Ep. 13: Murder on the Rockport Limited - Chapter Four/Transcript

Transcript by the lovely volunteers at TAZscripts.

Griffin: Previously on The Adventure Zone:



Griffin: Walking through the passenger car, you only see three other passengers.



[laughter]



[laughter and agreeing]

Justin: I was about to say!



[THEME MUSIC: "Déjà Vu" by Mort Garson]

[1:33]

Griffin: Ah… The three of you have just been served a scrumptious brunch service by a very reluctant Jenkins.

Justin: Mmm, I’m still enjoying my pea pods.

Travis: Was it a savoury brunch or like a sweet brunch, are we looking, like--

Griffin: [over Travis] I-I think Justin just has decided what it is based on his Earth-world foley work. What do you-- What is-- What do you mean-- Is that some edamame?

Justin: We’re having some pea pods and what’s that? Oh yeah, I filled my pockets with croutons.

[sounds of Justin eating something crunchy]

Clint: Oh man.

Travis: Mmm, Nice!

Griffin: Ok so--

Travis: Brunch croutons, waffle croutons.

Griffin: Just to check in on my real earth brother’s health and wellbeing… Daddy?

Clint: Yes.

Griffin: You- you’re in the same room as the J-- as the J-man… Is he just eating croutons out of a bag right now?

Clint: No, no.

Justin: [at the same time as Clint] No, there are some pea pods. It’s a salad.

Clint: No, he’s got them on a plate. He’s got a plate full of delicious croutons and looks like he’s got one of those-- those little, umm, mutant teeny tiny carrots and a couple of uh, pea pods, so that, the two pea pods and the two carrots will completely cancel out the six pounds of croutons that he ate.

Griffin: [laughs] Ok, good.

Travis: Excellent.

Clint: But diet Dr. Pepper!

Griffin: Hey, then that-- that helps. We’ll check back with the judges on cookie point allocation after the recording of this episode of the podcast that we do.

Clint: [murmuring] Alright.

Griffin: Uhhm. But in-- in the gameworld you’ve just enjoyed a delicious brunch that Jenkins reluctantly served you-- uhh, and uh, you-- you’ve been on the train now for about an hour and a half. Umm… Jenkins checks back in on you, uh, and asks, uh:



Griffin: See I can’t do it this good this week, my throat’s not as… ragged.



[choked laughter]



[Travis laughs]



Griffin: Uh, he removes from his, uh, uh, pocket? I guess? A, uh, from- from within his robe, we’ll say, he withdraws a small rod, um, a small cylindrical--

[Travis starts giggling with glee]

Griffin: God damn it!

[Clint laughs]

Travis: Tell me about this small rod he pulls out of his robes.

Griffin: It’s cylindrical and…

Justin: [laughs] I bet.

Griffin: Made of.. it’s just--

[laughter in the background]

Travis: Is he-- Does he seems proud of it? Or like is he embarrassed to pull it out?

Griffin: He-- he whips it out and, umm [Clint laughs] it’s basically just like a, uh, a very plain looking silvery… umm… rod. I don’t know-- I don’t know what to-- to call it.

Justin: When he turns--

Griffin: Listen--

Justin: When he turns back to me I will drop my robes.

Griffin: Okay.

[Travis laughs]

Justin: I’m wearing-- I’m wearing underwear.

Griffin: Okay.



Travis: Spell me like one of your French girls.

Justin: I put my robes back on, getting a little bit sheepish about the whole thing.

Griffin: Yeah, like you’re on a train. There’s other people around. Umm, he- he takes this rod and--



Griffin: --he points it at the door frame and sort of, ah, traces the outline of-- of the door frame of this very, very shallow closet that’s like built into the wall of dining car, uh, and then he... opens up the door and it opens up to a greenhouse full of lush plants and rich clusters of berries, and just sort of these explosions of-- of beautiful flora that-- that is--is the most gorgeous collection of plants that any of you have ever- have ever seen. I don’t know if this is any of your jams, maybe Merle with your proclivity towards, uh, the natural world…

Clint: Yeah!

Griffin: Are-- are you particularly moved by… I don’t wanna put-- put, uh, feelings in your heart or words in your mouth, uh, but a--

Travis: Mmm, Magnus yawns demurely behind his hand.

Griffin: Okay.



Griffin: Umm, so the three of you wander into this beautiful botanical garden. It’s very relaxing. There’s, uh, uh-- It’s a little disorienting at first, being on a like a high speed train and then being in a stationary sort of room. Um, but uh, yeah, you aren’t too bothered by that because it’s-- it smells great in here. Uh, the--

Justin: Uh, Griff, can you clarify something for me? Not to--

Griffin: No, please, go ahead.

Justin: Is the door to the pleasure room just sort of like an ephemeral, like, floating portal or is there like a little room--

Griffin: [crosstalk] No, it’s a door-- it’s a doorframe, and it’s- it’s not so much the room that’s transforming; it’s- it’s more that the door is, has opened up a gateway to this world. It’s not like the, don’t-- It’s not like the Holodeck, it’s like a portal.

Travis: [crosstalk] Oh. This is like a Stargate situation.

Griffin: Yeah, kind of. Uh--

Clint: Or Narnia.

Griffin: Yeah. There’s-- there’s a clearly defined, uh-- On- on your side of the door in the, um, botanical garden, you see the same doorframe from the train, uh, that is now behind you, and- and through it you can see the dining car, you can see Jenkins holding his rod and p-- don’t--

Clint: Yep.

Griffin: --pointing it at the door and saying, uh,



Justin: Can I make an arcana check to see what I can tell about the magic of this portal?

Griffin: Yeah, sure.

Justin: …Do I need dice for that, or?

Travis: [laughs] Or just ask.

Justin: Sorry. [die roll]

Griffin: [crosstalk] Historically, yeah.

Justin: [crosstalk] It was 21.

Griffin: 21. Uh, this, uh, magic that he is using is-- Let me check. I don’t know what it would actually be.

Travis: It says here, “super cool.” It’s super cool, according to the manual.

Griffin: This is not illusion magic; it’s not-- he has not created a fake version of this botanical garden. This is conjuration magic, uh, which is the school of magic that teleportation magic belongs to. So this is, this is honest-to-god teleportation but a very limited form of it.

Justin: Okay.

Griffin: Um, it’s, it’s, it’s incredibly, incredibly difficult for, uh, wizards to teleport proper, right? To actually go from one place to the other and just be there. This is a sort of limited, easier-to-use version of teleportation where, uh, uh, you cannot sort of permanently displace yourself from point to the other, and that’s- that is why there are those limitations.



[Justin laughs]

Travis: Okay.

Justin: I just said that apropos of nothing. [laughter] Jenkins must think I’m insane.

Griffin: Uh, and very, very rude. Uh--

Travis: I walk around. I check it out. I see what there is to see.



Travis: Is there anywhere in particular Jenkins would like me to use the bathroom? [Justin bursts out laughing] Is there a bathroom corner? Or is it just ladies’ choice?



Travis: I pee in the corner.

[Justin laughs]



[Justin laughs and claps]

Clint: Sort of marking your territory.

Travis: Yeah, but not-- This isn’t in a weird way! This is just like, I’m- I’m communing with nature, and I feel very present, in the moment--



[Justin and Clint laugh]



Justin: [crosstalk] I follow through if--



Justin: [crosstalk] Right. Okay, I follow through to the room-- Oh my god.



Justin: How’s this still happening? [someone snorts] I just wanna come into the room and continue the adventure please--

Griffin: Okay.

Justin: --Got work to do.

Griffin: Uh, uh, you enjoy the, uh, floral pleasure chamber for a, a little while, and then return back to the, uh, dining car. Um, uh, Jenkins, uh, retreats, uh, towards the front of the car to continue his, his stewardly business. Uh, and the only people in the car now are the three of you, and Angus McDonald, the fancy lad from before who uh, uh, closes his book, sets it down on the table, and says, uh,



[Justin laughs]



Travis: I- I lean over to Taako.



Justin: I cast detect magic.

Griffin: Uh, okay. You, uh, you cast detect magic. What does that do again?

[Justin makes a vibratey sound, like a lightsaber]

Travis: [laughs] It sounds like a lightsaber.

[Clint whistles a tune]

Justin: It sounds like a lightsaber. …It makes my book levitate out of the closet and open to the proper page to tell me what detect magic does.

Griffin: Okay.

Justin: You know.

Travis: We’re really good at D&D.

Griffin: [reading] “Detect Magic. For the duration, you sense the presence of magic within 30 feet of you. If you sense magic in this way, you can use your action to see a faint aura around any visible creature or object in the area that bears magic, and you learn its school of magic if any.”

Clint: Nice!

Justin: [crosstalk] Cool.

Clint: So has he got a aura?

{13:07}

Griffin: Uh, so you’re casting this—I guess, in the thirty feet around you that would uh, pick up uh, uh, basically everything in this dining car.

Clint [?]: [crosstalk] Yeah.

Griffin: Uh, his book, which is a uh, a sort of a, uh, plain blue book, without any sort of cover art, it’s not—it’s not The Secret, and if it were—I mean, it is secretive, you cannot tell what the—what the book is, but you do detect uh, traces of magic uh, on it, for divination. Uh, divination is the school of magic about learning secrets long forgotten, predicting the future, finding hidden things, and foiling deceptive spells. Uh, so you can pick that up--

Travis: Griffin, can I roll to see if I can snatch the book out of his hands, and hold it above his head, tauntingly?

Griffin: Absolutely, you can.

Travis: Ok. [crosstalk] What would I roll?

Griffin: This is uh, dungeons and—[crosstalk] a bullying check, or cyber-bullying. ‘Cause we’re doing this on the internet.

Clint: [crosstalk] So you’re casting na-na na-na boo boo, right?

Travis: Yeah, I roll… Yeah, I rolled a fourteen, and I have a plus eighteen to bullying. So that’s thirty-two.

[laughter]

Griffin: Uh, no, it would be, uh, I uh—probably a sleight of hand check, if you’re just gonna very quickly try and grab this out of his hands, and he—

Travis: I rolled a sixteen.

Griffin: Ok, and he will contest that with… gosh, I don’t know.

Justin: Dex—dexterity, probably?

Griffin: Yeah, probably dexterity, uh… [dice rolling] he’s got a plus four to dexterity… I rolled a sixteen. That’s a twenty!

Travis: [indrawn breath] Damn it.

Griffin: You uh, you try to snatch it out of his hands, and he quickly rips it back and he says,



Travis: [laughing] I try it again.

Griffin: Ok.

[Laughter]

Travis: [dice rolling] that time it was an… eighteen.

Griffin: Ok, that time I rolled a six, which is a ten. Ok, you snatch it out of his hands and hold it above his head. Uh… he says, uh,



Clint: Laugh condescendingly, Trav.

Travis: Okay, I uh, I roll to laugh condescendingly.

Griffin: Oh, you can just do that. It’s a free—

Travis: [crosstalk] Success! [condescending laughter]



Griffin: Uh,



Travis: I toss the book to Taako.



Justin: Ok, I look at it and I do an arcana check on the book.

Clint: You already did.

Justin: Uh, no, I did an arcana check on the room, I did an arcana check on the—

Clint: Well, he threw it in, where he said the book is from, uh, it’s used to detect truth and—

Justin: Arcana though is like what—what is it? I had my headphones off, ironically, looking for the book to tell me what detect magic—

Griffin: That is—that is fucking delicious.

[Laughter]

Griffin: Uh, arcana, uh, measures your ability to recall lore about spells, magic items, eldritch symbols, magical traditions, the planes of existence and the inhabitants of those planes. Uh, you uh, using your—your arcana, which you’re going to roll now before I actually tell you what happens—

Justin: [dice rolling] That’s uh, twenty-two.

Griffin: Twenty-two! Okay, uh, so yeah this is a—this, this book has some divination magic built into it, uh, and you actually recognize it as a interceptor book, uh and, and what it can do is uh, uh, intercept messages that are transmitted through magical means, and then display them in a plain text version, uh, of any language of the reader’s choosing, uh, on the page. Uh, on- on a page of the book. Um.

Justin: And does it like, stick around, like--?

Griffin: And, actually, funny you ask, as you pick it up, the book, and open it up to figure it out, the book sort of magically responds, and you can, uh, read the last message that was deciph—that was uh, uh, uh, intercepted by the book, and it reads, um,



Justin: Does the interceptor, as its name would imply, keep the message from getting where it’s going, or is it just sort of like—

Griffin: Yes.

Justin: Oh, okay, interesting.



Justin: I toss him the book.

Travis: Yeah, I’m on board with that.



Griffin: Uh, the- the three of you retreat with Angus to his sleeper car. It actually, uh, is a lot nicer than yours, which seems weird.

Travis: Cool.

Griffin: Uh, but he uh, uh, sits down on the bed and uh, opens up his book and uh, he says, uh-

Clint: God, he’s not a brony, is he?

Griffin [in Angus voice]: I’m a mad brony, yo.

Justin: We love bronies.

Griffin: Uh, he says uh,



Travis: I roll my eyes.



Griffin: I didn’t think those words through, I just sort of said them.



Griffin: He looks over your bracers.



Griffin: Uh, he says, uh,



Griffin: Uh, to explain, uh, when the Charm Person spell wears off, the person who was charmed knows that you cast a Charm Person spell on them.

Clint: Aw, well.



[Travis laughs]



[Clint laughs]



[snickering]



[Justin laughs]



Griffin: Uh, as he’s talking and explaining this to you, uh, you see a shadow through the frosted glass of the, uh, of the- the sleeper car, uh, breeze past the windows, and Angus gets very quiet. Uh, and he says,



[Justin giggles]



Griffin: Uh, from outside, down towards--

Clint: Dun dun dunnn!

Griffin: --towards the front of the train, you hear a high-pitched shriek. “Aieeeeee!” [chuckling] …How was that?

[overlapping agreement that it was good]

Justin: It was like West Side Story in here.

[Clint laughs]

Griffin: Uh, and Angus goes, uh,



Griffin: Uh, the three of you move from the sleeper car towards the front of the train, uh, towards the passenger car. Before you even, uh, reach the door to the chamber, uh, between cars, uh, you see a large pool of blood, uh, on the outside of the closed door. Uh, and there is actually a little bit of blood, uh, on-on the door itself also. Uh, but the door is closed.

Clint: Ooh, that sounds ookie.



[laughter]



{26:10}

Griffin: Uh, and opens up the, uh, door to the space between the, uh, sleeper and passenger cars, uh, and walks inside. And from where you’re standing, you can see a- a scene of pretty tremendous gore. Are you walking into the space between the cars or are you--?

[overlapping agreement]

Griffin: I was gonna say, that’s not very “Magnus rushes in” of you.

Clint: Yeah.

Travis: Oh yeah, Magnus rushes in!

Clint: It’s not very “us” of us.

Travis: [crosstalk] It’s been awhile since I’ve gotten to rush anywhere.



Griffin: Uh, you are now in the space between the cars, uh, which is a uh, a pretty tight fit. Imagine about the size of, like, an elevator car, uh, with, uh, entrances on, uh, both sides, one leading towards the front of the train, towards the passenger one, uh, the one you just stepped through, uh--

Clint: So it’s enclosed, correct?

Griffin: It, it is enclosed. Um, there are no windows. It’s- it’s just sort of a, you know, like a space between trains. I don’t know how familiar with trains the three of you are. Lying on the floor, uh, you see a body. Uh, this body is wearing robes. [Travis gasps] It has been beheaded completely.

Justin: [gasps] [softly] No!

Travis: [softly] Oh no.

Griffin: Uh, it’s-- Both of its hands--

Clint: Reach inside its robe and see if you can find its rod.

Griffin: Both of its hands are missing, and--

Justin: [crosstalk] Does it-- Does it have a tie? Does it have a bowtie? Tell me it doesn’t have a bowtie!

Travis: Griffin!

Griffin: It has a shimmering, rainbow bowtie.

Clint, Justin, & Travis: Noooooooo!

Clint: Jenkins!

Travis: We should have appreciated him while he was alive!

Justin: [sobbing] Jenkins!

Griffin: Uh, Jenkins has been beheaded, behanded--



[laughter of crying]

Griffin: Ang- Ang- uh, in the corner you see Angus leaning over the, uh uh, body of Graham, the hedge wizard.

Clint: [crosstalk] Graham too??

Justin: And he’s just jerking it.

[laughter]

Griffin: He is- he is not beheaded and behanded. He’s not-- he doesn’t seem to have any wounds. He’s just lying on the floor, and uh, Angus says, uh--

Travis: Who is Graham?

Griffin: Graham is the Juicy Wizard.

Travis: Ah. Thank you.

Griffin: Uh, Graham is the Juicy Wizard, of course, that you all remember and love. Uh, uh, and--

Justin: [laughing] The great adventures of the character the Juicy Wizard Graham.

Griffin: Yeah.

[Clint laughs]

Griffin: Angus is leaning over his body, and says, uh,



Griffin: Uh, also in the car, you see, uh, the drink cart that, uh, uh--what was it--Jenkins, the dearly departed, uh was uh--

Travis: You forgot his name already, Griffin?

Griffin: Well, he’s dead; we don’t need to worry about him anymore.

Clint: [crosstalk] You bastard.

Travis: He’s been dead for seconds!

Griffin: Uh, and there is a considerable amount of, uh, blood on the floor here too. Uh, and, uh--god, got a lot of names going--Angus says, uh,



Clint: That’s my job. Let me look at the body.

Travis: Wait--

Justin: Okay.

Clint: Hmm.

Griffin: You can all-- You can all make investigation checks if you like.

{29:15}

Clint: Well, I am the medical expert.

Travis: Yes--

Griffin: Okay.

Justin: [crosstalk] That’s true.

Travis: I wanna-- I wanna see if- if the rod is missing.

Justin: That’s a fair question.

Griffin: Uh, okay, you’re gonna do that?

Travis: I rolled a 19.

Clint: [crosstalk] What’re we rolling?

Justin: And also look for--investigation checks--and also look to see what, uh, if his wand’s there too.

Travis: Nice.

Griffin: Uh, hi-- you- you rolled a what now?

Travis: 19.

Griffin: M’kay. Uh, uh, Magnus you very quickly investigate his belongings. There’s no rod in his possession. There’s no uh, wand, no magical instrument. Really, nothing- nothing on this guy.

Justin: [in Taako voice] A 6 for Taako. Did I find anything, Griffin?

Griffin: You’re just sort of investigating.

Justin: Investigating. You know, I’m lookin- I’m lookin-- I’m investigating the scene with my 6.

Griffin: Okay. With a 6, uh, investigation, uhhh, you don’t see a lot. The only sort of peculiar thing you notice is that the cut through the, uh, neck, the- the sort of carving job that happened there, is very clean. There’s a very, very clean, uhh, uh, cut through, uh, through the neck.

Clint: Let me investigate the body a little more. I rolled a 20.

Griffin: A 20! Okay, with a 20, uh, you notice two things. First of all is that the cut through the hands, the cuts through the wrists I should say, to remove the hands is not clean. It is not nearly as smooth, uh, as professionally executed, I guess you could say, as the neck itself. Uh, and the other thing that you notice is that Jenkins’ clothes are r- other than the blood that has gotten on them, they are relatively unscathed, untorn, uh, there doesn’t appear to be any sign of a struggle, just based on what he’s wearing. Um, uh, so the- the three of you have investigated the corpse, and--

Clint: Is he bleeding from the neck and the- and the wrist?

Griffin: Oh, yeah yeah yeah. He’s a- he’s a sprinkler right now.

Clint: Okay.

Griffin: He’s one of those wacky sprinklers.



Griffin: Angus looks at you, and he goes,



Griffin: And he stops and, uh, looks up, and he says,



Travis: I turn around.



[laughter]

{31:36}

Griffin: He, uh, uh, with a flick of his wrist, uh, Angus produces a hand crossbow from his sleeve and shoots it at the ceiling, and as he does, you hear, uh, a growling sound, like “Rrrahhh!” like that.

Travis: Cool.

Griffin: Uh, and suddenly a figure starts to take shape on the ceiling. Uhh, first you see four very, very sharp, uh, straight claws, almost like crab claws, uhh, attached to a large, uh, round torso, uh, that, on the bottom of it, has a circular mouth with three rows of glowing, orange teeth inside of it. And Angus points at the door behind you and says,



Griffin: Uh, and, uh, with that, Angus grabs Graham and, with a surprising amount of strength for a little boy, uh, pulls him out of the chamber. Uh, and just as he does, this crab-like creature above you--his mouth, the teeth on his mouth begin to spin. Uh, uh, his mouth begins to glow.



[laughter]

Griffin: Okay.



[Clint laughs]

Griffin: Uh, which direction-- Are- are you staying in the car, are you running towards Angus, or are you running away towards the back of the car?

Travis: Is the thing still on the ceiling?

Griffin: Yeah.

Travis: I gave up my weapons. Did I give up my shield as well?

Griffin: Yeah.

Travis: Aww.



Travis: Nope!

[laughter]

Clint: No!

Travis: Wrong all the way around!

Justin: Er, good enough.

[34:13-39:06 Jumbotron/ad break]

Griffin: Okay, so what have the three of you decided to do?

Travis: Lay out-- Lay out for me again: we’re in a train car, right?

Griffin: You are in the space between the passenger and sleeper cars.

Travis: We’re looking into the passenger car.

Griffin: You’re-- th-- Angus has just pulled Graham into the passenger car, and he told you to run the other way.

Justin: The weird crab is in front of the--

Griffin: Is on the ceiling, with its uh, glowing mouth, uh, pointed downward.

Travis: And-- He’s on the ceiling, in the space between.

Griffin: Yeah. Uh--

Travis: Oh okay.

Griffin: I have stopped time here, uh, for- for all of you, with my- my immeasurable, DM god magic, uh, so the three of you can make a decision.

{39:51}

Justin: (in Taako voice) I’m, uh, I mean, I already made mine, I like pushed Angus outta the way, like, gimme, I’m gone.

Travis: I’m going- I’m going toward the passenger car I guess.

Griffin: Ok, uh, you are in--

Travis: ‘Cause it’s better to stick together I guess.

Griffin: Sure.

Justin: Whatever, whatever helps you sleep at night.

Clint: Alright, I'll go along.

Griffin: Uh, the three of you follow Angus into the passenger car, uh, and he yells,



[laughter]

Justin: I shut the door.

Griffin: Okay. Uh, you slam the door behind you, uh, and as you do, uh, you hear a deafening roar come from that room, and uh, the, the door seems to buckle and rattle. Uh, you feel a, uh, burst of--

Justin: Can I try to do the foley?

Griffin: Yeah, yeah, sure.

[Justin makes a soft “Arr” sound]

[Clint imitates clattering of door with his mouth and stomping his feet]

Travis: I brace against it.

[Sound effects continue]

Griffin: That’s g--

Justin: Da-Dad did it.

[Sound effects stop]

Justin: I wanted to do it, but Dad did it.

Clint: I’m sorry, I’m so-- I’m helping.

Travis: Dad’s the worst!

Justin: You weren’t helping, I was gonna do a hilarious joke.

Griffin: Ok, we’ll take it from the top.

Clint: [crosstalk] Oh man.

Justin: Ok, Griffin can I do the foley on the roar, the deafening roar?

Griffin: Yeah.

Justin: [softly] Raar.

Griffin: That’s a pretty good joke, that was worth do-- that was worth two, two takes.

Justin: [laughing] That was worth-that was worth going back, don’t you think Dad?

Clint: [laughing] It was good, yeah. That was good!

Justin: Let’s take one more pass at that, that one felt a little limp to me.

Griffin: Uh, a--

[Soft roar/”raar” noise repeated, stomping feet to imitate clattering door. Justin giggles.]

Clint: That was the door.

Griffin: Angus yells--

Justin: That felt good, that felt good to me.

Griffin: Ang-Angus yells--

Travis: Can we do a silly one, with maybe some like, we crunch up some cellophane to make it sound like he’s walkin’ through the leaves?

[Justin gives a short giggle]



[Travis laughs]

[Background imitation horse trotting sound]



[Laughter]

Travis: (joking, upbeat) Oh no!

[More laughter]

Grifffin: Uh--

Clint: Now he’s underwater! [Goofy bubbling sound, as if blowing bubbles into a cup]

[Justin laughs]

Travis: Oh, he’s throwing punches [Four slapping sounds, as if hitting a fist into an open palm] [Justin giggles in the background]

Clint: And now [tapping sound] --I don’t know what that was.

[Justin’s giggling trails off]

Justin: (distant) That was--

Griffin: The train de-rails, and everyone on board dies.

[Player laughter]

Justin: (distant) Leave that in the podcast.

Griffin: Do some fuckin’ foley on that!

[Strong laughter from Clint]

Griffin: I wanna hear the foley of all of your death rattles.

[Continued laughter from players]

Griffin: Three ghosts appear and strangle all three of you to death. What’s that sound like?

[More laughter. A shaking sound, like a dice bag being shaken next to the mic]

Travis: That’s my death rattle.

Griffin: Yeah, that’s a pretty good goof.

Griffin: Th-the, you feel a, uh, sort of, uh, burst of hot air, come from, uh, behind this incredibly lifelike rattling fantasy door. Angus yells, uh,



Griffin: He says, uh, and the door behind you, uh, in the space where you found the corpse, just blasts open and that crab, uh, that, that fiery crab monster lurches through and Angus yells,



[Clint laughs]



[Travis laughs, Justin groans]

Justin: Ugh, OK.

Travis: I rolled a...10.

Clint: I rolled a 19.

Griffin: Daaamn, dawg.

Justin: Uhhh uhhh-el- eleven.

Justin: I wish I learned this one ...chill touch. That sounds nice.

Travis: That’s, it’s chill.

Clint: Heeey!

Travis: Heeey!

Justin: Chill, chill.

Justin: Hey, how ‘bout a chill touch!

Travis: (simultaneously) --chill touch!

[both make a “tchh!” sound, like a high five]

[Clint laughs]

Justin: Chill touch, just relax. (distant) Chill.

Travis: I think chill touch is what they do in Earth Girls Are Easy.

Griffin: Uh-

Justin (in Taako’s voice): Be cooool, take a seat on my Adirondack chair.

Griffin: Ok. Uh,

[Justin laughs]

Griffin: First in the ord- order is Merle; uh, first off let me explain the situation: The three of you are in the passenger car. Which, is, essentially just a row of, uh, two rows of benches, on the left and right sides of the train, uh, with some windows, uh, uh, next to each bench--imagine just sort of the layout of a...well, a train. And, ah, in the front row, uh, sitting, who’s just turned to, uh, survey the deafening noise and yelling, uh, you see, Jess, the Beheader. Uh, and uh, just behind you is Angus who is still dragging Graham, the fainted, uh, “Juicy” wizard, uh, aw- away from this crab, who is directly in front of you. And with that, uh, it is Merle’s turn.

Clint: So Angus is heading towards the front of the train…

Griffin: Angus is basically trying to get Graham away from...the monster.

Clint: ...Right, but I'm trying to get the direction fixed in my head. Towards the front of the train… the crab is toward the back of the train.

Griffin: Right, exactly.

Clint: Ok I’m, I’ve decided--

Griffin: [crosstalk] And you--- OK.

Clint:--to no longer try to be... Wesley. I’m--

Travis: Hmm?

Clint: --From Princess Bride. I’m gonna fulfill my role as a cleric! I cast Shield of Faith.

Griffin: Ok.

Clint: A shimmering field that lasts for ten minutes, and will give each one of the three of us plus two AC.

Griffin: Ok!

Clint: You’re wel-come!

Justin: Super cool.

Griffin: Ah, you gonna move, or do anything?

Clint: Nope! I'm just doin’ that. Castin’ Shield of-of Faith.

Griffin: Okay! Uh-

Clint: I hold up my book, my, my Extreme Teen Bible, a, a bright, clear, crystal blue sheen erupts from it--

Travis: Wait--is it clear, or is it crystal blue?

Clint: Yes.

Travis: [laughs] Okay.

Clint: It’s crystal clear, blue, bluish, with a slight bluish tint.

Travis: [crosstalk] Transparent.

Justin: Uh, Griff, are we able to tell like what it--does the crab seem organic, or robotic, or what is it?

Griffin: Oh, it’s organic. It’s, uh, it is, it’s not, uh, an automaton? Ah, it iiissss, uh--

Justin: You know how Travis feels about those.

Travis: Yeah.

Griffin: Yeah. [chuckles]

Travis: How big is it? Like compare it to an animal?

Griffin: Uh, it is… the size of… a… hm… That’s a great question Travis. Sort of a Galapagos Turtle.

Travis: Okay.

Clint: Oh, that would hurt.

Griffin: What would?

Clint: If it--if it pinched us.

Griffin: Yeah. It was not, it doesn’t have pincers, as much as it has these long, razor sharp claws. And uh, a mouth that, uh, is very big, and has lots of teeth like a Sarlacc.

Travis: Oh-kay!

Clint: Yeah, but there’s still good meat in there, I’m tellin ya.

Griffin: Oh, for sure, for sure, for sure.

Clint: (throaty, rumbly) Oooohhh.

Griffin: Um, ok, Merle are you done? You’re not movin’?

Clint: That’s it. I'm, I’m not movin’.

Griffin: Ok! The three of you are just standing shoulder to shoulder then, I guess, uh, uh, it is now the crab’s turn. Uh, he scuttles towards the three of you... uh, sort of rotates his body and rears back on one of his claws--

Travis: Mmhm.

Griffin: --and swings one claw each at all three of you.

[brief pause]

Justin: (distant) Sweet.

Travis: Oh, that’s a cool look.

Griffin: Just sort of just a, just sort of a raking attack. Uh, we’ll start with… uh, we’ll start with Merle.

Clint: Now which one do I roll?

Griffin: I’m rolling to attack your AC.

Clint: Alright.

[sound of a d20 rolling]

Griffin: Uh, that is a 17.

Clint: Yeah. 18 is my armor class.

Justin: It actually is 20 right now, right?

Clint: Oh that’s right, yes.

{47:01}

Griffin: Uh, ok, so his uh, claw just sort of… uh, grazes you and just sort of glances off your pauldrons [Clint laughs] of your chain- chain mail armor. Uh, the next claw comes down on Taako, [sound of die rolling] and that is...ooh, goddamn, uh, 24?



[Travis laughs]

Griffin: Uh, and I’ll go ahead and roll the attack on Merle too to see if it hits. [die rolling] Uhh, that is a… 18.

Travis: Wait, on me you mean?

Griffin: Yeah, I’m sorry, Magnus.

Travis: My AC right now is 19, thank you Merle.

Griffin: Uh, ok. Uh, so Taako, you are the only one that got hit by that, and you take…[die rolling] (quietly) Ooh, six… plus eight (louder) fourteen damage. As he rakes it across your chest.

Travis: Um, am I- am I correct in thinking that without my shield I can’t do…

Griffin: Yeah, you can’t -- I think that’s true.

Travis: I think that’s true too.

Griffin: I’m gonna say it’s true cause how -- what the fuck, what are you gonna do. Jump in front of it like, uh, in the line of fire?

Travis: I mean I will, I’ll take that damage.

Griffin: No. Uh, Taako took that damage -- fourteen damage -- to the Taako.

Justin: Wait, how many?

Griffin: Yeah, fourteen. Listen, you guys are level -- what, level 4 now? You can take a -- you can take a beatin’; fourteen’s nothing. [pause] I shit and take fourteen damage.

[Laughter]

Travis: Really? You should see a doctor, Griffin.

Griffin: (laughing) Next in the order is Taako.

Travis: No wait wait wait -- it just says Protection, when a creature you see attacks a target other than you when it’s in five feet -- oh, nope, you must be wielding a shield. Ok, nevermind!

Griffin: (laughing) I was about to say, what are you -- “Hey you! Cut it out!”

Travis: (laughing) Get your damn hands off him!

Griffin: You get your damn… lobster claws off him!

Travis: No Biff- okay.

Griffin: Uh, Taako, it is your turn.

Justin: Where is the -- the thing has made its way into the train car, right?

Griffin: Uh, it’s ri- it’s right in front of you, yeah. Um, all of you are about, uh -- you’re sort of clustered up together -- about, uh, 8 feet from the door that you came through?

Justin: Okay. Okay. I cast Levitate on the crab.

Travis: Nice.

Griffin: Uh, okay.

Justin: It has to pass a constitution saving throw.

Griffin: Constitution’s not this crab’s strong point, [laughter] which I’m sure you’ll be happy to hear -- glad to hear. Um, what is that -- and then what. You just fuck - you levitate him?

Justin: Yeah, he floats for 10 minutes.

Griffin: (laughing) Ok, I didn’t know you can do that --

Justin: And he can -- well, you have to have a, I mean, if it’s unwilling, you have to pass a constitution saving throw.

Griffin: Ok. [die rolling] 11? Yeah, it didn’t pass. Uh, ok, this crab is now levitating, how high and (laughing) what does that mean?

Justin: You -- it would float up to 20 feet...Um, right, at this point it can only, uh, move, uh...let me just -- (indistinct)

Griffin: If it uses another physical object to like, push itself?

Justin: Yeah, it can push off a surface within reach; uh, I can change the altitude by up to 20 feet in either direction on my turn. (pauses) Can I say something as a free action?

Griffin: Yeah.



Griffin: Magnus, uh, it is your turn.

Travis: Excellent, I’m gonna step up and Phantom Fist it out a window.

[Justin laughs]

Griffin: Ok --

Clint: [laughs fiendishly]

Travis: That is a...17.

Griffin: [exhales] And you have to beat AC?

Travis: Yeah.

Griffin: Uh yeah, he has 16 AC, so  --

Travis: Nice.

Griffin: -- that connects.

Travis: Uhhm. So that hits one d4…

Griffin: And don’t you get some sort of bonus, for your unarmed?

Travis: Oh, it does, it does. It’s um...one d4, so I hit it for 2, but I get to push it…

Griffin: Ok.

Travis: Um. And I’m gonna push it...through the window. So basically I’m punching it out a window.

Griffin: The window is about, uh...6 feet? Uh, which -- to the left or the right? You’re basically in the center of the train right now.

Travis: I mean, I’m punching it with my right fist, so --

Griffin: So it would be towards the left.

Travis: Yes.

Griffin: Uh ok, you punch -- and how far can you punch him with the Phantom Fist?

Travis: I don’t know.

Griffin: This pushes the target back two d4 feet.

Travis: Oh, ok. Great.

Griffin: Uhhm. We will say because he’s experiencing some like, anti-gravity shit right now, we’ll bump that up to three d4.

Travis: Ok.

Griffin: Uhhm. So you need to get 6 if you wanna try and --

Travis: Four.

Griffin: -- get him out of the train --

Travis: Six.

Griffin: Okay, yeah.

Travis: Uh, ten.

Griffin: Okay, you punch him, uh, towards the left side of the train, he hits the glass and it shatters but he gets a chance to, uh, try and grab onto the sides, uh, of the train to avoid getting knocked out. Let’s do a straight up and down check, uh, if it beats 10, then he manages to hold himself -- [die rolling] Uh, he got an 11. So you punch him, he uh, his- his basically mouth side goes flying into the glass and shatters it, uh, but he manages to stab his claws into either side of the window, uh, and hold himself there without going out. But you did do some damage to him.

Travis: I’m gonna action surge and punch him again.

[Justin laughs]

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: I’m dedicated to this, I want this to happen real bad.

Justin: This needs to happen.

Travis: Uh, that is a 19.

Griffin: Okay. Yeah, that does it. And you don-- I guess you don’t need to roll for distance. You roll damage, so go ahead and hit him.

Travis: Okay, two...that’s another two...so all together I’ve hit him for 8 damage.

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: And- and punched him out a window.

Griffin: Okay. Uhh. Same chance to resist --

Justin: Wait a minute, why does he get a chance to resist Phantom Fist?

Griffin: I- you- So if at any time you are being uh, knocked off a ledge to your death, or being knocked into like a, hole, or any situation where you are being killed with movement? Uh, you get a chance to -- a- a reflex save to save yourself. Uh, the only other time you wouldn’t do that is if you’re like, asleep or unconscious or something.

Uh, but that time he only rolled a 7. Uh, so you, uh -- he is latched onto this window, you run out to him one more time and do like a jumping punch attack, uh, and his claws, his claw-knees buckle and uh, he gets pushed out the window, uh, you are on the inside of the tunnel, so he gets, uh, scraped up against the side of the tunnel and train, uh, and you- you see him move down the- the length of the train as it passes through this tunnel and he’s just sort of getting mashed up. Uh, he’s not outside of the car for very long when you see another burst of flame, and he sort of rocket propels himself, uh, back into the train about two cars down.

Travis: Now hold on! Now...

[laughter]

Griffin: Uh, but! Because he just got straight up grinded, uh, down the length of the train, we’ll say he took, uh, two d12 damage from that. [die rolling] That’s a 10…[die rolling] And 11. Wowzers.

Travis: And I hit him for 8.

Griffin: 21. Yep.

Travis: So he’s taken 29 points of damage.

Griffin: Yeah, and he is bloody, and he is further down the train, and that was pretty fucking radical.

[Outro]