Ep. 14: Murder on the Rockport Limited - Chapter Five/Transcript

Transcript by the lovely volunteers at TAZscripts.

Griffin: Previously, on the Adventure Zone…



Griffin: He says.

Travis: I roll my eyes.



[laughter]



Griffin: You hear a high-pitched shriek. [shrieking] Aieee! Lying on the floor you see a body wearing robes… it has been beheaded.

[Travis gasps.]

Griffin: Both of his hands are missing and it has a shimmering rainbow bowtie.

[Others freaking out in the background.]

Travis: We should have appreciated him while he was alive!

Griffin: Suddenly, a figure starts to take shape on the ceiling. The three of you follow Angus into the passenger car. You feel a uh, burst of hot air. The door behind you just blasts open, that fiery crab monster lurches through.

Justin: I cast levitate on the crab.

Travis: Nice.

Griffin: Uh, okay?

Travis: I’m gonna step up and Phantom Fist it out a window.

Griffin: He gets pushed out the window. He gets, uh, scraped up against the side of the tunnel and train. He’s not outside of the car for very long when you see another burst of flame and he sort of rocket-propels himself back into the train about two cars down.

Travis [interrupting]: Now hold on! Now—



[THEME MUSIC: "Déjà Vu" by Mort Garson]

{1:58}

Griffin: Uh, so you just, uh, knocked this crab out the window and grinded it down a little bit, and it uh, rocketed itself back into the car a couple cars down and you are running towards it?

Travis: Yes.



Griffin: Okay, so Taako taps out, uh—



Griffin: Uh, the three of you start your pursuit of—



Griffin: —of the two… [laughing] are you really chilling?



Griffin: Mmkay.



Griffin: Uh, so Taako’s just gonna kick it? I guess? Uh, so the rest of this fight is just gonna be the Merle and Magnus show—



Griffin: Uh…

Travis: Ew…



Griffin: Okay, uh, the three of you—one of who is gooshing, uh, begin your pursuit. As you open up the, uh, passenger car door, uh, into the space where you found the corpse, uh, you don’t find the corpse because this entire room has been basically incinerated. The, uh, the walls, the floor, the ceiling, everything is sort of smoky and black, uh, and the only thing on the floor is a pile of black ash, uh, where the body of Jenkins used to lay. The drink cart—

Travis [mournfully]: First Barry Bluejeans and now Jenkins?

Griffin: The drink cart in the corner is sort of melted down uh, a little bit—



[Laughter.]



Clint: The crab dies.



Griffin: Uh…

Clint: Is this from the fire shooting out of the crab ass?

Griffin: Uh, yeah, the initial burst of flame that you shut the door to uh, to avoid. Uh, as you push on through this, uh, darkened chamber you, uh, you begin to make your way through the, uh, sleeper car. You open up the door, uh, in this chamber to the sleeper car. Uh, the cars, the- the sleeping chambers are all lined up to your right, you’re in a very narrow hallway, uh, and as you make it about halfway through this car, the door on the other end, uh, also gets sort of shattered by this crab that, uh, is now floating through the air but still sort of flailing its four powerful claws around.

Travis: Is it kind of cute?

Griffin: Uh, it’s kind of adorable, yeah, sure.

Travis [screeching]: “Reeeeee, I’m a angry crab!” He seems to say.

Clint: Hey, just for effect, have it crawling along the sidewall, that would look cool.

Griffin: Uh, no it's, it’s just sort of floating, uh, impotently through the air, just sort of waving its claws around.

Clint: [crosstalk] [grumbling] Aw alright.

Griffin: Uh, and we are back up to the top of the order, which is Merle.

Clint: Ah!

Griffin: Uh, the three of you are about halfway between the doors, in this car, uh and, about, uh, fifteen feet in front of you is the crab monster who is floating through the air.

Clint: Alright. I-I take out my war—

Griffin: [interrupts] He is bloodied by the way. He is beyond past half health.

Clint: Alright. I take out my warhammer—

Griffin: You don't have it.

Travis: [crosstalk] You don't—

Clint: —Just to see a reaction.

Griffin: Well, there it is: you don't have it.

Clint: I'm just kidding, I'm kidding, no I'll cast Healing Word.

Griffin: Pretty good, pretty good punk, Nick Cannon.

Clint: [laugh] I'm casting Healing Word on uh—

Griffin: [interrupts] —The crab!

Clint: On Taako.

Griffin: Oh, I see.

Clint: On Taako. And that’s two d4 plus five.

Griffin: Are you doing Healing Word or Healing Touch?

Clint: Healing Word.

Griffin: Okay.

Clint: I have Cure Wounds, that's one d8 plus five.

Griffin: It's up to you homie.

Clint: Yeah, I'm gonna-I'm gonna go with what I said.

Griffin: Okay.

Clint: I'm gonna go with uh, Healing Word, it's two d4 plus five, and so the first one was a three ...

Griffin: Pretty good!

Clint: And the second one’s a three.

Griffin: Really good.

Clint: So that's six, plus five, that cures him for eleven, heals him for eleven.



Griffin: Yeah. Does he—

Travis: He springs to his feet, and starts like punching the air.

Clint: And then I reach out, and I drop my Extreme Teen Bible and I say:



Griffin: Okay. It falls through the floor-

Clint: [mournfully] Nooo!

Griffin: —and it's destroyed by the train's wheels. It's a very heavy Bible.

Travis: [laugh]

Griffin: Both in terms of weight and subject matter.

Clint: I can’t lose that, so.

Griffin: Next in order is the crab, who, uh, stabs two of its claws into the ceiling, uh, stabs one claw into uh, either wall, uh, piercing into one of the uh, sleeping chambers, uh, points its mouth at you, and you see its rows of teeth begin to spin and glow, uh, and then from his, uh, pulsating orange mouth a column of flame bursts down the car, at all three of you. Uh, so go ahead and make dexterity saving throws, to see if you get out of the way of this column.

Clint: So he casts fire out of his ass and his mouth?

Griffin: This is his mouth.

Travis: I rolled a nineteen.

Griffin: Okay.

Justin: Twenty.

Griffin: Wow.

Clint: Sixteen.

Griffin: Sixteen. Okay, all three of you, uh, simultaneously, uh, I- I guess leap to the right through the door of one of the, uh, sleeping chambers, uh, very narrowly avoiding this hallway sized column of flame, uh, that- that shoots down and, uh, uh, uh, incinerates basically the carpet below your feet, uh, and, uh, that is-

Clint: That was nice carpet too, remember? Remember how nice-

[Everyone choruses agreement about the nice shag carpet]

Griffin: Uh, so yeah.



Clint: And we miss.

Justin: And we miss. We miss the high five. [sound of hands clapping]



[laughter]

Griffin: Uh, okay. Uh, that is it for the crab's turn. He is still sort of wedged in between uh, the, he's still sort of positioned himself between uh, the wall and the ceiling to uh, prevent the recoil from sending him rocketing backward down the train. I really love that this fucking crab is floating now. It co- it completely changes this fight in my mind.

Clint: [laughs] I'm glad you've embraced it.

Griffin: Yeah. Uh, next in order is Taako. [pause] Uh, the three of you are now sort of, uh, squirreled away, in, uh, we'll say it's your, your sleeper chamber. Uh, next to your triple bunk beds, where you just dove in to avoid the spout of flame.

Travis: Is there any other furniture in the room? Is there anything else in the room, beside the bunk beds?

Griffin: Uh, there is a small sort of tea table? And, uh, two, uh, wooden chairs next to it.

Clint: Any cutlery from, uh, you know, a snack we might have had earlier?

Travis: There’s a spoon on the table.

Griffin: Uh, yeah, there’s a- there’s a teaspoon, and a, a, a teacup and a teapot. And a sugar bowl, with some sugar.

Clint: Are- are any of those things shaped like a knife or an axe, or a club?

Griffin: The spoon could be shaped like a club if you were very small person with a big imagination.

[Clint laughs]

Clint: [singing] There is no life I know...

Griffin: Taako-

Travis: Uhuh! Still fighting!

Griffin: Taako, take the wheel.

Clint: [singing] Taako take the wheel.

Justin: I’m casting Melf’s, uh, uh, Acid Arrow.

Clint: Milf?

Griffin: Mell’s? Hi I’m Mell, and this is my favorite Acid Arrow.

[laughter]

Travis: I hope you enjoyed my Acid Arrow kids!

Clint: And don’t tell me to kiss your grits!

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: Is that a reference to something?

Justin: What on the, on the earth?

Clint: Alice.

Justin: You’re appealing to a demographic that we do not- does not exist—

Griffin: —That does not— [louder] that doesn’t exist in the world!

Clint: That’s why I’m here!

Griffin: To talk to ghosts?

[laughter]

Justin: Melf’s ice-uh-Melf’s Acid Arrow.

Griffin: Mell—First, first of all move toward the mic, second of all is that this is a spell that was created by a man named Mell—

Justin: Mell-Melf.

Griffin: Or a woman named Mell.

Justin: Melf. It’s Mel B’s scary Acid Arrow. Mel B’s scary spice Acid Arrow. [Griffin laughs] Uh, a shimmering green arrow streaks toward a target and bursts with a spray of acid, make a ranged attack against the target. On a hit the target takes four d4 acid damage immediately and two d4 acid damage at the end of its next turn.

Griffin: Wow! Shit!

Clint: [crosstalk] Scary Spice was the most dangerous of all the Spice Girls.

Griffin: [crosstalk] I mean, that’s obviously not debatable.

Clint: Right.

Griffin: Sporty—Sporty I don’t know. Actually—

Travis: [crosstalk] I was always most terrified by Baby, but I think that’s just ‘cuz of like, weird issues, I don’t know.

Justin: Okay, I’m making a ranged attack.

Travis: Oh yeah, sorry.

Griffin: Okay. Ar-are you poking your head out the, you’re moving back to the hallway—

Justin: Yes, sort of just like sticking out my um-umbrella out the door, and blasting—

Griffin: I fucking love it.

Clint: [presumably have looked the spell up] Holy crap! He didn’t make that up! That’s a real spell!

Justin: Thank you.

Griffin: Uh, okay. So you’re just poking your arm out the window—

Justin: And my head. I mean I’m poking my head out.

Griffin: Okay. You’re leaning out of the car to blast—

Travis: He’s holding a mirror up out the- out the door.

Griffin: Uh, go ahead and make a ranged attack.

Justin: What do I do? What is that-how do I do that?

Griffin: Uh, you just roll a d20, and add your spell casting modifier to it.

Justin: [dice rolling] Eleven.

Griffin: Eleven total?

Justin: Yeah.

Griffin: That doesn’t do it.

Justin: Okay. So on a miss... [pause]

Clint: So their armour does not decrease when they take damage right?

Griffin: Nooo. Are-are you talking about the crab monster or what?

Clint: The crab monster. I guess its shell, I would think it was cracked, and wouldn’t take as much damage.

Justin: Okay so I’m gonna do two d4… Two—

Travis: On a miss?

Justin: Yeah.

Travis: That’s awesome.

Justin: Just splashes ‘em with acid.

Griffin: Does it says half damage? ‘Cuz if that’s the case you actually roll four d4 and divide in a half.

Justin: Okay. [dice rolling sounds] Two, three, one, two. Two, [whispering] two, three, one, two.. Eight.

Travis: [at the same time] Eight.

Griffin: Eight.

Justin: Four.

Griffin: So it takes four damage. Okay, you shoot it, it just sort of, uh, falls to the ground right below it, and some of the acid splashes up, onto the crab monster, uh, and it takes four acid damage. You hear it sizzle away, and it actually smells weirdly delicious.

Travis: Mhhh!

Clint: That’s what I was gonna say; see if you have a melted butter spell.

Griffin: Ye-yeah it will need to be clarified tho.

Clint: Okay. [emphasizes each syllable] A melted butter spell where it melts butter, how’s that for clarification?

Travis: [giggles] Nice.

Griffin: Wow that was good!

Clint: Thank you.

[Both laugh]

Griffin: What a rib tickler, it’s a thinker, and it tickled my ribs.

Clint: It works on a lot of different levels!

Griffin: Magnus!

Travis: We’ll send that into Dad Jokes Weekly. Uhm, I grab one of the chairs, [pause] from the room.

Clint: Good.

Griffin: [crosstalk] Okay.

Travis: And I run up to the crab, and two-handed clobber it.

Griffin: Alright, we’re gonna have to come up with some numbers. [laughs] For chair!

[Clint laughs]

Griffin: It’s gonna be blunt damage, obviously.

Travis: Yup!

Griffin: Uh…

Clint: It’s a metal chair? I remember you saying that earlier.

Griffin: No I specifically said it was a wooden chair. Wowzers!

Clint: [whispering] Crap!

Griffin: Uhhm, okay so this is a, uh, a heavy wooden chair— wha— lemme— hold on. [sound of dice rolling]

Clint: Hey can it be one of those La-Z-Boys that’s such a—

Travis: Yeah, I heft the La-Z-Boy over my head.

Griffin: We’ll say this has the, uh, same characteristics of a club, I think that’s fair? I’ll say one d6, but because you’re so skilled in carpentry I imagine [Clint begins to laugh] that you’ve had to attack somebody with a chair before? So you definitely have expertise on this, that’s not debatable. And you also, like, are just really good at hitting shit with chairs, made out of wood, so I’ma say one d8, you have, uh, expertise with it, uh, and I’m gonna give you a point of inspiration: A) for making a makeshift weapon, and B) for picking a makeshift weapon that is so completely within your wheelhouse.

Travis: Thank you. Um, well, if I have expertise with it, then I rolled a seventeen plus six, so that’s twenty-three…

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: And then I roll a d8…

Griffin: d8, yeah…

Travis: And I rolled a four, um, if I have expertise it’s plus six: so I hit it for ten.

Griffin: Okay. You hit it for ten damage, uh, loosing it from the wall and ceiling where it had perched itself, uh, so it’s now sort of just floating aimlessly, uh, backward down the uh—

Clint: Argh! It’s still alive?!

Griffin: —hallway; uh, yes but it is very, very, very bad off.

Clint: It is almost impossible to get rid of crabs, have you noticed that?

Griffin: Oh, man!

Travis: [crosstalk] I have.

Griffin: [laughs]

Travis: Bringin’ the heat!

Griffin: [Clint laughs] You are really on some next level shit right now daddy! Uh, you hear the door—

Travis: [interrupts] What— wait, what happens to the chair in my hand, is it remain whole or does it—

Griffin: Oh no, sorry, it explodes, it shatters in your hand. You just broke— you broke this shit off, in its ass [pronounced “ay-ah sss”].

Clint: Yeah!

Griffin: Uh, the door to the passenger car, behind you, uh slides open, and you see an imposing, almost square figure, uh, filling- filling the doorway. Uh, and this figure runs at full speed, uh, towards uh, Magnus’s position, towards the crab, uh, and as this figure moves forward you make it out as Jess the Beheader, who sprints towards the crab, uh, at lightning speed; does this sort of like Ong Bak jump off one wall, and then another, and then sort of cannon ball flies at this crab, and then in mid-air, you see the shape of her axe, uh, just appear in her hands. And she brings it down, on this floating fire crab. [dice rolling] And she—

Travis: And she misses! [laugh]

Griffin: —she literally crit, that’s not a fakey fake bullshit thing, I’ll Facetime you the dice, but she crit, she crit on this crab; there was a 5% chance she was gonna crit, and it happened.

Clint: [grumbles] A crab crit.

Justin: [simultaneously] A crab crit. I waited a whole show for this.

Griffin: Pan, Pan, Pan is good, thank you for the crit.

[Clint laughs]

Griffin: Uh, she, uh... [sound of dice rolling 4x]

Clint: … Rolls dice until she gets what she wants.

Griffin: She does 29 damage, uh, cutting the crab into two pieces, uh, and—

Travis: [interrupting] And Magnus raises his hand and says



Griffin: And as its two composite halves, uh, float through the air, uh, both pieces of its corpse turn to ash—

Clint: Noo! I was gonna eat it!

Griffin: —and fall to the ground.

Justin: [snorts] Them’s good eatin’. I say:



Travis: And Magnus says:



Griffin: She says, uh:



[Clint laughs]

Travis: “Sorry I was pooping, it took me awhile to get to where you were.”

Justin: [unintelligible] Okay let’s have dad—



Justin: Look, let’s just let Dad get it out of his system. I guess we’re the kings now. Is your—

Clint: King crab. Ah!

Justin: [simultaneously] King crab. Okay.



Justin: Okay. [unintelligible]

Travis: Well that’s just—

Griffin: You just said the name of a thing.

Travis: Yeah, that was not very good.

Clint: Now it was- it was a lowercase c.



[all laugh]



Griffin: She says.



Justin: “I’m done.”



[pause]

Clint: Ooooohh!



[Clint laughs]

Griffin: Sorry, did you just say “we’re crustacean time”?

Clint: Okay.

Justin: Yeah it’s like wastin’ time.

Clint: So does this mean—

Travis: You get it!

Clint: —we don’t get experience from this kill?

Griffin: No she stole your—she KS’d you bruh. She rolled up on that mob you were campin’, KS’d it right from under you.

Clint: [growls] Gah, just like Azeroth, ahh.

Griffin: Uh, I mean I was making some Everquest references but--

Justin: Did you ever play Everquest, Dad? Let’s talk about that.

Griffin: Let’s take a moment, let’s just take the next ten minutes, cuz I didn’t have anything else to talk about before we do the break; and let’s talk about Dad’s Everquest experience.

Justin: Did you ever play Everquest, Dad? I don’t remember.

Clint: I did play Everquest, yeah. And it’s alright.

Griffin: Uh no, you guys actually did get some experience points, I was just goofing. But no loot, um, there is no loot that came out of the, unless you like crab ash, in which case...

Travis: Would you say- would you say the experience, and- and like the- the victory, was its own reward?

Griffin: Uh yeah, I would say that you feel fulfilled on a deep spiritual level.

Travis: I got to use the chair!

Griffin: Yeah, you used a chair, you punched a thing out a window, it was pretty—

Clint: [interrupts] Yeah, and we all acknowledge, that was really great when you used the chair! Geez, god [grumbles]…

Travis: Thank you.

Clint: I think we wanna—I wanna find out a little bit more about, uh, Jess the Beheader.

Travis: I turn to Jess and say:



Griffin: She says, uh,



[laugh]



Griffin: —And she hands the handle—

Clint: [crosstalk] Oh my god!

Griffin: —Hands the handle towards you and she says,



Griffin: —She says, and puts the handle in your direction.



Travis: I take it.

Griffin: Uh, as you take it, it disappears from your hand and reappears in hers. She goes,



Travis: We both have a good laugh.



Griffin: —She says.



Clint: But good job reinforcing your- your image as a panhandler, so.

Travis: Thank you. [pause] Listen, you only get what you ask for in this life, Dad.

Griffin: Uh, she says,



[Griffin laughs]



Clint: Who’s running this heist?

Travis: Magnus is making a unilateral decision.

Griffin: I am just—I just want to say, when I was writing this- this mystery chapter, how certain I was that the three of you were not going to be capable of introducing yourselves to the characters I was creating. And you have fulfilled that prophecy, just with flying colors.

Griffin: Uh, she says,



[Justin and Travis laugh]



Griffin: She says.



[Justin laughs]



[laughter]



[Griffin laughs]



Griffin: She says, and walks back towards the passenger car.



Clint: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaahhh!!

Travis: [crosstalk] Yeah, that’s not good.

Griffin: [crosstalk] But that’s not—that doesn’t even work, ‘cause it—

Justin: [crosstalk] He just removed—he literally removed his glasses, for an audience of me.

Griffin: Oh for—that’s fine, but this isn’t like a fucking Redwall RPG! You’re not rats!

Travis: [laughs] If we were rats. Okay wait, is it too late to retcon that we’re all rats? Or ratcon?

Griffin: Yeah, this a Redwall RPG, and…

Travis: Ok, whew! Now do the joke, dad, do the joke now.

Clint: ...I’m not in the mood anymore now.

Travis: Ah… see Griffin, you ruined it.

Griffin: Yeah, nor I. Yeah, I’m the one who ruined that.

Justin: He’s not a dancing rat.

Travis: I don’t get that one.

Clint: Alright. It—we’re in NIMH.



Griffin: God I hope you’ve been taking notes.



Griffin: So it’s either one of those five people, or someone on the planet.



Travis: There it is.

Griffin: There’s a joke! There’s a joke that works!

Justin: That was a joke.

Clint: I’m done, I haven’t got anything else. I’m just gonna sit back here.

Griffin: You’re throwing- you’re throwing a lot of spaghetti at the wall, but like, our listeners can’t choose what spaghetti to eat. They’re eating all the spaghetti that is thrown. And some of it, some of it has floor dirt.

[Clint chuckles]

Travis: Griffin, you’re getting pretty saucy.

Clint: Hahahaha, it’s linguine.

Griffin: I’m in hell.

[Justin laughs]

{26:15-30:17 ad break}

Griffin: Let the investigation begin! I want- I want y’all to get NCIS on this shit.



Travis: Uh, I smack Graham in the face, and say



Griffin: Okay, you’re suddenly in the passenger car, uhm, you slap Graham in the face, uh, he is laid out on one of the benches, uh, uh, on the right side of the passenger car. Uh, in the passenger car is uh, uh, Angus, who is looking uh all around that chamber in between the cars where the murder took place, or I should say where the corpse was found, uh, you don’t know whether or not the murder actually took place there. Uh, and uh, Jess the Beheader, who is uh, just sorta chillin’. I don’t know what she’s doing. Listen, I’m controlling like six human minds at once in this thing.

Clint: You’re remarkable, Griffin.

Griffin: I’m pretty amazing, I basically have six normal brains. Or maybe one brain that’s six times the size of a normal person’s brain.

Clint: I need to ask a question.

Griffin: Yup.

Clint: Is this- is this the big parlor scene, where the detective figures it out and unveils the secret? Because—

Travis: Well, only time will tell, Dad.

Clint: Okay, then let me ask another question: are we agreed that we’re doing away with the whole ruse that we’re these other people—

Justin: We can’t make that decision out of character. If we’re gonna make that decision we have to talk about it.

Clint: Okay.



Justin: Oh fuck.



Griffin: [yelling] How many zones of truth did you fuckin’ prepare?! Were you like “good morning everybody, give me like 30 minutes to stock up on all my truth zones!”?!

Clint: It failed! And you said we rested and got everything back!

Griffin: Uh, okay so you’re busting out your- y- you’re- y- you’re just like a zone of truth cleric.

Clint: I don’t bring a lot to the table!

Griffin: With no healing, no fiery beams of purifying, sanctified light required, I just make people tell the truth.

Clint: Well, yeah. Simplifies things.

Travis: Before I wake up Graham—is he still passed out? Is he still out?

Griffin: Uh, no, he has a cool compress on his forehead, uh, and he’s- he’s lying there, he’s white as a sheet, and he is trembling, uh he looks- he looks, uh, a little green around the gills.

Travis: I still smack him.

Griffin: Mmkay, you smack him as hard as you can, and he says—

Travis: No, I didn’t say as hard as I can, I smack him… 20%.

Griffin: Okay, uh… just 20%? That’s still h—

Travis: 20%.

Griffin: That’s hard enough to kill some things.

Travis: Okay, 5%.

Griffin: Okay, 5%, you shatter all of his teeth and—

Travis: With my left hand. With my left hand.

Griffin: Oh, with your left hand. Okay. Well then, uh, uh, he, uh uh, takes the slap at 5% force, and sits up and goes,



Travis: I walk to the back and cross my arms and start fuming.



Griffin: He faints.

Travis: I step back up and I smack him. This time 6.5%



Justin: Well statistically speak—I- I mean, not to quibble, but if- if it was 6.5%, it would hurt a little over 20% more than the one before it, because the one that preceded it had been five…



[Travis laughs]



[Clint laughs]

Travis: I look at Graham and say,



Griffin: He says, and takes them, and unwraps them.



[Travis laughs]

Griffin: He says, uhm [makes eating noises].

Travis: Let him finish.



Justin: So wait: good cop, bad cop, diarrhea cop?

[Laughter]

{36:38}

Justin: Is that what we’re doing?



[Clint wheezing]



[Clint laughing]



Griffin: Uh, Jess looks back at you, uhh, she says:



Griffin: Graham says, uh, Graham says,



Griffin: He falls down again, he’s fainted.

Travis: I smack him 7.2%.

Griffin: Uh, okay, you hear something pop, [Travis laughs] uh, and he goes,



Travis: [laughing] I meant 6.8!



Travis: I meant six point—I smack him with the other hand and pop it back into place.



Clint: I cast Cure Wounds and fix his broken jaw!

Griffin: Okay, do you have to roll to do that?

Clint: God, yes, Jeminy God... [grumbles]



Clint: Alright, I roll a, it’s a d8, dadadadada…

Travis: Aw man, why didn’t we cast Cure Wounds on Jenkins?

[Griffin laughs]

Clint: ‘Cause his head was cut off!

Travis: Well you would have had to roll really well, don’t get me wrong.

Clint: Uh, d8 plus 5… ooh! Uh, I rolled an 8! And plus 5, 13.

Griffin: Oh, your best- your best healing yet, and it’s on the jaw that Travis just broke. Okay, you see uh, Graham’s jaw, uh, magically set back into place, and both of his cheekbones are starting to turn a deep purple. Uh—

Clint: Okay, and I grab the front of Magnus’s shirt, and I say,



Clint: Was that good? Was that good?

Griffin: That was really good. And Graham says, uh,



[41:02]

Justin: Can somebody… okay. Travis.

Travis: Yeah.

Clint: Recap.



Justin: ...Okay, let’s go to the conductor car. [pause] Walk walk walk walk.

[laughter]

Clint: Wait a minute! [foley for very heavy footsteps]

Griffin: Oh god! Do- do yo- do all of you have a lead foot?

Travis: We’re jumping. We’re jumping down the car.

Clint: [crosstalk] Here we are! At the conductor car!

Griffin: Okay. Uh, you hop like little bunnies to the uh, to the conductor car, or the- the uh, front of the passenger car in the space between that and the engine car. Uh, it’s not a conductor by the way, it’s an engineer. I don’t know why I keep saying conductor. Keep gettin’ my train jobs confused. The high security door, uh, into the engine car is sealed shut, uh, there—

Travis: I knock shave-and-a-haircut.

Griffin: Mmkay. I’m sur—

[foley for knocking]

Griffin: There it is. Uh, and you hear the voice of—God, what did I say his name was? Hudson!

Clint: Wow.

Justin: Hudson?

Griffin: Hudson. Yeah.

Clint: Hudson.

Griffin: Hudson Hon—

Travis: ‘Cause I was tryna make a Hudson Hawk joke and I couldn’t get to it.

Griffin: Yeah.

Clint: And I was trying to make an Ernie Hudson joke, and I couldn’t get to it.

Justin: And I was just trying to play D&D. [others laugh] With my family.

Griffin: Uh, you hear the engineer’s voice come from a, uh, small cone above the door, uh, sort of a megaphone system. You hear him go, uh,



[Clint laughs]



[Clint laughs]



[laughter]



[laughter]



Justin: I cast prestidigitation, and he smells something that smells like dookie. And I—and I say—



[laughter]



Griffin: He says, and you hear “click! Zzzt.”



Clint: So we have no access to the, the- the little pleasure closet without—

Travis: Without the rod.

Clint: —without Jenkins, there’s no way that can be used, right?

Griffin: Uh, you can go check it out.

Travis: Oh, wait. This is, this, wait—

Clint: That has to be the—we—

Travis: —classic, classic detective shit. If his rod is missing, right? Whoever killed him took it. So everybody in the room, turn out your pockets.

Griffin: Mmkay. Uh, are you—where are you?

Travis: We’re, still in the passenger car.

Clint: Well, we need to go back into the, the car where everybody is.

Griffin: Yeah. Everybody’s in the passenger car right now. Angus, uh, is in the space where the- the scene of the crime, uh just sort of going over everything. Uh, Graham is still, uh, lying down. Still supine. And Jess is just sort of looking out the window.



Griffin: Uh, Jess goes,



Griffin: And Graham goes,



Griffin: And uh, Angus does as well. So, Angus and Graham outturn their pockets. Uh, Graham has some Andes mints in his folds.



Griffin: Uh, he doesn’t seem to have diarrhea, so. That’s probably good. Uh, he has his own, uh, magic wand, and a spellbook, and that’s it. And Angus has his hand-crossbow, and uh, his Book of Interception, uh and a toolkit. A detective’s toolkit with a, like a, uh, mirror on a stick on it and a notebook and a magnifying glass and a dusting kit and a grappling hook and… all kinds of stuff.

Clint: So basically the whole “turn over all your weapons” only applied to us.

Griffin: What do you mean?

Clint: Kid’s got a crossbow! And, what’s-her-name can summon an axe!



Griffin: He says.



Griffin: Uh, Jess, Jess didn’t.

Travis: No, Jess did not want to.



Clint: [laughing]



Griffin: He says.



Griffin: He says.



Travis: I turn to Jess!



Travis: I turn to Jess.



[laughter]



Travis: I collect—



Travis: Okay I do! I’ve got my grandmother’s knife, um, I’ve got a bedroll… Or it’s my grandfather’s—



Clint: [laughing]



Justin: I do—



Justin: Stop! I’m doing a perception check on Jess.

Griffin: ‘Kay. What are you—what are you trying to perceive?

Justin: Uh, I’m just looking at her whole thing to see if there’s any like, anything that seems out of place, stains, uh damage… Uh, anything like that that seems out of order.

Clint: Hey, do you want me to cast Zone of Truth?

Griffin: [laughing] That would be—

Travis: Now hold on.

[bantering about Zone of Truth]

Griffin: Uh, that would be, that would be an investigation check. If you, if you- if you’re poring over like a specific thing.

Justin: Okay. Investigation check on Jess.

Griffin: Yeah. Perception is if you’re trying to find something, investigation is if you’re trying to learn something about something you know is already there.

Justin: Okay, uh, I got a 12, so. It’s not great.

Griffin: No—

Justin: I’m not a great—I’m not very sleuthy.

Griffin: Well with a 12 you see that she doesn’t have any blood on her. Uhh, she has a little bit of crab ash on her from when she, uh, halved the beast you were fighting before. Uhhh, but yeah, no blood, no signs of uh. You know. Struggle. Her clothes aren’t, uh, torn or anything. Her armor, I should say.



Griffin: She says.

[nervous laughter]



Griffin: She says.



Griffin: [laughing] She says.



Justin: I cast Detect Magic.

Griffin: Okay.

Justin: If there’s anything, any magical items in this room, I will see an aura around them.

Griffin: Okay! That’s fine.

Justin: [raspberry noise]

Travis: [laughing]

Clint: [dramatic music?] [quietly] The soundtrack...

Griffin: Uhhh, so you pick up on uh, a few things. You pick up on the Book of Interception. You pick up uh, uh, Graham’s uh, magic, uh, wand. You pick up the, the faintest hint of a trace of magic on Jess’s axe. Uh, you pick up your own magical items, of course, yours and Merle’s, uh… Er, yours and… Yeah, yours and Merle’s. You pick up Magnus’s jumping boots, the Railsplitter has some traces of magic on it. You guys have accrued a few magic items at this point. Jess, uh, other than her axe, doesn’t have anything.



Griffin: Okay.



Griffin: Okay. You wind up the Scuttlebug. What did you—what is it called…?

Clint: Scuttle Buddy. I named it Scuttle Buddy.

Griffin: Scuttle Buddy. So you—there’s a—mosquito in this room and it’s killing me. Um. Is that the, wait did you just send the Scuttle Buddy into my room in real life? You wind up the Scuttle Buddy, a, uh, small—it turns towards you and, uh, makes a—



Griffin: —noise. It’s recognizing you as its mother.

Travis: [snorting] It’s imprinting.

Griffin: It’s imprinting, it’s very, very adorable. Uh, it uh, turns away from you and out of its butt, you see a tiny, little, round nodule pop out, of its butt, uh, in front of you.



Griffin: And uh, it- it turns back and goes,



Griffin: —and starts sort of nudging this, this little nodule towards you, uh, proud of it.



Clint: Oh my god this is the cutest thing ever, why has nobody done a fanart on Scuttle Buddy?!

Travis: There was some Scuttle Buddy art!



Clint: Alright. I pick up the nodule. It’s a little sticky!

Griffin: Uh, Scuttle Buddy takes one of its, uh, one of its pincer...legs, and points at the side of its own head, and goes,



Clint: Well, I take the nodule and I...place it...in its head…?



Griffin: —it says, and uh, it pops it out of its own head. And then it points at you, and then to the side of its own head.



Clint: Alright. I put it in my ear.

Griffin: Okay. Uh, as you do that, you… you can hear the things in the room around you, almost like they’re being uh, uh amplified, like there’s a little bit of uh, uh, feedback. Like there’s a little bit of an echo. And the Scuttle Buddy, uh, very discretely climbs up to the ceiling and uh, wedges itself between the ceiling and a light fixture on the ceiling and, uh, sets up shop there.



Griffin: Uh, she didn’t.



Griffin: And then, uh, in your ear, Merle, you hear,



Clint: [to the tune of “My Little Pony”] My Scuttle Buddy, my Scuttle Buddy...

Travis: [giggling] Um, Scuttle Buddy will be available in all Toys Я Us stores by November 1…

Clint: [laughing]

Griffin: Collect them all! There’s 800 Scuttle Buddies. Each one costs $16.

Travis: See if you can tell the difference!

Griffin: You can’t, they’re very, very similar.

[ending theme plays]