: She gave us good-good touches.

Griffin: Well...

Clint: In my opinion, she used her chi’s, cuz I’ve - I’ve read about that, before.

Griffin: That’s right, she cheese- she cheesed y’all.

Travis: She harnessed her cheese.



[Travis laughing]

Griffin: Sh-she walks over to you and says,



[laughing]



Griffin: She- she looks, forlorn. She looks kinda bummed out. She says uh—



Travis: I’m gonna roll insight, Griffy.

Griffin: ‘Kay.

Travis: Uh, 16, okay, so just a flat 16.

Griffin: Okay, yeah she’s- she’s definitely lying, y- you get the impression that she’s- she is not being for—



Griffin: forthright.



Clint [yelling]: Zone of Truth!

Justin: Zone of Truth is back!

Clint [yelling]: Zone of Truth!

Griffin: Okay, she gets to roll to resist the Zone of Truth right?

[Clint laughing]

Justin: Yeah, probably.

Travis: That sounds right.

Justin: Doesn’t seem to be the most like, narratively useful thing, but I’m certain she can resist.

Griffin: Yeah, it’s a charisma block. Uh- she rolled a 4 so I’m gonna go ahead and say, regardless of what the modifiers could be, and whatever the target is, that- that’s gonna fail. Uh, the three of you also need to roll though, I think you’re trying to beat a 14.

Travis: I rolled a 4!

Griffin: Okay, you’re telling the truth.

Justin: I rolled a 6.

Griffin: Truth.

Clint: I rolled a 16.

Griffin: All right, so dad can lie, everyone else is on truth duty.

Justin: Okay, sounds good.



Griffin: She says, uh—



[Griffin laughing]



Griffin [laughing]: So, so you’re just like, you’re just lying as much as- you have cashed in on your lying.

Travis: If you beat the Zone of Truth, you actually are forced to lie.

[Griffin laughing]



[Griffin laughing]



Griffin: She says and starts to uh- walk- walk briskly like a- like a speedy monk would, away from this- away from this scene.

Travis: Should we tell Captain Captain Bane goodbye or?

Griffin: Nah- he’s probably - he’s probably...

Travis: Leave him a note?

Griffin: He’s probably cool with it.

Travis: Okay, I jot down a note ‘Dear Captain Bane, went with Lieutenant Hurley, we need more milk. Love, Magnus’

[laughing]

Griffin: Uh, so the three of you follow her through the—

Clint: [quietly] Quit touching my stuff.

Griffin: Through the uh- through the winding streets of uh, of Goldcliff. She’s actually pretty tricky to keep up with. She uh, she- she moves really quickly—

Travis: Griffin is there, do we like, get a chance to like, stop and do any like, sightseeing or like pick up any, like, souvenirs or tchotchkes or anything?

Griffin: Um, no or else you’d lose her. Do you wanna lose her?

Travis: Well, can I ask her?

Clint: No! No.

Griffin: We don’t have time! To shop. You ju—

Travis: But I want tchotchkes!

Griffin: You can shop- listen, you know the structure of this show, after the adventure’s over then you can shop! You’ve done this before.

Travis [overlapping]: Yeah but we’ll shop back up on the moon, I want like a magnet or a postcard or something.

Clint [overlapping]: Travis - Travis- It’s my birthday—

Griffin: Yes, you can buy a Goldcliff magnet.

Travis: Yay! I’m adding that to my inventory.

Griffin: Okay, but it- it cost you 600- it cost you 600 gold pieces.

[Clint laughing]

Travis: I steal it.

Griffin: M’kay, roll a sleight of hand check.

Clint: Aww.

Travis: That’s - I rolled a 12.

Griffin: Okay. [dice rolling] The shopkeeper rolled a 16 perception.



Griffin: Uh, and Hurley turns around and says,



Travis: Okay, I give it back.



Griffin: Says the shopkeeper.



[Travis laughing]

Clint: What was that shopkeeper’s name? ‘Cause he will come back.

Griffin: His name was- Haley Joel Osment. From Pay it Forward.

Clint: Haley Joel—

Griffin: Haley Joel Helen Hunt. Also from Pay it Forward.

[Clint laughing]

Griffin: Um, you-- the three of you follow Lieutenant Hurley into, uh a sort of seedier part of Goldcliff. It’s well outside of sort of the- uh the business district that’s all sort of shiny and golden and well-tended streets. Uh—

Justin: Hey Griff, if you were to put this in like a- uh just for like the- So I’m imagining right, if you were to put this in a modern time period in our realm, like what sort of- where are we - can you give me like a comparison, close comparison?

Griffin: Sort of off the- you just left sort of Chicago’s Magnificent Mile area with its- its tall buildings and scenic vistas, uh, and now you’re…. uh…. I don’t know, I didn’t spend enough time in Chicago to get a good—

Travis: Well let’s use something that everybody can relate to, we’re in the West End of Huntington—

Clint: Myrtle Beach!

Griffin: You’re in the west end of Huntington. Right yeah, it’s less sparsely populated, buildings are y’know a lil bit crummier—

Justin: Got it.

Griffin: Uh, there’s a barrel with a fire in it.

[Clint laughing]

Justin: Okay.

Travis: Well I- th-that someone’s selling?

Griffin: And the uh- no, nobody’s selling you a fire barrel. What are you talking about?

Travis: I mean I would buy that, it sounds very useful.

Griffin: And sounds like you’d try to steal it!

Travis: Well, I - I didn’t want—

Griffin: [overlapping] Cuz- cuz now you’re—

Travis: I didn’t want to steal the magnet!

Griffin: - you’re a thief.

Travis: I didn’t want to steal the magnet, I got priced out of being able to purchase it- I—

Clint: [loudly] All is forgiven!

Griffin: All is forgiven, listen let’s not, let’s- I’m just disappointed in you but let’s not, um, just hang too long on that- that sad moment. Where all innocence was lost.

Um, she - she takes you to a small, uh, garage, in the uh, off the- off a Main Street in this sort of, uh, spooky side of town and, uh, you- she- she walks up to the door and lifts it open. It’s a big uh- sort of sliding garage door. Uh. And the three of you walk into her garage and the door shuts behind you and it’s pitch black and then you hear the sound of a switch being flipped and uh - as the room lights up you realize, this is actually a really really nice garage. It’s really well kept, lot of um, modern fixtures, much nicer than the exterior of the building would have you- sort of- believe.

It is a little bit messy, there are uh, some parts scattered all over the room, uh, there are three, uh, cars that have been completely just, shucked for parts, uh, and in the middle of the room is - uh, and by cars I mean wagons, all those times I said cars I meant wagons.

Clint: Wagons.

Griffin: Wagons. And uh, in the middle of the room, uh, is, uh, a large wagon shaped object that is covered by a huge brown tarp that has been thrown over it—

Justin: I’m gonna roll a perception check. See if I notice anything about the object in the tarp or in the room. Natural 20 plus one, 21.

Griffin: Ok! Um,

Justin: Can’t believe, I always waste my twenties on perception checks, like I give a shit.

Griffin: Um, no. I mean you can- you can give a shit. Um - the vehicles that have been stripped all around the room have- some sort of like, weaponry attached to them, one of them has, like, a harpoon attached to the side. One of them has- uh, some sort of mounted cannon on the top of it, with, like, a chair. But most of the parts that have been stripped from them are sort of, interior, sort of looks like maybe the engine of one of them got torn out, um, yeah. You have sort of a hard time sort of discerning the shape of the wagon in the middle of the room, though, that’s covered up.

Travis: So, this is- I mean, obviously associated with the racing we saw when we were flying into town.

Griffin: Yeah, Hurley says,



Griffin: She uh, goes over to a cabinet with a couple of boxes on it and pries one open, and uh dumps it out and uh, a bunch of raven masks come out and it’s the same masks that you saw th-the Raven wearing in the vault.

Travis: I put one on.



Griffin: She says,



{29:22}

Travis: I take it off.



[Clint laughing]

Griffin: She says,



Griffin: She reaches over to another box and dumps it over and a bunch of masks shaped like rams’ heads pour out, complete with spiral horns on the top of the head and—

Travis: I start to reach for one.



Griffin: She, like, with a deft movement, like a thunderclap, slaps your hand out of the way. She says, uh,



Griffin: She says,



Griffin: She says:



Griffin: She says,



[Clint laughing]



[Travis laughing]



Griffin: She says:



Griffin: She says:



Griffin: She said:



Griffin: She says. She reaches over and grabs the tarp and rips it to the side, exposing a battle wagon, that uh- has a dark gray, tanned leather exterior with these sleek patches of thick silvery armor all across it.

Clint: Cup holders?

Griffin: It’s uh- Yeah, there’s- definitely- definitely some interior tweaks. Some cupholders inside—

Clint: Cool.

Griffin:—couple of bucket seats in there. Um—

Travis: Does it come with satellite radio or is that additional?

Griffin: That is nonexistent, um, the bow of this battle wagon is long and flat with what appears to be a black metal engine block poking out of the- poking through it. Uh, and on the front of the car, two shiny chrome spirals, are positioned on either end of the hood—

Travis: [interrupting] Aw, like ram horns!

Griffin: —emulating the appearance of two ram horns.

Clint: It’s ram tough.

Griffin: On the back of the wagon, there’s this array of six huge exhaust pipes hanging off the back of the car. It is, this battle wagon is the single most imposing physical object you’ve ever seen in your entire life.

Travis: Griffy, is it, is it more like Mad Max? Or is it more like, sleek? Like, has it—

Griffin: Imagine—

Travis: Is it battle damaged? Or is it like- this is—

Griffin: Oh it’s not battle damaged, it it almost looks Frankenstein-ian. It almost looks like six of the cars from Mad Max have been smashed into like, the Death Proof muscle car. Um, it looks, it looks at the same time like sleek and also like really really dangerous.



[Griffin and Clint laughing]



Griffin: She says—



Griffin: She says um- she says:



[Clint, Travis, and Justin laughing]



Justin: Are we out of the zone of truth?

Griffin: Yeah, yeah. You’re far away from it.



[Clint, Travis and Griffin laughing]

{Break from 38:05-44:07}

Travis: Griffin, do we -- I guess I’ll roll for perception. I want to see, she seems very confident in her abilities.

Griffin: Yeah.

Travis: I want to see if that’s, like -- is that insight or perception to see if that’s, like, justified, or if we’re dealing with kind of a Little Rascals-esque situation here.

Griffin: A Little Rascals-esque situation where, like, Buckwheat makes Alfalfa, like, go steal something for him? And then--

Travis: No, where like, they think, like, “we’ve got this! We’re gonna win the big race!” But really she’s not very good.

Griffin: I mean she seems really confident in herself.

Travis: Okay.

Griffin: You don’t need an insight check for that. And this wagon looks pretty badass. She tells you, uh,



Clint: [sucks in breath through teeth] Aw, geez…



Travis: Cool.



[Clint laughing]



Justin: Honey I Shrunk the Kids, Dad, was a film starring Rick Moranis where he, shrunk, later you might be famili-

Travis: It was also, to be fair, it was also a TV show, yeah-

Justin: Starring Peter Scolari, yeah, uh--



Clint: Oh boy.



[Justin laughing]



Clint: Are we roleplaying within roleplaying?

[Justin laughing]



Griffin: Okay, exterior, night. What are, what are the three, y’know what just, I don’t wanna hear what the approaches are, we’ll just, you tell me who wants to go first.

Travis: I would like to go first.

[Justin laughing]

Griffin: Okay, so exte- exterior-

Justin: [interrupting] I want Merle to go first, I’m more excited about Merle’s.

Griffin: Okay, exterior, night. Uh, you uh- the three of you, are uh, congregated around the corner from the entrance to the hideout of the Hammerheads, a savage racing crew whose headquarters you are attempting to infiltrate. Um- and uh, keep in mind that you are- have been forbidden by Hurley to kill anybody.

Clint: Well, she can forbid all she wants.

Griffin: The uh, the Hammerhead headquarters is uh, surrounded by a twelve foot scrap metal reinforced wall with uh, twin spirals of barbed wire at the top of it. There’s a large imposing gate in the middle of the wall on the street that you are peeking out on to and there are two ruffians holding- two human ruffians holding large clubs, chatting with each other idly by this gate. And then, adjacent to the gate, poking right out of the tall metal wall is a booth with a glass window looking out onto the street and inside you see a third ruffian.

Travis: Okay.



Clint: I walk up to the two ruffians.



Griffin: The second one says.

[Travis laughing]



Travis: The first guy who talked is the lowest voiced character Griffin’s gonna do out of all these ruffians.

Griffin: Yes.

[laughing]



[Travis laughing]

Travis: My mommy told me I’ll never die!



Griffin: Third guy in the booth uh says,



Travis: Griffin, it’s traditional I-



Travis: Griffin I don’t wanna tell you how to do your job but most of the time DMs will let people roll instead of just trying to bullshit their way through scenes.

[Laughing]

Griffin: No I don’t, no I don’t wanna do anything to get in the way of this.

[Laughing]

Travis: Wait are you an insurance salesman, or a religious figure?

[More laughing]

Griffin: Listen- listen-

Clint: Yes I am.



Travis: I elbow Taako.



Clint: And just then I use thaumaturgy-

Griffin: Uh- to make a train?

Clint: To make a loud sound of a train at the other end of the street.



[Travis laughing]



Griffin: And the uh, the littlest one, standing outside by the gate scampers off. And his- his bigger, uh, uh, counterpart that was standing there, yells uh-



[Travis laughing]



Travis: It’s italicized.



Griffin: He uh, grabs his club, he grabs his club with two hands and starts to walk towards you.



[laughing]

Clint: I run! I run so far away!

Griffin: Okay, alright, he chases- he



[Travis and Griffin laughing]

Griffin: He chases you down the street a little bit and then stops and returns to his post.

Travis: Okay, Magnus waits an appropriate amount of time until everything calms down. I walk up to the gate.



[Clint laughing]



Justin: Hey, just to clarify, just so I’m clear on this, we’re watching right, the other two are watching right, like we can see, we’re-

Griffin: Yeah.

Justin: Okay, good, I just wanna make sure.

Griffin: Um, he says



Griffin: The guy in the booth yells,



Griffin: This is Jerreeeeee, Jerreeeeee talking. Says uh,



Griffin: He uh, he goes in, he uh, the guy in the booth flips a switch and a small opening in the gate opens up and the guy goes in. And then the guy in the booth flips the switch again and the door shuts and now it’s just you and the guy in the booth.

Travis: I look at the guy in the booth and I say,



Travis: I run back to Taako and Merle.



Justin: Okay, I uh, out of sight of the guards, cast Disguise Self, on me, to look exactly like Jerry.

Clint: Ohhh, brilliant.

Justin: You gotta say that into the mic, Dad - I want it recorded for posterity.

[Travis laughing]

Clint: [into the mic] Ohhh, brilliant.

Justin: There we go.

Griffin: What is- what is this spell? What is-

Justin: What?

Griffin: What is this spell, I’ve never heard of it.

Justin: Uh, Disguise Self lets me alter my appearance, to look like whatever, uh for an hour, uh I can only, uh there are some limitations on it, uh what is Jerry by the way, what is his-

Clint: Human.

Griffin: He’s a hu- hue-man.

Clint: Now we’re talking Jerry not Jerreeeeee.

Griffin: Little Jerry. Little Jerry, afraid of trains.

Justin: Yeah, Little Jerry afraid-of-trains, including my clothing, armor, weapons and other belongings on my person look different until the spell ends until I dismiss it. Uh, I can seem one foot shorter or taller, or can appear thin, fat or inbetween. Um—

Griffin: Mmkay.

Justin: Uh, so I- I saw Jerry that’s why I wanted to clarify that we were watching this.

Griffin: Ahhh, okay.

Justin: I change myself to look exactly like Jerry.

Griffin: Mmkay.

Clint: And to help sell it, I come walking back with my hand on Jerry patting him on the shoulder,



[laughing]

Griffin: What?



[laughing]



Justin: Okay that doesn’t make sense, they were doing a lot of work in there they would need some sort of place to poop.



[Travis laughing]

Travis: The bathroom’s for customers only.



Griffin: He, uh, he opens up the door to the booth and walks outside. He’s like,



Clint: And you could poop.



Griffin: He says.

[Everyone laughing]

Justin: Come watch me poop.

Travis: Merle, clobber him.

Justin: I gotta roll to see if I have to poop cuz I need to make this look real. Constipation check.

Griffin: Uh, this would actually be a bluff check, thank you for reminding me, Justin. Okay.

Justin: Aw, shit.

Griffin: Yeah, exactly.

Justin: Which part? The part that I’m Jerry or the part that I have to use the bathroom very bad?

Griffin: Just this whole situation, I think you’re bluffing, like, six different ways. He’s gonna roll an insight check to contest.

Justin: Uhh, yes..

Griffin: He rolled a 14.

Justin: Well, I’ve got a, what’s the adjusting stat on that? Bluff...

Travis: Yeah, there’s no bluff Griffin.

Griffin: Oh there’s not?

Travis: No not in, not in fifth edition.

Griffin: There’s not a lie, lying?

Travis: Uhh, performance?

Justin: There’s uh, deception!

Griffin: Deception,

Travis: Deception.

Griffin: Yeah that’s what it is.

Justin: I got a 16.

Griffin: Okay, yeah



Griffin: And he starts to uh, walk off with you down, down the street.

Clint: Towards the shittah.

Griffin: Towards the shittah.

[Clint laughing]

Travis: I walk back up, and just kinda stand with Merle and go,



Justin: And then you guys hear, you hear from your stone, that you have with you. Your farspeak stone.

Travis: Uh huh.



[Griffin and Justin laughing]



[Justin laughing]



Griffin: Through the stone of far speech, this is good, through the stone of far speech, Taako, er uh, Merle and Magnus you hear,



Travis: Oh shit.

[Theme song plays. Episode ends.]